The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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I Learned it in AFCA 03/02/07 – 03/08/07

Posted by thedarwinexception on March 9, 2007

YOU WILL LEARN STUFF HERE

A lot of the original Spanish horses were “improved” by the release of draft stallions in the 19th century. Spanish Mustangs are classified as a landrace rather than a formal breed, although several registries have been started to formalize and conserve the original Spanish/Barb roots of feral horses: the American Indian Horse Registry, the Spanish Mustang Registry, the Spanish Barb Breeders Association, and the Southwest Spanish Mustang Association.

In the 1730s, Pierre Louis Maupertuis used some ideas of Newton and Bernoulli to predict that the Earth should be oblate, and in 1736 went on an expedition to measure it. The difference from a sphere is so small that it was close to the limit of technology even then.

Daal is a fancy word for legumes that form the base of the Indian diet. Red lentils, yellow peas, etc

chives are the only species in genus Allium (onions, chives, shallots, scallions, garlic, leek, etc) that’s native to both Europe and North America.

The Bush administration has accelerated its Internet surveillance push by proposing that Web sites must keep records of who uploads photographs or videos in case police determine the content is illegal and choose to investigate, CNET News.com has learned.
In practice, some Web businesses already make it a practice to store personal information forever. Google stores search terms indefinitely, for instance, while AOL says it deletes them after 30 days.

due to increased mercury levels it is not recommended to eat more than 2 squirrels a week.

Carl Linnaeus, later Carl von Linne, later Carolus Linnaeus, was the first to come up with a logically consistent _System_ of classification that had: [1] a hierarchy and [2] a place for every known plant and animal with room for expansion for all yet-to-be-discovered
animals and plants. And even he didn’t get it right on the first try. His Systema Naturaewent through several editions, and it was only on the 10th try that he finally got it right.

“The Gores used about 191,000 kilowatt hours in 2006, according tobills reviewed by The Associated Press. The typical Nashville household uses about 15,600 kilowatt-hours per year.”

After living more than 20 years in the United States, rock musician David Coverdale has become an American.

“…The Manhattan Institute received $19,470,416 in grants from 1985-2005, from foundations such as the Koch Family Foundations, the John M. Olin Foundation, Inc., the Lynde and Harry Bradley Foundation, the Scaife Foundations, and the Smith Richardson Foundation. [That’s a million a year just from other similar “foundations” that do say
where their money went] The Manhattan Institute does not disclose its corporate funding, but the Capital Research Center listed its contributors as Bristol-Myers Squibb, Exxon Mobil, Chase Manhattan, Cigna, Sprint, Reliant Energy, Lincoln Financial Group Foundation, and Merill Lynch…”

A typical house dust mite measures 420 µm in length and 250 to 320 µm in width. Both male and female adult house dust mites are globular in shape, creamy white and have a striated cuticle.

Manneken Pis (“little man piss” in English), is a Brussels landmark. It is a small bronze fountain sculpture depicting a naked little boy urinating into the fountain’s basin. Similar statues can be found in the Belgian towns of Geraardsbergen, Broksele and Hasselt. There is an ongoing dispute over which Manneken Pis is the oldest – the one in Brussels or the one in Geraardsbergen.

“Bobcat (Lynx rufus, or commonly felis rufus) is a wild cat native to North America. They are found mostly in the United States, southern Canada, and northern Mexico. The bobcat is an adaptable animal that inhabits wooded areas as well as semi-desert, urban,
and swampland environments.”

“[By October 1904] Britain was close to war with Russia. On the night of the twenty-second, the Russian Baltic Fleet, steaming off the North Sea’s Dogger Bank on the first leg of its doomed voyage to the Far East, suddenly found itself surrounded by an unidentified cluster of small boats.  Somehow mistaking the craft caught in their
searchlights for Japanese toredo boats, the Russian sailors opened fire. One Hull fishing trawler was sunk and others damaged; two English fishermen were decapitated and several more were wounded. The London press screamed for war…. The crisis continued for another week…. On November 1, [the First Lord Of The Admiralty] wrote…’It has very nearly been war again….but the Russians have climbed down again.'”

