The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Two Unexpected Guests

Posted by thedarwinexception on July 5, 2007

Two different people knocked at our door today. Both were very unexpected for different reasons.

The first was John, the dimwitted boyfriend, back in Malone for a visit along with his girlfriend AKA the pregnant thief, and their kids, AKA the older one and the cabbage baby.

I was quite surprised to see him. He’s gained a little weight, which actually suits him. He didn’t bring the pregnant thief to the house when he came over (I think she knows better), but I’m betting she’s gained a little weight, as well, since she’s due to give birth yet again come the latter part of September, making this kid and the cabbage baby slightly over 9 months apart in age.

Dimwitted boyfriend said that they haven’t determined yet if this one is a boy or a girl, making me think it’s a girl. If it was a boy he would be all too eager to tell me that, since I’m sure he does, indeed, know the sex of the kid.

I also finally had him tell me again where exactly it was they moved to – it’s Amsterdam New York. Now that I’ve recorded it here, I’ll be sure to remember.

But it was nice to see him. I don’t know why I feel so damned maternal towards him, and why I feel like I should slap him in the head every time I see him, but I do. I managed to get my point across to him a few times while he was here. Like when he said that the pregnant thief was going to get her tubes tied after this one – and I told him “Yeah, right, having kids is her number one hook in your ass, John. Why would she shut down the money maker?” “Oh No! Really! She *told* me she was getting her tubes tied.” You know, like he can actually believe anything this bitch tells him, right? I mean, this is the same bitch that told him she was on the pill before she got knocked up with the first kid. So that’s pretty much what I told him. And I also told him “The only way I’d believe that bitch was sterile was if I was in the fucking operating room with her tying the fucking knots in her tubes myself. Anything short of that, I’d still be spraying the bitch with spermicide before I went near her skanky ass.” Tubes tied my ass.

The other visitor was the formerly dead lady next door. Yup. She actually fucking knocked on my door. Scared the shit right out of me, let me tell ya. I couldn’t really understand her when she started talking – she sounds foreign. Very foreign. (Transylvanian?) She knocks on the door, I open it and she says to me “You have tea, yes?”

“Huh?” I have what? I didn’t know what the hell she was talking about. So I said “Huh?”

She repeated herself. “You have tea – yes, you have tea?”

So, being the idiot I am (well, you know, I was fucking scared shitless, give me a break), I said “Tea? I ain’t got no tea.” Because, of course, when talking with foreigners who are obviously struggling with the language, it’s important to speak good English.

So she looks at me with these really huge bug eyes and she says “You go to market, you buy tea, no, I give you money.”

And then she left.

She didn’t wait for me to ask her what the fuck she was talking about, or to confirm that she apparently wants me to go to the market and buy her tea, and since I don’t even drink tea, I have no fucking idea in the world what to buy. But she didn’t wait for me to say to her “Like, what? Tea bags? Bitch, you don’t even have electricity. How the fuck are you heating this shit up?”

She just turned and left.

I don’t know who in the world died and left me Vampira’s handmaiden, but apparently someone did.

And believe me, when I go to the “market”, I’m buying every fucking kind of tea they have on the shelves. I don’t want no damned Vampira Zombie Alien bitch mad at me. She does way too much burying of shit for me to fuck with her.


6 Responses to “Two Unexpected Guests”

  1. Hatpin said

    She might not have electricity, but at least you know she’s got mugs to drink unbrewed, cold tea out of. Let’s see if she give you money when you back from market.

    Thanks for yet another hilarious post.

  2. Jill said

    This is so cool! You realize, this is your entrance into her house! her life! her weird details!

    Carpe la fucking diem, chickie!

  3. This is so cool! You realize, this is your entrance into her house! her life! her weird details!

    I have thought of this.

    She wants me to go to the “market” and buy her tea? OK. As long as Price Chopper is considered a “market”, I can do this. I will buy 10 different kinds of teas – BUT….

    When I bring this tea to her door if she thinks she’s going to get by with just cracking the door a bit and shoving money under the door she’s even more whacked in the head than she pretends to be. Because I want a fucking TOUR of that place. And I want interior pictures, too. I’m bringing the camera. Let her say something – I’ll just tell her “You want tea, No?”

    I want to see if those vines look as fucking Halloween ass creepy on the inside as they do from the outside. And I want to know how she heats that place and how she eats and WHAT she eats and how she does her laundry and if she sleeps in a coffin.

    I may even ask her what the fuck is up with the weird ass landscaping.


  4. Veronique said

    What’s up with the landscaping? She’s using the teabags for mulch.


  5. Neal said

    Kim, you haven’t posted for a couple of days! Are you alright? Did you make it out of the crazy ladies house OK?

    We love you and we’ll miss you of anything happend to you (But we’ll throw one hell of an AFCA party if you did not survive, in your honor of course).


  6. Kim, you haven’t posted for a couple of days! Are you alright? Did you make it out of the crazy ladies house OK?

    Oh yeah, I’m fine. I have just been busy knitting – I actually finished the never ending bunting!! Woo HOO! Waiting to wash it and block it and take some pics – I’ll probably post later today.

    (But we’ll throw one hell of an AFCA party if you did not survive, in your honor of course).

    Can we throw the party now, just so I can enjoy it too? I hate the thought of missing my best party ever.


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