The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Britney’s Bald, Anna is still Dead, The Ceiling Leaks and The Cat Sucks

Posted by thedarwinexception on February 19, 2007

So Britney Spears has decided that her drapes should match her carpet, so to speak, I mean, just judging from all those crotch shots she regaled us with, and she has shaved her head. Of course she looks like an idiot. But, hey, if it knocks Anna Nicole off the front page – I say she should shave the kid’s heads, too. Might make them lighter, too, so you know, she can carry them without dropping them.

And yes, in case you were worried about the lack of Anna Nicole news in the light of the “We Interrupt The Broadcast to report that Britney has shaved her head” phenomenon, there are more contenders in line who claim they are the Daddy of Anna Nicole’s money baby. Now her bodyguard is in the mix, saying *he* had a “fling” with Anna Nicole, and that he might be the father. Which brings the list up to 5 self declared fathers. And I’m guessing that bodyguard wasn’t a very good bodyguard, if there are 5 contenders. I think he was slacking.

And now my kitchen ceiling is leaking. Yes, it’s always something. And I can’t understand how the kitchen ceiling could be leaking, if there’s like a whole room above it. Doesn’t that seem odd? You would think that something was in the master bedroom overflowing and leaking through the ceiling, right? Isn’t that the way it would work? But, no….there’s nothing overflowing but the kitchen ceiling is definitely leaking. And there’s definitely a whole room above the kitchen.

Paul says the leak is coming from outside. Apparently, and this is just *his* theory, there is a buildup of ice on the *inside* of the crappy aluminum siding on the house, and that when it gets warm enough to melt, the resulting water
somehow finds it’s way into a little trench that ends up coming across the kitchen ceiling and leaking. I don’t fucking know. Sounds fishy to me. I still think there’s something leaking in the master bedroom. What that could be, I do not know. It’s not like we have a waterbed or anything. But, see that line across the ceiling in the picture? That whole line is leaking. Real fucking nice, I know.

So Paul’s friend’s Ray & Lynn, the one’s who held the New Year’s Party, just got a computer. It’s an old, used computer that didn’t even come with a CD drive. (And how old is *that*?) And Paul did the ONE thing he knows he is  NEVER supposed to do. He told them “Well, if you have any problems with it, give Kim a call – *she* can help you out!” So, of course, the first thing this morning I got a phone call from Ray. His keyboard cord didn’t match up with the computer plug. I looked around, found an adapter, and he came over and got it. Then he called again, he said that didn’t work. So he came over again and I just gave him one of my extra keyboards. Then he called and asked what he would have to buy if he wanted a CD Burner. So, I looked around (which wasn’t hard because the computer room is now basically empty) and I found an old CD Burner I had. I told him he could have it as long as he did not call me to install it – and I gave him the name of my computer guy. But when he came over for the CD Burner, he asked if I had any “programs” he could run. I just changed the subject really quickly, I’m no fool – the minute you start giving people “programs to run”, that’s just *asking* for phone calls when something doesn’t work. I’m not opening that can of fucking worms, no way, no how. Especially not with some fucking Malonian.

Oh – one other thing. Do any of you have cats? I still have this evil little fucker my brother left here – and I tell ya, I hate this fucking cat. Normally, I’m a cat person. I like cats. Had them all my life. But I’ve never seen a cat like this one. He sucks on me. No, seriously, he sucks on me. All night long he wakes me up sucking on my arms, my face, my neck, my legs, my feet, any bare skin her can find. He sucks on it. And picking him up by the neck and throwing him across the room doesn’t help. He doesn’t suck on Paul (good thing, too), but he sucks on me.

Why is he doing this? This can’t be normal. Is there something wrong with him? Like is he mentally deficient or something? I mean, if he was a *local* cat, well, you know, I’d understand I have to make concessions and all – but this cat is from Vermont! Lately I’ve taken to throwing his ass out on the back porch at night before I go to bed – just so I can sleep through the night.

God I hate this cat. He’s a jumper, too. Always jumping on the counters, on the kitchen island, on the *table* – I hate that in a cat. So, do any of you know what the hell is wrong with this thing?

But Heroes is on tonight, and after last week’s “Lost”, I’m hoping Heroes will fill my “I can’t wait” void. So let the kitchen ceiling leak and the suck ass jumping cat go on the back porch for the night. Because I don’t give a shit.

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8 Responses to “Britney’s Bald, Anna is still Dead, The Ceiling Leaks and The Cat Sucks”

  1. ladylori62 said

    lmao! After Anna and Brittney, I don’t even want to know what’s coming next. You know they come in threes.
    I think the cat is a bit strange. No words of wisdom coming from this direction on that topic, except maybe buy him a pacifier or something.
    Great blog.
    Lori

  2. Veronique said

    Your kitty is sucking on you because he had a traumatic kittenhood and was weaned too young.

    Seriously.

    See if he’ll suck on a wool sweater instead.

    V.

  3. ansaman said

    I know people who would pay for a cat like that!

  4. ansaman said

    “Your comment is awaiting moderation.”

    WOW! I thought I was pretty moderate 🙂

  5. Hatpin said

    As Veronique says, the sucking sounds like an early weaning – he should stop doing that on his own. As for jumping on things, the only thing you can hope for is that he’ll learn not to jump on things while someone’s around. Once the door’s shut and no-one’s with him, all bets are off.

  6. Lisa Ann said

    Kim, can’t help you with the sucking, but I have some advice for the jumping…duct tape. Put duct tape, face up, on the surfaces you don’t want that cat jumping on. He’ll jump on it, get tangled in the duct tape (providing hours of amusement)…you’ll replace the duct tape a few more times and he eventually learns “Hey, if I jump up there, I get this sticky shit all over me” and stops jumping up. He may also learn to suck the duct tape instead of you. Maybe. I doubt it, but he might.

    Lisa Ann

  7. Randee said

    That line about the drapes matching the carpet is classic. Terribly wonderfully clever.

    As for the sucky cat, I once adopted a cat for a short time which sucked on its own paws. You’d hear this odd wet sound and turn around and it wasn’t licking, it was sucking. I was told it was a weaning thing, too, but this was a full grown cat, so I think it was a permanent problem.

    Anyway, no solution there, just commiseration.

  8. Jane said

    They have scat mats for cats you can put on furniture and counters. Check your local pet store. The cat wasn’t properly weaned and probably is looking for comfort. It obviously wasn’t trained either. Your reacting that way isn’t going to help the situation. In fact, it may make the cat more confused and full of anxiety. If you can’t deal with the cat anymore, contact your local PetsMart if you have them where you are. They usually have adoption centers and people that keep cats until they are adopted. Don’t take him to a shelter if it comes to this. But this cat just needs love and attention obviously. Someone to give him a chance and put up with some of his idiosyncracies kindly.

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