The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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I Need A Round Tuit

Posted by thedarwinexception on October 13, 2008

 

So today is officially my birthday. Another year. Val brought me over a double batch of brownies, a carrot cake (YEAH!) – oh AND I got to see the baby!!! She’s beautiful, but you knew that. And supposedly Paul is taking me to Chinese Buffet tonight. We’ll see.  OH – and Val got me a cute card and, not to be outdone, Paul brought me a card HE had bought me – it’s one of those annoying singing cards – with the cast of “Friends” on the front and the card sings “I’ll be there for you.” And Paul signed it “I’ll always be there for you…” Awwwwwww…..isn’t that nice? Yeah, that’s what he WANTS you to think.

Then this morning when I got up he had another card on my computer diesk – it’s the mushy “To My Loving Wife” card with like 40 pages of schlock before you get to the end. Paul likes those sappy cards – makes him feel sensitive. I usually get him the cards with that crabby old lady on the front that say something like “Yeah, I know it’s your special day, come on, let’s get the birthday sex thing over with.”

My mother called me yesterday – but not for my birthday. She’s such a weird old bat, I swear to God. She called me just to chat, I really thought she was calling to say Happy Birthday. Finally, she’s getting ready to hang up and I say – “Well, you’re going to call me tomorrow, right?” And she says “Tomorrow? Why? Was I supposed to call you tomorrow?” And I say “Mom, what’s tomorrow?” And she’s says “Well, tomorrow’s Monday, right?” And I said “No, Mom, what’s tomorrow?” And she says “It’s not Monday, well, fuck, I get all fucking confused. I thought today was Sunday.” I say “Mom, today IS Sunday…” And she says “Well, why the fuck are you trying to confuse me, then? I said tomorrow was Monday.” I say “Mom, what’s the DATE tomorrow?” And she says “Oh, I don’t know. I can’t keep track of that.” Then she looks at the calendar and says “Oh, Luke’s birthday is the 26th.” (Luke is my 3 year old nephew – to turn 4 on the 26th, I guess.). She still didn’t figure out that it was my birthday today. She may before the day is over, but I’m not holding out hope…

But, despite my mother not remember what she was doing on this day umpteen years ago, it’s my birthday – well, it was at exactly 8:13 this morning, Eastern time. So, it’s time to reflect on all the things I was going to do this past year and never got around to. Because I procrastinate and I’m lazy. 

1. I never bought a whistle. I want a whistle. For the telemarketers. I finally did wait for the one guy who, whenever I pick up the phone, has a recording that says “This is your final warning that your car warranty has expired. Please stay on the line for important information about our discount rates for homeowners in your area.” Now, number one – I don’t have a car. Why I would need a final warning that my car warranty has expired is beyond me. But why I would need that warning at 7:30 in the fucking morning is just annoying. Finally, I waited for the guy to come on the line rather than my usual thing of hanging up as soon as I picked up the phone to hear the “final warning” message. The real live guy finally gets on the phone and says “Are you interested in hearing about how we can provide discount auto insurance?” And I said “NO I’M NOT – and I’m especially not fucking interested at 7:30 in the fucking morning!!! Dude, I don’t have a car – you are wasting your sales pitch time and you are just annoying me – take me off your fucking list and we’ll both see a rise in our productivity levels. KAY?” He hung up on me. I need a whistle. Because I would have used it. 

2. I never did empty out all the boxes in the Harley barn. Not that this was necessarily going to be a “one year” project. But I at least wanted SOME of the boxes empty. Never happened. Of course, that’s probably a good thing because….

3. Another year has gone by without a garage sale. I NEED to have a garage sale. If I could get rid of some of the crap in here, I could do a lot more of number three, above. But it’s a catch 22. The more boxes I empty, the more I need to have a garage sale. The more I need to have a garage sale, the less boxes I can empty. So I do nothing. 

