The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Archive for the ‘2007 Predictions’ Category

God Talks To Pat Robertson – and AFCA

Posted by thedarwinexception on January 3, 2007

Well, Pat Robertson is at it again. He is talking to God. And I don’t understand why he gets to talk to God. I mean, God doesn’t talk to just “anyone”. Face it, God didn’t even appear to Mary to let her in on the little joyous news that he had impregnated her with his holy sperm – he sent an angel to do that. But when he wants to destroy the world, well, he goes straight to Pat Robertson to let him know.

We are going to experience a nuclear attack in 2007, according to God and Pat Robertson. Well, let me clarify that, as Robertson did, he said “God didn’t say ‘nuclear’.” But, you know, that could be because God pronounces it funny, like George Bush, and he didn’t want to look uneducated in front of Pat Robertson, of all people. So, God didn’t actually *say* nuclear, he just said “mass killings in major US cities”, Which Robertson interpreted as “nuclear”. And you know, Thank God we have Pat Robertson to interpret the word of God for us. But, Robertson has been interpreting God’s word for years, so he has lots of practice.

So, most likely this latest warning will come with appeals from Robertson for “mass prayers”, like he did to single handedly reverse the course of those hurricanes- although I don’t know who he wants us to pray to. Robertson believes that we have all turned away from God, what with our wanton homosexuality, and feminism, and liberalism. As he told the people of Pennsylvania “Don’t go crying to God when you all get some disaster – you’re all freaks and God hates you”. 

I just don’t know why God doesn’t tell this guy “Look, Pat, you’re a fucking lunatic”. Oh but then again, probably God doesn’t swear. And he probably still talks like he did in the Bible, so God would say “Look-eth, Pat, you are not-eth to interpret-eth my words anymore-eth. Stop telling the Episcopalians that they harbor the spirit of the Anti Christ – what the hell did the Episcopalians ever do to anybody? And don’t tell people that “you” steered the course of Hurricane Gloria, I don’t like it when people take credit for my work – and that was all ME, bud. And gays and lesbians had NOTHING to do with the attacks of September 11th – and tell your President it wasn’t Iraq or Saddam Hussein, either – don’t you people read USA Today?” But, then again, maybe God is just letting the guy spout his inane bullshit so that God can smote him – right on the airwaves. Wouldn’t *that* be cool? Because that’s what I would do if I was God – I’d smote him live on the 700 Club. Although God would probably have to smote him twice, since Pat Robertson drinks that super-duper energy shake and can leg press 2,000 pounds. Maybe that’s why God hasn’t smoted him yet – he has to work up to it.

But, Pat Robertson isn’t the only one God appears to – he appears to AFCA members, as well. So there, Pat Robertson. And here is what God has told AFCAN’s is going to happen in 2007: And I will update this list as more AFCAn’s weigh in – God can’t appear to everyone in one night – he’s not Santa Claus or anything.

The Cubs will not suck as badly as they did last year.–arty

Judy Dench will win an Oscar (I haven’t seen either of those movies).—arty

Mel Gibson will announce that his next film will be an uplifting tale for the whole family about the siege of Leningrad.–Dave T

Saints will win the superbowl.–Dilbert Firestorm

There will be a rise in right-wing terrorism a la Eric Rudolph, Tim McVeigh as the would be-theocrats see their chance slipping down the rat-hole of Bush’s Iraq war.–Lars

I won’t get laid.— Bill

There will be bad music on the charts.— Nostradamus
(no, not that one, the AFCA one)

Bush will tell lies. — Nostradamus

People will wonder why the Democrats haven’t been more successful.— Nostradamus

The stock market will go down.— Nostradamus

There will be a scandal in Washington.— Nostradamus

There will be an amazing medical breaktrhrough.— Nostradamus

A lot of people will die in Iraq.— Nostradamus

Things will get worse in Somalia.— Nostradamus

A celebrity will exhibit shockingly bad taste in public.— Nostradamus

Donald Trump will act like an a$$hole.— Nostradamus

Rose O’Donnell will leave The View.— Nostradamus

There will be a great victory in November.— Nostradamus

Security flaws will be found in Microsoft products –Cindbear


Dubya will make a gaffe on camera–Cindbear


A new study will show that a common food causes cancer–Cindbear


A new study will show that a common food prevents cancer–Cindbear


The RIAA will sue someone–Cindbear


A new fashion style will come from the streets–Cindbear


A film with little artisitic merit will win an Oscar–Cindbear

Sales of foreign cars increase–Cindbear

A large company will post misleading financial reports–Cindbear

 

People will be ripped off on Ebay–Cindbear

 

UPDATE:

 

Terrorist attack in the US. –raven

 

People will bitch and moan about Windows Vista and then use it anyway. –darkon

Bill will not get laid, but he will get screwed –Neal

I predict that by the end of 2007, Kim will have a working kitchen sink, or that Paul will have died due to a suspicious cheeseburger accident. –groo

Cindbear and Nostradamus will go into the predicting business together.–Charlie

Someone from AFCA will tell us all to FOAD, leave in a huff, and return a short time later.–Que Barbara
 

 

Posted in 2007 Predictions, AFCA, Crime, Economics, Elections, Neat Stuff, Oddities, Politics | 7 Comments »