The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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I Want A Dull Life – PLEASE

Posted by thedarwinexception on August 23, 2008

Why? Why does this shit only happen to ME??? WHY??? How fucked up is my karma that I can’t lead a fucking normal dull life??

So, we just got back from the police station.

Holly, our dog, started barking about 3 am. Non stop, continuous barking – which she NEVER does at night. Paul was yelling downstairs “HOLLY! Shut the fuck up!” But she wouldn’t. Then it started dawning on Paul “You know, this bark isn’t her normal bark…” So he gets up to go downstairs and see what’s up.

He yells at Holly, then I hear the fridge door open, then close, then I hear Paul start yelling and I hear “scuffling” noises. And Paul is yelling “Motherfucker!! What the fuck are you doing in my house?” Then Paul yells up the stairs to me “KIM!! CALL 911! This fucker is in my house!”

I hear someone yelling at Paul, but I can’t make out what this person is saying – just phrases here and there because mostly I hear Paul screaming “I’m going to kill you motherfucker.” And Holly is barking and there’s the sound of punching going on – and I don’t know if this person is armed or if he’s fighting Paul and I’m calling 911 and getting transferred for some reason and finally I get the Malone police on the line and I’m telling the dispatcher “Look, dude, you better send someone over here, because I think my husband is killing someone.”

I didn’t dare go downstairs, and the dispatcher guy is telling me “Stay on the line – don’t hang up…” and I hear him tell the cop car “Go to this address – intruder in the residence – altercation.” And he comes back on the line with me and he says “Do you know the person?” And I said “Well, I doubt my husband is killing a friend – I would say no – we don’t know them.” And he’s asking me “Is the person armed?” I say “I don’t know – I’m upstairs and I’m not going downstairs. If he’s armed – Paul is on his own, because I’m jumping out the fucking window.” The dispatcher tells me not to go downstairs, and I tell him there’s no fear of that happening.

He keeps asking me “What’s happening now?” And I keep saying the same thing – “my husband is killing him.” It’s odd that it never occurred to me that the guy might be beating Paul up rather than the other way around, but since the only one I could actually *understand* was Paul and Paul kept saying things like “Dude, you broke into the wrong fucking house”, I assumed that Paul was the one doing the killing – not the other way around.

Finally the police get here – the dispatcher says “The police are in front of your house” and I tell the dispatcher “I don’t know who’s going to be able to answer the door” – and the dispatcher says “They’ll go right in..” But the front door is locked. I hear them try to open the door, then bang and then they are trying to break the door in, and I run downstairs and unlock the door – and they burst in with guns drawn and Paul comes out of the dining room with this guy in a full nelson and the guy is bleeding like a stuck pig. Paul picks the guy up – literally, just picks him up by the hair and the pants and THROWS him onto the front porch and says to the cops “Get this motherfucker out of here before he gets hurt.”

One cop takes the guy and puts handcuffs on him. The other cop comes into the house with his flashlight on (there were no lights on at all downstairs) and he’s shining his flashlight all over and I flip the dining room light on and it looks like a fucking slaughterhouse in there – there’s blood EVERYWHERE. All over the floor, all over one wall, all over one dining room chair. The cop didn’t say a word, and we are asking HIM questions like “Who is this guy? Do you know him? What the fuck?”

We go out on the porch with the second cop and the first cop and the guy are gone – vanished. The cop shines his light around and here’s the first cop running down the driveway towards the Harley shed and he yells back at us “He ran!” So now the intruder is in handcuffs and running through our back lot. Paul takes off down the driveway after the cop yelling “Don’t let that fucker into my barn, man”. And the first cop goes around the Harley shed into the back lot. He comes back a few minutes later with the intruder. The cop on the porch with me is laughing saying “Why the hell would he run? He’s got handcuffs on and we know who he is”. I say “Well, can you let ME know who he is?” And the cop tells me his name. It’s not a name I recognize at all. And the cop does tell me he’s 17, a “known offender”, and “familiar to law enforcement.”

