The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Why I UnFriended You on Facebook

Posted by thedarwinexception on June 26, 2011

No, this has nothing to do with the Casey Anthony trial – I’m catching up. Hopefully by tomorrow morning I will be all caught up and ready for another week of falling behind.

So I’ve been getting a bunch of notifications from Facebook that “So and So Wants to be your Friend!!” Many of those notifications, I guess, have come from here – because (of course) the vast majority of the readers here are smart enough to include a comment letting me know who you are (and, for some reason I recognized a lot of the names…)

But, just to be fair and upfront with you, I feel I have to tell you, I have a few Facebook rules. I have been known in the past to summarily “unfriend” people without so much as a warning, and while I am absolutely certain that no one gives a flying fuck if I unfriend them (and I’m quite sure some of them haven’t even noticed…) I always feel a little guilty when I do unfriend them, because, you know, they surely didn’t realize why I unfriended them, so I’ll let you guys all in on the reasons…..

Reasons Why I Unfriended You On Facebook:

1. Sonogram Pictures: For the love of all that’s Holy – I do NOT want to see your Sonogram pictures. And I certainly don’t want to see it if you’ve felt the need to go into PhotoShop and attach labels pointing out the child’s penis, or the fact that it’s sucking it’s thumb, or that he has your father’s nose. There’s a great chance that if I’ve never asked to see your uterus before you were pregnant, I certainly don’t want to see it when there is a half formed human living in it. [You would be amazed how many sonogram pictures I regularly receive in my NewsFeed. WTF???? Do you even know how many times I’ve been tempted to post pictures of Paul’s MRI’s? And don’t think I am not going to ask the surgeon if I can take a few pictures of the back operation and post pictures of that. Photoshopped]

2. Guess Why I Posted That: These are the stupid fucking status updates that mean absolutely fucking nothing – and then everyone is supposed to comment asking “WHY???” or “OMG!!! What Happened!!!” You know, the status updates that consist of nothing more than “SOOOO MAD RIGHT NOW!!!” or “OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED!!!” with no further explanation. Yeah, I don’t have time to play fucking charades over the internet. Generally, I post one thing to these status updates: “Vaguebook is down the hall and to the left.” and then I “unfriend” them. With about as much explanation as their status update of “CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!!!” gets.

3. Every Status Update Includes a Picture of Food They just Made, Just Bought, Or Are Just About to Eat: I don’t even understand this one. But I unfriended someone who took a picture of every single meal they were eating. The last straw was a picture of a Big Mac with the status update of “Lunch”. You know, I don’t get out a lot, but I’m pretty sure I know what the fuck a Big Mac looks like. And mostly, this unfriending was a peremptory one. I mean, since I have absolutely no idea why someone would take pictures of their food before they eat it, I have no idea when they are going to start taking pictures of their food as it leaves their body, too.

4. “Its Complicated”: These are the people who change their relationship status at least once a day – generally to reflect their latest argument, lovemaking, or trolling for new relationships. I finally unfriended someone who went from “Single” to “Engaged” to “Married” to “Divorced” in one week.

5. “Top 40”: This is the person who does nothing but post song lyrics as status updates all day long. Unless you are Casey Kasem or Ryan Seacrest, yeah, I don’t want to fucking hear it.

6. Spammer: Yeah, this one is a no-brainer, but if every time you post a status update it’s to tell me that you are now offering 59% off all of your crap on Ebay or Etsy, yeah, I’m unfriending your ass quicker than shit. And if the only reason you have a Facebook account is to shill your Avon, Partylite or SMS crap, maybe you should get off of Facebook and go look for a job.

7. Illiterate: If you don’t know the difference between “Their” and “There” or “Two” and “To”, and if every other word you spell doesn’t have vowels in it, sorry, but you’re fucking gone. It absolutely appalls me how many grown ass people don’t know how to spell. I think I’ve been sheltered by only being in usenet groups where intelligence is the only requirement – and on this blog, where the people commenting are considerably above average in the brains department (well….except some of the local folk who wrote in to rail against my disparaging comments on the beloved Redneck Games….) But I won’t put up with that shit on Facebook.

And I know you all understand all of these rules – and I’m betting you have some pet peeves of your own when it comes to Facebook– let me know what they are, so when you unfriend me, I’ll know why.


21 Responses to “Why I UnFriended You on Facebook”

  1. Amy said

    You forgot the members of God’s Holy Army of Facebook Status Updaters, who post their favorite Bible verse, or prayer, or prayer request, or whatever. I respect people of faith, but I don’t want my Facebook feed to read like a revival meeting, can I get an “Amen!”?

    Also, the Worm Eaters, who are all, “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll eat some worms…” who post so that everyone else will tell them how great they are. Ugh.

    Sorry about my sonogram pictures. It won’t happen again. 🙂
    (I have a VERY cute uterus!!) Gosh, I think I even put ultrasound video on FB. I suck.

