The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Barn Squatters

Posted by thedarwinexception on April 11, 2008

So I had the weirdest thing happen yesterday. I was convinced that I had barn squatters – and I’m still *not* convinced that I don’t.

But – let’s start at the beginning so you all can weigh in with your own opinions with all the facts.

So – my husband is a fucking idiot – we all know that, right? Paul likes people to like him. It’s important to him. He’d no sooner make someone mad at him than kill his own mother. Paul is a “people pleaser”. (Hey -they say opposites attract – there’s your proof.) Paul likes to “tell em what they wanna hear” – especially if it will make him look generous, nice and charming. That’s how he got so many women in bed when he was single. He can make a woman believe she’s the most important person in the world, and he is *really* good at finding “vulnerabilities”. If he knows that some single woman has 9 kids – he’ll play the “kid card” and tell her how “all I want to do in the world is have a bunch of kids and play with them and spoil them” – and that’s even if he *hates* kids. But if that’s what the woman wants to hear, and that’s what gets her pants off – he’s saying it.

I still marvel at the fact that he knows all the tellers in our bank by name – he knows all about their families and Paul is the only customer they have that when he walks in the door they all rush to remove their “Next Teller Please” signs and yell across the lobby “I’ll Help You Paul!!!” They don’t do that shit for me when *I* walk in the bank.

So – a while back Paul had one of his drunk friends over for the evening. And the drunk guy’s girlfriend. The conversation quickly turned to the Harley Barn and how when Paul got it “fixed up” how this drunk guy and his girlfriend were going to move in. You could tell that this was not the first time this particular drunk guy and Paul had had this conversation. I think the drunk guy was under the impression it was a done deal.

I wasn’t really paying a lot of attention, because I *know* Paul, and I know the things he tells people to make himself look like their best friend in the whole wide world, and I also knew that there was no way in fucking hell Paul had any intentions of letting this drunk guy and his girlfriend move into the Harley Barn.

But see – sometimes being the nice guy and promising people things and telling people things can come back and bite you in the ass. Paul should know this by now. He had this guy in Florida that he kept telling “Oh yeah, I’ll sell you my car!” when he had no intentions of selling the car and was working on “restoring” it because it was some highly desirable “muscle car” when fixed up. But I got really tired of hearing him tell people that he would sell them this car – so one day I got in the fucking car and moved it out into our back field where he couldn’t see it and when he came home and saw it was gone, I told him “Oh – Tom came by with cash and said that you told him when he got the money he could buy it – so I sold it to him.” I swear to God Paul was sobbing like a little girl before I finally told him “It’s in the back field asshole – now stop telling people shit you have no intentions of doing – I’m sick of hearing it.”

That actually stopped him for a while – at least it stopped him telling people bullshit in front of me.

So, he’s telling the drunk guy and his girlfriend that they can move in the Harley barn. But that was a while ago, and I haven’t seen drunk and girlfriend for a while.

Until this week – now drunk guy is coming over here every day at the crack of dawn and he and Paul are out in the barn doing God knows what. And they are cleaning up the yard and drunk’s girlfriend is coming here in the afternoon every day and just hanging out. (Not in the house – never in my house – she stays out back.)

And then yesterday it’s early and I see a little dog running around in the street and I’m worried about the dog being loose and getting hit by a car or something so I go outside to see if it has a collar on and see if I can catch it and I look down the driveway and drunk guy and drunk guy’s girlfriend come walking out of the Harley Barn! Startled the fuck out of me! Paul came out of the house after me when I yelled upstairs “Hey! Look at the dog!” And I turn to look at Paul’s reaction to someone coming out of the Harley Barn and since he isn’t even seeming to register a response I say to him “What the fuck are they doing in the barn?” Paul says “I don’t know – I’ll go find out”. I go back in the house so I can go upstairs and spy on them out of the bedroom window and the next thing I know drunk guy and Paul are cleaning up the yard with the wheelbarrow and drunk girlfriend is pulling up a lawn chair to watch them.

Well that’s fucking fishy, right???

So I do what I always do – I call Leslie the Chamber of Commerce Lady to see what *she* thinks – and she agrees with me – something’s going on.

*I* think that Paul got bit in the ass again with his stupid fucking “nice guy” routine and they actually cornered him and they *are* staying in the Harley barn. Right??  Leslie asks me if there is electricity and water and shit out there – and I tell her the truth – I honestly don’t know. I haven’t been in that barn since New Jersey Leslie was here 2 years ago. I know that it has a kitchen and a bathroom – I don’t know if it has electricity or water. I know the bathroom in the Harley Barn is bigger than my bathroom in the house – but that’s all I know about it.

Leslie says I need to just go out there when Paul isn’t home and see what’s up. See just how much of a “liveable place” it is, and check and see if it looks like there are people staying there. Which I plan on doing.

In the meantime – I ask Paul point blank when he *does* come back in the house – and I’m still on the phone with Leslie – “What’s up? Are they living here?” He says “No – swear to God on Milo’s life – he has not stayed here one night.” So I ask him “What was he doing in the barn? How come he came out of the barn and not like walking down the street?” Paul says he came down the street – I just didn’t see him. And that he went in the barn to turn on the music because “I guess he’s having a party or something”. Which was an odd thing to say, but also indicates that there is electricity in there, because the stereo set up Paul has plugs in – it’s not a battery operated stereo.