So then the cop tells us that we need to go to the police station to give statements – something I really want to be doing at 3 am, let me tell ya. The cop tells us that if we don’t go and give statements that they’ll have to let the guy go, and I really didn’t want to see that happen, so we get changed and go down to the station and give statements.

Of course, there really isn’t much to my statement – I never went downstairs during the whole thing – I didn’t go downstairs until the cops got there. So I can’t tell them much. I don’t know how he got in – I don’t know who he is and I don’t know what he was saying when he was saying shit in between the punching.

We were in different rooms, so I have no idea what Paul said in his statement.

When we got back home, Paul looked at the back door – and it was still locked, so all we can guess is he came in through a window somewhere – although it’s not readily apparent which window. Unless, of course, he locked the door again when he came in through it. I don’t know.

The cops charged him with criminal trespass, attempted burglary of a domicile and unlawful flight (which was the running down the driveway thing).

Funny parts:

When the cop found out Paul’s name he looks at Paul and says “Oh yeah, Paul…I didn’t recognize you without all the rubble on you.” He said he was one of the responding officers when the house fell on Paul.

When Paul was throwing the guy onto the porch the guy yells out “Dude, don’t throw me – I’m drunk!” Paul says “Yeah, well now you’re punch drunk, motherfucker”.

So, I still don’t know who this kid is, Paul is going to find out tomorrow – or today or whatever the hell today or tomorrow is. We know his name -and the way all these fucking Malonians are related, he’s got to be the kin of somebody that Paul knows.

I just want to know WHY the hell he came to OUR house when there’s a perfectly good empty house next door and another perfectly good empty house across the street. I mean, if he was just looking for a place to sleep his drunk off, why not go there? And if he wanted to rob somebody – why fucking me? What the fuck do I have worth robbing? The Harley shed has much more valuable shit in it, and it wasn’t even locked – why climb though a fucking window to steal shit I ain’t got?

Paul is thoroughly pissed. He says he’s lived in Detroit and Flint and Florida and never had anyone break into his damned house – and now he comes to backwater USA and has someone break in? What the fuck? I’m just glad this guy picked *this* weekend instead of LAST weekend when Paul couldn’t even fucking move. I would have been shit out of luck trying to deal with an intruder on my own. There’s no way I could have kicked his ass the way Paul did.

And now I have to go clean up all the fucking blood.

Why me????  Why?? Why does this stupid ass shit always happen to me??


34 Responses to “I Want A Dull Life – PLEASE”

  1. TourPro said


    Paul needs a 24/7 webcam attached to him for the viewing pleasure of the world. Again, lucky it turned out well? This is exactly the kind of situation which requires an armed homeowner.

  2. Amy said

    Paul is a fucking superhero! AWESOME!

    Glad you guys are ok.

  3. anygirl said

    well, this is not what I was hoping for in an update on your life…lol..but you are shaken and Paul, well, Paul is stirred and crushed and obviously up and about…all the while reading this I expected you to tell us Paul was down and out again…being that he IS still healing. Geesh, maybe the drunken 17 year old was hungry and your house looked good enough to…I just don’t know…my sister lives in a tiny, tiny town and they have stuff like this happen all of the time…a few young men made the news not too long ago for rustling cattle…imagine …they could have been refrigerator hunting in my sister’s house…but bad idea..cause my BIL has a lot of guns and will use them whenever someone is where they should not be…take care my friend…please take care..:)

  4. Mary Beth said

    Good Grief Kim!!! Why does this shit keep happening to you? It’s because you needed MORE Drama in your life, no? I’m glad you and Paul are all right.

    My husband and I had this kid try to break in to our house while we were inside. My husband hit the kid over the head with a beer bottle as he was climbing through a back window. Then the kid tried to break down our front door. Finally, the cops arrived while I was bear slamming the front door trying to keep him out. It took about 4 or 5 of them to get this kid down. He was on some kind of drugs & drunk, too. It was a very frightening experience to say the least. We later learned that the young robber died in a fire at his Father’s mobile home. His Dad was gone & didn’t know his Son was even there. He went in and found him under some rubble. A very sad story, indeed.

