Rules of the House
Posted by thedarwinexception on May 1, 2007
With no court to report on today, and since I’m still so far behind in AFCA it’s doubtful if I will ever catch up, I’m devoting my time today to sewing. I’m almost done the little sundress I am making, and then I have another pair of the fuzzy pajamas to make. After that I have a long awaited poodle skirt at the top of the pile, and then an “apron” for Paul. He wants a “toolbelt/apron”, kind of like the one’s you would see Home Depot employees wearing. He has very specific ideas on the size and shape of the pockets. I don’t know, he’s whacked in the head, I think.
Then I have a request from my mother to make her a pair of Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls. She sent me a pattern for the ones that she wants – these things are like 3 fucking feet tall! She wants them “so I can set them on my bed”. Now personally, I don’t like to sleep with dolls or teddy bears or all that crap in my bedroom. I feel like things are watching me all night and it creeps me out. And why you’d want something the size of a 4 year old kid there is beyond me. But, it’s been a while since I’ve made any kind of doll or bear or anything stuffed with that batting crap, so at least it will be something new.
I also heard from my brother Gary! He emailed me. He said that “they are coming in the next couple of days” to “get are [sic] stuff.” Hmmmmmm…..
Then, of course, we have a new roommate. Yes, since it just *always* works out *so* well, we have *another* person moving in with us. I really need to train Paul to form the words “No Fucking Way” with his mouth. You know, it’s so terribly easy for him to say “No” to me, I just wish this would extend to others.
Remember the useless twins? Well, there’s this woman, I never met her, don’t know her, but she was married to one of them and had a kid with the other one. I’m not even sure which twin is which – which one is the husband and which is the father of the kid. But, anyway, the “kid” is now like 26 years old and is disabled. I’m guessing he has cerebral palsy. His name is Todd. He had to be out of the place he was staying by the first of the month, and he called around looking for a place to stay. Somebody told him “Well, call Paul, I know he has a bunch of extra room, and he’s taken in other people”. So he called here. At first Paul was a little hesitant, and he asked a few friends about the guy, who he had only met a few times. Then he invited the guy over. He asked him if he could make it up the stairs, since that’s where the bathroom was, he asked if he did any drugs (he doesn’t), he asked if he worked (he does), he asked if he was “loud” (he said he isn’t). He told the guy that there were a few rules he would have to follow if he wanted to stay here. I’m thinking the rules are all “lessons learned” from past roommates.
So, here is the “List of Rules Paul Says You Have to Follow to Live in Our House” as told to Todd.
1. You really need to use the bathroom upstairs to take a piss. Don’t go out on the front fucking porch like the useless twins did and piss off of that. I have fucking neighbors, you know.
2. Don’t drink my Gatorade. When I come home from work and all I can think of all the way home is drinking my Gatorade, and then I come home and there’s only milk in the fridge, well, that’s just not a good thing, because really, I don’t even like milk.
3. There are Pop Tars in the cupboard. There’s always Pop Tarts in the cupboard. Do you know why there are always Pop Tarts in the cupboard, Todd? Because every morning I have my Pop Tarts. Don’t eat my Pop Tarts. And don’t eat my Pop Tarts and then go to the store and replace them with Toaster Strudels, thinking you are doing a good thing. Because Toaster Strudels are not Pop Tarts.
4. Don’t be loud. We are quiet people. I don’t want to hear you yelling, or screaming, or even talking in some kind of loud voice. My old lady hates noise. Makes her nervous. Talk in an inside voice, and keep your TV, stereo, and other crap down at levels where she can’t hear it.
5. And the noise thing? Well, that’s really part of the number one rule: Don’t piss Kim off. Because if you piss her off, she bitches at me. And if you think she needs anything new to bitch at me about, you’re crazy. And if you think I need to hear her bitch anymore than she normally does, you’re even crazier. Don’t piss her off. Just don’t. Both of our lives will be much easier.
So, those are the rules, I guess. I hadn’t really thought about what the rules were, but I think Paul got them fairly right. I would have added “Don’t even talk to Kim”, but I don’t think Paul wanted to like scare the guy or anything. Most people think that dialogue and general “talking” and “Good morning, how are you? Did you sleep well?” is like some social obligation when you are living in someone’s house. Me, not so much. I prefer that you not even talk to me unless it’s like absolutely necessary. Which is probably why Paul doesn’t piss me off as much as most people. He knows that kind of thing about me. We can talk in a sort of shorthand that breaks down entire conversations into looks and grunts. Saves time and aggravation. Like after Todd left after the “pre roommate screening”. All Paul said to me after he left was “So?” and I looked at him and shrugged, then I gave him another, sterner look, and Paul immediately said “I know, I’ll tell him not to be loud and not to piss you off. If he’s annoying he’s gone” Then all I said was a sarcastic “yeah, right” and Paul said “If he’s like the useless twins, he’s out, right away, I promise.” No long conversations, no “discussions”, no games – he knew what I was thinking and I knew he knew what I was worried about. I like that a lot more than those long drawn out “here’s what I think, what do you think?” things. Doesn’t work for me.
And as much as I think this isn’t going to work out, because, really, does it *ever*? Paul is such a damned soft touch, he couldn’t say no. All the guy had to do was show up looking all disabled and telling Paul how he has a job and does his best and tries so hard and needs a place, and well, that’s all Paul needed to hear. Paul is even charging him half of what the guy was paying in his last place, and told him to “save the rest so you can get a place of your own – you need some independence.”
So, Todd is supposed to be here today. Time will tell how annoying he is and how many times I have to bitch.