The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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I Learned it in AFCA 08/31/07 – 09/06/07

Posted by thedarwinexception on November 24, 2007

From the Non existent FAQ: AFCA is a usenet group more formally called alt.fan.cecil-adams, that I frequent and enjoy, mostly for the brilliant, witty people there.  Cecil Adams devoted his life and career to “stamping out ignorance”, and AFCA attempts to carry on this noble crusade.

In AFCA, no question is off topic, no question is stupid (well, except for the stupid ones) and the people there, collectively, know everything about everything. Almost everyone there has their own “cower mortals” subject, which can range from anything from submarines to raising sheep.

Along with all the “gee whiz” information (“You Will Learn Stuff Here”) there are also some “inside” memes such as the calling of “band name” when two words happen to be written together in a sentence that sound like they could be used for a band, or the call of “Motto!” to something someone has written because we are still searching for the perfect motto for the group. And if you blame anything on the “cabal”, you are sure to get a reply of TINC.

If you express displeasure in someone, you’ll be told to hit them in the face with a rake, except for giraffes, because you can never get inside the mind of a giraffe, and despite rumors to the contrary, I have no basement.

For the longest time groo was summarizing all the weekly posts so that those who were away could easily catch up. He stopped doing it (the bastard). Rick does a weekly summary now, which is just as good as groo’s, although Rick calls it the “cheap imitation” summary. I summarize for the blog mostly to keep track of all the neat crap I’ve read on AFCA, and to spread the crap far and wide.

If you feel like reading more AFCA, point your newsreader to alt.fan.cecil-adams, or you can read via google groups – but if you do that, Blinky won’t see you. He killfiles anyone who uses google groups to access usenet. His inability to see you may or may not be a good thing.

YOU WILL LEARN STUFF HERE

The African penguin has a white stripe encircling its black cheek and throat, and a black horseshoe-shaped stripe across its chest. It a has featherless pink sweat glands around its eyes. As the penguin warms from the sun’s heat, these sweat glands become increasingly pink in color, as they are one of the major sources for releasing body heat.

The eBay auction for 22 Michael Vick football cards, chewed up and slobbered on by two Missouri dogs, ended Wednesday as the winning bidder dished out $7,400 – with the money expected to be donated to the Humane Society.

Calgary is divided up into (approx) one-square-mile neighborhoods. Typically the roads within each neighborhood are either numbered (street or avenue) or have a name where the first three letters match the neighborhood name.

The reasonable man or reasonable person standard is a legal fiction that originated in the development of the common law. The “reasonable person” is a hypothetical individual who is intended to represent a sort of “average” citizen. The ability of this hypothetical individual to understand matters is consulted in the process of making decisions of law. The question, “How would a reasonable person act under the same or similar circumstances” performs a critical role in legal reasoning in areas such as negligence and contract law.

“Lightning injuries are varied and take many different forms. The most dangerous (and possibly fatal) immediate complications are cardiovascular and neurologic. It must be kept in mind that only immediate and effective cardiorespiratory resuscitation (started by
rescuers), followed as soon as possible by emergency medical treatment, can save victims who are in cardiopulmonary arrest, or avert the serious consequences of cerebral hypoxia. Some victims remain in a coma despite intensive resuscitation and die of secondary causes including hemorrhages and multiple lesions (encephalic, cardiac, pulmonary, intra-abdominal).”

The smallest legal unit of money is a mil (1/1000 dollar).  Property taxes are calculated in mils and the 9/10th of a cent on the gas prices is 9 mils.

Arizona’s Health & Wealth Raffle is the largest of its kind in the United States. The Health & Wealth Raffle is a fundraising event designed to generate substantial new revenues for St. Joseph’s Hospital and Medical Center. It is not considered philanthropy in the traditional sense. Instead, the raffle is a gaming event, using the entertainment and top-dollar prize format to attract dollars in support of the hospital. The revenue generated for St. Joseph’s Hospital and Medical Center and its Barrow Neurological Institute by the Raffle supports patient care, education and medical research.

Dictaphone was an American company, a producer of dictation machines -sound recording devices most commonly used to record speech for later playback or to be typed into print. The name “Dictaphone” is a trademark, but in some places it has also become a common way to refer to all such devices, and is used as a genericized trademark.

Antisemitism (alternatively spelled anti-semitism or anti-Semitism) is discrimination, hostility or prejudice directed at Jews. While the term’s etymology may imply that antisemitism is directed against all Semitic peoples, it is in practice used exclusively to refer to hostility towards Jews as a religious, racial, or ethnic group.”

“British Columbia is currently experiencing a Mountain Pine Beetle (MPB) outbreak beyond any bark beetle epidemic recorded in North American history. This eco-system altering epidemic is causing widespread mortality of the lodgepole pine forests, the province’s most abundant commercial tree species. At the current rate of spread, 50 per cent of the mature pine will be dead by 2008 and 80 per cent by 2013. The consequences of the epidemic will be felt for decades in British Columbia. The beetle is also posing a real threat to Alberta’s lodgepole pine forests and the Jackpine stands of Canada’s northern boreal forest.”

