The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Paul Can’t Listen – And I Sew For Cute Kids

Posted by thedarwinexception on September 4, 2007

Paul never listens to me. Never. I tell him something and he’ll look at me, say “yeah, yeah, yeah” then dismiss what I’ve said out of hand. Why he thinks that I have nothing valid to offer on any subject whatsoever is beyond me. I know him. I know how he thinks and what he’s capable of and what’s going to come back to bite him in the ass. If he listened to me once in a while, he would realize that I’m generally always right, that I know what the hell I’m talking about, and maybe – just maybe – he wouldn’t end up hearing  me sing the “I Told You So” song so often.

Sunday he wanted to move the van out of the driveway to the back lot. Now, I hear shit. I hear the conversations he and his buddies have when they’re sitting around drinking beer and making wild ass pipe dream plans. I know that one of the wild and stupid fucking ideas they’ve come up with is to move the van to the back of the Harley barn, putting it under the door that is on the top floor of the barn, and using the roof of the van as a deck. Yeah, I know, no fucking kidding. Stupid ass goofy fucking idea. Who would do this? Only a bunch of drunk teenagers, that’s who.

But I’ve heard the rumors that this is what Paul wanted to do. Or at least what his drunk buddies have been suggesting he do.

So Sunday, he decides that today is the day he’s going to “get that damned truck out of the driveway. I say “Why?” Like I don’t know anything about the “truck as deck” hare brained scheme. He says “Oh, it’s just an eyesore there – it will widen the driveway up – we need the room in the driveway.” Uh-huh.

So I tell him – “Look, Paul, don’t move that thing all the way around back – the satellite dish is on that pole smack dab in the middle of the pathway that goes behind the barn – and there’s not enough clearance there, you’re either going to end up hitting the pole or hitting the barn, and neither one is going to end well. If you really need to move the van just to make room in the driveway, move it to right behind the house.”

He looks at me and says “yeah, yeah, yeah”, which means “Get our your dancing shoes, baby, because you’re going to be singing the “I told you so” song.”

He’s moving the van (with the help of two or three of his buddies who are no brighter than he is), and I’m in the house, when all of a sudden the satellite dish goes out. Now why in the world would that be? Why would something like that happen – for the satellite dish to all of a sudden go out just like that? Any guesses?

So I go out back, and the van is in parked all nice like behind the house – in the exact spot I told Paul to park it to begin with if he really felt he needed to move it at all, and everyone is acting all nonchalant, like nothing just happened.

I say to Paul “The satellite dish is out.”

He looks at me and says “Yeah, I bumped it.”

He “bumped” it. The fuck he “bumped” it. The fucking pole was laying on it’s side on the ground. Bumped it? Kiss my ass.

I didn’t say another word. I came in the house to call the Dish people to come and fix it. Paul came in after me, I think he knew how pissed I was. When I’m a little pissed or even not pissed at all, I’ll yell at him or say something sarcastic, or argue with him or even just break out into singing the “I told You So” song. If I’m more than a little pissed, well, I don’t say anything at all, since I’m way too sarcastic and way too volatile to be trusted to say anything to anyone if I’m really fucking mad.

But I was really mad – in fact, I was livid. Because it takes the Dish people a week to get out here to fix the dish. Minimum. And closing arguments start Wednesday in the Spector trial, and I don’t like living without TV. It sucks. I hate it. And to live without it for a week because a bunch of fucking drunk morons want to use a fucking van as a fucking drinking deck? When I TOLD the son of a bitch not to fucking try it to begin with? Yeah, I was more than mad.

So Paul followed me in the house and sat on the couch next to me as I waited on hold for the Dish people for like 20 minutes. When I finally got them on the line, I was so pissed that when they asked how they could help me, I said “Some moron backed over into my goddamned pole that holds my dish – I need you to come out and here and fix it RIGHT NOW. The asshole that broke it is willing to pay extra if you can be here by Wednesday.”

They refused my offer to pay extra – but they are going to be here Wednesday morning.

And Paul tried to go out and fix the dish. He put up a new pole and mounted the dish onto the new pole and tried to aim the Dish the right way. It half worked, I can get channels on the higher band, but not the local, lower channels. Which means Court TV comes in, so even though I’m still pissed, at least I got someplace below livid and I didn’t have to waste an opportunity to sing and dance to the “I Told You So” song.

He really should just listen to me to begin with, you know. He really should.

In other news, I got a picture of my friend’s little girl wearing the crazy outfit I made her with all the psychedelic colors and prints. How adorable is this little girl? She’s so cute she’s outlawed in 5 states, you know.

It really, really pays to make clothes for beautiful children. No one notices the clothes – they’re too busy saying “Oh my God! Look at how gorgeous she is!” I could make the ugliest damned outfit in the world, slap it on this kid and every one of you would say “Oh, yeah, Kim, the outfit is nice – But HOW CUTE IS THAT KID!”

I need to find an ugly kid to sew for, so I can really test my sewing skills. I need to hear at least once “Wow – ugly kid – but man, that outfit is GORGEOUS!” *Then* I’ll know I have some sewing skills!


17 Responses to “Paul Can’t Listen – And I Sew For Cute Kids”

  1. Lisa Ann said

    Kid? There was a kid in that picture? All I saw was the cute outfit.

    Okay, I suck at brown-nosing, don’t I? Cute kid – but also wearing a very cute outfit.

    Finally, can you share the lyrics of the “I told you so” song? Or do you just sing “I told you so, I told you so, I told you so, you fucking moron” repeatedly? I’m pretty sure I know the tune and dance, just wondered if there were more lyrics to the song.

