The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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I Lost My Cookies

Posted by thedarwinexception on December 7, 2007

Today is the high holy day of the year.

“Lost Season 3” comes out on DVD. I already called K Mart this morning (they weren’t open) to see if they have it, and if it’s the same price as Wal Mart. K Mart is closer to me, which means I will get it faster if I go there, rather than Wal Mart. But I will get it today, as a Christmas present to me, and then I will sit here and veg and watch the whole thing.

It sucks that Paul is home today. He is going to have to deal with the Lost marathon, although he hates, hates, hates the show. Paul is one of those people who thinks that every show has to be a documentary. If *anything* happens in a scene that he *doesn’t* think could happen in real life, then he stops watching. Even something stupid like “that car couldn’t have jumped over that drawbridge and kept on running – the suspension would have been all fucked up or the axle would have broke”. Once the car kept on going – he would stop watching the show.

And Lost has *way* too many elements of “fantasy” for him to watch it. He stopped watching the minute he realized they were on a supposed “deserted island”. Paul is firmly of the opinion that there are no such things as deserted islands anymore. We argued about that for at least a couple weeks. At least until Locke got use of his legs back – then Paul *really* stopped watching.

But, I shall make the trip to K Mart or Wal Mart today and *I* shall enjoy “Lost Season 3” all by myself. I wish zombie lady was back – I’d start at season 1 and get her hooked, too. If Val didn’t have to go to one of her 17 jobs tonight, I’d get her to stay with me and watch it. She might come over after one of her 17 jobs today and bring me Christmas cookies she baked herself with all her extra time.

And speaking of cookies – we had a little dust up here the night before last. I came thisclose to killing Paul and throwing his dead ass in the creek. There are just some things that aggravate me to the point of homicide and the way Paul eats is tops on the list.

Saturday I went grocery shipping – late. I didn’t get home until after 6. They had bakery cookies on sale – 16 in a package for $1.75. Woo Hoo. I bought a package.

The when I got home – I made supper. And I made stuffed shells – from one of the recipe sites that someone in here posted. Then Sunday around 9 am I made a big brunch/breakfast with some pork sausage that we had bought from a friend who raises pigs and sells the meat after he butchers them. I bought a ton of pork for $1.00 a pound (so now you can send me your best pork recipes). There was some sausage in the huge box of meat the guy brought over,  so I made a huge breakfast/brunch Sunday morning of sausage gravy on homemade biscuits, eggs and hash browns.

About noon I think “Oh, fuck! I have those cookies down there! MMMMmmmmm bakery cookies.”. I go down to the kitchen and there are 2 cookies left. TWO. I bring the package upstairs and I scream at Paul “What the fuck you fucking pig hog bastard???!!!” You ate ALL MY COOKIES!” He says “Well, Kim, you know how those bakery cookies are – there weren’t that many in the package. You know you never get as many cookies in there as you do like Oreos.” I said “Fuck You! There were SIXTEEN COOKIES” – LOOK – it says so right on the label – 16 count Chocolate Chip cookies!” Then he says “Well, Kim, I’ve been eating them for 2 days!” TWO DAYS???? I didn’t even get HOME until after 6 Saturday and it was now NOON on Sunday – how the fuck is that 2 DAYS!!”

Then he says “Well, Kim, you really should put those kinds of things away.” I don’t even fucking know what the hell that meant. I said to him “What?? I have to hide shit from you now in order to have it?” He said “Well, I’m thinking you would.” Which only makes me wonder how many boxes of Little Debbie snacks he has hidden all over the house.

But sometime AFTER 6 pm Saturday and the big meal of stuffed shells and salad and Italian garlic bread, and 9 am Sunday with the big breakfast/brunch, Paul managed to eat 14 cookies. And not the little Chip a Hoy chocolate chip cookies, either, these are the big bakery chocolate chip cookies. He ate FOURTEEN of them.

I swear to God, I could have strangled him.

How can this man even be human? How many people can eat like that?

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14 Responses to “I Lost My Cookies”

  1. luvgabe said

    Thanks for the comic relief, Kim, after the two sad blogs on Zombie Lady’s abode!

  2. Kim (Canada) said

    Wow! Losing “FOURTEEN” cookies out of a “SIXTEEN” count bag is really sad also –
    I’d be looking at creating a safe spot for my sweet/salty treats –

    “Every (wo)man for his(her)self when it comes to the “cookies” at Kim’s”….