4. I didn’t write to Brangelina and ask them to put me on their list of potential adoptees. I mean, how cool would that be? To have a jet setting Mom and Dad who schlepped you all over the world looking for brothers and sisters to bring home with you? No trinkets like snow globes for them, they bring home KIDS. I figure I still have a chance, though, since even when they birth kids, they go to other countries to have them so they can say :”they’re foreign.” I figure they have to get around to getting a kid from the good old USA eventually, and damn it, I want it to be ME. 

5. I didn’t make it to the Lizzie Borden house. I really want to go there and spend a night or two. I think that would be awesome. I love “haunted houses”, but they have to be “haunted houses” with a real documented past. I don’t want to stay in some house that someone says “Oh, I hear noises.” Now, if they hear noises and there was a triple homicide in the house, ok, you got me. But I don’t want to stay in some Amityville Horror house because you saw flies on the window, fuck, leave some bananas on my kitchen island long enough and I get flies on the window, too. I want a house with a history.

6. I didn’t get to Mood Fabrics. Damn it. I so want to go to Mood. And I want to just happen to run into Tim Gunn (because you know he just hangs out there, right?) And they even have a close out section- where everything is 75% off. At 75% off, some of their fabric is only $14.00 a yard. Can you fucking imagine?? $14.00 a yard when it’s 75% off?? And here I bitch when Joanne’s puts things on the clearance rack and it’s priced at $2.00 a yard instead of their usual $1.00 and I have to wait for “50% off clearance table items” day. I didn’t spend $14.00 a yard on my wedding dress material. But it really does put Project Runway into perspective. They give the designers $100 to go shopping at Mood. That’s why that shit they makes looks so funky and is such messed up prints. That’s all they can afford is the fucked up prints no one else would buy. Give me $100 to go shopping at Joanne’s for an outfit and I could buy entire bolts of chartreuse and silk. 

7. I didn’t teach Milo a single command or trick. Not one. Milo doesn’t even know what the fucking word “Sit” means. I kid you not. You tell Milo sit and he looks at you like “What the fuck are you talking about, Willis?” Every year we watch all the dog shows and I think “Ok, Milo is just as ‘standard’ as those dogs are, he could win a dog show.” But those dogs walk on leashes right next to you, and when you stop, they stop. Milo doesn’t do that. And then we watched :”The Greatest American Dog”, and I thought “My dog is just as great as those dogs”, but once you watch the show, yeah, not so much. Those dogs roll over, play dead, catch frisbees, dance, speak, walk over boards and run mazes. Milo wouldn’t do any of that shit. If you threw a frisbee for Milo to catch, Milo would watch it go by his head and then look at you as if to say “yeah, I’d like to play with that – are you going to go get it for me now that you threw it all the way over there?” Milo has ONE trick – and it’s not even a trick. Every week I go get groceries and I go to the dollar store to buy him a stuffed animal (yes, every week, yes, you should see his toy box….) I bring in about 20 bags (well, less bags now since groceries cost double what they did last year.) But I put them all on the kitchen floor, all 10-20 bags, and Milo will circle the bags, find the dollar store bag without doing anything but looking at them, and pull out his toy from the dollar store bag and run upstairs with it. That’s it. That’s his trick. He doesn’t sit, he doesn’t shake, he doesn’t roll over or catch frisbees, he identifies dollar store bags. 

8. I still didn’t call and cancel all these magazine subscriptions I get every week and month. Someone signed my up for a bunch of magazine subscriptions that came in some sort of “package” and I shit you not, I get like 30 magazines a month – and some are doubles. I get magazines no one would EVER read. “Inc” – who the fuck reads “Inc”? Or “Fast Company”? Or “Outdoor Photographer”? I go outside as little as fucking possible, why would I need “Outdoor Photographer?”  “Better Homes and Gardens.” I thought this thing folded 50 fucking years ago. “Ladies Home Journal”, “OK” – which is a really bad rip off of “People”, and assorted bullshit like “Sporting News” and “Redbook”. And then half of my telemarketing calls are sales pitches to extend my subscriptions. I told the last guy “EXTEND?? Dude, if you could END them, I’d be eternally fucking grateful.” And don’t get me started on Blender magazine. Which isn’t about kitchen appliances, as you’d think – it’s about music. I get three of those every month. THREE. And I don’t even LIKE Blender and I don’t even want ONE subscription to it 

