The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Hit By A Car

Posted by thedarwinexception on July 27, 2007

So today I got hit by a car. Yup – hit by a car.

I went for a walk downtown to stop by the drugstore and then check out this new consignment shop on Main Street. I’ve been looking for antique sewing stuff for my sewing room, and I had noticed when we were driving by last week there was an old treadle machine in the window, and I wanted to stop in and see how much it was.

Luckily, since I was going to be shopping, I didn’t bring Milo with me today.

So, I’m walking towards downtown, and I cross the street, and out of nowhere, this car comes around the corner, never stopping for the RED LIGHT that they had, and I guess after they rounded the corner, they saw me hurrying to run across the street and realized “Wow, that’s a pedestrian, I better slow down”, and they finally slam on their brakes.

Not quite fast enough, since the left front of their bumper hit my left thigh.

And you know, a lot of things go through your head when you see a 3,000 pound death machine heading straight for you. My stream of consciousness went something like this:

Fuck! I’m glad I didn’t bring Milo! – You know, This would be a really, really good time to know cars a little better, because now I am not sure whether falling on the ground faking severe injury is actually worth it or not. Is this an expensive car? Who knows? Hey! I’m walking Here! Damn! I’ve got to remember to see if Netflix has that movie! It was X-Rated, wasn’t it? I wonder if Netflix still has it? Where was I?…..Oh yeah, car is still coming….Fuck! The *one* day I don’t bring my camera on my walk. I would *so* love to take a picture of this car – that would be great for the blog! Can you imagine what this guy would think if I just whipped out my camera as he was heading straight for me and started taking pictures? OK, now I think it hit me! Fall? Don’t fall. Fall? Don’t fall. Fuck it, this is Malone, what are the chances this person is worth suing, and besides, you know, Number of muscles it takes to fall down and play injured? 645,375.  Number of muscles needed to just flip the fucker off? 3. Are you lazy? Hell, yeah….

So I end up NOT feigning injury, and I just flip the guy off. And he *NODS* at me – just NODS at me, like, “Yeah, OK, I deserved that.”

Then the guy who was behind this guy on the side street stops his car and jumps out and acts like he’s all concerned and shit, and starts yelling at the guy who hit me, who for some reason is now at a complete stop and hasn’t moved. The Good Samaritan guy asks me if I need an ambulance (and I really felt like asking him “Why? Do you think that’s an expensive car?”) And I just said, “No, No, I’m fine, the guy just grazed my thigh, I’m cool.”

Finally the driver of the death machine pops his head out of the window and says to me (I shit you not…) “Do you need a ride?” And I just look at him and say “In the fucking death machine? No, that’s OK, really….” The Samaritan is laughing – and also writing down the license plate number of the death machine. Then the kicker: The driver of the death machine says to me “Well, Can I take you to lunch or something?” And I must admit, that kind of threw me and left me (yes ME) a little speechless, so I just looked at the Samaritan and looked back at the death machine driver and said “So, do you have a lot of luck picking up women this way?”

The guy looks confused, and he just waves and smiles and then drives away. 

The good Samaritan guy gave me the slip of paper he had written down the guy’s license plate number on and said “I can’t believe he asked if you wanted to go to lunch” and he started laughing again. I told him “Yeah, I think he got confused when his friends told him they were all hitting on women and getting dinner dates.”

And I never did make it to the consignment shop. After all that I said “fuck it” and I went home.

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15 Responses to “Hit By A Car”

  1. Leslie said

    OMG and WTF, Kim. Were you hurt? I’ve been a pedestrian in this village and it really is dangerous. I HATE Malone traffic- I don’t know who they are or where they’re coming from or where they’re going but it’s nuts.
    On another note, you really should check out Interior Consigns; my friend, Leslie Cook owns that one and the clothing consignment store. There’s lots of awesome decorative stuff.
    If you need a ride, just let me know….
    Hope you’re OK-

  2. Sprocket said

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

    Kim! I can’t believe you passed up a free lunch! (sarcasm)

    Thankfully, you’re okay.

