The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Archive for March, 2009

OctoMom Diagnosed By Her (Former) Publicist

Posted by thedarwinexception on March 9, 2009


So Nadya Suleman (and don’t you love the moniker “Octo-Mom”?) has lost yet another publicist. And this one didn’t blame “death threats” or “frightening emails”, no this one came right out and pronounced Octo-Mom “Nuts”. I know! I was just as surprised as you that anyone would call her “Nuts”. I haven’t talked a lot about “Octo-Mom”, preferring to reserve judgment on the woman, but, since it is now “official”, and her own publicist has pronounced her a little short of psychiatric normality, let’s go ahead and talk about her. And let’s also hope that Rihanna’s publicist is taking notes, because that woman is on the road to being fucking nuts herself. 

No, I decided I wasn’t going to pass judgment when she gave birth to eight kids, because, you know, to each his own, right? And yeah, a lot of people were screaming and yelling because “She’s going to be a burden on taxpayers!!!” But, you know, I just figured *that* would never happen, not as long as there was an opening in TLC’s line-up for another “Look how stupid these fucking people are!” program. I mean, even the Duggar’s haven’t figured out how to spit them out eight at a time yet. 

Then a lot of people got pissed off when Octo-Mom started giving interviews and it became apparent that the woman didn’t know *what* the fuck she was doing. She planned on bringing her kids home to a 2 bedroom house with her parents and her other 6 kids, under the assumption that “God will provide”. Which, OK, that kind of turned my head a little because, you know, I didn’t realize God was handing out stimulus checks. And since God hasn’t provided for *me* lately, I wondered “Fuck, am I just not praying hard enough?” Octo-Mom is going to be sorely disappointed if she thinks “God will provide”. Because even God is shaking his fucking head at her saying “Dude, if I wanted you to have eight kids at a time, I’d have given you 9 boobs.” 

Octo-Mom must have realized that if God was going to provide, he wasn’t going to do it right away, because then there were rumors that she was going to do a Porno. And a lot of people got pissed off over that. Of course, the name “Octopussy” is already taken, unfortunately, but that didn’t stop the rumors. But really, how successful would this be? I mean, who really wants to see some Angelina Jolie look alike having sex with eight men, especially when you *know* that extra flap of skin that used to be her belly has to be an image that will stay with you a long, long, time. And not in a good way. Believe me, it’s not sexy to have extra skin that can be stretched out like a circus tent. 

And no, I won’t be buying the birth tape she’s shopping around either. Mostly because I’ve *seen* Alien. Partly because I don’t want to see *anyone’s* birth tape. Thanks, really, I don’t.. I get kind of squicked out when people shove sonogram pictures in my face. 

So, if there was anyone left who wasn’t already pissed off about Octo Mom, then we get to hear a 911 call where she was wailing and moaning because she came up slightly short on one of the head counts and had a kid that was missing. And a lot of people are now questioning her ability to keep track of 14 kids, you know because that’s 8 more than the 6 she apparently had trouble keeping track of. I kind of gave her a pass on the “I lost my kid” call, because who hasn’t lost a kid for a minute? And the threats of “I’m going to kill myself!” were, I’m sure, nothing but hyperbole. I really don’t think she had a gun at her head. And yeah, the other kids probably heard her say that, but, let’s be real, the bitch had 6 kids under the age of what? Two? I’m sure they heard her say “I’m going to kill myself” more than once. If it was me, at that point my kids would have seen me stick my head in the fucking oven at least once a day. And those pills on my nightstand would have been known as “Mommy’s little escape hatch”. 

But, I guess all this,, coupled with Octo-Mom’s obvious disregard for the truth and reality, what with her contradictions in basic facts (“I’m not on Welfare – I’m on a needs based program”, and “The church is coming to help me”, when the church isn’t even aware of her, and she’s not a member there), have made her latest publicist decide to quit with the pronouncement  that “She’s nuts”.

And there are millions of people shaking their heads saying “Ya think???”


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