The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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I Learned it in AFCA 06/22/07 – 06/28/07

Posted by thedarwinexception on July 14, 2007

YOU WILL LEARN STUFF HERE

“My favourite piece of information is that Branwell Brontë, brother of Emily and Charlotte, died standing up leaning against a mantelpiece, in order to prove it could be done. This is not quite true, in fact. My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

Bras change in a big way in England and Wales from this Sunday, as all enclosed public spaces become non-smoking (it’s been that way in Scotland for a year and a half already).

Boyle’s law is the one that says that, given constant temperature and mass, the pressure of a gas decreases as its volume increases and vice versa.

A judge ruled Monday that no pair of pants is worth $54 million, rejecting a lawsuit that took a dry cleaner’s promise of “Satisfaction Guaranteed” to its most litigious extreme

It has probably been mentioned here more than once that many (most?) of Emily Dickinson’s poems can be sung to the tune of the Gilligian’s Island theme song….

Kung is (vaguely) expertise, knowledge, or merit, generally through great effort, and “Fu” means man — together meaning a person who is an expert at something

If you do not have a Concealed Carry Permit issued by a California Sheriff or Law Enforcement Agency you can not transport a loaded firearm in a vehicle or on your person in California.

not only is a mushroom neither animal nor vegetable, sadistically it’s closer to animals than to veggies.

STUFF THAT MADE ME LAUGH

There are only two reliable sources of information, me and Wikipedia.  And sometimes I wonder about Wikipedia.

Okay, but I’m still not going to start.

I think Olestra is a GREAT product. Not that I’d actually consume the stuff. But any product that can introduce a phrase like “anal seepage” into the public consciousness is on my A-list.

If it threatens his life then he will shoot it.

I’m comfortable admitting I didn’t previously know that.

No, it’s ceramicy.

Someone’s been shopping at Non Sequiturs R Us

GUESS THE AFCA’N

I shall consider severely cutting back on simply and honestly complimenting anyone in this group.

I think I would be reluctant to be licking the concrete where chickens have free run.

I always take my odd one at the bottom

it does bug me that we can’t enjoy our backyard without listening to the screams.

I didn’t understand what I didn’t understand

I think Yoda said that. Or maybe Nixon. I get them confused sometimes.

If I’m alone I wear a dressing gown; if I have company I’m far more likely to be naked.

I heartily support the use of proper prophylactics.

MOTTO’s
Everyone, put on your galoshes ….  It’s a pissing contest!

Oh, I thought maybe you knew what you were talking about.

Mushroom-hate is a terrible thing….

There’s gotta be a pony in there somewhere.

AFCAN ADVICE

Under the circumstances you may want to just to ahead and let it become a dick-swinging contest.

If you want to be an astronaut, you’re gonna need to do better than just driving 45 minutes with a yogurt tub and a paintbrush.

Next time the dog annoys you, piss on it. Make it your bitch.

INNOCENT QUERIES

You’ve never heard the phrase “hot wild monk sex”?

How many economics courses do I have to take to determine whether explosive diarrhea is a bad thing?

Why is everybody so afraid of trees nowadays?

do you jump on a trampoline and squeal for hours on end?

Did he do the “we dee-dee dee”s or the “a-weem a-wep”s?

Maybe we read different porn?

Can you take your batteries out?

And when a pig is in shit, just how happy is it really?

Wanna buy a gallon of mine?

Want some beef pizzle?

SIMPLE TRUTHS

If Bob Dole gets horny, Bob Dole has a boner.  If Bob Dole _wants_ to get horny, then Bob Dole takes Viagra.

I mean, there’s nothing in California you need to see with a gun.

When you get your money for nothing and your chips for free, you can’t complain if they bleep out some words. You can complain if they don’t give you salsa, though.

BAND NAMES

polite rebellion

Beaver’s Eyeballs

Dirty White People

Epenthetics

ALBUM NAMES

Cheesy Meaningful Looks

HEADLINE OF THE WEEK

“Teenage Pregnancy a Mounting Problem”

FORGOTTEN VERSES

the canonical
internet haiku closer:
“fuck you, it’s springtime”

“Does the teabag lose its flavor on the stovetop overnight?
“When you dunk it in the morning will the tea be pale and light?
“Can’t you see I’m going crazy, won’t somebody put me right?
“Does the teabag lose its flavor on the stovetop overnight?”

LAMENT TO A PENGUIN
There is no Opus. There never was an Opus. We needed an Opus so we created one in our hearts and minds, an Opus pure and true, who made wooden tree swings for his little girl and fixed his electric lawnmower to she’d have a place to play without weeds. An Opus who gave us Opus Points(TM) to teach us the value of sharing. An Opus who embodied the complexities and absurdities of the human condition, an Opus to remind us there was something more, better, grander than our individual flaws and foibles, an Opus to allow our reach to exceed our grasp, an Opus for all seasons, all reasons, all conditions and all times.
There is no Opus. We did not deserve an Opus. We could not hold onto a vision of an Opus, an imagination of an Opus, a collective exaltation of an Opus, an Opus who was the best, the best, the best darn penguin in all of usenet. We miss the spirit that filled the Opus-shaped hole in AFCA, but we cannot miss Opus because there is no Opus, there never was an Opus, just electrons stretching around the world to create, for one tiny moment, a little bit of Opus in all of us.

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3 Responses to “I Learned it in AFCA 06/22/07 – 06/28/07”

  1. Hank said

    So cigarette smoking inhibits breast growth?

  2. zxvasdf said

    How do you fit all that in your head? I strive to do something similiar but end up losing all those bits of random trivia in the event horizon of some cortical vortex. Now, how about that dick-swinging contest?

  3. njgill said

    my bra is an enclosed space, but it’s not public and i don’t let anybody smoke there

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