The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

  • Recent Posts

  • Stuff I Blog About

  • Visitors

    • 973,807 People Stopped By
  • Awards & Honors

    Yesh, Right! I don't HAVE any "Awards & Honors" - so nominate me for something - I want one of those badge things to put here. I don't care what it is - make up your own award and give it to me. I'm not picky.
  • Advertisements

Rainman Is Banished – To the Porch

Posted by thedarwinexception on May 19, 2007

Have you ever smelled dirty feet? No, I don’t mean, “I went to work today – at the cow pasture – and stepped in a bunch of cow shit, then this drunk came up and puked on my feet – twice – and then I laid out in the sun and now I’m home and I’ve taken off my shoes”. Because *that* would be a new sweet smelling fragrance from Chanel compared to the smell of Rainman’s feet. There’s something terribly, terribly wrong with this guy’s feet.

And Paul can’t smell. There’s something wrong with him. He never could smell. His nose doesn’t work. Me? I can be upstairs, in the bathroom with the door closed and someone on the next street over can be burning a pile of leaves and I will come out of the bathroom and say “I smell smoke”. Paul, of course will then start sniffing around as though that’s going to do any good and say “Where? Up here?”

But having Rainman with the “my feet *ate* dead feet and then died” smelling ass in the house is enough to gag me. I can’t handle it. So, I finally got something done about it.

And it was thanks to Dan – a friend of Paul’s. That’s Dan in the picture.

Because Paul has this *other* annoying habit (as if he needed more annoying habits)  He never believes anything I say. I can say “Look! The grass is green!” And he’ll “agree” with me, but my pronouncement is still open to contradiction until someone *else* tells him “Look! The grass is green!” Only then will he believe “The grass is green”.

Which is probably my fault, anyway. I complain and bitch so much – especially about Rainman – that my bitching tends to lose weight. It’s like I’m just searching for things to bitch about, and when something is a real problem, like a smell of dead fucking feet, it holds no more value than “Paul! Get him out of the kitchen! He’s drooling on my food!”

But, Dan came over this weekend and walked by Rainman’s room. Immediately he looked at Paul and said ‘Fuck me! What died in there? My God that’s a horrible fucking smell!”

I said “Thank You very fucking Much Dan!!!” Then I asked Paul “Now do you believe me???”

I guess he did. He made Rainman take a shower – and he told him “Look, you’re going to have to find a way to wash your feet.” Rainman said “I always wash my feet.” And Paul said “Well, apparently you don’t do it very well.”

After Rainman got out of the shower, Paul handed him a big trash bag and he told him “I want you to pick up all of your clothes and put them in here – and then give me the bag and I’ll tie it shut. Your clothes stink.”

Then, he did the best thing of all. He banished Rainman to the back porch. And it’s not like it’s just a “back porch” – it’s enclosed, with a door and windows and a lock on the door. It’s really my utility room. There’s a washer and dryer out there – and our freezer is out there, as well. But Paul made him move out to that room. I was kind of hesitant about making him sleep in the utility room, but Paul said “If he doesn’t like it, let him find someone else to put up with his fucking ass. If he stinks bad enough for people to notice, he needs to be out there – it smells like bleach out there, anyway, maybe that will help.” Which, of course, makes me wonder if I count as “people”, since I’ve been saying for two weeks “Paul, the guy fucking smells like dead feet.”

But, Rainman didn’t seem to mind the banishment. He even commented that it might be easier for him, since that doorknob is bigger, and it’s easier for him to get it open, and he won’t have to keep yelling to me to come and let him out. And he won’t have to watch the dogs so closely that they don’t run outside while he’s standing there trying to get out the door, since there’s a door to the kitchen separating the back porch from the door to the outside.

So maybe it will work out better for everyone.

I still think this guy  really needs “assisted living” with a heavy emphasis on the “assisted”. And he *really* needs someone to take a fucking brillo pad to his feet.


7 Responses to “Rainman Is Banished – To the Porch”

  1. Veronique said

    Does he ever wash his socks? Does he only have one pair of shoes that he wears ALL DAY not taking them off before bedtime? What helps smelly feet are clean socks, letting shoes air out between wearings, and not wearing shoes every minute of the day. He might also have some kind of sweat-related problem– some people are naturally stinky– but if it’s comin’ just from his feet, he can do something about it. There are also foot powders that help with smelly feet, like maybe Desenex.

  2. Neal said

    Dan looks like a guy I work with. His name is Dave.


  3. Does he ever wash his socks?

    Well, we wash his socks – he can’t run the washing machine. But actually, he didn’t *HAVE* any socks – when he left his former place of residence, they gave him one pair. He didn’t have any clothes at all, to speak of. He had one pair of dirty stained sweat pants, one sweater – a real, live, knitted pullover sweater – a jacket and a pair of jeans that were (I kid you not) at least 5 sizes too big for him – and a woven belt that was even bigger than that.

    Lesmond from AFCA was shocked and appalled that these were his only clothes and donated some money to him to get some real clothes. So Paul took Rainman shopping and bought him socks, underwear, 2 pairs of pants that actually fit and some t-shirts so he could wear *Something* besides a knit sweater in the 80 degree weather we have been having. And a belt.

    Does he only have one pair of shoes that he wears ALL DAY not taking them off before bedtime?

    Yes – the shoes were old and they had ties that he couldn’t tie. Paul also bought him a pair of sneakers with velcro so he can now put them on by himself.

    There are also foot powders that help with smelly feet, like maybe Desenex.

    I was going to try something like this – or Gold Bond powder. I thought that helped stinky feet, too. But I *really* think it’s just that he can’t wash his feet – I can’t imagine him being able to bend over in the shower – he can barely stand in there.When he takes a shower it sounds like a thunderstorm – he’s constantly hitting the sides of the shower – “Boom! Boom! Boom!”

    I’m telling ya, he needs assisted living.


  4. Lisa Ann said

    Well, Kim, thanks to you and Paul, he HAS assisted living. With you. You’re both nearly qualified for sainthood. Or incarceration in your local psych ward, it could go either way at this point.

    Although I really like the idea of AFCA having a foul-mouthed patron saint. It’s just so “us”.

    Lisa Ann

  5. darkon said

    I’m in a training course today. Bored. Thought I’d visit here, especially since I haven’t read your blog since last week. (was camping this past weekend) I got to “my feet *ate* dead feet and then died” and nearly burst from holding in the laughter. I think the instructor is still wondering what happened, because I’m sure my face turned red from the effort.

  6. I think the instructor is still wondering what happened, because I’m sure my face turned red from the effort.

    Now make sure when the instructor says “Darkon? Do you have something you want to share with the class?” You give them the URL right – remember there’s a dot wordpress in there somewhere.


  7. colin said

    right on. people who don’t wash their feet are nasty. there is absolutly no smell worse then that. it’s so nice that you guys take such good care of him. not to many people would do such a kind and considerate thing for someone who they obviously can’t stand.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: