The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Beware the Spores

Posted by thedarwinexception on January 8, 2008

Someone needs to do me a favor. They need to come over here and explain to my husband that it is NOT necessary to throw everything out when you clean out the fridge.

See, Paul has this belief, and it’s a very strong, very deeply held belief, that if the milk goes sour in the fridge, that it is extremely important that you IMMEDIATELY clean out the fridge and throw every fucking thing in the fridge away before everyone within a five mile radius gets sick and dies.

I came home from grocery shopping today to find that Paul had, again, cleaned out the fridge. And now, I need to go grocery shopping again because he threw away the mayonnaise, he threw away the ketchup, he threw away my apple jelly and he threw away the eggs. Why? Because the milk in the fridge was spoiled.

And does it matter that the mayonnaise is in a fucking GLASS jar?? No, that doesn’t matter at all. It still had to be thrown away. Does it matter that the eggs were in fucking SHELLS – shells that I don ‘t fucking EAT ANYWAY?? No, that doesn’t fucking matter. They need to be thrown away, because they were in the same refrigerator that the spoiled milk was in.

When I screamed at him for throwing away the butter, the mayo, the jelly, the eggs and everything else in the god damned fridge, he explained to me that when you have spoiled milk, you have SPORES. And these SPORES “FLY AROUND” and land on the mayonnaise jar – then, when you open up the mayonnaise jar, the spores (which had been hanging around waiting for just such an opportunity, I guess), then fall into the mayonnaise – and VOILA. You are dead of any of a number of nasty spore diseases.

I told him that this was all extremely “interesting” – but that I am just as dangerous as any fucking spore he’ll ever find in the mayonnaise jar, and that I could kill him just as fucking quickly – especially since he threw away my apple fucking jelly.

I hate men. Especially stupid ones who think spores fly around the fridge from capped containers of milk to capped glass jars of apple jelly. Fucking fools.

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26 Responses to “Beware the Spores”

  1. Florida Fan said

    Oh man.

    That’s absolutely freaking ridiculous. Does he know that cheese IS spoiled milk? Yogurt is spoiled milk. They’re just spoiled with particular types of “spores”. Just because sour milk doesn’t taste good doesn’t mean it’s poisonous!

    And that’s not even touching the whole idea of renegade spores running around the fridge waiting to pounce in the mayonnaise and jelly. Wow. If he was right there wouldn’t be a population problem, that’s for sure.

    I have no idea how to get through to him, but I would be livid.

    Just throw out the damn milk. Everything else is FINE!!

  2. mbmb said

    Oh my goodness! You deserve a medal for enduring this sort of “Spores Idiocy”. Ain’t Love Grand?

    Mary Beth

  3. Shiobhan said

    OMG I can’t remember laughing this hard in sometime now. That is too funny. I have a visual of little spores running amuck in your fridge.

    I guess fresh parmesan cheese wouldn’t do well with him in the fridge then, huh?

    God love em, we can’t kill em!!!!

  4. Tazzie said

    Well, she could kill him, but who would blog the trial for us???????

  5. A.D.A. said

    Count your blessings. Paul’s understanding of the dangerous milk spore complete refrigerator infestation syndrome(known in scientific circles as damilkisbadis) probably saved your life! The rare milk spore’s little-known ability to penetrate glass jars, metal cans, (and flimsy eggshells) has been such a closely-guarded secret; who knows what agencies will be inquiring into how he gained this highly-specialized knowledge?!
    But, can he really not also know that mere refrigerator walls are nothing to it, and completely incapable of containment? I suggest you have him clean the whole house, immediately!

  6. skweekie said

    I think you have the beginnings of a mighty fine horror movie script.
    “Night of the Living Spores”

    Start writing immediately.

  7. AtwoodLady said

    I suppose Blue Cheese would make him dissolve into a spore puddle.

    Nay

  8. Rick B. said

    Paul needs to meet our AFCA friend Greg Goss, who once pulled a jug of old milk out of the back of his fridge and asked his future wife “Why don’t they put years on the expiration dates on these?”

  9. Greg Smith said

    Aw hell, give the guy a break.

    Better you got someone who will clean out the refig than someone who throws out a slice of moldy bread and doesn’t even bother to tell you that mold spores really are all over the rest of the loaf.

  10. HT said

    Awww Keeem, Paul is showing his unsurpassed love for you. He knows you been sick and it’s his way of protecting you in the future from the spores that he thinks caused your illness. Could he be right?

    I don’t know about spores in the frig but I do know I keep my toothbrush inside the medicine cabinet. You read between the lines. I think that particular kind of spores running rampant has been proven.

    But the fact he threw away the butter would really piss me off.