    • I put the Prayer People in with the 98%’ers. These are the people who constantly post the “Cancer needs to be cured. Post this as your status for One Hour so we can cure this terrible disease. I know 98% of you won’t….” My general reaction is that if the person KNOWS that 98% of their friends won’t, why don’t they only post the update to the 2% who will?? And I still want to know how Facebook Status’s cure cancer. Because that shit should have been incuded in “The Social Network”.

      And you are forgiven for the ultrasound pictures. Just don’t let it happen again or I shall regale your wall with pictures of Paul’s colonoscopy. 🙂

      • Sprocket said

        Gawd. I HATE those posts asking you to put something on your status….for one hour. Why the forkin’ fork would I go back an hour later and delete something on MY STATUS….just for somebody else?

      • Greg Goss said

        Penn & Teller paid someone $300 to get a colonoscopy on camera for their “Bullshit” show. If you’re gonna post colonoscopy pix, couldn’t you get the $300 first?

  2. I have one friend who is religiously challenged and almost every post is about her choices and beliefs. She is also someone who is unable to stop talking and in a face-to-face with her, one must make a conscious decision to listen, and listen, and do some more listening. It’s a fair test of one’s listening skills. She recently noted in a FB message to me that the people at church seemed to be avoiding her. What did I think?

    Well, if I was to tell her the truth, she would be devastated, so I ignored the question. I sort of want to unfriend her, but in light of this news, I cannot in my own good conscience add to her pain. The rest of her posts are all about other things, including these “wonderful photographs” by other people, never mentioning mine.

    Perhaps she is my ‘lesson’ in patience and forgiveness, or maybe she is the norm of The Others on Facebook. At any rate, I keep her – for now – and like you, unfriend those who cannot spell, post drivel, or insult my intelligence. I liked your posting.

    • Sounds like you and Amy have some friends in common! I only have a few that post the “Prayer of the Day.” I do have a bunch of people that have “the trojan apps”. Those automatic daily postings of I AM 76% SEXY TODAY” and “MY TOP FOLLOWERS!” and, of course, the horoscopes thing. Generally I block those apps when I see them the first time. But it is funny when I see them for a week or so from someone – and then I get a message that “My computer got hijacked!!! That last disgusting thing wasn’t from me!! I got a virus!!” I always chuckle and think “Yeah, how sexy are you now, idiot?”

  3. Anonymous said

    Your and You’re is the one that sends me over the edge in the spelling department.

    • HA! My niece! Every single day she posts notes to her kid. (Yeah, thats another pet peeve – posting messages to your infants on facebook. Unless the fucking kid has learned to read in the 3 weeks since he’s been born – don’t post messages to your kid on Facebook It’s idiotic.) Anyway, so my niece will post messages to her kid. At least once an hour. If she spent as much time with the kid as she did posting messages to it on Facebook, she’d be set. But my FAVORITE one she posts -at least once a day is “Your Mommy’s Everything”. Which, while probably absolutely true, knowing my niece, also probably isn’t what she MEANT it to be.

  4. Amy said

    So right after I read this, I checked my FB and found the following picture. I hope the link works. Don’t click if you’re eating, or if you’re weak stomached…

    My husband, who is a much nicer person than I am, said that “hiding” her is less aggressive than unfriending her. So that’s what I did. But seriously. ***puke***

    (For those too squeamish to click through, it’s a photo of the naked thigh of an extremely overweight woman – the poster’s mom – who has what looks like some kind of flesh eating infection. There’s a crater that appears to be the size of a silver dollar, all open and nasty. And it was in my newsfeed, so it’s not like it was avoidable or anything. Yuck! Hey, what’s for lunch?)

  5. Kim Rock said

    Holy shit, Kim! I came to read your trial blog, saw the title and immediately went to Facebook to see if you had unfriended me! I know my spelling is off once in a while but it’s only at night…and only when I’ve had one too many glasses of wine. Thanks for cutting me some slack.

    I’m with Amy on this one. The holy rollers and worm eaters drive me nuts…I’ve very recently unfriended a worm eater that I’ve known for years. I just couldn’t take her ‘woe is me’ nonsense anymore. Heaven forbid she ever have a real problem! And I’m with you on the ‘post this in your status for one hour…’ crap. I never repost whatever it is and I always feel a little guilty about not doing so. It only last a second or two though and wine helps.

    I get irritated with people on Facebook who brag all the time. You know, the ones who have perfect lives, the perfect mate, perfect kids, receive expensive gifts and always seem to be traveling from one exotic destination to the other. That’s what pisses me off…

    Anyway, I’ve really been anxious to read your take on the last couple of days of the CA trial. I wasn’t able to watch it because my gorgeous husband and I were out of town for our 10th wedding anniversary. He surprised me with a duplicate of my wedding band encrusted with diamonds that he had designed to fit on the opposite side of my engagement ring. And then we were off to a luxurious beach resort where we frolicked in the waves and enjoyed fine dining at a 5 star restaurant. My daughter house sat for us and when we returned, she had made us a wonderfully delicious layer cake from scratch. She’s just adorable. (tee hee hee!) So yeah, I missed the trial coverage.

