The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Big Bird is dead, Holly to Follow

Posted by thedarwinexception on August 24, 2007

 So I finally got some pictures of the new cabinet unit in the sewing room! I really like the unit a lot – it opens up the sewing room quite a bit, and makes it roomier. And I love that all of the bookshelves are out of there, now. They are all downstairs now, which makes a lot more sense and makes it much better in the sewing room.

I also took all the African stuff out of the sewing room and put it all in the TV room. But now the sewing room walls are bare, bare, bare. I need some stuff to put on the walls! And I can’t think of a thing! If you can think of any little “decor” items I could decorate with, let me know. I was thinking maybe a thimble collection on one of those little shelf things, but I can’t see just stumbling across a whole thimble collection. Those things take like years to collect.

Then I was thinking maybe some old sewing machine ads – those would be cool, huh? But I don’t know – I need some ideas. But here’s the bare walled sewing room with the new cabinet unit.

And I am almost done with the yellow Hobbes hoodie. I am just doing the button bands now, and then I will sew it together and be done!


Next up in knitting is hats and mittens – with some great fun fur yarn I found.


In crazy neighbor lady news, no, she did not celebrate the Ukrainian New Year, as far as I could tell. I mean, she didn’t run around waving a flag or lighting fireworks or anything, and to be fair, I don’t know what celebrating the Ukrainian New Year would consist of. But does Big Bird have anything to do with it? Because all of a sudden, crazy fucking neighbor lady has a Big Bird head on a stick inside her front door. I don’t know if that’s some kind of crazy New Year’s Celebration, or to ward off the neighbors that she is convinced are peeking in her windows. To be truthful, if it’s to ward off neighbor’s from peeking in her window, well, it’s working for me.


And it’s not *just* that she thinks the neighbors are peeking in her windows. She thinks that they are *hovering* over the ground and peeking in her windows. I tried to tell her that I’ve never seen the neighbors “hover”, but you can’t tell this loony bitch nothing. She swears up and down that she saw them peeking in one window, and as she rushed to catch them, she saw them peeking in *another* window, and that their feet never touched the ground as they glided from window to window.

And she is also convinced that they were looking in her *Second story* windows, too, which is why she believes that they “hover”. You know, I’m really, really surprised this bitch lives alone. I think she needs a little more supervision than she has.

And speaking of people who need supervision – guess who got nabbed shoplifting at K-Mart? And no, it’s not the pregnant thief. (This time).  No, this time it was Todd!!! Rainman *AND* the blind girlfriend. Which, really, if you are going to go shoplifting, I don’t think it’s really wise to bring along some blind person. I mean, what was she, the lookout? Fucking goofy, both of them. I mean, I can’t even imagine how the hell they *didn’t* get caught, what with him taking something off the shelf and getting all spastic trying to shove it under his shirt or down his pants, and her yelling out “Did you take it yet? Did you take it yet?” Them shoplifting sounds like a fucking scene straight out of a Coen brothers movie. Or maybe the Farrelly brothers. Either way, why I’m the fucking co-star is beyond me.

In other news, Holly the Horse is swiftly wearing out her welcome. She’s a chewer. I understand she’s a puppy and puppies do this sort of thing, but this fucking dog chews on EVERYTHING – like stairs, pillows, mattresses, shoes, books, clothes, cups, Gatorade bottles….if it’s anywhere in her line of sight, she chews on it. Paul went in to the bedroom the other day to find what looked like a chicken massacre in there. Holly had chewed a hole through the down comforter that was on the end of the bed. She’s lucky my new comforter set wasn’t on the bed, because if she had chewed that, well, I would have fucking thrown her ass out the door with her belongings in a bandana. And you can’t really spank her – she doesn’t know what the fuck is going on. I just yelled at her like a madwoman while she sat there cocking her head at me with her tongue hanging out. The neighbors have to think I’ve lost my mind – I was screaming at Holly “You’re a bad girl! Bad! Chewing is BAD! How would you like me to ship your ass to Virginia? HUH? Would you like Michael Vick to be your new Daddy? HUH? Because he’s looking for some new dogs! He LIKES BAD dogs! And you’re a bad Dog!” And it didn’t help that by this time Paul was laughing at me. I didn’t see the fucking humor in it. Stupid chewing ass dog.

So, if you have any thoughts on how I can make this stupid ass dog stop chewing on everything in sight, I’m taking suggestions on that, too. If she doesn’t quit soon I’m sending her ass next door. We’ll see how long it takes for a second stick with *her* head on it to be in the doorway.






