Two Unexpected Guests
Posted by thedarwinexception on July 5, 2007
Two different people knocked at our door today. Both were very unexpected for different reasons.
The first was John, the dimwitted boyfriend, back in Malone for a visit along with his girlfriend AKA the pregnant thief, and their kids, AKA the older one and the cabbage baby.
I was quite surprised to see him. He’s gained a little weight, which actually suits him. He didn’t bring the pregnant thief to the house when he came over (I think she knows better), but I’m betting she’s gained a little weight, as well, since she’s due to give birth yet again come the latter part of September, making this kid and the cabbage baby slightly over 9 months apart in age.
Dimwitted boyfriend said that they haven’t determined yet if this one is a boy or a girl, making me think it’s a girl. If it was a boy he would be all too eager to tell me that, since I’m sure he does, indeed, know the sex of the kid.
I also finally had him tell me again where exactly it was they moved to – it’s Amsterdam New York. Now that I’ve recorded it here, I’ll be sure to remember.
But it was nice to see him. I don’t know why I feel so damned maternal towards him, and why I feel like I should slap him in the head every time I see him, but I do. I managed to get my point across to him a few times while he was here. Like when he said that the pregnant thief was going to get her tubes tied after this one – and I told him “Yeah, right, having kids is her number one hook in your ass, John. Why would she shut down the money maker?” “Oh No! Really! She *told* me she was getting her tubes tied.” You know, like he can actually believe anything this bitch tells him, right? I mean, this is the same bitch that told him she was on the pill before she got knocked up with the first kid. So that’s pretty much what I told him. And I also told him “The only way I’d believe that bitch was sterile was if I was in the fucking operating room with her tying the fucking knots in her tubes myself. Anything short of that, I’d still be spraying the bitch with spermicide before I went near her skanky ass.” Tubes tied my ass.
The other visitor was the formerly dead lady next door. Yup. She actually fucking knocked on my door. Scared the shit right out of me, let me tell ya. I couldn’t really understand her when she started talking – she sounds foreign. Very foreign. (Transylvanian?) She knocks on the door, I open it and she says to me “You have tea, yes?”
“Huh?” I have what? I didn’t know what the hell she was talking about. So I said “Huh?”
She repeated herself. “You have tea – yes, you have tea?”
So, being the idiot I am (well, you know, I was fucking scared shitless, give me a break), I said “Tea? I ain’t got no tea.” Because, of course, when talking with foreigners who are obviously struggling with the language, it’s important to speak good English.
So she looks at me with these really huge bug eyes and she says “You go to market, you buy tea, no, I give you money.”
And then she left.
She didn’t wait for me to ask her what the fuck she was talking about, or to confirm that she apparently wants me to go to the market and buy her tea, and since I don’t even drink tea, I have no fucking idea in the world what to buy. But she didn’t wait for me to say to her “Like, what? Tea bags? Bitch, you don’t even have electricity. How the fuck are you heating this shit up?”
She just turned and left.
I don’t know who in the world died and left me Vampira’s handmaiden, but apparently someone did.
And believe me, when I go to the “market”, I’m buying every fucking kind of tea they have on the shelves. I don’t want no damned Vampira Zombie Alien bitch mad at me. She does way too much burying of shit for me to fuck with her.