Borscht, Abu Dabu and the National Reserve
Posted by thedarwinexception on December 1, 2007
The zombie lady has left to go to New York City. She left this morning. Before she made her journey, however, she made a different journey – a spiritual one. One I didn’t quite understand and one I didn’t quite condone, but she made it and apparently she survived it.
She came over yesterday with a can of jellied cranberry, a can of beets and a package of Tempeh.
She wanted me to heat up the jellied cranberry sauce, heat the beets with two cans of water, and cook the tempeh. I had never cooked tempeh before – I had never even seen tempeh before, but she told me that it was “vegetarian chicken” and I was to cook it just like chicken – although the way I cook chicken is to stuff it and roast it and tempeh doesn’t look like it lends itself well to that cooking method. She said ‘fry it in pan”. So I did. That shit is nasty, let me tell you.
So she ate her poor man’s borscht, ate her fried tempeh, and *drank* her heated jellied cranberry sauce, which melted in the pan to a juice like consistency.
It was fucking bizarre. I had asked her if she wouldn’t like a ham sandwich or something other than this weird ass meal, but she explained that no, she needed a high protein meal as preparation for the hellacious night she was going to have to endure that evening. She had run out of propane, and was looking to have a night with no heat at all, since her bank troubles had resulted in her not being able to use her debit card, and she was out of cash.
She assigns the bank troubles to an “unauthorized signature” but I don’t think she understands what that means.. She says that when she goes to any merchant and tries to use the card, the point of sale machine comes up with the error message “Unauthorized Signature”. She thinks that this is because her signature on the back of the card has worn off. I tried to explain to her that no, this can’t be right, because even though we are fairly sophisticated when it comes to technology, there is no way the card reader is looking at the signature on the back of the card and then displaying an error message and denying the sale when it can’t read the signature. I tried to tell her that I have a lot of cards that I’ve never even signed and they don’t get routinely denied. I then said to her “well, if you think that’s what it is, why don’t you just sign the back of the card again?” She said she can’t, because she doesn’t have the special pen the bank uses. So I know there’s no trying to figure this out with her. Not when she starts in with the “they are tracking me” mindset thing she sometimes goes into.
I then told her that she can call the bank – that this might be an easy and fast way of resolving it – but she didn’t want to do that either. I think she also has a “thing” about phones, because she didn’t want to call National Grid, either. She said she would just go to New York and resolve it in person. OK, whatever. Luckily, she already has her ticket for the bus. That cost her the last of her $55.00 in cash.
But it also left her with no money for propane. I didn’t offer to give her cash for propane, because frankly, I don’t want to have anything to do with having that dangerous ass grill in the middle of her fucking living room. Just my fucking luck it would be the tank *I* gave her the money for that fucking blew up or killed her or something.
I told her “Look, there is no reason for you to be over there with no heat at all. You can come here and stay for one night, then go to the city in the morning and resolve the bank issues.” She said no, that staying in the house for one night with no heat at all was something she had to do – that God had spoken to her and this was required for her to prove that she was a loyal American and that she wasn’t a terrorist.
So now I know that the crazy has really kicked in and this was going to be good.
Against my better judgment I say “Ummmmm….what?”
And oddly enough, she has an explanation. Not one that makes a lot of fucking *sense* – but she has one.
Abu Dabu has bought out Citibank. This is HUGE. Citibank had been in a lot of financial trouble and they were foreclosing on mortgages left and right – they couldn’t work with people to allow people more time to come up with money, and people couldn’t afford the mortgages, so many, many people lost their homes. Abu Dabu, after being denied the opportunity to guard American seaports, instead turned to Citibank, and purchased it. Now Citibank had money to work with people and they weren’t foreclosing on homes any more. Abu Dabu, the Arabs, had saved America. And the Arabs were laughing, because now it was typical, middle class, loyal Americans who were funding their terrorist activities – through the simple act of paying their mortgage. See? See how brilliant this plan is? Yeah, I don’t either, but she does.
Now we turn to the National Reserve. Despite what many people think, when you pay your taxes, that money doesn’t go to the government it goes to the National Reserve. The IRS collects the money, but right after they collect it, they write a check to the National Reserve. And the National Reserve is a private corporation. Abu Dabu next wants to buy the national reserve. This way, not only do they get money for their terrorist activities through loyal Americans paying their mortgage, they will also get funded through the great bastion of American loyalty – paying taxes. And the fact that the national reserve is a private entity is something that less than 2% of Americans are aware of, by the way.
Learning that Abu Dabu wants to buy the National Reserve was extremely troubling to the zombie lady. She laid awake for several nights wondering what she would do – what she *should* do. Once Abu Dabu bought the national reserve – would she continue to pay her taxes? Would she risk becoming a funder of terrorists and being disloyal to America? Would she risk losing her house if she didn’t pay her taxes? Would this prove that she was loyal? Would living on the streets be worth it to show her loyalty? Zombie lady says that this is a choice that all Americans – loyal Americans – are going to have to face. Either have a home and pay their mortgage and taxes, all the while funding terrorism. or live on the streets to prove that they are loyal Americans.
Then, the answer came, in the form of a message from God. She had banking troubles and was out of propane. This was God himself showing her that she would have to not pay her taxes and lose her home and live on the streets and be cold. And he was testing her and preparing her for this eventuality. She would have to spend one night with no heat to show that she was a loyal American and was not going to fund terrorism. And she would have to survive this to show God that she was prepared to do so.
I told her that I had heard that terrorists don’t take showers, either, and that if she came over here, watched the last part of “Tin Man” with me and took a shower, that might also prove that she wasn’t a terrorist. But she wasn’t falling for that. God hadn’t told her to watch “Tin Man” and take a shower – he made her run out of propane – a sure sign that she must live without heat. I told her “Well, God works in mysterious ways – you run out of *propane* – propane is made with *oil* – the Tin Man in “The Wizard of Oz” needed *oil* – I’m thinking God is saying “Go to Kim’s and watch Tin Man tonight.” She laughed at me – which was really kind of ironic – you know, *her* laughing at *me* for my convoluted logic? Yeah, that’s rich.
But she ate her poor man’s borscht with the crumbled up tempeh in it, and drank her liquefied and heated jellied cranberry sauce, and left – to prove to God she wasn’t a terrorist.
Zombie lady eating poor man borscht with crumbled tempeh.
And I worried about her all night.
She came over bright and early this morning to find out what time it was (her bus leaves at 10), and to let me know that she had a great spiritual journey, and that God was happy with her and pleased with her sacrifice.
And, you know, I guess that’s all that matters. That God is happy and pleased with our sacrifices.
She’ll be back in a week. Unless she gets a new sign from God and has to go on some other spiritual journey to prove her loyalty and faithfulness, I guess.