The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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APS Visits the Zombie Lady

Posted by thedarwinexception on November 15, 2007

So, not doing much here – sewing, I’ve been sewing a lot. I’m still making things for my friends little boy, who just had a birthday at the end of last month. So far I have made a sweat suit, a little shirt, a pair of overalls and a duckie bathrobe. I want to make one more thing – a sleeper. I’ll post pictures of everything if I ever get my computer back.

I called the computer guy this morning. Nope, it’s not done yet. He’s had the computer over a week. Want to lay odds he hasn’t even looked t it yet? I fucking hate my computer acting up. Only because I don’t have the shit anymore to fix it myself. I just need to find a faster computer guy who knows as much as this guy. I’m not sure if the two are compatible, though, I think you either get someone who is really fast or someone who is really knowledgeable. And I’m not sure which is more desirable.

Oh – and before I forget, the countdown is on!! Don’t forget! Next Friday is the BIG FLANNEL SALE at Joanns. Be there – and be there early. 99 Cents a yard for flannel prints and solids. Best day of the year. I think this is the only day I actually leave notes for Paul to wake me up when he gets up. The sale starts at 6 am. You know, like Paul doesn’t normally wake me up anyway. Tell me, why is it fucking imperative that the guy put his fucking clonking clunking fucking heavy workboots on – and THEN have to clomp up and down the fucking stairs? Is that like fucking necessary?

And OK – I’ve decided to invite the zombie lady over for Thanksgiving. Not only because of the entertainment value, but because now I feel sorry for her again. They finally sent someone out from Adult Protective Services to talk to her!! And I got to listen!! Thank God zombie lady doesn’t open her door to anyone! That’s all I got to say – because the lady had to yell the questions she was asking to zombie lady, and I had just enough time to crack open the bedroom window so I could hear.

APS asked her if she had electricity yet and zombie lady said no, then APS lady said – “Well, it’s going to get cold you know. See? It snowed last night, and it’s going to snow more.” Zombie lady said “I am going to Moscow when it gets cold.”

APS Lady then asked if zombie lady knew what day of the week it was, what month it was and what year it was. Zombie lady said “2007” and APS lady asked again “What day of the week and what month?” And Zombie lady said “I am not sure – I have no need for this, no?” Which is fair, I mean, it’s not like she has to make sure she catches “Dancing with The Stars” or anything, which is really the only reason I need to know what day of the week it is – to make sure I know what’s on TV that night.

APS Lady was very, very nice – asked zombie lady if she had a phone (no), if she had food in the house (meow) asked if she had warm clothing and blankets (I didn’t quite catch how zombie lady responded to this), and asked if there was anything APS lady could do for her today. (Zombie lady said no).

And APS lady must have either smelled gas or was going off previous reports to their office about the gas grill, because she tried to explain to zombie lady how dangerous it was to have a gas grill inside and that she needed to have the area well ventilated if she was going to use it inside, which might just be counter effective to having the gas grill inside at all. She also asked zombie lady when she was headed to Moscow – which was kind of funny to me, since zombie lady had just got done saying she didn’t know what day or month it was. What was APS lady expecting her to say “Ummm…Next Tuesday – of course, I don’t know when quite the fuck that is, but…”

But APS lady asked if she could come back and check on zombie lady again. She asked if zombie lady wanted her phone number (zombie lady said no – because, you know, she DID just say she didn’t have a phone), and APS lady thanked her and then she left – oh, and she also asked what zombie lady’s full name was, and zombie lady said “You can say to me Natasha”. Which, for some reason, made me giggle.

But, I have decided that I shall invite her over. I’ll try to teach her social skills at the same time and tell her “Look, just because I am inviting you over for this SPECIAL OCCASION, that doesn’t mean that you can knock on my door umpteen fucking times a day. Don’t do it, or I shall be forced to yell at you again.”

But, I figure it will be good fodder for the blog if she comes over, and besides, I REALLY want to get a good picture of her, and this will be a way to do it without looking suspicious. I mean, I can say *anything* is a Thanksgiving tradition – “Oh, we always take pictures on Thanksgiving!”, “Oh, we always eat cat food straight from the can on Thanksgiving – show us how you do it – and SMILE!”

Should be fun.

And “You can say Kim to me.” God, I love that.

