The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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How to Survive A Zombie with a Boppy

Posted by thedarwinexception on August 18, 2007

So I have made my first “Boppy Cover”. Don’t know what a “boppy” is? Neither did I. It’s a “feeding pillow”.

My buddy Val needed to cover one for a friend’s shower gift, so I told her I would do it for her. It was easy peazy. Took all of 10 minutes, even putting in a zipper. The instructions for the cover are here, and I’d recommend them if you ever need a boppy cover. It takes longer to print out the pattern pieces and pin them together than it does to make the boppy cover itself.

And if Val asks you to make something for her – do it. She brings pickles and brownies, and her gorgeous little boy when she drops off and picks up stuff.

Of course, I fear she may have been coming over simply for the tour – you know “Here we see the zombie lady’s garden, notice, if you will, the mug planted in the center of the ring of weeds.”.

“ooooohhh, ahhhhhhhh.”

“On your left you will see Rainman’s mattresses, left when he moved out.”

“oooooohhhhhhh, aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.”

“Please sign this disclaimer holding us non responsible if the life force gets sucked out of you, and we shall sneak down to the back of the house where we will find, hanging on the farthest wall, the zombie lady’s mailbox.

“ooooohhh, ahhhhhhhh.”

But Val was *extremely* excited because when she came to pick up the newly covered Boppy, the Zombie lady herself was sitting on her porch, surrounded by her newly purchased solar garden lights, which she takes in at night for light in the house, so she can listen to her battery powered radio, soon to be powered by the microwaves from the sun. And Val told me that there is no such thing as microwaves from the sun. And I believe her because, you know, she’s fucking sane. I tried to get Val and her friend to go pose with the zombie lady so I could take a picture, but they wouldn’t get that close.

And we made the zombie lady speak – Val and her friend agreed that she sounds Russian. Not proof positive, but I still think she’s Russian.

Oh, and the “Zombie Survival Guide?” Not a joke, Val really did bring me one. It’s like a 300 page long book of how to survive a Zombie attack. With actual cases where people were either successful or not. There are even a couple of known zombie clans in Russia. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

But just in case you are reading because you have your *own* zombie neighbor – here are the “10 Lessons to Surviving A Zombie Attack”. But you really should buy the book – I can’t reproduce all the valuable information here.

  1. Organize Before they Rise!

  2. They Feel No Fear, Why Should You?

  3. Use your head, cut off theirs

  4. Blades Don’t Need Reloading

  5. Ideal Protection – tight clothes, short hair

  6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it

  7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike

  8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!

  9. No place is safe, only safer

  10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

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10 Responses to “How to Survive A Zombie with a Boppy”

  1. groo said

    I’m pretty sure that the sun does emit some microwaves (although it would be a very, very, very small fraction of the sun’s total radiation). But I also suspect that they don’t make it through the Earth’s atmosphere. I don’t know for sure…we should ask on afca.

  2. I don’t know for sure…we should ask on afca.

    Go ahead and ask – I wouldn’t even know how to word it – and also ask what Vermeer has to do with it – because I’ve been lying awake nights trying to figure it out, and dammit I need the sleep.

    Kim

  3. […] Who knew zombies had babies?  Or that they nurse?  No wonder they need all those brains. […]

  4. Hank said

    So, why don’t you just ask the zombie lady if she is Russian? You’ve already invited her into your house; things can’t get any worse.

  5. Sprocket said

    Hi Kim,

    Cute print for the little cushion/baby feeding thingy. That thing looks exactly like the face rest cradle cushion on my massage table….minus the baby print, of course.

  6. Valerie said

    OMG Kim they totally loved the bunting!! Everyone was oohhing and awwing and asking me if i made it. I said “hell no do i look that talented?” lol One lady was going to ask me to make her own before i said i didn’t make it… i should send her to you. The boppy cover was a big hit too. I can’t believe so many people don’t know what a boppy is. It’s like the #1 baby gift/product right now. You should really make a whole bunch of them and sell them on ebay. The stores want anywhere from $15-20 bucks for those covers and the pillows only cost like $20-25.

  7. OMG Kim they totally loved the bunting!!

    I’m So Glad!!!! And thanks for sending the pictures – looks like they had a wonderful shower and got *TONS* of stuff! With all those clothes the kid will be set for at least a year!

    Everyone was oohhing and awwing and asking me if i made it. I said “hell no do i look that talented?”

    Boy you aren’t me – I would have taken credit no problem. “Sure I made it – with all my spare time after working 40 hours a week, taking care of my baby, taking care of my house, taking care of my husband – Because I’m just THAT GOOD – want me to make you one?”

    You should really make a whole bunch of them and sell them on ebay.

    Ehhhhhh….then it would be work. I hate to sell my sewing or knitting because then it’s like a job and I automatically hate doing it because “JOB” = “WORK” = “I HATE THIS”. Too much pressure and deadlines and “having” to get something done.

    I just like sewing at my leisure for friends. Then it’s “FUN”.

    But I’m *REALLY* glad they liked the bunting. Now I have good memories of it and can feel good about it, even thugh I hated it when I finished it.

    Kim

  8. Carolina said

    And people say all of the crazy, loopy folks migrate to the Left Coast.. gravitational pull ya know. Hey, I have solar lights in my garden and they don’t put out a LOT of light, sort of a “glow”

  9. I wondered how much actual light those things put out. And how long do they last? Assuming they are outside all day, once she takes them inside at night, how long would they contiune to “glow”?

    Kim

  10. Carolina said

    Since I am an insomniac I am able to answer that: They start out with the strongest “glow” when they come on, and depending upon the hours of daylight they have been exposed to, they can continue illumination until dawn. However, the quality of the glow is greatly diminshed as the night progresses. Here in Portland, OR it stays light until after 10 in the summertime so we have maximum charge conditions. I have about 20 lantern-style in my backyard lining the walkway from the back to the front yard and it is bright enough to keep you from running into a tree but not bright enough to read and of course like anything else the better quality the solar light collector, the brighter the glow. Chances are the Zombie queen didn’t go for the top quality brand.

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