Mills & Boon is the company that gave Harlequin the idea to become a publisher of romance novels instead of the general-interest publisher that they originally were.  The first Harlequin romances were reprints of Mills & Boon ones, in paperback instead of the original hardcover. All featuring doctors and nurses, presumably because this was a field
where it was possible for a woman to respectably show skill.

“Federal law allows recording of phone calls and other electronic communications with the consent of at least one party to the call. A majority of the states and territories have adopted wiretapping laws based on the federal law, although most also have extended the law to cover in-person conversations. Thirty-eight states and the District of Columbia permit individuals to record conversations to which they are a party without informing the other parties that they are doing so. These laws are referred to as “one-party consent” statutes, and as long as you are a party to the conversation, it is legal for you to record it.”

“Italian tenor Luciano Pavarotti has died, his manager has announced. The singer, who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last year, died at his home in the northern city of Modena, at the age of 71.”

Cruciferous: Of, pertaining to, or resembling, a family of plants which have four petals arranged like the arms of a cross, as the mustard, radish, turnip, etc.

During the early 1980s over 200 of Oklahoma’s County Commissioners and suppliers were indicted in federal courts in a massive kickback scandal which the FBI called at the time the largest government scandal to occur in the United States.

STUFF THAT MADE ME LAUGH

The observers stoned him to death when they became frightened of his frothy urine.

Aspen actor/director Kent Hudson Reed accidently cut his leg open with the knife he was using in an outdoor performance of “Scenes from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar” on Wednesday.

Who asked you, dummy?

You gotta look out for those weapons of math instruction.

Well, no tree is an island.  They should know that.

GUESS THE AFCA’N

You have not visited a wide variety of bathrooms.

I don’t even know how to correctly pronounce my own name.

I want to be considered smarter than the average bear.

I knew a round girl once.  Then she lost weight.

I think it would be cool to live in Calgary just to be able to say “Shaganappi” all the time.

I can never remember what a dime is, so that was helpful.

I once thought I was wrong, but I was wrong.

I pride myself on my obliviousness

I don’t think anyone’s definition of “good people” would be broad and all encompassing enough for me to qualify. Cannibals maybe.

I absolutely promise you that “genius” isn’t what most people see me as.

I know a little about most things, I know nothing about few things.

Steamed crap has always been a favorite of mine.

I’ve always wanted to go ancestor-shopping at thrift stores.

I’m so wacked on opiates right now it’s illegal for me to drive.

MOTTO’s

One thing I love about this group is just how far we can stretch a metaphor.

One of the great advantages of being dead is that you can no longer be flamed.

“Go thou and fuck thyself.”

We need to run that penis up a flagpole and make sure everyone salutes it.

The truth will set you free, and then it will really tick you off.

AFCAN ADVICE

Don’t pay any attention to him; he doesn’t even know how to hang a towel bar.

Cotton underpants cure all ills.

Put all the cows in huge greenhouses. Grow grass indoors, capture methane. Problem solved! NEXT!

INNOCENT QUERIES

Would a flying wad of semen hitting you change your mind?

What kind of cooties do you have?

Who wouldn’t enjoy seeing grown men fling telephone poles?

Who dares say no to a lady with a snake in her bosom?

Who wants to eat a chicken that’s been sleeping around?

What more do you want?  Sense?

So when I get up to pee in the middle of the night, I’m supposed to whistle? Won’t that scare the cats?

Who wants to eat a chicken that’s been sleeping around?

You don’t think Jesus is an asparagus?

COMPLIMENTS

You are one horny litle man.

SIMPLE TRUTHS

I’d go so far as to say that while getting a blow job, men are already thinking about the next blow job.

Once three or four people have had the same beer, it loses a little something.

It’s hard to defecate flying upside down.

PROBABLY NOT WHAT YOU THINK…..

 I just dig up what I need, hack a chunk off and stick the tuber back in.

BAND NAMES

feral hemp

frothy urine

seriously hick

BELIEVE IT OR DON’T

In Aramic the name of Jesus was translated as “Orrhea.” So when they tacked Him up they said: “Be gone/Orrhea.”

Tree lawns are old traditions from the days of the early English settlers in the U.S.  They are hardly seen anymore except in some New England towns.  Instead of an expanse of grass, miniature trees that are no more than two feet tall fully grown, are planted 3 feet from each other.  During the Fall, when the leaves fell, the early settlers had servants to pick up the leaves.  Today the owners of tree lawns use a vacuum cleaner.  It is sort of wretched excess, but it is in keeping with the American way of penny stocks and herbal viagra.

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6 Responses to “I Learned it in AFCA 08/31/07 – 09/06/07”

  1. Holy Toledo said

    I hardly understood a fucking thing you wrote.

    HT

  2. groo said

    “I hardly understood a fucking thing you wrote.”

    Success!

  3. Hactar said

    Mmm, steamed crap. I hate it cold.

  4. I hardly understood a fucking thing you wrote.

    OK – that made me laugh.

    Kim

  5. Mmm, steamed crap. I hate it cold.

    Yeah, well, you will eat your steamed crap and you will like it, young man.

    Kim

  6. Charlie Pearce said

    I say again – shhhhhhhh!

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