9. I didn’t run for Judge. Or “City Complainer” (and yes, that should be a real office.) Someone needs to be over the shoulders of all those other elected officials to tell them how fucked up and stupid they are, and how this town needs a kick in the ass. Someone needs to be running around bringing the message to the people “THERE’S MORE TO LIFE THAN PRETENDING YOU ARE A REDNECK!!” I didn’t abolish the Redneck Games, or even convince anyone that it’s not such a great idea. I didn’t buy TV commercial time for “Kill a Puppy Day” and then tell people when they complain that I am killing puppies “But, we are doing it for Make A Wish – that makes it all OK, right?” Nope, I didn’t do a single thing to make the town better. Even Val, who now has TWO kids and was pregnant for most of the year and had TWO jobs, managed to hold fundraisers and attend all the town functions, and take the Amish women shopping and support her church and her house and her husband. AND can her own pickles and make me brownies. Fucking little wonder woman, she is. And she makes me tired. 

10. I didn’t sort through the yarn and fabric in the sewing room and empty out the boxes of yarn and fabric still in there waiting to be emptied. And more keep coming from the Harley barn. Seems every time Paul opens a box in the Harley barn lately, it ends up being full of fabric or yarn and he has to bring it up here and put it on my sewing table. My 24 foot long sewing table is now covered in boxes that need to be emptied. But I have no room. I need to sort through the yarn already on shelves and fabric that is already stuffed in the cupboards and put some of this shit away. And find space for some of the sewing and knitting magazines (which, unlike the “Sporting News”, I actually want…). I need more bookshelves, but there’s no room for more. I think I just need to take over the master bedroom, which is much bigger than the computer room or the sewing room, and put all my stuff in there. The master bedroom also has the advantage of 15 foot high ceilings with a ledge around the top – how nice would that be for all my little sewing trinkets and antique sewing things? And? The master bedroom is painted PLUM. I’m thinking this might be a plan. Of course, next year I’ll be sitting here saying “I didn’t take over the master bedroom as my sewing room…” Because you know, that just seems like work, and I’m tired. And lazy.

So, if your birthday is coming up – you still have time. Get everything done and I won’t make you list here all the things you were supposed to do, but didn’t.

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22 Responses to “I Need A Round Tuit”

  1. anygirl said

    Hey, ~HAPPY BIRTHDAY~ my own lazy libra birthday is a few days away. No list is ever made, many things are not done..ever…and a few boxes from my move to this house 20 years ago are still hidden in a corner of the basement ….unpacked of course. But I am a happy and peaceful person. Maybe something should upset me a little again so that I get going…no, nevermind. My hair is long, long too. Cut it every now and then and donate the lengthy poneytail to the American Cancer Society like so many others do. Hair I have lots of…energy…not so much. Enjoy the next year, we sure do enjoy you…

  2. AtwoodLady said

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KIM!!!!!!

    I see you have quite a Bucket List of undone things since your last birthday. Perhaps if you didn’t take time to knit, watch the OJ jamboree, get a good night’s sleep when the kid broke into the wrong house, helped and try to locate ZL and dug Paul out from under the house, you just might get a few of the important things on your list done before your next birthday.

    Have a terrific day and I will be singing “Happy Birthday” to you from the state of Ohio.

    XO’s

  3. Kim (Canada) said

    Happy Birthday Kim!
    At least you’ve now got this new year to work on all those things…
    I figure if THEY were THAT important, you would HAVE got ’em done –
    No biggie! Don’t sweat it!
    You’ll get it done when it’s meant to be done…Until then,

    ENJOY YOUR DAY!
    Have a great dinner tonight, and enjoy just being the birthday girl today!

