The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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I Learned it in AFCA 06/08/07 – 06/14/07

Posted by thedarwinexception on July 2, 2007

Yes, I am still behind in AFCA. But there’s no court this week so I have hopes of catching up – in between knitting, sewing and quilting.

 Ok – so maybe I won’t catch up

YOU WILL LEARN STUFF HERE

In 1839 British zoologist George Robert Waterhouse reportedly found an elderly female hamster in Syria, naming it Cricetus auratus, the Golden Hamster. The hamster’s fur was on display at the British Museum (Natural History). The Syrian Hamster was then ignored by European science for the next century. In 1930, Israel Aharoni, a zoologist and professor at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem, captured a mother hamster and her litter of babies in the Syrian desert. By the time he got back to his lab, most had died or escaped. The remaining three hamsters were given to his university, where they were successfully bred. Because they were a bit bigger than the ones Waterhouse found, they were named Mesocricetus auratus. Mesocricetus auratus is the currently accepted scientific name of the Syrian Hamster. Descendants of these hamsters were shipped to scientific labs around the world for use as research animals. They arrived in the United Kingdom in 1931, and reached the United States in 1938. Soon after their initial discovery, they were found to make great pets. Just about all captive Syrian Hamsters today are descended from the original litter found in Syria, except for a few that were brought into the United States by travellers who found them in the desert. A separate stock of hamsters was imported into the US in 1971, but it is not known if any of today’s North American pets are descended from them.

The longest multi-word place name in the world spelled in English is Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Ayuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit, the formal ceremonial name for Bangkok, Thailand, meaning “The city of angels, the great city, the eternal jewel city, the impregnable city of God Indra, the grand capital of the world endowed with nine precious gems, the happy city, abounding in an enormous Royal Palace which resembles the heavenly abode where reigns the reincarnated god, a city given by Indra and built by Vishnukam”.

Approximately 10% of the caucasian population lack the enzyme necessary to metabolize codeine into morphine and get no analgesia (or anything else except constipation) from it.

An old boy network or society can refer to social and business associations among former pupils of top male-only public schools (independent secondary schools) in the United Kingdom, such as Eton, Harrow, Winchester and Charterhouse, private schools in Canada, and, to a lesser degree, to university students (notably Oxbridge), and indirectly to preservation of social elites over time without regard to merit.”

“Limey is an old American and Canadian slang nickname for the British, originally referring to British sailors. The term is believed to derive from lime-juicer, referring to the Royal Navy and Merchant Navy practice of supplying lime juice to British sailors to prevent scurvy in the 19th century. ”

“Due to the low freezing point of alcohol, vodka can be stored in ice or a freezer without any crystallization of water. In countries where alcohol levels are generally low (the USA for example, due to alcohol taxation levels varying directly with alcohol content), individuals sometimes increase the alcohol percentage by a form of freeze distillation. This is done by placing the vodka in an open vessel (bowl, etc) in the freezer, and then after it has reached a temperature below the freezing point of water, adding one or more ice cubes, to which the free water within the vodka will crystallize, leaving a higher alcohol concentration behind.”

” The United States and England are the last industrialized nations to address the lead paint issue. The ill-effects of lead are so well documented that Germany, Australia, Japan and many other countries banned the use of lead in residential paint in the early 1920s. France started banning lead in paint in the 1870s. ”

The “Mosquito”, a device invented by one Howard Stapleton for Compound Security Systems.  It emits a loud, modulated sound with a very high frequency of 17kHz – painful to yoofs but inaudible to most people out of their teens.  Apparently, it’s a buzzing sound, hence its name.

“Former US Marine Corps Drill Instructor R. Lee Ermey was not originally hired to play Gunnery Sgt. Hartman but as a consultant for the Marine Corps boot camp portion of the film. He performed a demonstration on videotape in which he yelled obscene insults and abuse for 15 minutes without stopping, repeating himself or even flinching – despite being continuously pelted with tennis balls and oranges. Stanley Kubrick was so impressed that he cast Ermey as Gunnery Sgt. Hartmann”.

there’s at least two types of labia that people will lick.

Female serial killers account for only 8% of all American serial killers, but American females account for 76% of all female serial killers worldwide.”

All squashes are native to the Americas, and would not have been known to the French (or anyone else in Europe) prior to 1492.  Zucchini is not native to the Americas, though, being a crime against nature that did not come into existance until the late 1800’s.

STUFF THAT MADE ME LAUGH

Procrastination is my One Greatest Enemy.  More on that later.

Hypothetically, that sentence makes my head hurt.

I liked him too! He’s now Wikipedia Brown.

Maybe you just aren’t meant to be king.

If you want a gesture, we could build a 560-foot concrete hand with erect middle finger.

A spelunker group would be good.

 If every report of hippies on LSD jumping from buildings/bridges/whatever were true,
we’d all have to walk around with hippie-proof umbrellas, lest we be crushed by falling acid heads.

Whew!  Good thing you didn’t marry her!

His full name was Ancillary Keys.  He also invented PrintScreen and ScrollLock.

Just do what I did with my bible. Go through it and cross out all the “lamb”s and replace them with “cupcake”. No one gets upset about the sacrifice of a cupcake.

Nobody disses mah mad nipple skillz!…BANG!

Have you seen recent photos of the man?

I didn’t realize you were allowed to have a jail house conversion before your 437th baloney sandwich.

Deer do not like to eat in the woods because that is where the bears shit.

GUESS THE AFCA’N

I aspire to be the best goon I can be.

I prefer all cracks about my penis size be done when I’m not around.

I often find the sheep angle hasn’t been fully explored.