  3. OMG and WTF, Kim. Were you hurt?

    Nah – not really. My hip is bruised some, but nothing that I won’t live through. Of course it didn’t start aching until I got home, and it took that long anyway to stop shaking my head and laughing at the stupid ass driver…..

    On another note, you really should check out Interior Consigns; my friend, Leslie Cook owns that one and the clothing consignment store. There’s lots of awesome decorative stuff.

    Yeah! That’s where I was headed! She has (or at least last week she *had*) a treadle sewing machine in the window and I wanted to see how much it was. I’m trying to put together some things for my sewing room – not that I know what I want particularly, but I’d like some antique or old sewing stuff – maybe a thimble collection or old sewing pictures or…I don’t really know what….

    I’m taking all the “jungle” stuff out of the sewing room, putting it in the TV room, and getting old sewing stuff for the sewing room. And once I find some old bookshelves I can get all the bookshelves out of the sewing room….

    If you need a ride, just let me know….

    Well, I’m only 2 blocks from downtown, I really didn’t think I was taking my LIFE in my hands – LOL.

    Thanks

    Kim

  4. Kim! I can’t believe you passed up a free lunch!

    Well if the guy knew how to DRIVE – I might have said “Sure – you like Chinese buffet??”

    But geesh, by the time we got all the way up East Main Street Hill to the Buffet we’d have had a whole car full of damned women he owed lunch to.

    Kim

  5. houdini said

    so glad you weren’t seriously injured! “can i take you to lunch?” where, in the commissary of the hospital? how about at your insurance agent’s office? better yet, down at the Malone LE breakroom!

    careful, are you sure it wasn’t spitz who was behind the wheel?

    dini

  6. careful, are you sure it wasn’t spitz who was behind the wheel?

    HA! I thought sure as shit – “Oh Fuck! Punkin Pie reads my blog – and is SHE MAD!!!”

    Kim

  7. Dave said

    Look, I’m really sorry I hit you. You have great boobs. So how ’bout dinner?

  8. Look, I’m really sorry I hit you. You have great boobs.

    HA! I know this isn’t the one who hit me – unless you are really turned on by women who have the chest of a 13 year old boy.

    Now, if you had mentioned my sensational ASS – I might have fallen for it.

    Kim

  9. Dave said

    Sorry, I had you mixed up with another chick I hit. Never mind.

  10. Marie said

    I’m so sorry you got hit, but it was really funny!
    Are you sure it didn’t have California plates?

  11. Hatpin said

    Well if the guy knew how to DRIVE – I might have said “Sure – you like Chinese buffet??”

    But geesh, by the time we got all the way up East Main Street Hill to the Buffet we’d have had a whole car full of damned women he owed lunch to.

    That image cracked me up even more than the blog post itself!

    Glad to hear you’re OK, Kim – I was worried when I started reading.

  12. mary said

    So glad you are ok—I depend on you for my laugh of the day—keep writing PLEASE!!!!!

  13. Lisa Ann said

    Jesus, Kim, this could only happen to you…guy attempts to run you over, then asks you to lunch.

    I’m glad you’re okay!

    Lisa Ann

  14. DT said

    You know, Kim, with a crippling injury like you have, you can hit up Social Security for $600 a month. Talk to Todd, he can probably steer you (hah!) in the right direction.

    Denny

  15. pk said

    Oh boy, your Holly sounds a lot like my baby Murphy – finally had to crate him his first two years when I was out of the house – chewed everything – cabinets, mattresses, books, anything and everything – he still has “accidental chewings” every once in awhile (he’s going on 3), and has no remorse or guilt when questioned/”lectured” about his misdeeds!! Just stares at me with that cute little face – “what . . . ????? why are you yelling????? . . .” The neighbors know Murphy and understand my rantings . . . . Kongs work really great and can keep them occupied for hours. I agree with posters – rawhide is BAD for doggies. Marrow bones are great – even Murphy can’t chew them to bits (he can chew to bits the Kong toys).

    Show off your ribbons in that sewing room which, by the way, looks great!

    Good luck, and thanks for your entertaining posts!

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