So, on this, the last day of the year, there will be tons of “Best of…” lists, right? Everyone has their choices for “Best Sarah Palin moment” (which was probably really a Tin Fey moment), “Best Movie” and “Best Celebrity Freak Out.” But I’m more cynical than all that. My lists aren’t made up of “Bests” of the year – my lists are made up of “Worst” of the year. So let’s look at some of them.
1. Worst Movie I was really looking forward to: Mama Mia.
I love musicals. Own most of the Broadway musicals that have come out on DVD in one format or another. In fact, I have two different copies of Jesus Christ Superstar, the Norman Jewison movie and the Broadway staged version. I loved Chicago, loved Dreamgirls, loved “Into the Woods” and Grease and “The Producers” – hell, I even have “Annie!” But Mama Mia?? This movie sucked. Sucked, sucked, sucked. Having not had the opportunity or good fortune to actually see the Broadway version, I don’t know if it’s just that the entire thing sucked from conception, and was bound to suck as a movie and I was just ignorant, or if it was just that the movie sucked because the two lead actors, Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan, can’t fucking sing. And no, they can’t fucking sing. Meryl Streep is a terrific actress, no doubt, but whoever told her that she could carry a movie that is composed mostly of her singing and rolling around on a roof should be taken out and shot. Because the bitch can’t sing. And Pierce may be handsome – but he can’t sing either. And you know, that’s kind of an integral part of this movie. You know, the whole singing thing. So, this was the absolute worst movie I was really looking forward to.
2. Worst Cheerleader: Cindy Anthony
Of course. Did anyone have a chance at this title once Cindy threw her hat in the ring? Cindy Anthony spent most of 2008 running around from the Today show to Larry King to local news outlets in Orlando, Florida, explaining to everyone that her daughter was not a murderer, but was the target of “evil people” who had stolen her granddaughter and threatened her entire family, and poor Casey was just trying to protect them all – you know, by partying in bars until the wee hours of the morning and going to tattoo parlors to get tattoos that said, presumably, “Don’t Kill Me, please, evil people.” This dynamic duo should have a terrific 2009, what with the upcoming murder trial of Casey Anthony. I truly hope that Christmas day this past week had Cindy Anthony re-evaluating her dogged support of Casey, and that she at least called the jail and asked Casey “What the fuck were you thinking?” And if there was *any* good in the authorities finally identifying the little skeleton found less than a mile from the Anthony’s home as the remains of Caylee Anthony, it was that it finally seems to have shut Cindy Anthony the fuck up. This bitch was on every news and talk show in the nation for months and months and months, talking about all the Caylee sightings across the country, and in fact, she and her husband were in California following another Caylee sighting when the remains were found. But the moment the remains of Caylee were found, she disappeared from sight. Without so much as a comment. And in a case as sad as this one, you have to hold on to the small bits of good news that you get. Shutting Cindy Anthony up is good news.
3. Worst Mother: The Pregnant Man.
The pregnant man is now pregnant again, with his/her second child. And I still want to know what the birth certificates of these children says. Who is listed as the mother? The man who gave birth to them? And is this guy/girl also listed as the father? Because that would be a really weird birth certificate. I also wonder if he/she is breastfeeding. Because that would be weird, too.
4. Worst Place to buy a pair of shoes: British Columbia
In a case that has confounded investigators and creeped out Canadian beachgoers, at least six severed human feet have been found on the shores of British Columbia since August 2007. The most recent discovery was in November, when a New Balance athletic shoe with a human foot inside was found south of Vancouver near the mouth of a river. (A black high-top sneaker with a foot inside was found on the beach in Washington in August.) One of the feet found in Canada was identified as that of a man who had been missing for months; two others have been linked to a different individual, still unidentified. Medical experts say that the feet most likely detached naturally from bodies floating in the ocean, but why so many have found their way to the strait between mainland British Columbia and Vancouver Island is still unknown.
5. Worst US Import: Radioactive Dirt
In May, an unusual shipment made its way from Kuwait to Idaho: 6,700 tons of radioactive sand. The cargo, contaminated by traces of depleted uranium from military vehicles and munitions that caught on fire during the first Gulf War, was extracted from a U.S. army base and dumped at a hazardous waste disposal site 70 miles southeast of Boise. And this isn’t the first shipment, either: in years past, the dump operator, American Ecology Corp., has ferried hazardous materials from U.S. military bases overseas to sites in Idaho, Nevada, and Texas. “As you can imagine,” a company spokesman explained to the Associated Press, apparently without irony, “the host countries of those bases don’t want the waste in their country.”
6. Worst Record Set: The Detroit Lions
Yes, in December the Detroit Lions achieved the dubious distinction of being the first NFL Football team in history to finish a regular season without a single win. Next month they are reportedly going to Washington DC – not for the first round draft pick, but to ask congress to bail them out.
7. Worst New Word: “Staycation”
What’s a staycation? Why, that’s a vacation, but you aren’t going anywhere, you are staying home. I’ve been going on staycations for years. They aren’t fun, and they aren’t hip, either, but are usually a sign that you don’t have the money to do anything *but* enjoy a “staycation”. I don’t need a new word to point out the fact that I’m broke.
8. Worst Resurrection of a Ralph Macchio character: “I go through life like a Karate Kid.”
Britney Spears answer, when asked how she “navigates the perils of fame”, was the head scratching line “I go through life like a karate kid.” And I understand that you have to consider the source, but what the fuck does that mean?? That she “waxes on, waxes off”?
9. Worst time suck YouTube video: “Where the Hell is Matt?”
I’ve watched this video 1000 times. It never fails to draw me in for the entire 5 minutes, which means I wasted about 5000 minutes on this thing.
10. Worst Oprah Guest: Herman Rosenblat
So Oprah was all embarrassed and shit when she had that “Million Little Pieces” guy on her show and she hawked his book, and then it turned out that well, the book wasn’t really an autobiography, after all. Which, you would think, would make Oprah *really* careful when hawking books, right? But no, Oprah got fooled again. Herman Rosenblat went on the Oprah show not once, but TWICE, with her fawning all over him,, telling her audience that his was the :best love story of all time.” It was the story of how he was at some concentration camp and he met this curly haired girl and the girl gave him food and they never knew each other’s names, and then decades later they met again on a blind date and they got married. Only none of it was true. It was all a lie. Poor Oprah! Of course, this opens up the possibility that Paul and I have the best love story ever – we met at work and we were both living with our significant others and we met clandestinely at hotels once or twice a week to fuck our brains out. Ahhhhh……love.