The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Posted by thedarwinexception on December 24, 2008


So, do you all remember the Useless Twins? They stayed here a while. and I hated them. Now, I hated them for many reasons, mostly because they were useless. And also because the first of the useless twins was lazy, lazy, lazy. He had a thing for avoiding doing anything, even picking up after himself. If it looked to him like you were getting anywhere near him with a request for him to actually like, move – you know, to take a shower or pick up his garbage or take his damned dog out or even pick up his feet so you could vacuum around him, he would grab his oxygen mask and start sucking on it. A subtle way for him to say “Oh my God! I’m SICK!!! Sick I tell ya!!” 

Of course, this oxygen mask that he so conveniently sucked on when anyone came near him with work in their eyes never stopped him from puffing down one cigarette after another, and ya know, I don’t really have a lot of sympathy in my heart for people who drag around their oxygen tanks with one hand while holding their pack of cigarettes in the other. I just don’t. Call it a fault of mine, but I don’t. 

And when this useless twin moved in here, I used to comment to Paul that it was kind of dangerous for the useless twin to be housed in a small room the way he was with a bunch of oxygen tanks and his habit of lighting one cigarette after another. I always was afraid that sooner or later he was going to start a fire. If not from the mere proximity of the open flames to the oxygen tanks, then from his rather regular habit of falling asleep with cigarettes in his hand. I just knew it was a recipe for disaster. Of course, Paul would never like, actually SAY anything to the useless twin, because that might piss him off and Paul would have a nervous breakdown if he thought that anyone was mad at him. 

But that never stopped ME from telling the useless twin “I can’t wait until you set your fat lazy ass on fire.” 

Well, as they say in the card game “Go Fish” – “I got what I wanted!” 

Paul came home yesterday and told me he heard through the Malone grapevine that the useless twin had done just that – set his fat lazy ass on fire. Supposedly he is in intensive care with second and third degree burns on his face and upper body. He was smoking a cigarette while sucking on his oxygen and KABOOM  – he exploded. Luckily, the apartment he lives in with his daughter and her little boy didn’t burn to the ground. because that would be too bad. Also luckily, for the useless twin,  he was partying with a friend and the friend was able to snatch the cannules out of useless twins nose before useless twin breathed too much fire. 

Now, Paul was beside himself telling me this sad, sad story. And he was quite upset when I started laughing as he told me about it, and when I said “Well, good enough for him, the stupid fuck” Paul couldn’t understand my cold heartedness. But, sorry, I don’t have a lot of sympathy for stupid people who do stupid things to court disaster and then have disaster befall them. The only thing I feel sorry about it that the taxpayers have to pay the hospital bill for the stupid ass. I think useless twin should be forced to (GASP!) WORK to pay his own hospital bill for his own stupid actions. Why should I have to pay for that when I told him REPEATEDLY when he was living here “You know, it’s dangerous to smoke when you have pure oxygen in those tanks right there.” And no, sorry, I don’t have any sympathy for him. None whatsoever. 

And that’s my “I don’t give a fuck if it IS Christmas, I don’t have goodwill towards man” story for the day.


6 Responses to “Kaboom”

  1. A.D.A. said

    Woah, Kim! I’m sure glad he didn’t blow up your house!!
    I agree; it’s funny. What an idiot!

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

  2. LOL Kim!

    Just stopped by to wish you a Merry XMas!

    With friendship,

  3. Caroline said

    Maybe he can move in with the Duggars while he recuperates.

    Merry Christmas Kim! Thanks for your great and insightful blog. Sleep late, enjoy the eggnog and eat a lot of great food!

  4. Cathy said

    Caroline: Would the Duggars even notice? LOL

    KIm, I 100 percent agree with your assessment regarding this useless pile of human tissue. I don’t blame you for being a bitch and laughing. I would have too, with a hearty dose of “I told you so!”

    Your hubby has a heart of gold but he seems to easily forget YOUR health situation … and puts the needs of others before yours.

    And it does suck that the Useless Twins and spawn are supported by our tax dollars (social security) and God-knows-what-else they extort from the state of New York.

    You take care of yourself, girl!

    P.S. What do you think of the prospects of Caroline Kennedy becoming one of your state senators? I have my opinion but of course I am here on the left coast so it doesn’t really matter. (My opinion of course is heaven help NY state … *now* she’s interested in politics and her claims to fame are Kennedy DNA, an Ivy league education and being a “fund raiser?” Sounds suspiciously similar to a “community organizer.”)

  5. pam said

    Your story way tops mine. I used to hostess at a restaurant that had jar-type candles on the tables. One night an old lady comes in, sits in the smoking secton, requests that I remove the candle because she was on oxygen, then she proceeded to light up. I guess she coulda killed us!

    Happy New Year.

  6. ellen said

    I’m afraid I would have laughed too.

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