The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Bye Kimmer – Love Ya!!

Posted by thedarwinexception on October 5, 2007

So you know, today was……a day.

And I don’t want to hear any more shit from anyone about my aversion to people coming over to my house, my reluctance to have “friends” and the people here in this backwards fucking town.

Rocky was here today. Remember Rocky? She’s the rather large woman – the loud one who calls me “Kimmer”, which I hate, but really fucking hate even more now. The one who always says “Love ya!” when she finally fucking leaves. Yeah, I got your “love ya” right here.

So she was here today. Since March the woman has been on my ass about getting in touch with the IRS for her. Seems her refund check (for a whole $350) never came. So I’ve been calling them, and filling out forms and registering online and doing all this shit trying to track down her refund check. Since March. The last form we filled out said “You should hear from us by October 1st – if you don’t come back here.” So, right on schedule she came over today with her loud self “OH WE HAVE TO GO BACK ON THAT WEBSITE BECAUSE THEY SAID I SHOULD HEAR SOMETHING BY OCTOBER 1ST AND I HAVEN’T………..KIMMER.”

Oh fuck me.

So I went back on the site, I filled in all the shit – again. Only to get a telephone number – “call us and give us this number when you call”. So I called – and sat on hold for 20 minutes with her loud ass going on and on over my shoulder. And they said “It was cashed – we sent you a copy of the check.”

So she calls her “roommate/live in boyfriend/Husband” (I don’t quite know what they actually are – it changes according to how mad she is at him at the moment) and she says to him “THEY SAID IT WAS CASHED – YOU BETTER COME CLEAN BECAUSE THEY ARE SENDING ME A COPY OF THE CHECK DID YOU CASH MY CHECK TELL ME THE TRUTH BECAUSE I AM GOING TO PURSUE THIS WITH THEM.”

He says “Yeah, I cashed the check.”

Which really pissed me off. Because the LAST time she was here and I went through this shit of filling out forms and having to put up with her loud ass he swore up and fucking down he didn’t touch it. I believed him, he sounded so sincere. And I am not quite sure which I am more pissed off about, that the fucker lied right to my face, that he did it so convincingly, or that I believed him.

Or maybe it’s just that I had to listen to her loud ass bitch for the next half hour about how she was going to do this and going to do that, and I finally told her “well, I’d be hauling my fat ass down to the fucking police station post fucking haste and fucking filing charges. That’s the only way the IRS is going to reimburse you the money – if you file charges.”

Then we get into the interesting part – the part where fucking bizarro world takes over.

She tells me “No, I can’t file charges against him because, you know, he’s the only bread winner right now, since I got fired from my job, and until and unless I get another job, I have to keep him around.” BUT – “But” she adds – “BUT – we don’t have sex, anyway, I don’t like sex, I have no interest in it – especially with him. I haven’t had sex in 6 years, I’ve been totally celebret” (that’s the way she pronounced it – celebret – and I don’t know if you can really BE celibate, if you can’t even SAY celibate). “How about you – do you like sex, do you and Paul have sex?”

Ummmmm…..what?

So I do some kind of bad movie double take look at her and I say the only thing that comes into my head right at that particular moment – so I look at her and say “HUH?”

She says “Do you and Paul get along – you guys get along I bet, don’t you? I’ve never seen you guys fight – not like me and that asshole roommate of mine” (now he’s a roommate).

Glad to be on a different sort of topic, I say “Yeah, we get along – we don’t ever really argue – and even if we did, I wouldn’t argue in front of other people.”

And she says “So you do like sex?”

And there we were again. And I really didn’t know what to say – well, besides “You know, I’m just not thinking that’s something I really want to discuss with you seeing’s how I don’t even like your fat fucking ass.” So to keep it a little lighter than what she seemed to be heading towards, I said “Well, I guess it depends on who it’s with.”

Wrong choice. Wrongity wrong wrong.

Because THEN she takes that as some sort of open invitation, and she says “OH – well, me too! I mean, I wouldn’t have problem having sex with a woman that I liked – right? You would like that too, right?”

OK – now we’ve just gone off the fucking deep end here and well, somebody needs to be getting up off the goddamned couch and walking out the damned door, and since it’s kind of my house – I’m thinking it better be her.

So I say “Look – I know you are having some problems, but I’m just not the person you need to be talking to right now. I really think you just need to go home and fuck your roommate – if it’s been 6 years, you need to be fucked, and I don’t think I’m up to that.” And as I’m saying it, I’m getting up off the couch (not easy, the woman weighs 500 pounds and when she sits on the opposite end of the couch I’m up in the air like 4 feet.) and she’s getting up too, saying “Oh, I’ve made you feel uncomfortable, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, and I said “Well, yeah, you did, I just think you should go, Rocky, really. Just go.”

So she drags her fat ass down the stairs and out the door. Saying “Love Ya, Kimmer”, on the way out. Only now it was even WEIRDER than before, and I’m thinking I never want her in the house again if Paul isn’t here. I mean, this woman really fucking creeps me out now. Even more than before.

And I can’t wait to tell Paul. I’m thinking I’m really lucky she’s not slim and cute, because this is the stuff his dreams are made of.

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21 Responses to “Bye Kimmer – Love Ya!!”

  1. Veronique said

    Oh Kim. Now I’m kinda happy I only had a vagrant living in the crawlspace under the house.

    In other news, what about that FAKE ROLEX of OJ’s? For some reason, reading that headline made me laugh and laugh.

    V.

  2. Sprocket said

    Oh my forkin’ gawd. She’s actually hot for you “Kimmer!” And she was lookin’ for you to respond. Time to keep the doors locked, and install some security cameras, so you can see who’s at the door before you open it.

    I’d be scared to death, because she could actually just sit on you and kill you.