    Needless to say…I know how you feel.

    Mary Beth

  5. Gail said

    Hats off to Holly! She deserves a T-Bone today! Sure and one for Paul too!

    Paul must have nerves of steel, poor guy almost gets killed then is able to beat the crap out of the no good for nothing intruder!

    Hope you both are OK, take care. I know for a fact it isn’t easy to overcome someone invading your space. Been there. What are the cops going to do to the intruder?

  6. gaia said

    Well, it’s nice YOU have the drama ’cause my life is REALLY ordinary! Believe me, ordinary is OK, and I prefer it, but my son is a gun aficionado and has a few (including a SNIPER RIFLE! and he’s still in college. He’d have shot that guy for sure. He lives in a part of Knoxville, Tn. where there are lots of illegal problems, so he’s ready for anything. He wishes he could bring his gun on campus (concealed weapon handgun – new german model lol) ’cause he said that dude at WVU would never have killed all those students if he’d been there with his gun.

    Frankly, does Paul have a gun? If not, I see why he just tackled this guy, but he IS recovering and a drunk kid can do some serious harm! How brave and rediculous Paul is! Glad the guy (intruder) was just a drunk kid. He probably had the munchies and chose your house. Is your house the nicest one on the street? Bet it is. Does this guy live some distance from your residence? How weird to be at your house if he doesn’t live nearby.


  7. luvgabe said

    Good grief, I can’t believe this has happened to you & Paul, after all that you’ve been through. It defies the law of probability!

    But wait, wait! There is a silver lining: the news will now get out to all the petty criminal stoopids in Malone to stay away from Kim & Paul’s place.

    Paul is now a true dude & hero. And thank heavens for Holly, the Superdog!!!

  8. Caroline said

    WOW! I am sorry this happened to you, you have had a lot of bad luck lately, but in the end it all turned out OK, Paul and you and Holly are uninjured and you are offically on a first name basis with the entire police department of Malone. Stay safe!

    Now, so you won’t feel so “why me lord?”, I have had some horrific things happen to me lately that have left me feeling the same way. First, my beloved little dog Rusty got hit by a car right in front of my house by some stupid person using our little neighborhood street as a racetrack. He had just darted out for a second while I was fumbling with the leash. He died instantly, I am devastated. A few days later I go downstairs at 4am to use the bathroom and I find my mom, who I care for, lying on the floor in agonizing pain after falling and cracking her knee apart. Since then my days have been filled with EMT’s, hospitals, surgeons and rest homes. Then, last night I heard on the news that they have arrested some nurse’s aide for entering reahab facilities and stealing pain patches off of the patients! She had been in mom’s rehab facility frequently and I recognized her! She had been one of the few who actually came in and helped the patients….helped herself that is. Now isn’t that just fucked-up when you are reduced to stealing meds off of some sick old person? I don’t even have Rusty to comiserated with. I loved that dog better than 90% of the people I know.

  9. luvgabe said


    I’m so sorry about your loss of Rusty. I, and many many others, know from experience how devastating the loss of a beloved pet is.

    The only words of comfort I have to offer are that Rusty is now with God, for who deserves Heaven more than what St. Bonaventure once called the “creatures without sin”? You and Rusty *will* meet again on the Rainbow Bridge. Until then, try to live a joyous life because Rusty would have wanted it for you.

  10. Tess said

    I don’t even know what to say….Superman, aka Paul….You are awesome. I know the adrenaline had to be running high. Thank the good Lord that you were physically able to protect your family. Good thing Holly knew enough not to listen when she was yelled at…Kim, what can I say, you must have nerves of steel. I think you should be writing a book. There certainly is enough material. My life in small town America….

    Glad you are all ok. I hope that your life takes a turn for the dull and boring for a little while.