    OH Yeah! Happy Canadian Thanksgiving too! It’s amazing, I get to stay home today and watch all these crazy American tv shows….Can’t believe all the tv Judges out there. Every show that’s played so far today has been one judge after another making all sorts of crazy small claims rulings – Gotta tell ya, some of these have been quite comical. Can’t believe some of the stuff some people will sue for… I shake my head…

    Again, I wish you the best for your new year, and will have a toast of wine a little later to celebrate your day – Take care! And thanks for all you bring us!

    Fonzie :`)

  4. A.D.A. said

    Many happy returns of the day, Kim!

  5. Val Dalton said

    HAHA Kim happy birthday. Hope you enjoyed the food. Now you’ll have to go outside and clean the barn to work off the extra calories. See i’m helping you with your list and I didn’t even know it!

    If you do stay at the Lizzie Borden house let me know I’m sure Janice would love to go with you. She’s into all that ghost stuff, she watches that Ghost Hunters show all the time. She’s even got me watching it now and then when i actually have time to watch tv.

    It’s cool that you have a nephew Luke too.. his birthday is 4 days before my Lukes 🙂 Do you make him halloween costumes too? lol

  6. Caroline said

    Happy Birthday!! I can see by your list that you feel you did not accomplish all that you wanted to, but I tend to look at birthdays as another year one has avoided a visit by the grim reaper. You forgot to mention that you have entertained all your fans by your lively blog!

    I’ve got a long list of unfortunate events that have happened this year in my life. Ranging from my delusional mother breaking a kneecap and turning herself into my permanent roomate, capped off by a giganto flood in my basement last week, BY ME!

    Due to massive sleep deprivation (see above) I accidently left the garden house on all night in the flower bed next to the house, the water level rose so high it poured thru the daylight basement window causing the basement to look like a Hurricane Katrina newsreel.

    A couple of days later I go downstairs to do some laundry….I see my mother’s entire household furnishings, clothes, books and a whole lot of my shit FLOATING around in this soup, not to mention my washer, dryer and freezer are all sittng in 6″ of water. Thank god the wine was up about 5 feet on a shelf in the pantry.

    Since then my life has turned into insurance hell. It took three big trucks to haul away all of the ruined stuff, so at least I won’t have to worry about having that big garage sale. But my hair looks great, thanks to the highlights all of the new gray hair doesn’t show!

  7. AtwoodLady said

    Happy Birthday, Kim,

    This is your special day…..not a ruminations of others unfortunate events

  8. west coast said

    happy birthday! and many more!
    I turned 50 this year and have been more motivated, or at least in a hurry, to get things done. A friend said, so if you croak, who’s gonna clean out all those boxes in the attic? Your teenagers? Surely not your husband. So, that has me going. Amazingly I dont need or want most of the “stuff” any more. Glad you are fired up for your birthday. So how old are you now? as the song goes…
    Happy birthday!!!

  9. AtwoodLady said

    Duh…..guess I missed the humor from a previous post

  10. Mary Beth said

    Happy Happy Kim!! Remember all that you did this last year & it’s a lot. Blogged all year. Put up with Paul’s ass. Went to an idiot hospital. Put up with Paul’s ass. Knitted, Knitted, Knitted. Put up with Paul’s ass. Worried about Zombie Lady. Put up with Paul’s ass. Remember this may not all be in order as it happened. Won awards at the fair for your wonderful talents of knitting. And, they don’t even know about your gift of writing. Their lost. You gift of writing is just beyond my expression. Oh, and then there is the Devan Sweater…which I would have thrown into the trash. You are a good person. Lets not forget the Simpson trial & a thankful verdict. You did such a great job capturing all of the nusances of it. As much as I wanted the bastard found guilty of anything you kept a level head. And, not to mention put up with Paul’s ass!! By the way…keep putting up with his idiot ass…he’s 90% better than anyone else out there. Absolutely, I can confirm this.

