The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Archive for June, 2008

More Stuff in the Mail

Posted by thedarwinexception on June 28, 2008

 

Yesterday I got a bunch of packages in the mail! I love packages in the mail! Especially when they are for me! One of my dear, dear friends who reads here sent me a Medic Alert bracelet!! Wasn’t that awesome?? Now if I pass out at Price Chopper I won’t have to worry about being accidentally killed if they take me to the clown hospital.

I have to tell you, these things have come a long way, haven’t they?? The bracelets I remember were a big red flat piece of metal with a chain bracelet. Not this one! Unless, of course, this is some high class bracelet. But it’s actually very pretty and at first glance you wouldn’t even know it was a medic alert bracelet. It’s really nice. And just in case, the bracelet also came with a dog tag style necklace that *is* a flat piece of red metal. So I am doubly protected.

So, I’m happy and I love the medic alert bracelet, and I have more peace of mind that I won’t be killed accidentally – because, you know, it’s somehow more comforting to know that if someone kills you, well, they actually *meant* to kill you. It sucks to be killed “by accident”. Seems a waste.

Of course when he saw mine, Paul had to say “Hey! I want a medic alert bracelet, too!” I asked him what the fuck he needed one for and he said “I want one that says ‘Allergic to sobriety – administer alcohol’.” He’s such a fucking comedian.

The other thing I got in the mail was a pair of LASER scissors. Now really, how cool is that?? Paul’s mom sent them to me and I think they are slick as shit. They have this laser beam that comes out the bottom of the scissors so when you are cutting, you can cut in a straight line. Of course, the laser line is only as straight as you keep the scissors, but I don’t care – they are AWESOME. Oh – and it helps that they are SHARP. Because even though I have 1400 pairs of scissors in this house there’s not a single pair that would actually like fucking CUT anything – the same thing with my knives. I don’t know what it is, but I think I live in some kind of black hole that makes any pair of scissors or any knife that comes in contact with me dull as shit. And I don’t even have the kind of can opener that has the knife sharpening thing on the back. What’s up with that? Don’t can openers come with that thing anymore? My mother’s can openers always had that thing on the back. We never actually used it, but it was there. I don’t have anything to sharpen scissors or knives with – and every knife and pair of scissors I own won’t actually cut anything. Except now, of course, for the kick ass laser scissors – which will probably be dull in a week.

One of these days I’m going to bump into Lorena Bobbitt and I’m going to ask her one question – not “So, why did you cut your husband’s dick off, Lorena?” or “Were you surprised the jury nullified your actions and let you skate, Lorena?” or even “Would you do it again, Lorena?” No, I’m going to ask her “What the fuck kind of knives do you buy, Lorena, and where do I get me some?” Because there isn’t a knife in this house that would cut an apple in half, let alone cut off a body part.

On another note, I opened an Etsy Shop. If you want to buy a needle roll, go there. I’m going to put them all there until I give them away. The ones I have finished and on hand will be there and you can buy them. As I find friends and readers here who want them, I’ll take them down from the Etsy shop. So, if you see one there that you’d like email me or tell me in comments.

Now I’m working on a round one for circulars. I’m kind of adapting the pattern from a round CD case. So far it’s coming along – but I’ve been feeling so lousy I haven’t really worked on it a lot. Maybe tomorrow.

Well, off to knit – the fair is fast approaching, you know.

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