The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Bizarre Crap in the News

Posted by thedarwinexception on June 20, 2007

OK – the mug is gone. The formerly dead lady next door dug it up. Paul suggested that maybe it died. But it’s gone. In it’s place is some new landscaping.

Yesterday Paul came running into the house screaming at me to “Go Look! Go Look!”. The formerly dead lady next door had an outfit on that he thought I just *had* to see.

So, I went to look, and I have to admit, it was worth the spying.

She had a tapestry of Bob Marley. One of those crushed velvet tapestries, you know what I mean? It was wrapped around her waist, and her huge ass was covered by the image of Bob Marley’s face. It was worth seeing, I kid you not. Especially since she was bent over doing her “gardening”. Although I’m not quite sure what she was doing could *really* be considered gardening.

She was going out to the back yard, and studying the trees very intently for just the right “twig” for her purposes. Then, she would very gently and very carefully, take the twig from the tree, and put it into a pile. Then, once she had a nice pile of  perfect twigs, she would take them into the front and “plant” the twigs in the front yard. So now, instead of a mug, she has a little garden of twigs sticking out of the pile of dirt.

It’s bizarre. Totally bizarre.

But, we like bizarre, don’t we….Here’s some more bizarre crap.

I didn’t know this was a crime. Maybe I’ll have to watch what I yell from now on.

 

I am so not trying the chimp chow mein.

 

See, I think people are just getting all crazy with this shit.

 

Damn, I can’t decide! They both look so Good!

 

Ok – you can have all my chimp chow mein and all my fore skins

 

OK – someone explain to me why this is a good idea. Who in the world wants to be woken up by some fucking flying decapitator coming at your head?

 

And so cheap too! You can’t get quality like that for less. You just can’t.

 

Got that?

 

So what the fuck is the $4.00 for??

 

or should you say “You’re a fucking moron, you stupid turtle.”

 

This one is dedicated to my friend Dana, because I know she’ll think it’s as funny as I think it is.

 

How do you know when a goldfish is blind? Does he keep running into the side of the bowl? I’d keep a goldfish like that if I found him. I think it would be amusing  to sit and watch a blind goldfish run into the side of the bowl all day.

 

That’s just fucking creepy.

 

And our chicken barbecue this summer will feature beef.

 

and my favorite. Just because it’s so fucking stupid.

 

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9 Responses to “Bizarre Crap in the News”

  1. Kitt said

    You do know that the Obese Goldfish story was … well, just a fish tale?

    As originally reported:

    http://www.fresnobee.com/263/story/46552.html

    And the mea culpa:

    http://www.fresnobee.com/263/story/46745.html

    Thought I’d share, in case you’d missed this one.

  2. Dana said

    Okay, You’ll Never Walk Again is a stitch. But the Formerly Dead Lady Turned Bizarre Landscaper — that’s the stuff David Lynch movies are made of.

    Do you think I should offer a recipe for Chimp Chow Mein in my next book?

  3. Dana said

    Oh, and you’re asking the wrong question about the obese, blind goldfish. The real question is “How does a pet goldfish get lost and live long enough to get found?”

  4. Okay, You’ll Never Walk Again is a stitch. But the Formerly Dead Lady Turned Bizarre Landscaper — that’s the stuff David Lynch movies are made of.

    The woman is off her rocker. I’ve never been this up close and personal to anyone who belonged in a rubber room with the backwards jacket on. It’s scary, fascinating and amusing all at the same time.

    And I went out this morning to “check up” on the landscaping in the light of day, and noticed that the mug is back – now it is holding a bunch of weeds she must have gathered from the backyard. Flat out weeds. Not flowers – weeds. It’s truly frightening.

    I’m going to sneak out and take a picture of the mug weeds.

    Do you think I should offer a recipe for Chimp Chow Mein in my next book?

    I think you should – and include a recipe for fore skins, too. Those are low carb, right?

    Kim

  5. D.F. Manno said

    I was working one Labor Day, and when I returned home I wanted to know whether the Jerry Lewis Telethon was over yet. So I asked my family whether Lewis had sung “You’ll Never Walk Again” yet.

    He hadn’t, and we couldn’t stop laughing for the rest of the show. Now I can’t hear that song or even think of the title without getting it “wrong.”

    Talk about your Freudian slips!

  6. groo said

    The $4 you need for the Soup Festival? It’s to rent a spoon.

  7. Greg Goss said

    I once owned a house that was on a hill steeper than that. But the photograph I included when trying to sell it managed to get the walls vertical That was more a lousy realtor than a lousy house.

  8. Julie said

    I’m getting Glen that flying alarm clock for his birthday as payback for the Dustbuster I got for Christmas… HA!

  9. I’m getting Glen that flying alarm clock for his birthday as payback for the Dustbuster I got for Christmas… HA!

    Oh for Pete’s sake. Don’t make me laugh that hard this early in the morning.

    Kim

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