The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Notes From Malone

Posted by thedarwinexception on October 25, 2007

The dimwitted boyfriend of the pregnant thief came over last night. The pregnant thief had her third daughter a few months back. This new baby and the Cabbage baby are 9 months apart in age. The first thing I asked dimwitted boyfriend was – “So, what fucked up name did you give this one?” And, much to my delight, and the child’s everlasting horror, he didn’t disappoint.Seems there’s an “place” that is marked by a road sign that they travel by quite frequently down in the southern part of New York somewhere – and after saying the name over and over they started to kind of like it!! They aren’t quite sure where the “place” is, they haven’t actually been to the “town of Tricity”, but they like the name Tricity. (Pronounced as in elecTRICITY). So that’s what they named their kid.

So I had to ask – “Does this sign say “Welcome to the Tri City area?”

YES!! That’s it!! “Oh, is that what it is – TRI CITY?”

“Yeah, stupid fuck, it’s not Tricity, it’s TRI CITY. Like in Three Cities, you know? Tri = Three, like in TRI cycle. It’s not pronounced Tricity – as in ELEC TRICITY”.

Then he starts laughing and he says “Ha Ha – Electricity – I never thought of that! It is the same as that, isn’t it?? Oh man, electricity – that’s kind of fucking dumb, isn’t it? Hahaha – Oh well, too late now.”

So, Precious is still number one – and now elec TRICITY is number 2 stupid name of all time. I’m just glad the pregnant thief didn’t move somewhere near the town of Intercourse.

In other news, I finally called about the Zombie lady – only because it got really cold last night and I was worried about her firing up the gas grill. Oh, and also because she pissed me off yesterday. Paul was out back checking out the clearing that the county guys did and I was walking Milo and noticing that with the fence gone and all the brush cleared out I now have a *wonderful* new view straight into Zombie’s backyard. So it will be a great new vantage point for spying. Well, Zombie lady noticed us back there, and she came rushing out of her house to “talk” to us – apparently she thinks that since there is no fence there now that she can just like wander all over our backyard and it’s like, part of her yard now.

So she comes rushing over and she says “Akeem, Akeem, why are you so mad at me, no? What did I do to you, no?” I guess she just doesn’t understand the whole fucking concept of “leave me the fuck alone.” So Paul starts chuckling and he says “Yeah, Akeem, what did she ever do to you?”

So I said to zombie “Look, I’m not mad at you – I’d have to like give a fuck to begin with to be mad at you, wouldn’t I? You just pissed me off with your constant fucking banging at the door. I don’t like company. And I don’t like people knocking on my door to ask me idiotic fucking questions that they know I don’t have the answers to. It seems like a waste of my fucking time. If you are simply lonely or want to like be in a house with electricity, just fucking knock and say ‘Can I hang out here for a while, you know, where there’s a fucking TV’ but don’t knock just to ask me stupid fucking questions so you can like get a glimpse of what overhead fucking lights look like or what fucking heat feels like. Because constantly interrupting me for no reason is going to piss me off. There’s just no reason for that shit.”

She kind of looks at me all bewildered and mutters something unintelligible as she walks away. Probably some kind of life force sucking curse, is what I’m thinking.

Paul is still chuckling and he says to me “Well, that’s not fair, you know. You make up excuses to go over and see the inside of *her* house, don’t you? Didn’t you want to see the window vines and the gas grill? Why should you bitch at her for making up excuses to come over here so she can see real live furniture in a house?”

Which is kind of true, but you know, people pay money to go inside and see the Ripley’s Believe it Or Not House, not to see like normal fucking houses. Unless like someone famous lived there or got killed there. I wanted to go in her house because it was fucking unbelievable. I don’t think that means she can wander through mine just to see what a fucking couch looks like in it’s native environment. Or what a fucking running refrigerator sounds like.

But, anyway, I did call Adult Protective Services about her. They didn’t seem all that interested, to tell you the truth. I told them her first name, but I don’t know her last name, and it was odd that they asked me if I knew her phone number. That kind of put me off a bit. I told the lady “Honey, she doesn’t even have running water or electricity. What makes you think she has a phone?” But I gave them her address, and told them that I was concerned that by the end of the winter she would either be dead from asphyxiation, or she will have blown up half the street. They said they would “look into it”, whatever that means. I’ve been watching to see if anyone does a drive by or comes to like peek in the windows, but I haven’t seen anyone yet.

But I am kind of hoping that zombie lady has her solar lights out on Halloween, because I’m really looking forward to a bunch of little kids knocking on her door. Is there such a thing as Trick or Treating in Russia? Because a bunch of bratty assed little kids in masks knocking on her door and yelling “trick or treat” at her is bound to fucking freak her ass right out. And let’s see how *she* likes being interrupted every 5 minutes by someone knocking at her door.

I’ll give the kids an extra Peanut butter cup if they knock on her door and don’t leave until she answers. Serves her right.



14 Responses to “Notes From Malone”

  1. Susan said

    I hope the Kinder of Halloween scare the shizz out of Zombie lady. It could bring out her sanity, like a good electro-shock treatment. Props to you for calling APS but screw what I have to say, as long ago, I sold my soul to a health care provider and a six figure income. Whoa, is me!