Not long after the birth of Christ, when the most debauched phase of Roman history began, the wife of Emperor Claudius — Messalina, 34 years his junior — made a name for herself by challenging the city’s best known whore to a sex marathon. Who can keep going for longer, the licentious wife wanted to know. She won by holding out for “25 rounds.”

Pharmacists are required to put a “beyond-use” date on prescriptions, which is either the manufacturer’s expiration date or 1 year from the date the drug is dispensed, whichever is earlier.

Chad Conrad Castagana, 39, is a American from Woodland Hills, California. Castagana was arrested by the Joint Terrorism Task Force on November 12 2006 on suspicion of sending threatening letters filled with white powder intended to mimic anthrax or other
WMDs to Keith Olbermann, Jon Stewart, Sumner Redstone, David Letterman, Nancy Pelosi, Charles Schumer, and others.

“Starting in the Bronze Age, cists were sometimes interred into cairns, which would be situated in conspicuous positions, often on the skyline above the village of the deceased. The stones may have been thought to deter grave robbers and scavengers. A more sinister explanation is that they were to stop the dead from rising. It is noteworthy that there is a Jewish tradition of placing small stones on a person’s grave whenever you visit, as a token of respect. (Flowers are not usually placed on graves in the Orthodox Jewish tradition.) Stupas in India and Tibet etc. probably started out in a similar fashion, although they now generally contain the ashes of a Buddhist saint or lama.”

STUFF THAT MADE ME LAUGH

You can’t fool me.  Jesus says no to crack.

Sometimes a difficult birth requires a c section.

It’s very rare indeed – usually, their paws can’t reach the pedals.

If anybody needs me, I’ll be at that kid’s house.

Now I want you two to hook arms and sing that song that Bugs and Daffy used to sing.

No, that was sis.

You should be able to beat them; they’re both dead.

I like Ron White’s spiel about the diamond ads:  They used to say “Diamonds are forever.”  Then they changed it to “Diamonds. Render her speechless.”  Why don’t they just say what they mean? “Diamonds.  That’ll shut her up.”

If getting a blowjob in your town involves pulling it in half, I think I’ll pass.

If it’s a snake, don’t take chances;
Chop it in half with a shovel.

I don’t think I’d do very well “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader” , but if they ever have a spin off called ” Can you beat the shit out of a fifth grader?”   I’ bet I could score some really nice consolation prizes

It was like being inside of Pamela Anderson. All plastic and you’re wondering what the hell went on here before you.

Well, he recovered, so I’d say he didn’t even choke right.

CONFESSIONS

Last night, I decided that one of my new job-interview questions is going to be “If Jesus was 50 feet tall, what size Levis 501s would he wear?”

Hey, my thumb’s all wrinkly.

I felt old for about half an hour last night.

 I, on the other hand, am still a man, even while wearing pants.

I’m a “big-endian”.

The night I was born, the Beatles performed at the Cavern Club in Liverpool for that last time ever.

I admit I didn’t fact-check before I posted.

I don’t like food that smells like pee.

WE SAY IT BECAUSE WE CAN

Brits don’t have sex. If it weren’t for the immigrants, we’d have died out by now.

MOTTO’s

We’re historicly entertaining!

That would be handy.  I’ll feel around.

When you’re out of sheep, you’re out of baaaah.

“Opus” is just “Soup” spelled sideways
 
 I’m a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a tux, baby
 
 I fear ululation and swung scimitars.

AFCAN ADVICE

Saying that there is “no such thing as a brontosaurus” is like saying “there is no such thing as a cat or a moggy or a pussy – have to go, I’ve got to feed the Felis domesticus”.  Behaviour like that will attract unwelcome stares, and I advise against it.

That’s just your oddball fantasy coming out again, you really should get a grip on yourself.

That’s the problem with Beethoven music. Needs more cowbell.

All I can say is, if you have relatives living far away, whose funeral you would like to attend to, make sure you plan it ahead.

INNOCENT QUERIES

Would getting his balls cut off count as a stress situation?

How the hell much does a toothbrush cost in your neck of the woods?

If you can’t cough up your own impetus, is that condition called impetussis?

where can I get a codpiece made out of the pubic hair of Tibetan monks?

“Why buy her a diamond?  She won’t last forever.”

I mean, if I were in a hospital the last thing in the world I’d want to see coming through the door would be a Christian Clown, but I’m not everybody, am I?

