The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Rules of the House

Posted by thedarwinexception on May 1, 2007

With no court to report on today, and since I’m still so far behind in AFCA it’s doubtful if I will ever catch up, I’m devoting my time today to sewing. I’m almost done the little sundress I am making, and then I have another pair of the fuzzy pajamas to make. After that I have a long awaited poodle skirt at the top of the pile, and then an “apron” for Paul. He wants a “toolbelt/apron”, kind of like the one’s you would see Home Depot employees wearing. He has very specific ideas on the size and shape of the pockets. I don’t know, he’s whacked in the head, I think.

Then I have a request from my mother to make her a pair of Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls. She sent me a pattern for the ones that she wants – these things are like 3 fucking feet tall! She wants them “so I can set them on my bed”. Now personally, I don’t like to sleep with dolls or teddy bears or all that crap in my bedroom. I feel like things are watching me all night and it creeps me out. And why you’d want something the size of a 4 year old kid there is beyond me. But, it’s been a while since I’ve made any kind of doll or bear or anything stuffed with that batting crap, so at least it will be something new.

I also heard from my brother Gary! He emailed me. He said that “they are coming in the next couple of days” to “get are [sic] stuff.” Hmmmmmm…..

Then, of course, we have a new roommate. Yes, since it just *always* works out *so* well, we have *another* person moving in with us. I really need to train Paul to form the words “No Fucking Way” with his mouth. You know, it’s so terribly easy for him to say “No” to me, I just wish this would extend to others.

Remember the useless twins? Well, there’s this woman, I never met her, don’t know her, but she was married to one of them and had a kid with the other one. I’m not even sure which twin is which – which one is the husband and which is the father of the kid. But, anyway, the “kid” is now like 26 years old and is disabled. I’m guessing he has cerebral palsy. His name is Todd. He had to be out of the place he was staying by the first of the month, and he called around looking for a place to stay. Somebody told him “Well, call Paul, I know he has a bunch of extra room, and he’s taken in other people”. So he called here. At first Paul was a little hesitant, and he asked a few friends about the guy, who he had only met a few times. Then he invited the guy over. He asked him if he could make it up the stairs, since that’s where the bathroom was, he asked if he did any drugs (he doesn’t), he asked if he worked (he does), he asked if he was “loud” (he said he isn’t). He told the guy that there were a few rules he would have to follow if he wanted to stay here. I’m thinking the rules are all “lessons learned” from past roommates.

So, here is the “List of Rules Paul Says You Have to Follow to Live in Our House” as told to Todd.

1. You really need to use the bathroom upstairs to take a piss. Don’t go out on the front fucking porch like the useless twins did and piss off of that. I have fucking neighbors, you know.

2. Don’t drink my Gatorade. When I come home from work and all I can think of all the way home is drinking my Gatorade, and then I come home and there’s only milk in the fridge, well, that’s just not a good thing, because really, I don’t even like milk.

3. There are Pop Tars in the cupboard. There’s always Pop Tarts in the cupboard. Do you know why there are always Pop Tarts in the cupboard, Todd? Because every morning I have my Pop Tarts. Don’t eat my Pop Tarts. And don’t eat my Pop Tarts and then go to the store and replace them with Toaster Strudels, thinking you are doing a good thing. Because Toaster Strudels are not Pop Tarts.

4. Don’t be loud. We are quiet people. I don’t want to hear you yelling, or screaming, or even talking in some kind of loud voice. My old lady hates noise. Makes her nervous. Talk in an inside voice, and keep your TV, stereo, and other crap down at levels where she can’t hear it.

5. And the noise thing? Well, that’s really part of the number one rule: Don’t piss Kim off. Because if you piss her off, she bitches at me. And if you think she needs anything new to bitch at me about, you’re crazy. And if you think I need to hear her bitch anymore than she normally does, you’re even crazier. Don’t piss her off. Just don’t. Both of our lives will be much easier.