    You are a kind and caring person….and, I wish you a happy birthday & many more…

  11. Gail said

    Kim, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Yum Carrot Cake and Brownies! Val is such a nice Lady! 🙂

    Good Lord hope you enjoyed the day and stop worrying about what didn’t get done! LOL I have learned not to care and worry about stuff like that, there is always another time ya know!

    Paul is nice! Hope you enjoyed the Chinese restaurant tonight! Sounds to me as you had a nice day, cards and dinner from Paul. Not to worry about your Mom, they get that way traveling O L D !

    I wanted your address to send you a present, so you will get it when I send the check for the Devon sweater.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

  12. emagineer said

    Happy day to you. And I’ll bet there was more showing up to celebrate.

    How can you possibly have any guilt over “boxes”? Your life this year has been filled with so much and 90% for other’s. The leftover 10% was pulling through your own issues which could not be ignored. And your readers wouldn’t let you have any alone time either.

    I don’t know how mom’s get that way. But mine did too and never said a thing to her forever. Am waiting for my time to be there, it must have to do with our brains holding too much over the many years of living. A good defrag would be nice to reorganize the info. Or the days just sort of mush together when old.

    You are one great gal.

  13. mclayton said

    Hope your day was really special, you deserve only the best. Any updates from ZL’s son?
    What is your opinion on this election? I admire your ability to weed out the bs and see what is underneath the pile. How much do you think race will play in the final vote? How would you feel with Palin as President if McCain should win and not live to fulfill the term?

  14. veronique said

    Holy Moly, did you see? They’ve indicted Casey Anthony (finally!)

  15. Kimberly Storey said

    we miss you at Raverly, and hope you are doing well! Happy b’day! Hope to see you swapping again soon!

    Kim

    (aka CastratedBean/NObama)

    thanks!

  16. ellen said

    Happy Happy – and only a little tiny bit late because I can’t seem to get around to reading blogs these days.

    Maybe your problem is the nature of your list? If you put things on your list that you actually WANT to do (eg: Eat more brownies) you’ll have better luch ticking them off.

  17. Niner said

    Hey Kim – hope you had a great Birthday celebration!! I LOVE Chinese!! Been trying for the last week to get the Huz to make me some!! LOL! (He’s the cook in our house!)

    And I won’t worry about those boxes… I have TONS of them in my garage AND under the house!! LOL!

    YES!! Casey A indicted for murder!! Finally!! And I see the Equsearch is coming back (Nov. 8th) to resume their search for Caylee! Now, I see they have an eye witness of Casey coming out of the woods with a shovel and plastic bag!!

  18. Randee said

    Belated, but: Happy Birthday!

  19. Gail said

    WOW-Eye-witness of Casey coming out of woods with a shovel and plastic bag, news to me! If this is true, Equsearch should know right where to search. Niner source? thanks in advance 🙂

  20. Niner said

    Gail are you asking me the ‘source’ of this story?? I saw it on Nancy Grace a couple of nights ago… I hope it IS true!!!

    Hey Kim – hope all is going well with you – any more Stupid News clips??? Love those, as does my husband!

    Any ‘good’ news on ZL??? Has her son called you back yet??

    Take care, Kim!

  21. The Other Kim with the 2 Boxer Dogs said

    Happy belated Birthday, Kim! I haven’t been on in a while…sorry I missed it!

    We watched Greatest American Dog too and my dogs don’t do any of that crap either. Sounds like Milo would fit right in at my house!

  22. Gail said

    Good Morning Kim!:) Hope all is well with you! I worry about you when we don’t hear from you for awhile.

    Niner, thanks for the info. I also hope it IS true. It isn’t too realistic with all that has happened to think darling little Caylee is alive, I keep praying she is alive somewhere, but if not there needs to be JUSTICE for her.

    Kim, any news about ZL?

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