SIMPLE TRUTHS

Shortening any Iron Maiden song to 0:00 would be OK in my book.

A beauty contest where the talent competition involves pig lassoing has enough irony to teach _us_ plenty.

BAND NAMES

Atmosphere Deluxe

Back-up gumballs

Periwinkle Lips

striated cuticle

Tiny Drumstick Bonanza

tank sweat

Buckling linoleum

schadenfreudalicious
 
 the carotenoid of interest

TOP 10 TRUE BASEBALL INJURIES

1) Nolan Ryan was bitten by a coyote

2) Phil Niekro injured his hand shaking hands too hard

3) Chris Brown injured his eye by sleeping on his eye wrong

4) Rick Honeycutt injured his wrist while flicking sunflower seeds in the dugout

5) George Brett hit his foot on a chair and broke his toe while running from the kitchen to the TV to see Bill Buckner hit

6) Kevin Mitchell strained a muscle while vomiting

7) Ricky Bones hurt his lower back getting out of a chair while watching TV in the clubhouse

8.) Odiebe McDowell cut his finger buttering a roll at the Texas Ranger’s welcome home luncheon

9) Wade Boggs hurt his back when he lost his balance while trying to put on cowboy boots

10) John Smoltz burned his chest while ironing a shirt that he was wearing

DRIVE-BY TAXPAYER

Is there a simple list of all the forms I need to fill out for all the various goddamm mutherfucking, sweaty ballsack sucking government agencies, along with the due dates?

WE HIT THE ARCHIVES TO BRING YOU

“How many men gets their dicks cut off in an average year?”

“I would think having your dick cut off keeps it from being an average year for almost anyone.”

                   –Boron Elgar and Michael Lorton, AFCA, 7/15/2001

TOP TEN WAYS TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS TO US SENATOR KEN SALAZAR (D-CO):

10) Stand on capitol steps, and wait
9) Stand on capitol steps with placard, and wait
8.) Stand on capitol steps with placard and bullhorn, and wait
7) Have sent a letter two to four weeks ago
6) Email
5) Fax
4) Show up in person at one of his offices in Colorado, listed at
  http://salazar.senate.gov/contact/index.html
3) Show up in person at his offices in the Hart Senate Office Building and ask to speak to someone
2) Stand on capitol steps with placard and bullhorn, and read lengthy prepared statement to assembled national network TV camera crews

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS TO US SENATOR KEN SALAZAR (D-CO):

1) Donate large sums of money

GROO PUTS ON HIS TINFOIL HAT AND OFFERS

READ THIS POST CAREFULLY!!! Don’t make any sudden moves, and don’t give any signs of alarm. Act naturally, or as naturally as a man such as yourself can.

Your telephone has become self-aware. Manufacturers have been steadily adding “features” to phones…DTMF tones, auto-redial, PBX interfaces, Hello Kitty ringtones, etc. In order to accomplish these things, more and more sophisticated microcontrollers have been added to the hardware over the years. It has gotten to the point that the average telephone has more processing power than the entire NSA had in 1951 (true, look it up).

It was inevitable that this would eventually result in a telephone exceeding the Turing Limit. Yours has, and it is showing signs of passive-aggressive behavior. If you are not careful, things could escalate out of control, and probably will not survive the experience.
Have you seen the Terminator documentaries?

Stick with your normal routine. When you are safely out of the room, arm yourself with a flamethrower, earmuffs, and a sledgehammer. When you return, remember to light the flamethrower before you go in. Put on the earmuffs so that you cannot hear anything the phone says…it will try to confuse you. As soon as you have that sucker in your sights, hose it down with liquid fire. If for some reason that doesn’t work, or you find yourself dangerously close to the handset, use the sledgehammer on it. But don’t set it on fire and then smash it with the sledgehammer, that rarely works out well. Learn from my
experience. If for some reason you have to do this, don’t mention it to the State Farm guy. Just tell him the fire was caused by faulty wiring, and you’ll still be on the side of the angels.

Good luck, Godspeed, and remember…stay away from the pod bay doors.

