The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Inside the Zombie House

Posted by thedarwinexception on September 28, 2007

I vacuumed today.

That was a big deal, because I haven’t vacuumed since the Spector trial started. Just haven’t had time. Actually I was a little afraid to vacuum today, since I figured the dog hair could surely be the only thing holding the carpet together. We have a lab – Brewster, the fraidy dog, is a lab. Labs and carpeting don’t mix. Well, they don’t mix well with floors, either. I have to sweep the stairs every single day. And every single day I get enough Brew hair to knit a new dog. I actually have to yell to him so I can see him after I sweep, since I’m always quite sure that he must have FINALLY shed the last of his hair and there will be just a dog with no fur that comes running when I yell to him.

So finally I vacuumed. I had forgotten our carpets were beige. I thought they were better described as “sand” – but that was just the accumulated dirt. And it must have been a long time since I vacuumed, because Paul even said when he came home from work “What happened – did you vacuum?” and for him to notice something like that is rather extraordinary. There have been times when he has come home after I’ve gone and gotten my hair dyed a whole different color and he hasn’t noticed.

So, it’s back to the mundane life – where vacuuming is common place, and Formerly Dead Lady Next Door coming over to have me cook sausages is the highlight of my day. At least it was yesterday. She came over with three sausages in her hand. No paper towel, no plate, no plastic sausage package – just three bare sausages in her hand. I open the door, she holds them out and says “You cook these, no?” So I cooked her sausages.

She STILL has no electricity. Which, to me, is mind fucking boggling. I get pissed off when the lights are out for an hour because of some snowstorm or when some fool hits a power pole. But to be without electricity for MONTHS? *VOLUNTARILY*? Well, that’s just fucking barbaric. How is this bitch washing up with no hot water? She is a far, far better woman that I, that’s for sure.

And Paul got to see the inside of her house.

We had moved the woodstove out of the dining room onto the back porch. Paul wanted to spray it with some “thermal heat paint” he had bought, and he wanted to clean out all the pipe work before winter. We aren’t even sure if we are going to actually use it this winter, since we had a new oil furnace installed a couple of months ago, so Paul took the opportunity of a day off and some kind of wild hair up his ass to move the stove out and re-paint it and clean all the ductwork.

Zombie lady saw the woodstove on the back porch and said to Paul “Oh – you sell me woodstove, no?” (All of her sentences end with “no”). Paul told her no, he wasn’t selling it, we would probably use it, etc.

So Zombie lady asks him how much he would charge her to install a woodstove for her – she wants it next to her sink. (Why you would want the woodstove next to your sink is beyond me, but…)

And Paul said to her “Is it on a wall with a window? Because you have to have the woodstove on an outside wall.” And she said “No, this is important, no?”

She tells Paul to follow her, and Paul looks at me and kind of shrugs – I tell him to go ahead – you know, if she’s going to suck the life force out of him, well, she’ll need another victim besides him because let’s face it, Paul ain’t going to be nothing but a snack when it comes to life force.

So she takes him in the house, and they are in there about 5 minutes before Paul comes back out. He looks at me and kind of roll his eyes, and I think “Fuck – why didn’t I have him bring the fucking camera in there?”

According to Paul she has no furniture – there are milk cartons all over, though. And she is “redecorating”. She has painted one wall of the kitchen a deep dried blood color. And she painted it with an artist’s paintbrush – you know, like you would paint a paint by numbers picture with – one of those – and paper towels. Yes, paper towels. She dips the paper towel in the paint can and rubs it on the wall. What the fuck ever.

And on the hardwood floors in the living room she has taken those “self stick” tiles you get at the dollar store 4 for $1.00, and stuck them down. She only has 12 tiles “so far”. Paul said he did not see a coffin – but he didn’t go upstairs. So it must be up there. Paul said the vine curtain rods look *really* creepy from the inside, because you get the full effect of the dead leaves.

I am going to make an excuse to go over there with the camera. I really am. I really want to see the dried blood wall and make sure that shit is paint.


9 Responses to “Inside the Zombie House”

  1. holy toledo said

    DON’T GO

  2. Gail said

    GO want pictures stove beside sink no call fire dept no phone no house number. She burn down.

    Hubby vacumming, yeah really, as he Hell better be since I am cooking a damned dinner for 3 of his friends from Singapore who we have to prove that the food in the USA is better than what they call food in Singapore!

  3. skweekie said

    Send Juror #10 to the Zombie house. He talk very slowly, no? He write in many notebooks, no? He will prove that Phil Spector was not responsible for the blood-painted wall, no?

  4. groo said

    You want your wood stove next to the sink so you can heat water on it, no?

    Did you get over the smell of meat bothering you? Or do sausages not trigger it?

  5. jamie said

    You and your neightbor stories, crack me up! 🙂

  6. lovey von doodlesocks said

    Kim, I actually have the book “Knitting with Dog Hair” by Kendall Crolius and Anne Montgomery. LOL! I just pulled it off my bookshelf and opened it up. Here’s what it says about “Brewster” Hair – “Is there a more popular all-around dog than these intelligent, sweet-tempered beasts? Everyone loves Labs-except, perhaps, anxious spinners in search of some quality frizz. If they’d known you’d wanted it, these genial dogs undoubtedly would have tried to grow it for you. Sprinkle the short undercoat with affection, and the resulting yarn is sure to warm your heart.” – so there you go – now you know what to do with all that hair you’ve been saving up in the 5 months you haven’t touched your vacuum. You knit dog hair sweater for Paul, no?

  7. luvgabe said

    LOL. Hilarious, as usual, Kim! Can’t wait to see photos of the Vampire Lady’s house! Thanks for the laughs 🙂

  8. dj gray said

    Do not-I repeat- do not let Paul go to the VooDoo house alone. Give him a little job to do, such as vacuuming the stairs, whatnot… I just don’t think he should be left alone with her- he’s too naive… and I mean that in the most poositive sense.


    Perhaps she is Phil Spector’s latest mistress…one never knows, no?

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