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20 Responses to “APS Visits the Zombie Lady”

  1. Hatpin said

    This is so funny, Kim! I can’t wait until you get the pics. 🙂

    Regarding your slow computer man – it might be that he’s actually being very thorough, which is a Good Thing. The guy who sorts out my computers always takes his time, especially when he’s testing a build. He’ll run it for several days, doing various tests (3D graphics, sound, network, etc) to make as sure as possible that everything’s working OK. It’s a pain, but I’m glad he does it.

    Or, of course, it could be that your guy is just a lazy sod.

  2. Holy Toledo said

    You caved. Well, this TG will be much more entertaining than the Pilgrims and the Indians (if that even happened). I’m going to try to come up with new lyrics to “Over the river and through the woods” and adapt them to you. That is, if I get time and a creative moment. I’ve been busy raking leaves and spending big bucks on my BD which resulted in my getting two tickets to the OSU/UM game which you probably don’t even know is happening but it is. It’s tomorrow and in some people’s eyes, it’s every bit as big as the sale at Joanne’s.

    APS workers are nice people but I’m not so sure they’re very good detectives as was evidenced by her questions. I mean ZL was blowing smoke up worker’s ass when she said she was going to Moscow but it sounds like worker took it seriously and was probably relieved she was splitting NY. Why don’t you bone up on Odessa, Gorky Park and some Russian history and see what kind of information you can get from her. I think that would be interesting.

    HT

  3. Caroline said

    Good for you! I can imagine how lost and lonely it must be for her in a foreign country with no social skills and resorcefulness to fall back on. That what growing up in a Communmist country will do to you.

    I would be interested in hearing how she ended up in the USA, particularly your little town.

  4. Bill T said

    The exchange between ZL and Ms. APS was funny, in a sad kinda way. I’m not sure what can be done, since ZL refuses help and is not quite insane enough to qualify for the butterfly nets.

    I live a couple of hours from San Francisco (used to live much closer) and I see plenty of people like her in the city. At least in Malone, she actually lives in a home and gets invited to a private Thanksgiving dinner.

    Very kind of you, BTW.

  5. oh Kim…I’m so ready for the flannel sale at Joann’s…I’m ALWAYS the first person there every Black Friday…heck, I need to make a minimum of 40 loungepants for the kiddos again this year, so I wouldn’t miss it for the world! Also, be sure to tell them when ringing your FABRIC purchases that it going to be used to make CLOTHING…that way it’s TAX FREE…woo hoo! They are not allowed to charge you tax on it no matter what they say…it’s the LAW.

    I think ZL will be the ultimate Thanksgiving guest…wonder what she’ll bring? Certainly not a freshly baked pie…LOL! And you had better take LOTS of pictures!

    With friendship,
    Lisa

  6. Sprocket said

    Domestic Diva,

    I don’t know what state you’re in, but in out here in California, that wouldn’t fly, lol.

    I already have too much flannel from the sale LAST year, (the attic is PACKED!) but I will be shopping as early as possible anyway. Always looking for some new, fun prints to make Christmas Stockings and fleece and flannel blankets out of.

  7. AtwoodLady said

    Kim….congrats for a multi-cultural Thanksgiving for you, Paul and ZL this year.

    Remember the Indians did a similar thing with the Pilgrims and you see how that turned out.

    This reminds me of a time my neighbor housed a distant relative for a short time from Hungary that spoke little “english” and once was going thru neighbor’s cupboard’s “wanting to go east”…… neighbor told her “we are west”….. relative insisted on east….lo and behold, relative wanted “yeast” to make bread!!!! Eventually, this relative moved on to become a housekeeper in New York somewhere.

    Hopefully, ZL won’t be shocked to see a home that has full-functioning facilities as water, heat and electric.

    Nay

  8. kaydaver said

    How kind of you to invite this poor lost soul into your home. I’m afraid that all the trappings of a Thanksgiving feast may throw her into some sort of a fit. Arm yourself accordingly with a bottle of Vodka, a few potatoes, and possibly some beets so she can at least see food she recognizes. At the very least, a couple of cans of Friskies.

    Good luck!

  9. A.D.A. said

    Oh, Kim, I suspect you have a sweet, kind, sensitive heart under that searingly intelligent exterior…

  10. skweekie said

    Very nice of you to inviter her, Kim.