  3. Holy Toledo said

    Aw come on, you made this up. You had to. You live in po dunk Malone and a lesbo finds you and hits on you. And her name is Rocky. Could you put a set of encyclopedias on her rear end cause it looks like a shelf? I think I got the picture. Shit, it’s Friday night in HH, drove the convertible around for an hour, no takers and I have all my teeth. Life ain’t fair. The only other thing that was halfway exciting today was the hicks that live next door…one of their pitbulls got loose and my brother and I were just getting home when we saw it in the alley. I should have run over it had I been thinking. They only have 3 and, of course, a litter of 10, yes 10 puppies.

    HT in HH

  4. Lady Di said

    What to get rid of her for good? Next time she visits tell her you were just informed that your 5 year old niece, who just left after a weekend visit, has a head lice infection. Watch her run!

  5. skweekie said

    Any chance for Rocky and the Zombie Lady? They could be a match, no?

  6. Aw come on, you made this up. You had to. You live in po dunk Malone and a lesbo finds you and hits on you. And her name is Rocky.

    Yeah, I wish. That’s the beauty of being me – every weirdo for miles around will find me. I blame it on Paul. It’s because he’s NICE to people – even weirdo’s.

    Could you put a set of encyclopedias on her rear end cause it looks like a shelf?

    Hey, you could put the entire Stephen King library on that shelf.

    When are you coming HOME???

    Kim

  7. Any chance for Rocky and the Zombie Lady? They could be a match, no?

    Now that might be fun……

    Kim

  8. Rhonda said

    Kim,

    You’re better than anything in the “New Fall” line-up. Someone should forward your blog to the networks! I’d love to see something funny for a change on the boob tube. Of course, if you attract this many crazzies in little Malone…who knows what would be flying your way out of Hollyweird….on second thought, we’d best keep your blog to ourselves.

    Thanks for the entertainment!
    Rhonda

  9. Gail said

    Oh my Gawd Kim sounds she really does Love Ya! e e k

    I awoke to the Church Ladies aknockin this morning! 😦 Not on one door but all 3 doors before they gave up! They are not easy to outwait, but I perservered. On my way to buy no trespassing signs, and beware of dog and bears! Yep saw a bear two days ago. It has really creeped me out as I had no ideas there were bears around here. 😦

  10. AtwoodLady said

    Kim,
    You say what I think and never say.

    Sometime I might chronicle the 20-yr saga with an ex-neighbor. I didn’t like her the 1st day I met her and it lasted 20 years and life circumstances for her to move away.

    She was the type of person who thought I was her BEST friend (which I wasn’t. She and my hubby got along great as she was the only girl with 5 brothers and hubby had 7 bros and sis’……..I am an only kid.

    When I caught her in a super lie filing a police report on stolen jewelry and saw her wearing such items……I never talked to her again which made for uncomfortable moment when hubby did.

    AL

  11. A.D.A. said

    Gail, if the Church Ladies are Jehovah’s Witnesses, get some yellow crime scene tape, chalk a body outline on the porch, and & scatter some Watchtowers around. That should do it! (No, that’s not original with me.) 🙂

  12. Holy Toledo said

    Aw Kimmer, you want to know when I’m going back to Holy Toledo….tomorrow aka Sunday. So Paul is a chick mag because he’s so nice and you are cursed with weirdos as a result. You know what I think? I think you are just as nice as Paul. You try to be a bad ass but beneath that veneer, you’re an ole softie. Well, whatever, we do know you’re our favorite legal eagle. Kimmer….that name still makes me laugh out loud. Now I picture Rocky coming on to you and you finally at a loss for words……priceless.

    HT

  13. 2BReal said

    This is the funniest! Please keep us posted on any future adventures with Rocky.

  14. september said

    Kim. Wonderful, wonderful entry today.

    I agree with Rhoda you need to share your talent with a larger audiance.

    Please consider writing a novel. Your style is so much like Joan Hess. Her Maggody series is halarious.

    Thanks for sharing.

  15. jai said

    I can’t wait to hear what Paul has to say about this shit. I agree Skweekie, the Zombie lady and Rocky should do the nasty (and I do mean NASTY)

    I’m about to eat a Big Mac. Hope I don’t get a concussion!

  16. Anne said

    “That’s none of your business.” It ain’t rude if it’s true, which it is.

  17. QueBarbara said

    I like the quote from David Sedaris’ dad:

    “Did you see the size of her ass? Christ, you could land a helicopter on that thing!”

  18. I am ROTFLMAO!!!

    like where the heck did she come up with the nickname “KIMMER?”…
    heck, it could be worse…Kimster, Kimber, Kimalicious, etc…..KWIM?

  19. PJB(UK) said

    Next time the Mormons call, you know where to send them.

  20. Kim (Canada) said

    As a “true” lesbian who’s been “out” for over 20 years….I gotta tell you, her pick up/come on line totally sucks! And not in good way…
    As far as her name – “Rocky”, and the fact that she’s not sleeping with “Buddy”, and hasn’t in over six years – Those should of been dead give-a-ways that something “funky” was up with her….
    And last but not least, her calling you “Kimmer” was a definate tell-tell sign – I get that all the time! Think it’s a way of “masculin-izing” and buddy-ing up to the simple name “KIM”!
    Now, with all of her “lovin’ya”! That can’t be helped – You’re lovable, and definately have something going on…We all feel the same way! Difference being in all that, is some of us have a safe, and respectful manner in sharing our terms of endearment with you….and so on that note, thanks for the chuckles, you make us laugh, and remember, we “love ya”!!

    Fonzie :~)

  21. Perplexio said

    I really think that the TV execs are missing the boat here… Malone is just ripe with soap opera fodder for the Hick set.

    Could you imagine a soap opera based on the people of Malone?

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