No, this has nothing to do with the Casey Anthony trial – I’m catching up. Hopefully by tomorrow morning I will be all caught up and ready for another week of falling behind.
So I’ve been getting a bunch of notifications from Facebook that “So and So Wants to be your Friend!!” Many of those notifications, I guess, have come from here – because (of course) the vast majority of the readers here are smart enough to include a comment letting me know who you are (and, for some reason I recognized a lot of the names…)
But, just to be fair and upfront with you, I feel I have to tell you, I have a few Facebook rules. I have been known in the past to summarily “unfriend” people without so much as a warning, and while I am absolutely certain that no one gives a flying fuck if I unfriend them (and I’m quite sure some of them haven’t even noticed…) I always feel a little guilty when I do unfriend them, because, you know, they surely didn’t realize why I unfriended them, so I’ll let you guys all in on the reasons…..
Reasons Why I Unfriended You On Facebook:
1. Sonogram Pictures: For the love of all that’s Holy – I do NOT want to see your Sonogram pictures. And I certainly don’t want to see it if you’ve felt the need to go into PhotoShop and attach labels pointing out the child’s penis, or the fact that it’s sucking it’s thumb, or that he has your father’s nose. There’s a great chance that if I’ve never asked to see your uterus before you were pregnant, I certainly don’t want to see it when there is a half formed human living in it. [You would be amazed how many sonogram pictures I regularly receive in my NewsFeed. WTF???? Do you even know how many times I’ve been tempted to post pictures of Paul’s MRI’s? And don’t think I am not going to ask the surgeon if I can take a few pictures of the back operation and post pictures of that. Photoshopped]
2. Guess Why I Posted That: These are the stupid fucking status updates that mean absolutely fucking nothing – and then everyone is supposed to comment asking “WHY???” or “OMG!!! What Happened!!!” You know, the status updates that consist of nothing more than “SOOOO MAD RIGHT NOW!!!” or “OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED!!!” with no further explanation. Yeah, I don’t have time to play fucking charades over the internet. Generally, I post one thing to these status updates: “Vaguebook is down the hall and to the left.” and then I “unfriend” them. With about as much explanation as their status update of “CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!!!” gets.
3. Every Status Update Includes a Picture of Food They just Made, Just Bought, Or Are Just About to Eat: I don’t even understand this one. But I unfriended someone who took a picture of every single meal they were eating. The last straw was a picture of a Big Mac with the status update of “Lunch”. You know, I don’t get out a lot, but I’m pretty sure I know what the fuck a Big Mac looks like. And mostly, this unfriending was a peremptory one. I mean, since I have absolutely no idea why someone would take pictures of their food before they eat it, I have no idea when they are going to start taking pictures of their food as it leaves their body, too.
4. “Its Complicated”: These are the people who change their relationship status at least once a day – generally to reflect their latest argument, lovemaking, or trolling for new relationships. I finally unfriended someone who went from “Single” to “Engaged” to “Married” to “Divorced” in one week.
5. “Top 40”: This is the person who does nothing but post song lyrics as status updates all day long. Unless you are Casey Kasem or Ryan Seacrest, yeah, I don’t want to fucking hear it.
6. Spammer: Yeah, this one is a no-brainer, but if every time you post a status update it’s to tell me that you are now offering 59% off all of your crap on Ebay or Etsy, yeah, I’m unfriending your ass quicker than shit. And if the only reason you have a Facebook account is to shill your Avon, Partylite or SMS crap, maybe you should get off of Facebook and go look for a job.
7. Illiterate: If you don’t know the difference between “Their” and “There” or “Two” and “To”, and if every other word you spell doesn’t have vowels in it, sorry, but you’re fucking gone. It absolutely appalls me how many grown ass people don’t know how to spell. I think I’ve been sheltered by only being in usenet groups where intelligence is the only requirement – and on this blog, where the people commenting are considerably above average in the brains department (well….except some of the local folk who wrote in to rail against my disparaging comments on the beloved Redneck Games….) But I won’t put up with that shit on Facebook.
And I know you all understand all of these rules – and I’m betting you have some pet peeves of your own when it comes to Facebook– let me know what they are, so when you unfriend me, I’ll know why.