Sorry I didn’t post the answers at 6:00 pm as I said I would – I got treated to Chinese as a peace offering from Paul. And I can’t turn down a peace offering – well, ok, it’s really that I can’t turn down Chinese, although I *did* turn it down earlier in the day, it was only a coincidence that Paul offered Chinese as a peace offering when I was kicking myself in the ass for turning down Chinese earlier in the day, but let’s start at the beginning……
Number one – I’m nowhere near fucking bitchy enough, if you can believe that. I need to jack this shit up some more, if that’s even possible. I now have *TWO* BFF’s, and, frankly I don’t even want one. And certainly not either one of these.
So, Paul has this friend and this friend has a girlfriend. I’ve only met this bitch twice in my whole life, and all of sudden, she’s like coming over here, crying on my shoulder, telling me all her problems, and calling me “Kimmer”, What the fucking fuck is that??? And even better than that? She’s one of those people who, when they *finally* fucking leave says “Love Ya!” LOVE YA??? What the hell? I’ve met you all of three times, you come over here and ask for advice about all your stupid fucking problems, I pretend to pay attention and then say “Huh. That’s too bad, ya got me, I don’t fucking know what you should do…” And when you *FINALLY* fucking leave you say “Bye Kimmer – Love Ya!” Shut the fuck up and get out of here.
So Friday I decided – Fuck this – if she comes over here again, I’m just not answering the fucking door. Let her go find some other place to spill her fucking guts – I really don’t want to fucking hear this shit anymore. So she comes over, knocks on the door, the dogs start barking like fucking lunatics and she WALKS RIGHT IN. Walks right in!!!! What the hell???
I come down the stairs because I figure – well, fuck, that has to be Paul – although why Paul would knock before he came in is fucking beyond me…but I figure it has to be him.
I get down to the bottom of the stairs, and she’s starting to drag her fat ass up the stairs – and she says “Oh, I thought you were in the bathroom or something…” And like…what? So she was going to come up and wipe my ass or what?
So I say “Damn! I really have to get a fucking lock for that door.” And she LAUGHS. Yeah, that’s really funny you stupid bitch. Hilarious.
Finally I get her out of the house (“Bye Kimmer – Love Ya!” – yeah you’re going to love my fucking new deadbolt, too, bitch.) and I figure, “Well, cool, I’ve gotten rid of her ass for the day, at least now I can knit or sew and have no more fucking interruptions”, and here comes crazy ass zombie neighbor lady.
Zombie lady wants to know if I want to go to the Chinese Buffet with her, and let me tell ya, I know exactly how Jesus felt when he was in the desert for like 20 years or whatever it was with no water, and here comes Satan to tempt him. Because that had to be exactly what this was like.
On the one hand, well, it’s fucking Chinese BUFFET. Only the most incredible thing in like the whole town of Malone.
On the other hand, it’s fucking zombie lady.
On the one hand, it’s fucking sweet and sour chicken and pork fried rice and ice cream and those little melon balls and won ton fucking soup.
On the other hand, it’s a fucking Bob Marley tapestry slapped on her fucking ass. And you know she’s probably going to like steal a coffee mug for the garden, and damn, you can’t understand a thing she fucking says, and do you really want to eat in front of her? Or listen to her talk about fucking microwaves and National Grid and the vast conspiracy they have to silence her grand idea?
No – no, don’t go. FUCK. And it’s fucking Chinese, too.
So I say to her, “No, no, sorry, I have a million things to do, I really can’t go with you. Maybe next time?”
So she leaves, muttering to herself. Some kind of fucking zombie curse, no doubt.
And to get the full flavor of exactly how incredible it was that I had the strength to turn her down, let’s go back to Thursday night. Thursday night when I finally, after twenty fucking years, realized I am married to the biggest fucking moron in the whole world.
So we ordered from La Pizza, the one place in town that delivers something besides pizza. We could order from Dominoes or Pizza Hut, but they pretty much have only pizza. La Pizza has Calzones, spaghetti, baked manicotti, subs, even entire fried chicken dinners. And I’m not a pizza person,. I can eat a slice once in a while, but I’m not like Paul, who gets a large pizza on the side of his order of 40 wings and eats the entire thing. I’m just not that into pizza.
So we always order from La Pizza.
And they always get the order wrong. Every time. No matter what we order.
Thursday night I *again* ordered a veggie sub with no mushrooms. We’ve been ordering from this place for close on two years, at least once a week. Sometimes more than once a week. I always get the same thing, I always get it no mushrooms. Always. But they always manage to fuck something up.
Thursday night I order the same thing we always order and the guy asks if I want my total, and it’s 12 something and I say “yeah, ok”, because it’s pretty much always the same total, and we finally get our order about 15 minutes later (they are only down the street), and when Paul goes down to the door to pay for it and get the order he yells “KIM!” and I figure – “Well, they’ve fucked the order up again…” And I go downstairs and Paul says “What the hell did you order?” And I look at the two boxes and it looks right, so I say “Why, what did we get?” And Paul says “Well, it’s like $29.00” and I said “No it’s not – it’s 12 something – the guy on the phone said so.” So the kid uses the phone and calls LA Pizza, and yeah, it’s 12 something, and now Paul is all pissed off because he thinks that they are trying to scam him somehow.