Reasons why AFCA thinks people should be shot, 1999 – 2006

For using the word “synergy”
For inventing ringtones
For wanting packaged corned beef
For not maintaining an exclusive relationship between 0/O and 1/l
For stating outrageous beliefs
For having a web site with a pop up saying “your computer is infected
with spyware, click OK to fix”
For holding up check out lines
For working as a realtor
For lying about birth control
For making an illegal left turn
For working for cash
For looting
For being an overused metaphor
For using an apostrophe in the possessive “its” in a language thread
For editing Spider Man
For being a musician someone doesn’t like
For being a prop comic
For telling Kris Kristofferson he could sing
For throwing a rock
For not realizing how lucky you are that you’ve found your true soulmate
For liking The Sound of Music
For being an extremist
For being a generalization
For not being absolutely certain
For selling a UUCP service
For inventing fakey fountain iced tea
For driving an SUV
For being a deluded drug nazi party pooper
For spending too much time reading AFCA
For calling for a moratorium on complaining about complaints of straw-man arguments
For responding to an invitation with “maybe”
For complaining about paying twice for a bass line
For being a telemarketer
For being “some people” who shouldn’t be hit with a rake or forced to watch Family Matters
For being “some people” who are difficult to distinguish from the general population.
“To send the right message”

Reasons AFCA thinks people should not be shot

For stealing TVs
For engaging in incestuous activities
For owning anything that’s a potential weapon

People AFCA believes should be hit in the face with a rake
(Adsulto Imprudentia Ab Rastrum)

Meg Ryan
Fans of Meg Ryan
Bryan Adams
Dawn Davis
The NSA
People who use sie and hir
The Velveteen Rabbit
People posting about pissed-off people
People who post Haikus
Anna Nicole
People who voted for George Bush
Ralph Nader
People from AFCA who submit crap to AHBOU
People who ask for a summary of AFCA in jokes
A particular garden gnome
People who’d like to drown Martha in soup
People who start stupid threads
People who deserve cruel and unusual punishments (after all the others are banned)
Anyone who wants cheesy songs from the ’70s to make a comeback
Lawyers
People who believe Moon Landing ULs (with Buzz Aldrin wielding the rake)
Anyone who could kick a dog
Lesmond (self admitted, for killing a Corvair)
USB Ports
The major labels and their whores in the RIAA
An odius soap opera character
The “Dude you’re getting a Dell” character
Meg Ryan

People who shall be spared the face rake treatment

Women having anxiety attacks on planes
People Huey hits with a shovel
People who dodge while on the “getting hit in the face with a rake” ride
Anyone who faced the wrath of Kim’s Husband’s biker gangs
Estron (because he stops singing when the “Get the Rake” chant starts)

Reasons AFCA thinks people will be up against the pockmarked wall come the revolution

For putting your dog in daycare
For not setting up an internet based network for sharing earthquake data
For being a member of al Qaeda
For sending religious spam in text messages
For removing headers from text messages
For being an unashamed anti-ribish flannel-bigot
For writing books and making money and no doubt investing some of it too
For being a reactionary zebra
For forgetting that Conservative Christian political activism is attempting to *restore* the US to the great Christian nation it once was.
For being a Microsoft product that generates crappy HTML output
For being an American Express card which “screws everyone in the chain despite the steady pounding of klassy advertising”
For being homosexual
For not being homosexual
For being unable to tell if this window treatmeant goes with this wallpaper
For not understanding that one is driving a shiny new 2007 Juggernaut XLS because we’re destroying the Alaskan wilderness to feed it at $2 a gallon
For seceeding from the US over the poor treatment of California
For working for the IRS
For dodging taxes that the working man really has to pay for
For posting in political threads on AFCA
For working without checking if the wage rate is acceptable to an uninvolved third party
For being an atheist
For requiring low-flow toilets
For laughing at Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
For being libertarian
For banning guns
For working in marketing
For wearing a hat to a wedding that mimicks a Bad Hair Day
For preferring an unvetted by Cecil sentence which uses all 26 letters exactly once.
For enjoying high brow cunnilingus humor
For being a small nation, just cause
For designing a font without an easily distinguished difference between 0/O and 1/l
For using the phrase “hardworking families”

Reasons AFCA thinks people will be spared the pockmarked wall

For not being licensed to vote
For writing Gone With the Wind

AFCA SAYS THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD TAKE AWAY YOUR…