  2. Holy Toledo said

    Tricity….if that doesn’t take the proverbial cake. It’s tough to beat Precious but they managed. You won’t believe this but a very wealthy family in Toledo named their two sons, One and Two. Their last name was Stickney. The reasoning was they would choose a name they liked when they got older but neither one did. You’re right….the idiots slip through.

    I was going to take some pictures of stupid things in Portsmouth and send them to you. One would have been the gold mine, also known as the DARI-CREME. Not dairy but DARI. They sell footers, fried stuff like corn dogs and of course ice cream, etc. Here’s the part that’s unbelievable. From the time they open to the time they close, there is ALWAYS a line of people. And they stay open all winter. Big demand for carnival food in Portsmouth.

    Back to Zombie Lady. In Ohio, if you call APS, it’s a law they have to be contacted in 36 hours and if there’s no elecTRICITY, they have to be seen the same day. Maybe NY has different statutes. I thought she didn’t look that old in the one picture you posted. The irony is she seems to be fond of you and is concerned if you’re mad at her. I take that as a pretty positive sign she’s a little bit with it. Cracks me up that Paul basically took her side. Isn’t that how it always is? Oh, I just thought of something else. APS only serves age 60 or over I think. I know there’s an age requirement so if she doesn’t meet it, I don’t know what happens to those people. I think it’s the Department of Neighborhood/Health Department or something like that if the home if unsafe.

    Yeah, you’re right about hoping PS has some money left for the civil trial. The one person that posted sent a website about royalties, etc. and I read it. It was pretty interesting and if he/she is right, PS is set for life unless Rachelle figures out how to siphon the till.

    Anyway, it’s good to be home and I pop in several times a day. I’m probably responsible for 10 hits a day because I like to read other people’s responses.

    Did you ever hear of the site: The Onion? It’s pretty weird.


  3. 2BReal said

    OMG, you and this zombie lady are too fricken much. It will be so hysterical on Halloween.

    I cannot believe those two naming their kid Tricity.

    Another great blog and thanks for the laughs. I’m telling you, I thoroughly enjoy reading the ins and outs of Malone through your eyes.

  4. Greg said

    The Onion cheats. They make stuff up. Kim has to live this crap.

    Though I’ve posted a few clips from ONN onto my own blog.

  5. Buckeye Belle said

    HT, I am sure you are talking about the DARI-CREME gold mine on 2nd St. Drove past it this evening and would have taken a pic if I had known you wanted one. Yup, P-town has lots of stupid things around. Maybe I should take a pic of the city limits sign as you drive into town on Rt #52 from West Portsmouth …. the one that says something about Legal Pain Drugs. Guess it is time for me to get out the camera and spend some time driving around. You just gotta see it to believe it, huh?

    Tricity. Guess it does have a nice ring to it when you think about it. Problem is the poor kid will have to go through life with people thinking her name is TRI-CITY!!

    BB in P-town

  6. Lorraine said

    If you really want some action on the old lady next door, call code enforcement or whatever its called in your neck of the woods. They are the home Nazis and I’m sure she is in violation all over the place. After they try to deal with her once and she explains why she is without power, they will call APS who will then be forced to get off their dead asses and do something.

  7. Val Dalton said

    OMG Kim that’s just the funniest shit ever. Tri City? I cant believe people that stupid were allowed to breed. Please steal that kid and bring her to me, Luke would love a sister, and It’s not to late to change her name, she’ll never remember!

  8. Hank said

    They can always name their next child “Nosmo King”.

  9. Poppy said

    Hee! Awful names are so much fun. At least as long as they belong to somebody else!

    I’ve meet a Tiger-Lily and an Enchantress, myself. Heard the “twins named Lemonjello and Orangejello” story from my mother who heard it from a nurse who claims she worked at the hospital where they were born.

    Are you going to insist on pronouncing it as Tri-City?

  10. Holy Toledo said

    Forgot to mention I liked your curtain fabric a lot.

    A quick note to Buckeye Belle: I was born and raised in Portsmouth. That’s why I poke fun at it. Is the sign about the pain by Osco? As much as I poke fun, you can’t beat the scenery this time of year, right?


  11. mary c said

    Several years ago while serving as principal of an elementary school in Arkansas I had the pleasure of enrolling twin girls named Regina and Vagina—will never forget that day.

  12. Holy Toledo said

    Oh my God, Vagina……help.

    I went to school with a Sally Ann Sally. There was a foot doctor in Portsmouth named Doctor Odor and there’s a urologist in Toledo named Dr. Tapper. You really can’t make this stuff up, can you?


  13. BayBee said

    When I used to teach I had a poor child named “Malaria.”

    I had a similar crazy lady neighbor and I couldn’t get help for her. She at least went to a doctor so I wrote to him explaining the situation and the jerk READ IT TO HER but did nothing about it. She also refused help from APS. She finally DIED from the mold in her house because after Hurricane Isabel she refused to let aid workers in to get the wet (FILTHY) carpet out of the house. After she died Animal Control and I had to dress up in space suits to get her 48 cats out. Can you imagine wet walls, carpet, filth (no running water) and 48 cats??? You could smell her house driving by but no one would help me help her. Bless you for trying.

  14. Perplexio said

    I once heard a tale of a mother complaining to a principal that her kids were getting picked on… The reply, “Well you shouldn’t have named them ‘Lemonjelo’ and ‘Orangelo'”– Yes she’d named her children Lemon Jell-o and Orange Jell-o….

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