  11. Sprocket said

    What a great husband you have. Now he can add that to his business card, too! Sorry you have to clean up blood. Yuck! Hope your sewing projects were spared the spatter!

  12. Bahamamama said

    Word is out…..the way you have described Paul’s voracious appetite….the intruder heard that you have a better than well-stocked refrigerator. When you described first hearing the refrigerator door open and then close and then Paul yelling, I could just picture the intruder leaping from the confines of the refrigerator! LOL Poor Paul. This will probably put an end to any midnight snacking for awhile.

  13. HT said

    Caroline, so sorry about Rusty. I don’t know a greater pain, really.

    Kudos to Holly and Paul. Wow. Paul got pissed in a hurry. He, Who Sleeps With Fire In His Belly. That would have made a terrific video.


  14. Gail said

    Caroline, my thoughts and prayers are with you today, for you, your Mom and Rusty.

  15. Cathy said

    Kim, I swear you need to write a screenplay. Life is stranger than fiction.

    I am glad Super-Paul is okay and that he does take such good care of you when it really counts.

    Hopefully the little a-hole pleads guilty. I would hate for you to have to take the time to deal with his trial. Though your recaps would definitely be worth reading!

  16. groo said


    I think Paul deserves an extra box of Little Debbie Snack Cakes today.

    Wait….maybe that’s why the punk picked your house. He’s a Little Debbie junkie!

  17. your bro said

    christ sis, whats next? i know paul personally so i can safely say, that dude definetly must not have known that paul was there because theres no way he would have done that if he did. anyways, i was just wondering one other thing. is it true that when that house fell on paul that his shoes disappeared and his feet curled up and receded under the house like the witches did in wizard of oz? just curious. kidding, kidding. love ya, your bro!!!

  18. Sandy said

    Too much pot and got the muchies? I hope they caught him with some and he spends time for both the break in and drug possession. Actually, I hope the court in Malone is tough and has enough money to get those crazies off the street for a while.

    Thankfully Paul was up to messing with this guy. It could have turned out far worse for both of you.

    And as much as your colorful life continues to be an intriguing read, I really don’t want another thing to happen to you.

  19. Katprint said

    You have probably cleaned up all the blood already, but if you need help cleaning up the bloody crime scene or if there was something that you need to have professionally cleaned or that was destroyed then you might look up your jurisdiction’s “Victims Assistance” program and file a claim for your out-of-pocket expenses. Out here in California, I helped an innocent bystander who got his eight front teeth knocked out by a pool cue in a bar fight (in which he was not an active participant but merely happened to be standing in the backswing), get about $10,000 to pay for dental implants. It was easy, like filing a 1040EZ tax return.

    The Victim Assistance programs in most jurisdictions have big pots of money lying around waiting for victims to make claims. It’s different from a lawsuit because you don’t have to try to get money out of an indigent criminal or go after deep pockets who were not really at fault – you just have to show that you had this bad thing happen to you.

    Also, when the burglar is charged, you should make sure the District Attorney has your expense information so that he can ask the Judge to order restitution. I am not sure whether you will be reimbursed for your time, but since your time is valuable then you should put a value on it and include it as an item of expense – the worst thing that could happen is they will disallow it.

    What usually happens is: The court orders restitution of your out-of-pocket expenses, the indigent criminal fails to pay the court-ordered restitution, then the Victims Assistance program pays your claim but you agree to reimburse them if the criminal ever does pay his restitution.

    Also, home intrusions like yours can cause psychological harm. You may find yourself freaking out later – being afraid to be alone, waking up frightened every time the dog bumps against the wall, suffering anxiety attacks, etc. If this happens to you, psychological counseling really can help you recover faster and more thoroughly.

    May you NOT live in interesting times.

  20. skweekie said

    What kind of idiot would break into a house of a man who owns Harleys, and a Rottweiler, and has a wife who knows the law and is fierce in her own right?