27 Responses to “Big Bird is dead, Holly to Follow”

  1. pattymac said

    You had me all misty-eyed looking at Hobbes hoodie and then I got to Rainman and his blind girlfriend. Please, please let there be a surveillance tape and let it get on Youtube.


  2. patsy said

    Hilarious as always! Try hot sauce. You dab a bit onto her favorite chewing areas like the stairs etc., she’ll soon stop. (Unless of course, she develops a taste for the stuff!)

  3. Healer said

    LOL I love, love, love your humor! LOL… K – now, about the puppy chew-baby… time to get this puppy a Kong – and you can fill it with peanut butter… try this first and let me know how it works out. Kongs are online – or any fairly well known pet store… This will keep baby busy -just make sure to have plenty of peanut butter on hand (buy the BIG jars – yes, plural). Oh, and make sure to get the Kong that looks like a bone, not the big Whopper one – that is TOO big… don’t get the little ones/the tiny ones either…. Hope that makes sense. Email me w/any ?’s. Michael Vick… LOL YOU are fucking funny I mean you ARE SNL when it really was funny and there some good stuff around to make it even funnier! Thanks for sharing YOU with all of us!

  4. Crate training and rawhide. At least I think that works. None of my dogs have been chewers of non-rawhide items beyond early puppy-hood, although this can be explained in part by my habit of paving the family room with rawhide chewies. Even in puppy-hood the only thing any of them ever did noticeable damage to was the Monks of New Skete’s puppy training book.

  5. Holy Toledo said

    Aren’t you going to hang up the ribbons and certificates from the fair? I’d offer to mat and frame them but I’m too far away. I like the thimble idea. What about Ebay? You might be able to find a whole collection there.

    I think neighbor is using big bird as sort of a scarecrow; she’s obviously got a lot of paranoia going on. Taking pictures might make it worse but also more interesting. Just don’t get hurt. Paranoid people are the most dangerous of all the mentally ill.

    I don’t know anything about dogs; I have a cat but a friend of mine is a huge dog expert and I think she used that peanut butter contraption successfully with her dogs.

    Looking forward to a Sunday column.


  6. Kitt said

    The Kong ball and the crate training/rawhide are good ideas.

    You can also buy bitter-tasting spray to apply to things that the dog may go after (or has gone after), which will ward them away from the objects. I believe it’s fabric safe, but read the bottle. Do a search for “bitter apple spray” and it’ll come up.

    Hope that helps!

  7. Kitt said

    P.S. Unrelated: Though I doubt they’ll remember, a few days ago I had reason to cross paths with the ladies who run Court TV’s morning program. I told them they had to check out your Spector coverage. So if you get a call, you know where it got started.

  8. Veronique said

    My family had a chewing dog who finally slowed down, although in her tenth year, she ate the kitchen wall. I second the suggestions of a crate and copious amounts of rawhide– give her an acceptable outlet, and don’t leave her alone until she’s a year old and past both teething and being a teenager.


  9. A.D.A. said

    You are riotously funny!

  10. Please, please let there be a surveillance tape and let it get on Youtube.

    Wouldn’t that be the most awesome fucking thing? I’d *pay* to see that tape. I really would.

    I need to go get a job at KMart just on the off chance they’d let me watch it….then I’d quit.


  11. time to get this puppy a Kong

    You know, Milo has a Kong ball somewhere around here, too. But it’s like a little round ball thing – do they come in other shapes and sizes?


  12. Aren’t you going to hang up the ribbons and certificates from the fair?

    Yeah, those are those frames you see on the upper lip of the cabinet unit thing. I want Paul to hang them up – I even bought little finishing nails, but you know how that goes. I’ll end up doing it myself if I want it done, that’s a fucking given.

    You might be able to find a whole collection there.

    I did find a couple of collections on Ebay – even some with shadowboxes included, and that’s a bonus.

    I just don’t know if I need another “collection” – as it is, I collect those stupid ass Hallmark Teddy things, salt and pepper shakers, cookie jars, teapots, and books – don’t forget books. Another collection? Good lord.

    Maybe I should change my admission thing for the blog, instead of a nickel, I should have everyone send me a thimble from their home state or country – that way, I’d have a bunch of thinbles, and I’d have a collection of where everyone is from.

    Taking pictures might make it worse but also more interesting. Just don’t get hurt.

    She didn’t see me take the pictures – I don’t go too near her when she’s out and about. I’m not afraid she’s going to hurt me, just that she’s going to suck the life force out of me – zombies do that shit, you know.

    Damned zombies.



