The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Paul Cooks and Makes a Phone Call

Posted by thedarwinexception on February 3, 2008

So I didn’t tell you my Paul story about when I was in the hospital.

I had told him when I got admitted – “Ok, call my mother and call my friend Lesmond – let them both know that I’m in the hospital, and I’ll call them in a few days.” I knew that those were probably the only two people who would call me and get freaked out if they didn’t get anyone answering the phone all day – they both know I’m a hermit, and if I don’t answer after an hour or so of trying, something’s wrong. And Lesmond posts in AFCA, so if anyone there was trying to contact me, or noticed my absence, she would be able to let them know where I was at. 

So he calls my mother and lets her know, and then he calls Lesmond. Since she was at Boy Scouts, she was just walking in the door as he was leaving the message – and he said  “Lesmond, it’s Paul – It’s an EMERGENCY – Call me.”

Which was fucking stupid – I mean, it wasn’t an EMERGENCY and the message saying it was only served to freak Lesmond the fuck out.

When I got home from the hospital I told him “You know, Paul, you really shouldn’t leave messages saying something is an EMERGENCY when it isn’t – you could have handled that better. It wasn’t an emergency.” Of course, he took issue with that – since to *him*, it was an emergency, so therefore he thinks that it should be an emergency to *everyone*. Which it wasn’t – and a simple “Hey, Lesmond, Kim is in the hospital, give me a call” would have served the purpose.

So don’t ever give your phone number to Paul – unless you want him calling you every time I feel bad telling you to “Call Me Back Right Away – It’s An EMERGENCY!”

And of course now he’s plotting to call Lesmond every day with a new “emergency” – “Lesmond – It’s Paul – Call Me Back – it’s an emergency – I’m
out of Pop Tarts.”

Then we had Paul’s cooking adventure while I was in the hospital. He turned on the wrong burner on the stove and didn’t realize it until my burner cover
caught on fire. When he saw the burner cover on fire he grabbed the pot holder off the wall hook and started fanning the flames with it until the potholder caught on fire. He finally picked up the potholder and the burner cover (which were both on fire) with the decorative towel that hangs on the stove handle and threw the whole pile into the sink – where he melted the rubber sink strainer that sits on the bottom of the sink.

Of course, he broke this news to me by calling me at the hospital asking “Do you have anything that will take melted plastic off of stainless steel? Oh – and by the way – where did you get those burner covers at that are on the stove?”

So, Paul is still Paul.



8 Responses to “Paul Cooks and Makes a Phone Call”

  1. Gail said


    Thanks for the hilarious “Paul story”! I couldn’t quit laughing!

    I really think it was SO sweet that Paul thought your being in the hospital was an emergency but I can understand Lesmond’s viewpoint, too.

    Take good care girl; Paul needs you!

  2. Val Dalton said


    Next time anything happens and you are out of the house let me know. I will bring Paul over food so he doesn’t have to destroy your poor kitchen.

  3. tess said

    At least it stopped with the sink…it could have been worse. Then he could have called YOU at the hospital with an emergency. Bless his little pea pickin heart. He really is a good guy.
    Hope you are feeling better each day. We (as a reading group) love you and so enjoy all of your blog entries.
    As an aside, have you heard anything about the next Spector Spectacular or is this in the usual limbo state?

  4. Kathy said

    I caught my Dad’s kitchen on fire by forgetting to remove those silly burner covers. Its a trauma, I’ll never forget. Poor Paul. : )
    Hope you are feeling better.

  5. greg said

    After lighting two items, he tossed the pair into/onto metal. And the sink has water! (after a long time without). Once you have flames, anything that ends with asking how to peel plastic off of stainless is a “win”.

    Standard rule for kitchens to teach incompetent hubbies (or whoever) is baking soda. The worse you are at managing a kitchen, the more likely you are to have a box or two in the fridge/freezer. And the more likely you are to need it at the stove. If you heat baking soda, you get carbon dioxide — heavier than air and smothers the oxygen out of the way. And baking soda won’t spatter burning grease anywhere.

    A real fire extinguisher is better than a box of Arm and Hammer, but it’s probably lost and forgotten, buried behind cleaning stuff under the sink. The baking soda is something you see every day on the fridge door where it’s soaking up the stink from the forgotten “biology experiment” on the bottom shelf.

  6. Sandy said

    Love your Paul stories. This one was a tough “cover up”. I’m thinking there is a bunch he’s never told about that would fill a tome of writing. Raised boys and still getting 30 year old stories this mom never knew about. Amazes me how they get through life without us.

    Also enjoy your friends adding to the blog.

    Back to emergencies. What is happening with your doctor visits and how are you doing?

  7. Lesmond said

    Oh, and then the hell he gave me on the phone later. I love Paul.

  8. Dana said

    Tell Paul that if he doesn’t stop manufacturing emergencies, *I* can manufacture another emergency. Does he really want the SWAT team coming by again?

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