    Kim you should have grabbed your knitting needles and made a pin cushion out of the creep.

  21. Val Dalton said

    Wow now I know for sure that Paul deserves that Superman Shirt!! Glad you guys are ok. The kid must read your blog and know you keep little debbie snack cakes in the house by the piles. His drunk ass was hungry!

  22. TwinMom said

    Holy cow! Will you be able to blog this one from the local courthouse when it comes to trial?! Maybe someone should call TruTv. They can pay for the transcript of the 911 call so we can hear it!

    Glad everyone safe. It is my daily “treat” to sign on and see you have written. It’s never dull!

  23. Randee said

    I’m glad nobody (but the moron who broke in) got hurt, and that Paul remains a kick-ass kicker-asser. You did the right thing.

    The reason this keeps happening to you, Kim, is that everyone wants to be a part of your exciting life!

  24. Mary Beth said


    I really hope Paul is doing okay. Could you just answer all your blog readers? It is now getting too scary. I hope you are doing, all right. Just let us know…one way or the other.

    Mary Beth

  25. OMFG!!!!!!!


    I would have passed out from fear.

    Glad to hear the only person hurt was the intruder. Did you atleast give Paul some nookie for saving your life??? lol

  26. luvgabe said


    How about a word or two on how Paul & you are doing? Your silence is beginning to be unnerving.

    Take care.

  27. Gail said

    “I Want A Dull Life – PLEASE”

    Kim, are you thinking the longer you ask for it, it will come true? 😉

    I hope you aren’t killing yourself with the Devan sweater. Please take your time and relax.

    We miss you!

  28. your bro said

    hey darwin readers! who else here would be interested in hearing my sis’s views on this whole Clark Rockefeller situation. come on sis, is this guy whacked or what?!?!? i know you have some sort of opinion.

  29. mclayton said

    Dear Bro of Kim, I think we would like to hear her opinions on any topic right now. Do you have any news of Kim and Paul—getting worried here. Please let us know if everything is ok.

  30. Bob E. said

    Ya know, people, Kim has wider horizons than just this blog…she is posting regularly and recently to her favorite Usenet group, in fact she has a post today that came in one minute later than Mclayton’s above. I bet she’s still participating in her knitting group(s) too. I think this blog is a more occasional effort than a lot of regular readers think (or wish), and I’m guessing that maintaining it is more niggling formatting work than just shooting off text messages to a newsgroup.

  31. Kim (Canada) said

    Well thanks for that Bob E.
    What’s the latest on this moron –
    Did Paul ever find out who he belonged to?
    Familiar to anyone?
    So this fellow’s charges – What do those entail for him? Fines, court appearances, what sort of consequences/punishments (and I laugh at that, only ’cause I can’t imagine it’s much or “heavy”)
    will this guy face?
    Guess any previous or “prior” similar charges would affect that –
    What a loser, really!
    Anyways, hope things are ok since then, and home’s starting to feel a little less “invaded”…

    Happy day to all –
    Fonzie :`)

  32. mclayton said

    Bob, I never intented to imply that Kim had an obligation to anyone here. I just want her to know we care.

  33. if you need help cleaning up the bloody crime scene or if there was something that you need to have professionally cleaned or that was destroyed then you might look up your jurisdiction’s “Victims Assistance” program and file a claim for your out-of-pocket expenses.

    Somebody owes me a new mop.


  34. I hope you aren’t killing yourself with the Devan sweater. Please take your time and relax.

    Your Devan sweater is KICKING MY ASS.

    I have the front done – I have half the back done. But this thing is taking FOR-EV-ER. It’s made with fingering weight yarn and number 2 needles, which is like knitting string with toothpicks.

    I work on this bitch for HOURS – only to measure and find I have a whole inch done. Woo Hoo.

    I will never make this thing again with fingering weight yarn, next time I’ll adapt the pattern to use sport weight.

    But I WILL finish this thing. Only so I can laugh at it and say “HA YOU FUCKER.”


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