  13. You can also buy bitter-tasting spray to apply to things that the dog may go after (or has gone after), which will ward them away from the objects. I believe it’s fabric safe, but read the bottle. Do a search for “bitter apple spray” and it’ll come up.

    We have that! One of Paul’s friends gave it to us for Brewster – Brew gets hot spots every summer from his allergies, and he chews himself raw. Dan gave us the bitter apple spray to spray on his hot spots, and it really helped. But, of course, now Brew is afraid of his back.

    We sprayed the spray on the stairs where Holly was chewing, and that stopped her from chewing there, it’s just that I’d have to like flea dip the whole house in apple bitter spray because you never know what she’s going to find suitable for chewing – the bitch chewed the logs that were in the holder next to the wood stove. I thought the ceiling finally did cave in from the weight of the books when I went downstairs one day – there was fucking wood chips all over.

    I thought it was a message Paul left before he went to work “It’s the woodchipper, tonight, bitch.”


  14. So if you get a call, you know where it got started.

    OK – if I get a call – you’re the one I’ll blame.


  15. annie said

    Hi Kim,

    You’re hilarious, as usual. Kongs come in different sizes and shapes, so don’t get one small enough she can choke on! Spray cheese works good in them for a change of pace. You wouldn’t belive the things I gave my big dogs to chew on, like plastic garbage can lids, and three foot branches of trees. Big dogs can go through a piece of rawhide in about two seconds. You have to come up with some sturdy chew toys for these big ones! Knotted mens knee high work socks worked pretty well, too. They also make puzzle cube treat toys that they have to work to get the treat out of, and that keeps them busy for a while.

    I’m a crate training believer, and also believe in behavior modification training, like clicker training. There are lots of good training sites online that use behaviour modification, and I have a few other ideas that might work if you want to email me. The chewing is something she will Probably grow out of, but the fact that she’s chewing everything means she needs some training to know what’s acceptable and not. It CAN be learned.

    Love your blog!

  16. Sprocket said

    Oh. My. Gawd. Coen brother’s movie. Life in Malone doesn’t get any wackier than this! Thanks for sharing Kim, lol!

    Doggies that chew like this could be suffering from separation anxiety, each time they are left alone even for short periods. It takes time to correct, and lots of one on one walking time. There are anti-anxiety herbal preperations that can help. I’ll check with my friends who use them to see if I can find out exactly what you need to get.

  17. Gail said

    Kim, I’m going to laugh all day! You are good medicine for me, LOL!

    Beware of the rawhide cheweys, Lord only knows what goes into the processing.

    Puppies are like children they are what they eat and CHEW! When the dog food scare happened, we took our Zowie to the vet as she was throwing up a bit and we became very concerned. Xrays showed bits of hide embedded in her intestines. Especially bad are the pieces of rawhide, which are dyed dark shitty brown red. (can we even trust China anymore?) if that is where they come from?) I think they do.

    Vet advised, we make her food, which we immediately set forth to do, following his recipe. Our Zowie is completely a different dog. Zowie is now calm-non chewing, not even barking dog, as she use to bark her head off and pester all the time, and especially wanting more rawhide. I swear it was a miracle, she is so very different now.

    For chewing, buy bones from the butcher, boil for awhile to remove some of the marrow, or to just clean them up a bit. I forget what the vet called them, maybe marrow bones, anyway the butcher will know what you want. They are in the meat cases at most grocery stores and are very cheap.

    Dog Food Recipe for a Healthy Well Adjusted Dog! I doubled the recipe, divided, and froze.

    2 chickens, slow boil, take meat off bones
    4 cups old fashioned rolled oats (cooked)
    4 cups long cooking brown rice
    2 cans green beans
    2 cans peas
    10 carrots cooked
    2 cans sweet yams, drain and rinse

    Take the biggest bowl you can find, and I mean BIG chop up the best you are able LOL

    Remove fat from the chicken broth, add some (broth not fat) to the mess above to moisten. I freeze the reamining broth to use in cooking or make some chicken soup for your neighbor. Chicken soup cures most everything 😉 -well most everything, LOL!

    Divide the new healthy dog food into daily portions, store in the freezer. When serving top with some flax oil. Health food stores sell it, ‘flax oil for animals’, add according to the weight of animal.

    I can almost guarantee, a new Holly! And maybe for ‘Holly the Horse’, you will have to quadruple the double recipe!!

    If your dog/s start to put on too much wieght, cut the carbs a bit.