Now – Paul would never lie to me – he’s honest to a fault. Sometimes when I *wish* he would lie, he’ll tell the truth anyway. I’m not sure if he’s too stupid to lie, or just that he’s inherently honest, but he never lies. I believe him when he says the guy hasn’t slept here one night – but I also think there’s more to the story that he’s not telling me. And although Paul is honest, he will “leave out” things I don’t ask. He won’t volunteer information that will get him in trouble – he wouldn’t say “Oh, he hasn’t slept here one night – BUT – you know that thing I do with bullshitting people? Yeah, that came back and bit me in the ass because he gave his landlord notice and he’s planning on moving in on the first of May, so we are out there cleaning the place up and getting it ready.” He would never do that.

Something is going on.

I just know it.

What do you think? Something going on? Or am I overreacting?





24 Responses to “Barn Squatters”

  1. Kay said

    Sounds like something is going on….are you certain that these people are not related to the Zombie Lady? Sounds like some of your husband’s kind thoughts that he expressed to this couple have been taken as literal and to the heart by them. Your husband is too kind and this couple sound like opportunists or by another name moochers. Good luck with this new development in your life Kim.

    Kay in California

  2. Florida Fan said

    They are living in the Harley Barn.

  3. PatAZ said

    Something is definitely going on!

  4. HT said

    Paul is telling the truth. They haven’t slept there one night. They slept there two nights.


  5. tess said

    Ditto with Florida Fan. they are living in the barn. No one just visits someone’s backyard at the crack of dawn to turn on the stereo. They are your guests. They also know this wouldn’t be pleasing to you.
    Welcome back by the way. We did miss you. Any word, letter, sign from ZL?

  6. Windsmiles said

    Of course they haven’t slept there one night, they stay up all night and sleep during the day!
    or…the haven’t slept there one night, they’ve slept there many nights.
    You definately have squatters.

  7. Kathy said

    They have not lived in the Harley Barn…. YET!!!!

  8. barb said

    A little video of the squatters sure would entertain us out here in computer land. Thanks!

  9. Cathy said

    Your instincts are right Kim. You have unwanted “tenants.”

    Paul sounds a lot like my father was—a pleaser. He’d do anything for anyone, as long as you weren’t his biological kid. Then he’d do anything for everyone BUT his bio kids. I know my dad provided housing to hard-luck stories, especially if said hard-luck stories belong to his second wife’s family. Not suggestion Paul is 100 percent like my dad, but pleasers do prefer to please people who will make a huge fuss over them IMO

    What does Chamber of Commerce lady know about the consequences of these people living on your property? Can she “off the record” ask a building inspector or someone of that ilk what could happen to a homeowner if someone is living/squatting in substandard housing?

    In the meantime, lock up your valuables.

  10. Sprocket said

    I think it’s time Kim, you but a lock on the outside of the barn and don’t give Paul a key. He has to ask permission to get in there and visit the squatters.

  11. Sandy said

    Yup, you have squatters. Or Paul has squatters. Although I can’t imagine he would give up his Harley Barn to do this. And another dog?

    There are code enforcements for rentals on a property…and taxes. Download a rental form from Malone’s village website. Give it to Paul, make him sign it. Put your own monthly rent on it and make them responsible for paying water/electricity/garbage. Nail it on the Harley Barn if he won’t do it. You’ll never get them out once there in. Where did these people come from?

    And, right now you do not need this. I’m seeing visions of their coming for food, beer, invading your privacy and schedule. I’d rather know that ZL was living in the Harley Barn under wraps. Where is ZL?

  12. luvgabe said

    Yup, Kim, you have squatters. You might want to check with the local govt about violations of building/living codes, AND squatters’ “rights.” You’ve got trouble!

  13. Kim (Canada) said

    Kim –
    There IS hydro power to that barn!
    Remember, he was going to run an extension cord to ZL’s to provide her with electricity to power up some of her space heaters…
    I had squatters once living in one of my old abandoned (condemned)barns…
    Not a pretty thing, but I gotta tell you, they were ingenius with the set-up they had going…Scary shit!
    I’d be movin’em on out of there like STAT!

    Good luck –
    Fonzie :`)

  14. Betty said

    Definition: Squatting is the act of occupying an abandoned or unoccupied space or building that the squatter does not own, rent, or otherwise have permission to use.

    So, legally, it appears to me that they have Paul’s *permission* to live in part of the barn, rent-free at this point. I suppose they would be considered ‘guests’. The situation would only worsen by requiring them to pay rent (or work in lieu of rent) because then they would have the *right* to stay there.

    Whatever the case might turn out to be it would be wise to determine YOUR legal responsibility if they injure themselves on any part of your property – but specifically the barn, of course.
    Maybe you will be horrified with the response.

    You might be in for a heck of a mess. I suggest you nip this in the bud now — right now.