    Great entry as usual.

    Lisa Ann

  2. Finally, can you share the lyrics of the “I told you so” song? Or do you just sing “I told you so, I told you so, I told you so, you fucking moron” repeatedly? I’m pretty sure I know the tune and dance, just wondered if there were more lyrics to the song.

    Oh – there are many, many versions of the “I Told You So” song – or maybe it’s just that I, personally, get to sing it so fucking often that I get to change it up every once in a while, because, really, when you’re singing this fucking song once a day for 20 years, well, you do have to change it up every once in a while. But this is the basic song, you can add or subtract as needed.

    I told you so!
    I told you so!
    I get to say “I told you so!”
    You never listen to me – you never think I’m right
    It always ends so badly, it ends up in a fight
    But I told you so, I told you so, I get to say I told you so
    And sometimes that’s just fine – now don’t sit there and whine
    Because I Told you so, I told you so, you get to hear I told you so!
    If just once you’d listen to me – you wouldn’t look so gloomy
    Cuz I told you so, I told you so, you know it – yes, I told you so……

    repeat until the other person breaks down and cries.


  3. Julie said

    That kid sure is gorgeous… I’ll bet her mom is a real knockout, too! (hee hee!)

    (mother of the adorable kid)

  4. Julie said

    But seriously…

    I had no fewer than four comments on how adorable the outfit is, Kim. And that was with only running about half of the usual errands after Kindergarten that we usually run. It’s a frickin’ ADORABLE outfit, and I love, love, LOVE it!

    As far as the “I Told You So” song, I should have a lyric or three cross-stitched onto a pillow for the couch. That way, instead of singing the song every time my husband does some dumbass thing that would warrant my shrieking the song at him, I could just throw the pillow at his head.

    (Then again, perhaps I should have some lyrics etched onto a frying pan. Same idea, different implement, more of a lasting impression made on the husband. Hmmmmm….)


  5. ROTFL Kim…

    oh and that’s one cute kid, I mean outfit…I mean both!

    Have a great one!

    With friendship,

  6. Hank said

    That kid sure is gorgeous… I’ll bet her mom is a real knockout, too!

    Yeah, let’s see a picture of the mother.

  7. Sprocket said

    That is a cute kid AND a cute outfit. No way do I have the talent or the patience to sew clothing. I just learned how to use my rolled hem foot on my overlock machine, and am making delicate linen hankerchiefs that I plan to add embroidering around the edges.

    But onto that satellite dish. Your husband sounds almost EXACTLY like mine, except….he would have made a gawd awful mess in the process that he would procrastinate on picking up. Four weeks from now, the mess would still be there.

  8. Janice said

    WOW – that is really an adorable outfit…. You are extremely talented and creative.

    I love the colors and it sure looks like your cute lil model likes the outfit also…


  9. NEsleuth said

    Thank God you’re going to be watching with us today! I was getting set to get tickets to fly down and help you with the frying pan idea. Now I can relax because I won’t miss any of your great commentary!

    Great outfit, too! (yea, yea, the kids’s cute!)

  10. Gail said

    Kim that is one darling little girl in an adorable outfit! Your creation reminds me of ‘Fichelle’ designer clothing made for children years ago. I’m dating myself. It takes a lot of talent to put different patterns of material together, and you have it!

    (for correct spelling of ‘F’ clothing, I would have to go to the attic, but it is too hot)

    ps-keep Paul away from the cable for cripes sake–;)

    I am now one official dimissed juror as of yesterday yea yea, as I knew the defendant, infact he had been one of our doctors years ago for a very short time as I thought he was a quack! He is now being sued for the death of a patient. 😦

  11. groo said

    Wow, that is one incredibly cute kid.

    She’d probably grow up to be an axe murderer, except she’ll pull out old photos of herself and say “I can’t be an axe murderer because it would desecrate the memory of that great outfit that woman with the imbecile husband made for me.”

  12. Marie said

    Did Paul finally toss you in the woodchipper? I’m just missing the daily dose of Darwinexception…Hope you’re ok… Hope the cable is working….
    We’ll know who did it if you are missing…

  13. A.D.A. said

    Oh. PLEASE report on today. I watched it myself. If you missed it, I can’t bear it!!

  14. If you missed it, I can’t bear it!!

    Oh ye of little faith.

    I’d crawl on my hand and knees to California before I would miss one minute of closings.

    Especially tomorrow. If I was LKB I’d throw *myself* into a fucking woodchipper.


  15. Hope the cable is working….

    Yes, the cable is working. The guy showed up at 20 of 12 and I told him “Look, bud, you’ve got about 17 minutes to fix this thing – after that, I’m afraid you’re going to have to leave because I’m locking the door and taking the phone off the hook.

    About 3 minutes to noon he was done and the tone was blaring on KTLA. He asked if he could use the bathroom before he left, and I told him “as long as it’s a quick piss and not some after lunch poop – because you’ve only got 2 minutes.”

    He laughed, but he was out of here by noon – even after going pee.


  16. Catherine said

    Hey Kim,
    I was just trying to type that even I would look cute in that outfit! Please just delete or leave out my attempt at a comment. I am too excited about reading todays post. Thanks for all your fun writing and observations!

  17. Hactar said

    Julie wrote on September 4th, 2007 at 8:12 pm

    >(Then again, perhaps I should have some lyrics etched onto a frying
    > pan. Same idea, different implement, more of a lasting impression
    > made on the husband. Hmmmmm….)

    Embossed, in reverse.

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