    On another note, Dr. Michael Baden was in my neck of the woods last week investigating the Kathleen Savio death. She was the previous wife of whatshisname Peterson who’s most recent wife has been missing for 3 weeks now. I drive past Queen of Heaven cemetery every day and saw where they had disinterred the body. Don’t know why Baden is involved in this. I think he was paid for by Fox News somehow. I think he is right about this case, but can’t get out of my mind his corruption on the stand in the Spector case.

  11. Val Dalton said

    Perhaps you should invite Rainman and his Blind Girlfriend. That would make it even more extra special. Perhaps then you could get him to take his bed home.

  12. catchme said

    Thanks for the smile, as usual. I didn’t know about the fannel sale, thank you for that, but it is black friday and I have never ventured from my warm home on that day before. Now I am excited, yet scared, definately thinking about it, BUT the store is next to walmart, if I go, I may never be seen again, lost in the crowds of insane shoppers.

  13. holy toledo said

    ‘mornin, Kim,

    I’m in hillbilly heaven preparing for Food Fest. I went out to Shawnee State Forest and shot myself a turkey. It’ll take a few days to get the buckshot all out but then it’ll be yummy. Are you thawing your turkey or do you go the fresh, expensive route? I had an idea for your day with ZL. Why don’t you rent “Doctor Zhivago” and watch it together? Or was “War and Peace” a movie? There’s always “Moscow on the Hudson”.

    I survived the trip to Ann Arbor. OSU won. fyi

    ht

  14. Gail said

    Kim, should be an interesting dinner on turkey day. You are a softie and that is great! I would do the same thing if in the situation.

    Give her a skillet and ask her to make you some Russian “blinis” while she is there. They are to die for so hub says. You will need some flour, eggs, butter, & powdered sugar, and I’m not sure what else. We have an elderly Russian lady in our extended family, and when we visit, she treats us with her “blini” crepes. She will certainly win over Paul’s heart.

  15. Give her a skillet and ask her to make you some Russian “blinis” while she is there. They are to die for so hub says. You will need some flour, eggs, butter, & powdered sugar, and I’m not sure what else. We have an elderly Russian lady in our extended family, and when we visit, she treats us with her “blini” crepes.

    What about pomegranate juice? Does your Russian friend push that on you?

    Kim

  16. it might be that he’s actually being very thorough, which is a Good Thing.

    I know…patience is a virtue. I’m just not that virtuous.

    I do appreciate someone who is thorough – I just want him to be thorough faster.

    Kim

  17. I would be interested in hearing how she ended up in the USA, particularly your little town.

    You know, this is one of the questions on my list of “Things I want to Know About the Zombie Lady” – along with more mundane shit like “Do you sleep in a coffin” and “Why do you suck the life force out of people?’

    Kim

  18. I already have too much flannel from the sale LAST year, (the attic is PACKED!)

    I know exactly what you mean – believe me. My cabinet in the sewing room is packed, along with a wall full of boxes in the bedroom. Last year I went crazy at the sale and bought like 400 yards of flannel – damned near their entire inventory. And between then and now I’ve bought at least that much again off the clearance aisle. And how much flannel have I actually *used* since last Thaksgiving? Oh, probably 10 yards at most.

    It’s a sin.

    Kim

  19. On another note, Dr. Michael Baden was in my neck of the woods last week investigating the Kathleen Savio death.

    You know, oddly enough I was just thinking about Baden. I saw again this weekend that “Autopsy” show with the mother of the three babies that died mysteriously – including a set of twins. Baden told her that it was her fault – she rolled over ont ehm accidentally.

    I remember thinking the first time I saw this that rolling over on two seperate babies in the bed with you on the same night would be fairly hard to do. And I wondered what those “attachment” parents thought of Baden’s conclusions. They sleep with their kids pretty much until the kids get married and leave home.

    Seeing this show again this weekend I still think he’s wrong in this case, and that he’s just an arrogant fool who can’t say “God, I don’t know..” he always has to come up with *something* no mater how far fetched.

    Kim

  20. Perhaps you should invite Rainman and his Blind Girlfriend. That would make it even more extra special.

    Yeah, I’m saving THAT invitation for when you and hubby come over for dinner. Just to make it “extra special” for you.

    Kim

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