So, those are the rules, I guess. I hadn’t really thought about what the rules were, but I think Paul got them fairly right. I would have added “Don’t even talk to Kim”, but I don’t think Paul wanted to like scare the guy or anything. Most people think that dialogue and general “talking” and “Good morning, how are you? Did you sleep well?” is like some social obligation when you are living in someone’s house. Me, not so much. I prefer that you not even talk to me unless it’s like absolutely necessary. Which is probably why Paul doesn’t piss me off as much as most people. He knows that kind of thing about me. We can talk in a sort of shorthand that breaks down entire conversations into looks and grunts. Saves time and aggravation. Like after Todd left after the “pre roommate screening”. All Paul said to me after he left was “So?” and I looked at him and shrugged, then I gave him another, sterner look, and Paul immediately said “I know, I’ll tell him not to be loud and not to piss you off. If he’s annoying he’s gone” Then all I said was a sarcastic “yeah, right” and Paul said “If he’s like the useless twins, he’s out, right away, I promise.” No long conversations, no “discussions”, no games  – he knew what I was thinking and I knew he knew what I was worried about. I like that a lot more than those long drawn out “here’s what I think, what do you think?” things. Doesn’t work for me.

And as much as I think this isn’t going to work out, because, really, does it *ever*? Paul is such a damned soft touch, he couldn’t say no. All the guy had to do was show up looking all disabled and telling Paul how he has a job and does his best and tries so hard and needs a place, and well, that’s all Paul needed to hear. Paul is even charging him half of what the guy was paying in his last place, and told him to “save the rest so you can get a place of your own – you need some independence.”

So, Todd is supposed to be here today. Time will tell how annoying he is and how many times I have to bitch.


7 Responses to “Rules of the House”

  1. Joey said

    The rules at my house are very similar.

    But also include

    1. Number ones can be done upstairs, number twos must be done in the downstairs/basement toilet.

    2. Don’t use the ‘display’ towels.

    3. Don’t kick the cats off the furniture, they live here. You don’t.

  2. Ahhhh yes. “THE PET RULES”. We have those, as well, like “Don’t stand there with the fucking door open. The dog WILL run out.” Paul already told the guy – “dude, you need to close the door – the first time Milo gets out, you might as well just leave, because it won’t be pretty.”

    And there’s the whole rule about “Don’t eat and expect to have the food all to yourself. Milo will sit in front of you because he already knows ‘when humans eat, I eat.'”

    We had a woman here one time – some relation of one of the useless twins. Milo is small. He’s only like 12 inches high and weighs like 10 pounds. He jumped on her leg when she came in the door. She reached down and SLAPPED him! Yes! She SLAPPED my dog. I almost fucking lost it. I reached down and picked him up and she looked at me, realizing I was pissed. She says with a little goofy laugh “I don’t like dogs.” So I said to her, “Well, I don’t like kids, either, so I guess it would be ok for me to walk into your house and smack yours up side the fucking head.” She left, thankfully.

    And yes, we have dog hair on our couch – that’s why they call it FURniture.


  3. Joey said

    “I don’t like dogs.” So I said to her, “Well, I don’t like kids, either, so I guess it would be ok for me to walk into your house and smack yours up side the fucking head.” She left, thankfully.

    I’m drinking a tetra pack of cherry cool aid, and now its all down the front me, after coming out my nose.


  4. DT said

    You know, I think you have Paul trained fairly well. He got the rules pretty good. Now, if he tends to let them slide, just hide the damn Pop Tarts and Paul will blame it on Todd. Denny

  5. Lisa Ann said

    Kim –

    I love the idea that you and Paul communicate with looks and gestures…makes me feel less weird. Best of luck to you, hope Todd doesn’t turn out as badly as the past roommates have been!

    Lisa Ann

  6. "jim" said

    more roommates?? hope this time time it works out better for you. it can be a pain, but it can also be a great thing if you like to have someone there who really does like you and enjoys your company. especially if they have the same sense of humor and have always had great times in the past with you. to top it off, it’s even BETTER if they are family. oh hell, who am i kidding, roomate situations just never work out no matter who you are i guess.

    love ya.

  7. Well, not too many people enjoy my company – i’m opinionat judgementa a bitch.
    But at least Todd’s girlfriend is blind, so I don’t have to worry about her stealing out of Joann’s or anything – you know, it never helps when you roommate’s girlfriend is a fucking thief.

    love ya too.

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