The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Proms and Baby Showers

Posted by thedarwinexception on May 16, 2008

 

So this week I finished a bunch of stuff. I finally finished the baby sweater for Katie’s baby – and I finished the prom dress (thank God). The people across the street finished cleaning out the house – and I was going to call the fucking Ripley’s Believe it or Not people to come over here and snap some pictures – because before my old lady friend even had her memorial service on Sunday her family had the real estate agent guy here hammering in the “For Sale” sign and snapping pictures for the “FreeTrader”.

Wednesday I was talking to another one of the neighbors and she said “Hey – what happened to the curtains that were in the front window of that house? You know I gave those to the old lady last winter because she said she needed some heavy curtains for her front window – I was supposed to get those back!” I told her “Well, I’m sure your curtains went in the back of someone’s truck like the rest of the crap in that house – and I wouldn’t try to get it back if I were you – someone’s liable to throw a fucking box at you – those people are serious about the shit in that house.”

And no, no sign of the zombie lady. Too bad – I miss her. And I’m glad we have her ON TAPE saying she would be back in March – so you know I’m not making this shit up – that’s what she said – you heard it from her own mouth – she planned on being back in March. I’m thinking she reconciled with her son and he talked some sense into her and told her she needn’t come back here to fucking crazy town to live with no electricity or water. And I mean, really, who would? If you have the privilege of living in New York fucking City – land of local yarn stores on every corner and bookstores and movie theaters and Broadway and a FASHION DISTRICT with REAL fabric stores – well, why would you CHOOSE to come to Malone New York – where the biggest shopping decision you have to make is whether you want to go to Dollar Tree or Dollar General? Send my ass to NYC – see how many of you it takes to drag me back here.

But, it was a productive week around here – when I wasn’t peering out the windows at the neighbors. I did finally finish the baby boy sweater for Katie’s baby – and not a moment too soon, since her baby shower is at the beginning of June. I actually got an invitation! Although I will probably go and then leave very quickly – I’ll drop off the presents, see if there is any good food, eat, and then go home. I’m not into the whole “let’s play fucked up party games” atmosphere of a baby shower. And I find it odd that when her dad dropped off the invitation he made a point to mention that “It’s at the Moose Club – and the bar *will* be open.” Because you know, the only thing worse than playing fucked up party games is playing fucked up party games with a bunch of drunk women – including the mother to be. Yeah – here’s your sweater – see ya.

 

And, I did finally finish the prom dress. Oh Good God. You know, between New Year’s, when I agreed to make this stupid fucking prom dress, and now, when I actually made the stupid fucking prom dress, this kid has gained like 40 pounds – all in her stomach. The bitch looks 6 months pregnant – I shit you not. And it’s not just me – even Malone Leslie came over here and said to the kid “Hey – are you pregnant?” She LOOKS pregnant. Now, I have no problem with her being pregnant – well, ok, I do, but…..But the thing is, don’t have a 6 month pregnant stomach and ask me to make you a fucking dress that would look better on one of the anorexic Olsen twins. Ya know what I mean?? If she had *said* “Hey, I need something “drapey””, well, I would have MADE something drapey. But NO, here *I* am making this fucking corset thing complete with boning to make someone who looks 6 months pregnant look like something *other* than a stuffed fucking sausage in a  prom dress.

And the best part is when she keeps asking me “Can you make my thighs look smaller?” I told her “Look, sweetheart, this is a fucking sewing machine, not a fucking liposuction machine.” Then she has the nerve to say to me “Do you think it makes me look fat? ” Ummmmm…..No, your pregnant ass STOMACH makes you look fat – don’t blame the dress, baby.

And more evidence that she’s pregnant? I take her measurements at the beginning of the process – before I even make the pattern pieces – and I write down her bust, hips and thigh measurements. *TWO WEEKS* later – her waist measurement has gone up FOUR INCHES!! FOUR INCHES!! IN TWO WEEKS? I had to buy more fucking fabric because there was no damned way the dress was going to fit around her without an extra damned strip sewn in. Fuck.

The dress looks really lovely – on the hanger. With her in it? Not so much. Even with my little “slimming” illusion tricks like the cascading riffle down the front to offset her protruding stomach and the sash that lays on her hips.

But here’s the dress – bad pictures, I know, but I just wanted her *and* the dress out of my face. She’s going to come down Saturday after she gets her shoes and let me take pictures of her in the dress. I don’t know if I will. I’m over her and her prom dress.

So now I am starting on other things – I’m making some baby quilts for all the babies due in the Fall, and I’ve started another baby boy sweater – and I got two sweaters in the mail from one of you that I am going to frog today – one is Mohair!! YEAH!!! I’ll post pictures of the sweaters before and after frogging as soon as I get them done.

Have a great weekend!!

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18 Responses to “Proms and Baby Showers”

  1. Val Dalton said

    Great dress Kim! I can’t believe she thought you could make her look skinnier lol She’s pregnant haha. Wow gotta love teens.

  2. Gail theotherone said

    Darling sweater Kim!

    Prom dress sure appears to have been a lot of work. Lovely dress and fabric! Good job Kim! From what I have noticed in prom dresses around here, they look more appropriate for ladies of the night!

    What a shame if she is pregnant-for real? Did she admit she is pregnant? Maybe this will be her wedding dress too!

    If the lady next door doesn’t return, who will clean out her house? I hate calling her Zlady, seems so demeaning to the poor soul. I pray she is doing well.

    Bye, have a good one everyone! 🙂

  3. mclayton said

    Hi Kim, I have not written in a long time. I love reading your blog, but lately I have been in lots of pain all over from all kinds of problems, so I have not responded to anything. However, I have a question I hope you (or one of your loyal fans) can help me with. I want to cover a roller shade with material–is this a hard project? I have searched online, but don’t understand some of the directions. One mentioned a “roller kit”. Is this something different than a regular roller shade? If anyone can help me I would really appreciate it. Thanks for keeping your blog going, and thanks for any help with my intended project.

  4. Caroline said

    Great dress, you did a beautiful job. Now, I think you are on to something with these maternity prom dresses, although you will have to make them look more slutty. That seems to be the trend. Did you see the high school girl in Texas that was kicked out of her prom? Her dress was “custom designed” by her and consisted of a long sash that barely covered her breasts and wrapped around her butt, and OF COURSE she wasn’t wearing panties. Nothing says demure and ladylike like flashing the cootchie to everyone. They had to call to police to escort her out of the hotel. Next year she will need one of those maternity prom dresses!

  5. AynBoleyn said

    Nice dress and a beautiful job done by you…my heart goes out to this girl though…sad really…she is a baby having a baby..so innocent sounding but in trouble beyond her own comprehension.

  6. Carol in Wilmington, NC said

    You sound great Kim!

    I found the answer to the pregnant prom dress. You’ll just need to make a little adjustment! http://www.talkpromdress.com/prom-picture/pregnant-ghetto-prom-dress

    Hugs,
    CC

  7. Sandy said

    It is so good to hear from you and know all the projects are still in full force. Sweater is wonderful. Still cannot fathom how you do so much, so quickly.

    I can’t believe this little girl is pregnant. Think it is just
    Malone? Or a problem all over the US? Sad commentary for the future of little ones.

    Would loved to have been a fly on the wall when you were dealing with the prom dress. You have been let down so many times going beyond for others. Tis’ rotten of her to take advantage. Which is what she did, had to know beforehand.

    I miss knowing about ZL too and hope she is safe, in comfort with her thoughts and has friends/family. I have thought that she would have written to you at some point if all was well though. Wonder what will happen to the house is she never returns.

  8. Missy said

    Mclayton, you can find plain white fabric (vs. vinyl) roller shades even at places like Wal-Mart. If you don’t want to sew, I think it would work to use the fabric of your choice and some Heat ‘n Bond Ultra fusible adhesive to attach it to the shade.

    You can get the H ‘n B on a roll. One side’s textured with an adhesive and the other slick paper — you’d lay the adhesive side on the back of your fabric and iron the paper side to adhere it, then peel the paper backing off, place fabric right-side up on shade and iron fabric so that the adhesive on the back of it then sticks to the shade.

    Try the Heat ‘n Bond website — seems like I saw something like that there a while back. Of course, if the shade itself is fabric, you could probably very easily just sew the fabric right onto it. You can sew on vinyl, too, but it’s a little tricky. I use excess pattern tissue paper I’ve stockpiled and slip it under the vinyl to keep it moving smoothly as I sew.

    Just a couple of ideas…bet Kim will know an even better way to do it. Let us know how it goes — sounds like a fun project! Have fun! 🙂

    Missy

  9. Missy said

    Kim…the sweater is adorable and the dress is gorgeous! My lord, woman, you are so talented! I’m curious — how did you learn to knit and sew?

    Just in case that poor girl reads your blog and turns anorexic and drops three sizes (or drops a baby) before prom, may I suggest the book “Fit For Real People” by Pati Palmer. That and the companion book “Pants For Real People” are the best fitting books — solutions for every figure variation, even the Malone Prom-Mom Midriff (just take the slash mark outta the common 5/8″ seam allowance — you can do a lot of letting out with 4+ ft. of seams).

    Sandra Betzina’s “Fast Fit” and the entire series of “Easy Guide To Sewing ___” (Pants/Jackets/Shirts, etc.) are really good, too. Not that you’d likely need them — and you’ve probably read them anyway — but they’re all great references. I turn to them again and again.

    I’m worried about ZL. I hope her son is not the type who would put her away either because he doesn’t wanna deal with her or because he wants whatever money/things she might have. As we’ve seen, doesn’t take much to bring out the vultures, does it? I wish she’d at least send you a postcard or something so that we know she’s okay.

    Hope that amidst all these lovely projects you’re turning out, you’re doing what you should to take care of yourself. You better be — we need you, kiddo!

  10. Hank said

    Didn’t I tell you way back that you needed to make it a maternity prom dress? Your descriptions of Malone have made me even more cynical than you!

  11. your bro said

    nice stuff you’ve been making, but how come you don’t do yourcri tv show and other entertainment news critiques (spelling?). thats were your funny is. more stupid stuff and opinion on weird things sis. thats what i come here for anyways. love ya!

  12. luvgabe said

    That sweater is just gorgeous. Lucky baby! As for the prom dress, you deserve a special award, Kim, for your patience & tolerance with the ever-growing-midriff-gal. I’d have told her to get lost a long time ago.

    Someone posted a while back that she has the phone number of son of Zombie Lady. Will someone *please* call him about ZL? Missy’s thought that he might have institutionalized her has me seriously concerned. Kim, you have every legitimate reason to make that call because ZL had told you she’d be back in March.

  13. Val Dalton said

    I dont have ZL’s son’s phone number but i do have his mailing address…

  14. Dana said

    The dress is lovely, but I’m afraid shiny fabric is *NOT* slimming.

    Oh, well. Not your fault.

  15. luvgabe said

    Dear Val:

    If you have ZL’s son’s address, there should be a way for you to obtain his phone number as well. Have you tried Zaba people search? Go to: http://www.zabasearch.com/
    and type his name & state.

    Good luck!

  16. mclayton said

    Missy,
    Thank you so very much for your help with the shade project–your instructions were very easy to follow. They turned out just fine!!

    Kim,
    How is your health situation? I think of you each day and say a little prayer that you are having a good day. Please take good care of yourself, you have many loyal fans out here in cyberland who care about you and your family.

  17. Val left this comment – I am editing it to kind of protect the guys name – I don’t want him to google and find it – but I did want to leave the name for anyone else who might want to write him.

    Val Dalton
    curlyval@yahoo.com | 68.236.152.10

    There are no listings found for him on that website or on whitepages.com. His name is David – last name (Bee eye en ess h tea oh kay) from Long Island City… can’t seem to find his phone number anywhere. I got his address off her mail when Kim, Janice and I went to check on her place last winter. I suppose someone could write him a letter…

    Although Kim you might like the neighborhood now its all quiet since all your neighbors are gone?

  18. Missy said

    Hey, Kim….

    Would you feel comfortable writing him a brief snail mail just to say that since she told you she’d be back and hasn’t returned, you wanted to see if she was okay and to say hello to her? Would it be a good thing for any of us to write since we’ve never met her — they might think we’re kooks stalking her or something? Nevermind that we ARE, that’s beside the point…LOL

    MClayton — I’m so glad the shades turned out well! I’m gonna try it, too. I have two bolts of fabric I’ve been trying to decide how to divvy up for atrium door drapes and window valances in our bedroom. Would love to do an easy coordinating shade under the valances without having to sew from scratch. Thanks for the inspiration — maybe I’ll finally get off my butt and get mine done! 😉

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