When you talk of an intact breast between slices of bread…it sort of excites me.

I have been parenthesized – it’s like being marked-down in price.

To my knowledge, I’ve never been lied to by a sheep.

it was just the thought of it being ‘enchanted’ that I could never warm up to.  I should have smoked more pot.

It’s a pretty safe bet that my genitals are cleaner than my hands. 

I’ve decided that I like being a bum way too much

If I had to wear a cowboy hat to mow the lawn I’d be ired too.

MOTTO’s

If an OED cite isn’t enough, God knows what people are after here.

Hypothetically, that sentence makes my head hurt.

Shut. Up. Do it *my* way!

I’m not indecided, I’m just a bit undecisive.

You can pick up a lot of interesting information (some of it even true) simply by browsing here.

Here in a.f.c.a we don’t know the difference between words and phrases.

Posting to Usenet seems kind of like standing on the table and taking your blouse off and yelling.

I think I answered the question I think you meant to ask, but not the one you actually asked.

I’ve found that folks around here are pretty quick on the draw when it comes to smarty-pants, funny answers.

INNOCENT QUERIES

Can we agree that he was Gandhi, not Ghandi?

Did an orgy ensue?

How the heck do you drill it through your opponent when it’s so blunt and rounded?

Would you like to run your own life, or let someone who could do a really good job of it do it?

Who cares how a mime dies?

He attacked your fingers with his anus?

COMPLIMENTS

That’s what all the former dirty smelly hippies say

AFCA SUPERHERO OF THE WEEK

Wikipedia Brown

SIMPLE TRUTHS

You can be wrong without being an asshole.

Because a guy in a suit with bribe money hanging out of his pockets isn’t much of a team logo.

Fucking somebody with a chainsaw is likely to be messy and a shark is bound to jump around and shit.

In those days, people just weren’t ready for Kinky Quincy.

If the Universe is boundless, somewhere in it is contained every post that you never made. Google will find them. Eventually. And put a sucky front-end on them.

THE DOCTOR IS IN….5 CENTS

sometimes Usenet starts to eat your brain and you need to walk out into the sunshine for awhile.

You’re not bemused, you’re confused.

BAND NAMES

Obligatory Male Prostitutes

Tad Flat & the Sweet Red Onions

two compliant sheep

Lesbians Who Kill

Shaken Baby Alliance

Fried Squirrel Wrists

Relentless Cheese

OUR PUNK ROCK BAND WILL BE FRONTED BY

Rat Lungworms

AFCA CAREER PATH OF THE WEEK

You start out at ‘Thug’. If you’re successful (i.e: not killed) and manage to afford nice suits and better weaponry, you move up to ‘Goon’. Goon is a noble profession, and many people do just fine at this level for their entire Evil Careers. But, assuming you want to move up to more elaborate evil schemes, you eventually become a lackey, which is the intermediate journeyman step on the way to becoming a minion. Evil minion is a fairly high post in the Evil Heirarchy, and the most senior evil minion generally takes over if something happens to the Evil Genius, or at least minds the machinery that will bring the evil genius back to life or help him recover from suspended animation or rescue him from the temple of evil he’s been trapped in or what-have-you.

Frankly, I think you’re probably better off sticking at ‘goon’. You get nice suits and nice cars, you get to look cool, intimidate people, occasionally beat the crap out of them, and it’s pretty seldom that you have to get beat down by some superhero or Jackie Chan or something – and even then, usually you just get knocked out and then ignored while they get distracted going after the evil genius and the minions. And there’s not actually that much evil involved, plus it pays pretty good. And, despite the downturn in some segments of the market (like the Mafia and the Teamsters, for example) bein’ a goon is still very much a growth industry – lots of openings for Transportation Security Administration goons, Border Patrol goons, and Immigration and Naturalization Service goons. The Drug Enforcement Agency and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms are also great places to be a goon.

BELIEVE IT OR DON’T

I’m going to write a song about working in a bar in a prison in New York and get Lisa O’Neill’s band to record it. Then you’ll be able to hear Sing Sing sing about slinging a Singapore Sling in Sing Sing.

FORGOTTEN VERSES

Thyroid.  Armour Thyroid!  What kinds of guys take Armour Thyroid?
Tall guys, skinny guys, guys who ride on Hogs
Tough guys, married guys, even guys with little dogs
take Thyroid….

NOW SHOWING ON THE AFCA CHANNEL

America’s Most Retarded Infotainment Access Hollywood E! News Extra Current Affair Today Morning Show

MARK YOUR CALENDARS

June 8 – Get Drunk And Post Shit You’ll Regret Tomorrow Day

Shut Your Fucking Face, Uncle Fucker August.

Shut The Fuck Up, You Donkey-Raping Shit-Eater July

Checking my library of apocalyptic literature, I believe I have found what could be perceived as a bad sign. I direct your attention to the 73rd quatrain of the fourth book of Nostradamus, which reads as follows:
   When the penguin leaves
    the group of ignorance-fighting,
   there will follow two full moons
    of friend calling friend ‘cocksucker’.

We could be in for a rough summer. I’m laying in some extra gin.

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2 Responses to “I Learned it in AFCA 06/08/07 – 06/14/07”

  1. abarclay12 said

    Wow. What a blog. I feel sad for the 10% of the population who will never know the joys of codeine. Damn enzymes. I also appreciate knowing how to make my vodka stronger. It’s in a bowl in my freezer as I type. I hope to make it more powerful with some ice cubes in due time.

  2. Hank said

    I like the fact that you’re behind. It’s like listening to a “greatest hits” album and thinking, “Oh, yeah, I remember that one.”

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