  15. Missy said

    Kim, Betty just gave you excellent advice — I implore you to heed it! Maybe you can tell Paul you know he has a big heart and might not want to disappoint someone he’s sorta, kinda, maybe promised something to, but that you guys first need to check out what your responsibilities and liabilities might be before allowing his buddy to stay in the barn, even as a freeloa–errr–invited guest.

    One thing Betty said that especially bears repeating: Do NOT accept even one penny from these folks before you have a chance to learn what you might be getting yourselves into. There are all sorts of codes you might need to comply with, as well as a big ol’ stinkpot of potential legal liabilities. Be careful!

    By the way, this drunk guy — is he the same winner who was a “house guest” for ever so long before you could get Paul to get rid of him? I’m talking about the one who could barely breathe and sat around smoking and drinking beer all day. Same dude?

    Where does he get these folks? And why the hell would someone show up at YOUR property to have a party without y’all having been consulted first? That’s all you need — the whole crew hears that Kim & Paul are cool and you can hang out and party at their barn anytime you want. Stereo and bathroom provided, just bring your own beer. Then someone gets hurt (you know how drunks like to juggle chainsaws and abuse other dangerous barn tools), and guess who’s left holding the bag. It could (and does) happen, so y’all be very careful about even allowing them to use your property for parties.

    I say kick them out and give the barn to the little doggie who was running loose in the street! 😀 What happened with him, anyway — were you able to catch him and/or find his owner?

    What you need to calm your nerves is a big, fat, juicy, red-ripe homegrown tomato sandwich with lots of mayo, girlfriend. (And I still want to send that Duke’s Mayo to you before tomatoes start coming in — just tell me where to send — you’ll LOVE it with your ‘mater sammiches, guaranteed!)

    Tomato Garden Squatter

  16. Gail theotherone said

    “What do you think? Something going on? Or am I overreacting?”

    Sounds real fishy!


    Hell No!

    Mosey out there and point blank ask the couple what they are doing there, specifically ask them if they are living there. If so, ask who gave them permission to live there. Might fill in the ‘Paul blanks’.

    Good Luck Kim!

  17. Caroline said

    I vote with Missy and Betty, “Kimmer” you’ve gotta major problem on your hands.

    I think I would just innocently “tell’ Paul you suspect his retrobate “friends” are setting up house, uninvited in your barn and that you are going to ask the local sheriff to come on down and take a look around. Chances are once the “man” arrives, they will take a powder because I would bet dollars to donuts, there are warrents out for one or both of them. Once they get settled in, it will take a lot lf time, money and legal fees to get these sorry assholes out of your life, not to mention your barn! That’s if you even have a barn left after one of them goes to sleep with a lighted cig, or god forbid, decides to cook up some meth and contaminates your entire property, causing the county to take possesion, since drug dealing was occuring on it.

    That’s what they do out here in Oregon, somebody deals out of your house, opps! it now belongs to the county even if it was your roomate and you were not even aware of it.

    Sounds scary, huh? It happened to a sweet little old lady a few streets away from me. She allowed her scum-of-the-earth grandson to move in while he was “attending” college, and he was dealing HEROIN out of her basement!! Next thing you know she is in the street and plywood is being nailed up over her windows.

    I’d be calling the sheriff.

  18. Lesmond said

    So, now I’m “New Jersey Leslie”? Heh.

    Anyway, I’m wondering if Paul ever fixed those stairs. If not, you really might have to worry about liability if he gave them permission to be in there when he’s not around.

    Perhaps they’re just tending the plants and skulls?

    I’m guessing they’re not living there, (I’m taking Paul at his word, which has always been good as far as I can tell), but perhaps enjoying some residential privileges. But. you know, you can find out pretty fast.

    If you want to wait until the end of June, I’ll check for you.

    Or, you can ask the other Leslie to do it for you?

  19. Jay said

    It sure sounds like they are living in the barn. I used to be a drunk, and if I were still in their situation I’d be living there too. God knows, I’ve done it before; a friend of mine just south of Lake Ontario had a shed next to his barn that he fixed up with a cot and wood stove. I moved in there one night while they were asleep and stayed there for the better part of a week (hey, it was wintertime – snow and ice everywhere).

    Confront them. It’s the only way.

  20. Val Dalton said

    haha you sure have some uninvited guest. Well uninvited by you not Paul!

    I’d start charging them rent if they are sucking power from your house. Geez its bad enough you had to put up with rainman now you’ve got 2 of them!

  21. Niner said

    Hey Kim – okay I will – BUT!! I need your address on ‘where’ to send these! Can you send me an email to the email address I have put on your “Leave a Reply” to?? Then I can let you know ‘how much’ shipping is – okay??!!

  22. PJB(UK) said

    They’re living in the barn.

    You need a removal tool: I recommend a skunk; it’s less permanent than setting fire to the barn.

    Huh? This is the first comment I’ve posted here in ages!

  23. PJB(UK) said

    Er… that last sentence was in response to, which told me “You are posting comments too quickly. Slow down” when I first hit the ‘submit comment’ button.

  24. Kim (Canada) said

    Is this where it ends?

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