The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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OJ and Other Stupid Criminals in the News

Posted by thedarwinexception on March 8, 2007

OJ Simpson reads my blog. Can you believe it? Well, he does. I don’t know whether to be flattered, disgusted or afraid.

Back on  February 11th, I posted a story on the numerous alleged fathers of Anna Nicole’s baby. In that post I speculated that OJ Simpson would surely come forward and claim that he was the child’s father. Well, lo and behold, hasn’t the guy gone and done so. Now I am concerned that OJ reads my blog, and he figured “Hey! Kim has something there! She’s right, I could claim paternity and have access to all that money, and Fred Goldman couldn’t touch the bank accounts! And Kim is right, I don’t have to trust the DNA results –  when has *that* ever concerned me? I’m OJ Fucking Simpson for fuck’s sake – everyone knows my DNA is fucking special and doesn’t follow normal DNA conventions of testing and matching!”

And now I’m worried. If I gave OJ the idea to go ahead and claim paternity, what’s next? Will Kevin Federline step forward as I speculated? Will Fred Goldman sue me for being a public nuisance? I am going to set up a special PayPal account where all of you can contribute to my legal defense fund. I will call it the “Shut the Fuck Up OJ, It was a fucking Joke, You can’t really Expect Us to Believe You actually Fucked Anna Nicole and The Kid Doesn’t Even Look Bi racial You Idiot, Go Back and Play Golf and Get out of the Newspapers Your 15 Minutes is Up” Fund.

Contribute Until it Hurts, people.

Here are some less famous but equally stupid criminals in the newspapers.

It will be really dangerous when they  smarten up and start getting bigger ammo.


I am so *not* going to be on a jury where the dead guy is sitting in the courtroom. But the press can call it the “Weekend at Bernie’s” trial.


I think next year the state should issue him “Save the Whales” plates and see what happens. Of course, he’ll probably be *making* license plates for a few years.


Some people should just let their lawyers do all the talking in court.


Well, you knew it had to happen sooner or later.


I don’t get this. Easier how? What, you’ll only have to dial 9-1 now?


Is it wrong that I *so* would love to see a video of this incident?


Well, that narrows it down.


You know, sometimes I just feel for the police. I could never be an officer and respond to a call like this. I’d hit this woman in the head myself – hard enough to make her bowels go off


It’s good to carry concerned weapons. Someone has to be concerned about these things.


And they say the youth of America are overweight and lazy.


You know, I believe he might have robbed the place, too.


He only killed them a little bit?


“fled” the area? “Undetected”? Are they really sure this was a turtle?


Do bananas really hide identity that well?


Quick thinking cashier to just shut the window like that.


…….and my favorite. I think you can figure out why.





2 Responses to “OJ and Other Stupid Criminals in the News”

  1. njgill said

    “Dialing 911 to get easier”:
    They’re finally going to put that eleven button on the phone?

  2. Randee said

    Hurrah! Again!

    A lot of throwing stuff going on in this particular edition: Rocks, cans, snowmobiles. And I think the animals are starting to gang up on us, starting with those raccoons and Chihuahuas … but don’t count out the snapping turtles. Never underestimate turtles….

    On another note, I hope Paul is doing well.

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