    KarenSue

  11. Veronique said

    I, for one, welcome our new mold spore overlords.

    V.

  12. Dana said

    Um, Paul? I’ve had milk go sour in my fridge. I’ve had chicken go bad in my fridge. I’ve had cheese grow big colonies of penicillin in my fridge. I’ve had all sorts of stuff grow mold to the point where it was unrecognizable in my fridge. I’d be willing to say I’ve probably had all of the above happen simultaneously somewhere along the line. To say I am a casual housekeeper is giving me considerably more credit than I deserve.

    I throw away the stuff that goes bad. I do not throw away anything else. Hell, if I can trim the mold off and use the rest, I often do.

    The results? The only time I’ve puked in the past decade it was because in a situation of blowing off extreme stress, I drank five margaritas on an empty stomach. The margaritas had not been in the fridge.

    Oh, and old cookbooks have recipes for using up sour milk. But that was back before milk was pasteurized, when “sour” was sort of like liquid yogurt. I’ve used that sort of milk in baking in place of buttermilk. Sadly, pasteurized milk isn’t much good for anything once it goes bad. But it doesn’t contaminate the rest of the stuff in the fridge.

  13. Dana said

    Another thought: As a compromise, perhaps if this happens again Paul could wipe off all the glass jars and other packaging with a paper towel and drugstore peroxide? (The peroxide won’t leave a toxic residue.) You know, removing all those, er, “deadly spores” that might fall in the jar when you remove the lid.

    Oh, and you can tell him from me: No spores are involved in the souring of milk. Lactobacillus are involved. They are bacteria. Bacteria don’t have spores.

  14. Veronique said

    I, for one, welcome our new bacterial overlords.

    V.

  15. Marie said

    I’m with Dana. I only puked when I was pregnant and got pneumonia in Italy (nothing to do with my fridge). We have seen some pretty interesting mold in there, I like to think it’s all in the name of science. The grossest thing ever (which I saw at a store, not at home) is furry fuzzy rotten bananas.

  16. Scottie Rich said

    I imagine everyone has a good fridge story lurking somewhere. I have four grandchildren ages 5, 7, 10 and 12. Sometimes when I’m at my daughter’s house, I’ll go through the fridge and find some unbelievable things. Whenever I do I’ll yell out “Who wants to see the grossest most disgusting thing in the world and it has hair on it???’ They all scream and say “Yuk, how awful, no way, Grammy…..and come running as fast as they can to look at it! I guess you can make a fucking game out of anything.

  17. QueBarbara said

    *splorf*
    Dammit V., that’s enough, stop it!

  18. Dana said

    I come by my petri-dish-fridge honestly. Growing up, a standard line in our house was “Is this bad enough to throw away yet?”

    I just pulled some roast beef-roasted-red-pepper-and-cheese rolls out of the fridge to toss after noticing they have green spots.

  19. Val Dalton said

    Has Paul ever had food poisoning? Most everyone I’ve encountered that has had a sever case of food poisoning reacts this way. Glad I never have!

    My mom is a lot like him. If she finds something moldy in the fridge she inspects everything, especially milk. When she was younger she ate some bad pudding and she almost died.

    However she is the exact opposite of my dad, who use to take moldy cheese and scrape off the mold and eat what was under it. It always said it wasn’t all moldy, if you don’t see the green it was ok to eat as far as he was concerned. LOL.

  20. Val Dalton said

    Oh another suggestion, buy Paul some Clorox anywhere, we use it on Luke’s toys its great stuff!

  21. abarclay12 said

    Wow. Paul really got a little crazy, didn’t he?? Tell Paul I often forget about milk in my fridge and buy fresh milk after awhile (I guess I’m too lazy to actually throw the old milk out), and I’m still alive.

  22. Squiggy said

    If they didn’t have that hangy down thingy, there’d be a bounty out on all of them!

  23. Katprint said

    I would be trying to persuade Paul that those scary spores probably got on the kitchen floor so he should mop it, and also possibly on the kitchen counters and particularly any dirty dishes needing to be washed, and maybe even down the hall and into the bathroom including the bathtub, mirrors, sink and toilet. He should also vacuum all the carpets, just in case spores were tracked onto them. You never know – perhaps some spores were carried out to my car which he should thoroughly wash, vacuum, and detail with Q-tips. He should not rest until he is certain all dangerous spores have been exterminated!

  24. Chrissycat said

    I once kept a lime in my fridge for over 4 ½ years.
    It became my own, personal lime-maraca.
    I loved that lime!

  25. Dover Beach said

    Get a small dorm-size fridge and keep the milk separate from the other food so the food can’t be contaminated by the eeeevul sour milk spores.

  26. I am just as dangerous as any fucking spore

    That needs to be on a t-shirt!

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