    • Oh, I wouldn’t unfriend you, Kim. No matter how badly you spell.

      And diamond encrusted rings and beach frolicking??? Hell, I’d skip the trial for that! The closest I got to that was dinner at the local Italian restaurant buffet last night. It was their regular greasy pizza and some noodles cooked in ketchup that they call “stuffed ziti”. And I didn’t get any ring at all – except maybe the ring in the toilet when I puked up the “ziti”.

      Don’t mind me, I’ve been bitter since coming home from my son’s house in Vermont. Nothing makes this place look more horrible than leaving it and coming back. Probably why I never leave it.

  6. The Mrs. and I have been on face book since Jan 2009 and we have met some old friends and relinked after decades.

    It’s a good place to store pictures and I have a pant load of them up there with links I can send to anyone and their dog for free.

    Facebook is in constant beta mode and they are always changing things but what the [sexual action verb], it’s free.

    Unfriending? I get a lot of friends of friends that are nutjobs and if I don’t see eye to eye with them they get the boot.

    I never click on anything that wants to share my information with anything nor do I raise virtual cows or work for Tony Soprano on the side or bake virtual pies.

    Pictures is what I use it for, so if you want to see what life in the Mojave desert 60 miles from nowhere and 6 feet from hell is like, feel free to look thru all my albums, it won’t cost you nothing.

  7. Inara said

    I have been reading your blog for about 2 months and I love it. I love this facebook blog. ‘Vaguebook’….LOVE THIS. I have recently closed my FB account for this reason. An ex/friend/employee,who I thought was a good person started playing ‘vaguebook’ after she got caught doing some pretty bad and quite illegal stuff. I was the one who had to confront her because she was working as a sub contractor under my liability policy.I thought that I would try to get her help as opposed to going to the police. What a mistake!!! She played this ‘vague-book’ crap, making comments that would illicit sympathy without ever having the balls to come out and say what she really wanted to. I did not respond to any of this high school bully behavior and just closed my account. I am always surprised that ‘adults’ or as you wrote,’grown ass people resort to FB to act out their undiagnosed Personality Disorders. I love your blog.

    Also, Jose B, if you are reading any of these blogs…..say goodbye to that law license

  8. V. said

    Love your post here…and I just cracked up with the Vaguebookers. Definitely one of the sub-types (and one that annoys me particularly.)

  9. caroline said

    First of all let me say that your recent coverage of the CA trial has been superb and I really enjoy your summations, since Jose B. and his wit-lisses often leave me in a state of slumber. Dr. Spitz, anyone?

    IMO-Facebook is an excuse for all of the losers of the world to fabricate a persona for themselves that barely resembles the real thing.

    I read my sister-in-law’s “page” and didn’t find any crumb of resemblance to the real woman, (petty, manipulative, ignorant). I did find a lot of religious clap-trap and a lot of bullshit about her “career”, marriage, children, and really old pictures of her..

    What posssible reason would anyone care to read about your thoughts at the moment, how you are feeling RIGHT NOW, your sonogram, food you have consumed or plan on consuming, boyfriends, girlfriends, children’s hobbies, your hobbies and how many space-book fans friends you have, ad naseum?

    A GIANT waste of time. Another brillant invention by the generation that invented “texting”. I would rather slit my wrists than “post” all of private ruminations for all of the other boring people out there to read.

  10. Sandy in CO said

    Jeesh, you have said all and more as to why I am not a FB user. Was at one time….. with an alias. (Please don’t block me for using dots)

    I don’t have enough friends to work that hard on FB and no interest in strangers wanting me to play “games”.

    Deleting friends? I block email contacts. Even relatives, those who have some personal investment for sending political and health information. This nonsense bores me and they can fill my email box with it. I probably need new relatives.

    Love having your thoughts back. I’ve missed you so much that there was a separation anxiety. It is long gone knowing you are still the gal that can swing a sword through all going on and that Paul is well too.

    Having a cup of coffee this morning with you and your posters was great!

  11. Skweekie said

    There is a block function on Facebook. If you are concerned about unfriending someone, just block them instead. They can post sonograms all day long, but nothing from them will show up in your newsfeed. I use this function a lot especially for annoying family members who insist on being facebook friends.

  12. hetherfly said

    Lord we have a lot in common. The only one you missed was “Judy answered a question about you”, that shows up on your page, which is also annoying. I’m also with Sprocket on the “post this for an hour”.
    What I love most is when I come to this site and see some random rant like this one. It just makes my day.

  13. my thoughts exactly! ROTFL!

    With friendship,

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