So we bring the shit upstairs, I open my sub and sure as shit, it’s full of mushrooms. So now *I’m* pissed off, and I call them again and I say “Yeah, can I get a sub with NO mushrooms this time”. And the guy says “oh, yeah, sorry, it’ll be about half an hour because we aren’t cooking anymore….” Yeah, whatever.
And now Paul is even more pissed.
And then they call back again, and the guy says “yeah, umm….can you return that sub with the mushrooms?” And I’m like “Well, I guess so, I mean, it’s not like I’m going to eat the thing…”
And for some reason that threw Paul over the fucking edge – and this is where I became convinced that he’s a moron.
Now remember, I’m waiting for them to deliver my sub, right? I haven’t gotten it yet. And Paul decides that NOW is the perfect time to call them up and go off on them – when I’m waiting for my food. Because, you know, when you are sitting in a restaurant, the PERFECT time to tell them that you think the place sucks and the food sucks and the service sucks and they are all a bunch of fucking rejects who can’t even fucking count or add or make a fucking piece of food to fucking order, well, the perfect time to tell them that is when you’re sitting there waiting for your food from the kitchen, right? I mean, you shouldn’t like, wait the extra FIVE FUCKING MINUTES until you GET your food, no, you tell them all this when they are holding your food in their hands. Because that’s the SMART thing to do.
So Paul gets on the phone and starts yelling and screaming and telling them he’s never ordering from them again and how they’ve just lost one of their best customers because we were ordering from them at least once a week, and how their stupid delivery drones can’t fucking add and how Paul just knows they were trying to scam him and how stupid do they think he is, and what the fuck are they trying to pull, and on and on and on.
And you just know they’re thinking “Yeah, we’ll make you that sub with no mushrooms – we’ll make that right up speshul for ya, sir.”
Paul finally gets done bitching them out and he’s got this stupid self satisfied look on his face and I say “Well, if you think I’m eating that fucking sub now, you’re outside your fucking mind, ya idiot. You don’t think that little fucking tirade could have waited until AFTER they delivered my food, you moron?”
So, needless to say, I didn’t eat Thursday night. Paul gave the sub to Reggie Friday morning to take to work and eat for lunch. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
So Friday, when I turned down the Chinese buffet – well, I could have eaten a buffet, I tell ya.
But Friday when Paul came home form work, he felt bad that he was so stupid Thursday night, so he surprised me by taking me to the Chinese buffet.
ANSWERS TO THE SPECTOR QUIZ
So, OK, after all that, here’s the answers to the Spector Quiz. MommyBear got them all right!!! Woo Hoo to MommyBear! And kellabeck answered most of them right from MEMORY. Good God. We know who doesn’t have a life, right? And Inchworm spent like 6 hours researching and looking up all the answers. So there’s another wasted day for Inchworm!!
Thanks to everyone who played along – and thanks to everyone who sent messages saying they were having fun with it. I hope it got all of our memories refreshed for closing arguments.
1. Lisa Bloom
2. Attitude is Everything
3. Raul Julia Levy
4. Brand new little green Mercedes
5. Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye
6. L.B. Moon
8. Loyola law professor Laurie Levenson
9. Spector’s assistant Michelle Blaine
10. Roger Corman
11. Tina Turner
12. Don’t Take Your Immigrant To Work Day
13. Marilyn Monroe, Sharon Tate, Nicole Brown Simpson
14. John Lennon
15. Donna Brandelli
16. Coldwell Banker
17. “Life is a Test: How to Meet Life’s Challenges Successfully” by Esther Jungreis
18. $30 an hour
19. Let the Four Winds Blow
21. American Society of Crime Laboratory Directors
22. Lead Prosecutor Alan Jackson
23. Bruce Cutler and Linda Kenney Baden
24. Stuart James
25. Ike Turner
26. North Carolina
28. Secrets of a Hollywood Super Madam
29. Barbie, Little Richard, Siegfried (of Siegfried & Roy), Las Vegas Showgirl
31. Quincy ME
32. Christopher Plourd
33. Go to auditions completely dressed in character
34. Jury Duty
35. All in the Family
36. Ann Marie Donahue
38. To Die For
39a. Stanley White
39b. Phil Spector
39c. Dianne Ogden
39d. Arich Berghammer
39e. Henry Lee
39f. Judge Fidler
39g. Adriano DeSouza
39h. Alan Jackson
39i. Alan Jackson
39j. Jennifer Hayes
39k. Dr. Werner Spitz
39l. Nick Terzian
40a. Eric Poticha
40b. Marc Hirschfeld
40c. James Pex
40d. Pauline Rosenfield
40e. Daniel Haste