    If this takes over your life and time and you cannot give the trial updates, forget it! 😉

  18. Healer said

    You know, Milo has a Kong ball somewhere around here, too. But it’s like a little round ball thing – do they come in other shapes and sizes?


    Hi Kim,

    Yes! They do… get the one that looks like the bone (it’s red)… I say this as I have alot of experience here LOL – have 3 dogs and the ball is good for an older dog as the ‘hole’ where the goodies go is small and my senior dog loves making love to that one to get her peanut butter out, BUT a pup would do better with the ‘bone’ looking kong, I think. Kongs are good for the dog as they are made not to fall apart, keep gums in good order as they are soft enough BUT won’t come apart (google it:) – and they last forever… Peanut butter is their very favorite around here but try the canned cheese, too. My dogs love their kongs, and anytime I need for them to go into the world of ‘distraction’ the Kong enters the scene and it works everytime… Just keep filling them up and you won’t believe how well they distract! Try the one you have if you have some p-butter and see what chew-baby thinks, but also try the bone shaped one… Holes are bigger and it’s just more puppy-friendly!

    🙂 Healer

  19. Healer said

    Kim – please be careful with rawhides… they are made from who knows what and they can get lodged in your chew-baby.

  20. Veronique said

    We never had problems with rawhide, but we did buy big “natural” (undyed, unflavored) rawhide, and god knows nowadays, you have to make sure it’s made in the US not China. For a big dog, buy the dinosaur-sized ones. From the butcher, get a knucklebone. It’s basically a big round joint (a cow’s knee, I think) and our super-chewer took an entire day to get through one. With a variety of chewtoys, and bitter apple on table legs and the woodpile, you stand a good chance of redirecting Holly to an acceptable outlet. In addition to the Kong suggestion, I’d also get a Nylabone. And for Holly, I’d buy everything in extra-super-large size.


  21. njgill said

    you can also get a ball that you put “cookies” inside of – it has holes just big enough that once in a while a treat will fall out. this keeps the dog intersted in it, and very little else. eventually, you can stop putting cookies in it.

  22. coco said

    Well, can’t help much with the puppy chewing as I once had a Welsh Corgi eat a whole set of patio furniture (seriously, not chew, but EAT)

    BUT, if she evers starts eating her own poop, you’re supposed to put a teaspoon of MSG on it take make it NOT TASTE GOOD!

    Makes one think twice about eating Chinese again, right?


  23. Glenda said

    I’d definitely try the big red kong thing (that didn’t come out right!) My daughter’s Theo the Big White Dog loves his and he is part pit and can chew through anything–including all the wood trim on my french doors.
    Max the Wonder Pug loves the Nylabones and they will keep his wimpy self busy for hours. Theo the Giant snaps those in 2 seconds.
    While I don’t crate MWP, both of my daughters crate their dogs and swear by it for keeping bad behavior at bay while mom is away.
    Of course Casaer the Dog Whisperer would say, Holly is not getting enough exercise–must walk the dog at least twice a day for 30-45 minutes. I’m a firm believer in exercise for a dog, but really who has this kind of time???

  24. Glenda said

    For your walls–how about framing some old sewing pattern envelopes? Surely you could find some of those at a flea market or antique store? Be fun to see some of the old fashions and how much those patterns used to cost.

  25. Sea said

    Just make sure the rawhide is made in the USA, some rawhide from other countries is processed with chemicals not approved in the US. Avoid the ones that are “flavored” and things like the pigs ears, etc. Had a dog die from gastroenteritis from that a long time ago. Enjoying your blog and you keep me in “stitches” (pardon the pun) with your loopy neighbor.

  26. Malonite said

    LMAO Kim,

    I love reading your blogs. I get a huge kick out of you describing Todd and his girlfriend shoplifting at Kmart, if some of the other readers ever saw them, i’m sure they’d be rolling on the floor in tears at your description, like I am right now. Welcome to this strange little place we call Malone!

    BTW, have you ever thought that the previous owner was giving Holly away for a reason, like her parents and sibblings chewed the house apart? Could explain the condition of some of the places up and down Duane Street…….Hmmmmmmmmmm

  27. BTW, have you ever thought that the previous owner was giving Holly away for a reason, like her parents and sibblings chewed the house apart?

    This is true, you know. I should have asked to see the condition of their stairs before I agreed to take her.

    When I got her, she was tied out back to a tree. I think I’m going to go back over there and check that tree out a little closer. See how big the tree was *before* they tied her to it.

    Glad you are enjoying the blog – and remember, when you see Rainman – TELL HIM TO COME GET HIS FUCKING MATTRESS.


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