The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Letters, I get Letters……

Posted by thedarwinexception on March 14, 2007

I get a lot of mail – both snail mail and e-mail. Most of the mail I get delivered to my house is magazines. I get a ton of magazines. And I don’t read any of them – well, besides Vanity Fair, I generally look through that the minute it arrives. I used to read the jokes in Maxim, but they don’t have the same jokes page that they used to have – and “found porn” is lost, I guess. Which is a shame, I think.

And people send me stuff. I’ve gotten a bunch of stuff from AFCA members. Shirts, CD’s filled with incredible original music, books, fabric, thread racks. All kinds of neat stuff. Which is cool. There’s nothing better than to go to the mailbox and get something neat and unexpected.

Of course, e-mail is not quite the same thing. I get all kinds of stuff there, too, some of it neat – most of it unexpected.

But a lot of it is just downright fucking strange. Especially some of the stupid shit this blog generates. Now, if you have sent me an email asking me a dumb fucking question based on this blog – or a stupid fucking comment –  stop reading this post. Close the blog, and come back tomorrow. You are probably about to be humiliated. But, you know, if you send me a stupid fucking question or comment, you deserve it. Now, if you haven’t sent me a stupid fucking question or comment and just want to hear some of the stupid shit people ask me and say to me – read on. Some of it is fucking bizarre.

[I am keeping the e-mails the way they were sent. Including spelling, punctuation, and signatures. I haven’t included physical addresses or email addresses, if they were included.]

Dear Darwin:

I am studying Charles Darwin in school. Do you know him? Can you tell me anything about him?

Thanks

OK – now what the fuck do I look like – Wiki? What? Is your Google page broken? I didn’t send a reply – there were just too many options to choose from as to what I would say. The one reply I really wanted to send was, “Yeah, I know him. He’s a sonofabitch when he’s drunk – molested me one time after downing a whole jug of Jack, he did.” But I didn’t know how old the person was who asked, and well, you know….

Then there are the people who think that I am a complete asshole for maligning the local residents and the town in general. I got this one, which I think is pretty representative of this general viewpoint:

I read your blog all the time and I think you should stop saying that the people you live around are idots do you think you are not a idot? Someday these people are going to get a compoter of there own and then they are going to find out you are an idot and they are going to say somthing to you. Then what will you do? I think you have a mayer and when the mayer finds out you are saying that only idots living in his town he is going to say somthing to you to.

Mike

I did send a reply to Mike. I said simply “Hi Mike! Glad you are enjoying the blog!” He didn’t write back. I’m hoping he didn’t write the “mayer”.

After I posted the article on the prisons of Malone, I got this email:

Darwin Exception

I think you are not being fair in your post. Most places would be happy to have prisons in their town because that way they could put more people in jail. There would be less crime if people knew that they could go to jail anytime.

Lisa

I wrote Lisa back and said “Lisa: Thanks for that thought provoking rebuttal. Kim”

After I posted a picture of my deep purple colored bedroom, I got this little gem.

HI!
I LOVE THE PLUM COLOR OF YOUR BEDROOM. CAN YOU MAIL ME A SAMPLE OF YOUR BEDROOM? DO YOU THINK THIS COLOR WOULD LOOK GOOD IN MY LIVING ROOM?

SHEILA

I wrote back to Sheila – IF YOU MAIL ME A SAMPLE OF YOUR LIVING ROOM, I WILL LET YOU KNOW IF IT WOULD LOOK GOOD IN THIS COLOR.

I haven’t gotten that sample, yet.

After I started posting the AFCA Summaries, well, that generated all kinds of weird shit. Now people think they can just write me “random questions” and that I will either “know the answer” or be able to find the answer for them. Let me tell ya, I’m really not into doing people’s homework, or even in knowing just what kind of sick fucking minds can think this shit up. And why these people think I know the answers to their stupid fucking questions is beyond me. Generally, I refer these people to AFCA, and just tell them to stop in, lurk for a bit, then ask their question. Here is a sampling of some of the people I have referred to AFCA.

Kim,

I see you know lots of weird information. Do you know if there is a Roman Numeral for WW11?

Thanks

Leo

Hi – do you know if Kris Kristofferson will tour Europe this year?

Hi Darwin Exception

My friend said that Arab people have sex in a different way than Americans. I googled for how they had sex and I didn’t find anything. Is this true and how do Arab people have sex?

Thanks for your help

Loren

Hi

I want to trick someone into thinking I am pregnant. Do you know if there is a place online where I could get a fake ultrasound picture? Please don’t answer me on your site, you can write to me at this email address.

Kelli

Oh Lord fucking help us.

Hi

I love your blog. You are really funny and smart. I have an aquarium with two turtles in it. There is just a few inches of water on the bottom deep enough for the turtles. If I put a goldfish in that water would it be enough water for the goldfish?

Thanks!

Tammy

Darwin Excpetion

I have a question for you I haven’t seen on your blog. If I walked North (I would use a compass), how many miles would I have to walk before I would get to an ocean? Thanks for your help with this matter.

Todd

PS. I live in Texas – I think that’s important to the question HAHAHA

Hi

Do you know how incense is made? Can I make my own at home? What do I need? (I have an oven and a microwave.)

Rhonda

Now, if you see your email above – don’t email me again complaining. I told you not to read this post. And yes, I think you are an “idot”. And don’t write me asking me any more stupid fucking questions.

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9 Responses to “Letters, I get Letters……”

  1. […] Original post by thedarwinexception […]

  2. Boron Elgar said

    This is great….you’re getting Cecil Adams’ mail now.

  3. Dana said

    Okay, they mostly are “idots.” But some of them just aren’t great at English composition — I’m pretty sure the lady with the living room (as opposed to the rest of us) wanted a sample of the paint color in your bedroom.

    And I have a feeling that Tammy with the turtles is a little kid. Though I could be wrong. Been known to happen.

    And I hope Kelli’s boyfriend reads your blog. Skank.

  4. Sara said

    That’s priceless Kim! There are some amzing ones out there! FYI No new news really to report except the twit told her ex he could keep the son she wants the girls…think someone is missing child support section 8 and disability payments at all?

  5. Boron Elgar Says:
    March 14th, 2007 at 4:47 pm e
    This is great….you’re getting Cecil Adams’ mail now.

    I don’t want it! Make it Stop!

    Kim

  6. FYI No new news really to report except the twit told her ex he could keep the son she wants the girls…think someone is missing child support section 8 and disability payments at all?

    Last I heard they were both on their way to rehab. Did they give up on that idea?

    Kim

  7. darkon said

    Dear Darwin:

    Do white people poop white?

  8. Sara said

    Don’t know, what other choice do they have since they have to be out of the trailor?

  9. Hi Sara –

    How do you know they have to be out of the trailor? Seems they’ve been there since they left here – the landlord can’t be too upset with them – he’s let them stay. And why would she be after custody of the girls with no place to live or a long stay at rehab in the near future? That makes no sense.

    I was hoping they would go to rehab and clean up – and that once clean, Gary would see she’s not “the woman for him.” Gary needs a relationship with his family and his daughters, not a co dependent relationship with her. I still hold out hope for Gary. He’s usually a smart guy.

    Kim

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