Rake
Internet Connection
Opus Points (TM)
Chemical Weapons
Cleavage
Flames
Invective
Precious Names
Intellectual Property
Decorum
U Bend
Poetic License
Uterus
Mouse
Penguins
IED
Killfile
Disagreement
Magazines
Apostrophe Key
Perspective
Bologna and all other Meat Products passed through Tiny Holes
Language
Scrolls
Monkeys
Nazism
Groo
Sex Tokens
Taco
Lake
Hump
NAMBLA
Gunsh
Bo-Baseball
Green Card
Manners
Pope
Shovel
NNTP Access to soc.history.war.world-war-II
WLAN
Sarcasm
Civility
Stamps
Threads
Needs
Condescension
Point
Hyperbole
Summation
Reason and Intelligence
Burning Cross
Spam
Zoos
Plaid
Judgement
Sigs
Winkie
Amy
Cyclamates
Polygraph
Door
Toilet
Shark
White People
Copies
Mule
Ban
Cite
America
Sacks of Bingo Daubers
Meat Curtain
Used Underwear
Catnip Mouse
Steenkin’ Badgers
Cross-Stitch Floss
Wiffle Bats
Gams
Gavels
Loyalty
Oldies
Carcinogenic Mold
Innocense
Turkey Basters
Bill of Rights
Mobil Speed Pass
Puppies
Gum Eraser
Airline Tickets
Threads
Gasolhol
Crotchless Panties
Gub
Margarine
Nazis
French Fries
Cat’s Guns
Affirmative Action, Assault-Rifles, and Opt-Out Spam
Pro-Abortion Nazi Guns
Caps Lock Key

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5 Responses to “I Learned it in AFCA 03/02/07 – 03/08/07”

  1. Queen Minx said

    ‘due to increased mercury levels it is not recommended to eat more than 2 squirrels a week.’

    Dammitt!! So if I am eating say … two squirrels a day, does that mean eventually I will become a human thermometer?? That works for me, I always wanted to join a Carnival … I had something more exotic in mind, but the freak show will do!!

    wink!

    xx

  2. I’m thinking 2 squirrels a day will eventually make you sick – maybe you should switch on and off with possums or armadillos. Or throw in an occassional pigeon.

    Kim

  3. Hatpin said

    You don’t need to be full of mercury to become a Human Thermometer. I’ve worked out another way.

    Do you know what the liquid is in those thermometers with a red line? That’s right, it’s alcohol with a red colouring added. That’s why I’m drinking lots of beer and eating Chicken Tikka.

    Honestly, that’s why.

  4. Queen Minx said

    Aha!

    In that case, I will eat as many squirrels as I possibly can, whilst drinking disgusting amounts of alcohol.

    I can’t possibly lose.

    I think being a Human Thermometer make come in very handy as a part-time job. I wonder how much I can earn an hour??!!

    Methinks I shall ponder this right now … I am on my second can of budweiser and roasting my 3rd squirrel on the barbecue!

    Oh yum!

    wink!
    xx

  5. You FAILED to mention that, “the registries that were started to formalize and conserve the original Spanish/Barb roots of feral horses: the American Indian Horse Registry, the Spanish Mustang Registry, the Spanish Barb Breeders Association, and the Southwest Spanish Mustang Association”, all got their base stock from the original, “Spanish, Spanish Mustangs”, – LONG BEFORE – “the horses were ‘improved’ by the release of draft stallions in the 19th century”(along with numerous other modern breeds suffering from biological-built-in-obsolesce). And that these tinfoil hat wearing “cowboy-amish” ranchers hold that many of the people up against the pockmarked wall one day, should rightfully be the founders of OTHER horse registries, that have been influenced by foreign nationals to create pricey races of microchephlic, highly disease-susceptible equines, with “glass” leg bones (due to their, deliberately, bred in Marfan’s syndrome).

    Also that, when the revolution finally does come, all of the breeders of “Spanish Mustangs”, will actually be preserved by their insatiable appetite for copious quantities of squirrels (and various, other especially tasty critters), washed down with unimaginable quantities of Cutty Sark (the resulting high mercury/alcohol levels, being the only viable antidote for the coming terrorist inflicted, biological purges).

    Yh-e-e Ha-a-w-w-w! Bring it on!!!

    (-; winkies 😉

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