    Fonzie

  3. marie said

    I don’t think that’s highly unusual. I usually get home put stuff away, and wonder what happened to cookies (or chips and salsa, or candy, etc) and find the packaging stashed away under something in the trash. This is the only time my husband or son voluntarily throw things away in the garage trash… I think it’s a phenomenon known only to men. Although I do know a friend who made an apple pie, and had a piece. It was so good she ate another piece, ultimately eating the whole thing. So she made another pie. Then she ate a piece of that one, knew her husband would never believe she just ate one piece, so she ate on through that one too.

  4. Raymond said

    I get these little apple strudel things at my grocery’s bakery. At least twenty to a box. How I put one after another away not realizing the speed with which the number is diminishing is one of those mysteries I put up there with Loch Ness, the Bermuda Triangle, or Carlos Mencia. A guy-thing? A glutton-thing? The world may never know. And thanks for the heads-up on season three. I ‘lost’ a lot of episodes last season, and the finale made me angry that I had. I see a trip to Wal-Mart in my future.

  5. Holy Toledo said

    Damn, I’m probably the only one that can’t access Van Gogh. I put in the password and it comes up blank.

    HELP, KIM

    HT

  6. bahamamama said

    You lost your cookies? I lost my donut holes. Picture yourself in a cabin in the woods, 5 miles from the nearest grocery store. Before going to bed for the night you count that you have 8 donut holes left from a trip to Dunkin Donuts (a mere 28 miles away) several days before. Four of them were the kind I particularly favor and 4 were of the kind ‘he’ particularly likes. We were leaving the cabin the next day and the food supply was nil….In fact the donut holes were just about all that was left. The next morning I sleepily wander past my husband who is sipping on his coffe and watching the morning news. I poured my coffee, reached into the cabinet and “lo and behold” there are NO donut holes. NONE. What kind of human being sits & eats every last one while his wife is still sleeping. His response….He didn’t think I liked donuts. (We’ve only been married 38 years.) The fact that we had been munching on them for two days prior was a mute point, I guess. He’s lucky he’s still breathing. It must be a man thing…….

  7. Kim (Canada) said

    HT –
    I noticed the same thing happened to me yesterday….
    Try scrolling down further….For some reason it loaded really far down on the page…Happened to my girlfriend also, but she finally got it….
    Good luck – You don’t want to miss these…

    Fonzie

  8. HT said

    I tried it about 2 dozen times, no go Joe. SOL

    BooHoo. I have to drive all the way to Malone to see.

    HT

  9. Dave said

    I wouldn’t be too concerned about Paul’s diet.

    He probably shared all those cookies with his girlfriend.

  10. Sandy said

    Yes, a fun post for the day.

    Guys are so odd about food. His leaving 2 cookies reminds me of my boys who leave a spoonfull of something in a jar or 1-2 items of something in a bag. Never enough to use for anything, but just enough that they don’t have to actually throw it in the trash. And always with the answer “I know you don’t like to waste things”. I still go into the dead bug position when reaching for something that doesn’t exist.

    Do you have the toilet paper problem? Just when you need it, one slim piece is all that is left? Why can’t these guys replace a roll? I saw a great little sign that said “Regardles of what you may believe, replacing the toilet paper roll does not cause brain damage”.

    I swear men lose brain cells far earlier than women even experience. I’m old and the standards for our guys just gets worse. From a (hopefully wise old lady), be sure to replace your combat boots early on.

  11. He probably shared all those cookies with his girlfriend.

    Yeah, well, if she could like get him away from the house once in a while, that would be really, really nice. Fuck, I’d buy her some cookies of her own.

    Kim

  12. His leaving 2 cookies reminds me of my boys who leave a spoonfull of something in a jar or 1-2 items of something in a bag. Never enough to use for anything, but just enough that they don’t have to actually throw it in the trash.

    Paul does that, too, but not because he doesn’t want to throw something away in the trash – because he doesn’t do that, anyway, even if the box is empty. You don’t know how many empty Little Debbie boxes I find in the cupboard – 10 at the end of the week. He does it so he can say “Well, I didn’t eat it ALL! There’s still some left!” He’ll leave one potato chip in a can of Pringles. Then, when I reach for the can and find ONE potato chip, and yell “PAUL!! YOu ate all the fucking chips!” He’ll say “No I didn’t – there’s still some in there!” And I yell “YEAH!! One fucking potato chip!” And he’ll say the magic line – “Well, I didn’t eat them ALL.”

    Kim

  13. bahamamama said

    Well, then what gives with my guy? He eats them all and then tells me he thought I didn’t like them…..

  14. Pj said

    Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!! I just spent about 5 hours reading all your blogs about y hometown and laughing my ass off. Holy Shit!!! yo have one wacked out neighbor.I hope she can get some help. Can You email me the password to see the inside of her palace? (rsalter66@aol.com)we will be in Malone on the 23rd and I will email you with info on our donation to help get her lights and heat on!

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