The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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I Learned it in AFCA 02/08/07 – 02/14/07

Posted by thedarwinexception on February 16, 2007

YOU WILL LEARN STUFF HERE

Vermont lawmakers are considering a measure that would ban eating, drinking, smoking, reading, writing, personal grooming, playing an instrument, “interacting with pets or cargo,” talking on a cell phone or using any other personal communication device while driving. The punishment: a fine of up to $600.

Telling a cop “Blow me” is solicitation of a crime.

Irregardless is a word that many mistakenly believe to be correct usage in formal style, when in fact it is used chiefly in nonstandard speech or casual writing. Coined in the United States in the early 20th century, it has met with a blizzard of condemnation for being an improper yoking of irrespective and regardless and for the logical absurdity of combining the negative ir- prefix and -less suffix in a single term. Although one might reasonably argue that it is no different from words with redundant affixes like debone and unravel, it has been considered a blunder for decades and will probably continue to be so.

“Below about -25  C (translates as -13F), ice cream is stable for indefinite periods without danger of ice crystal growth; however, above this temperature, ice crystal growth is possible and the rate of crystal growth is dependant upon the temperature of storage. This limits the shelf life of the ice cream.”

Now you can get your daily calcium requirement and your buzz all at once with the new beverage that combines two of the world’s favorite liquids: milk and beer. A Japanese brewery has succeeded in creating a combination drink known as “bilk” which was designed in part to help use up surplus milk, reported Mainichi Daily News. “Bilk” reportedly has a fruity taste which manufacturers hope will be appealing to women.

The carcinogenic properties of nicotine in standalone form, separate from tobacco smoke, have not been evaluated by the IARC, and it has not been assigned to an official carcinogen group. The currently available literature indicates that nicotine, on its own, does not promote the development of cancer in healthy tissue and has no mutagenic properties. Its teratogenic properties have not yet been adequately researched

Willard Mitt Romney, 58 years old, was born into a prominent political family. His late father, George Romney, was the governor of Michigan in the 1960s – a Rockefeller Republican whose own presidential ambitions evaporated after a gaffe over the Vietnam War. (He described himself as a victim of “brainwashing.”) The son got his first name from J. Willard Marriott, the hotel magnate and a friend of his father’s. The middle name – the catchy one – comes from a relative who played for the Chicago Bears in the 1920’s.

Carboniferous rocks in Europe and eastern North America largely consist of a repeated sequence of limestone, sandstone, shale and coal beds, known as “cyclothems” in the U.S. and “coal measures” in Britain.  In North America, the early Carboniferous is largely marine limestone, which accounts for the division of the Carboniferous into two periods in North American schemes. The Carboniferous coal beds provided much of the fuel for power generation during the Industrial Revolution and are still of great economic importance.

“The Los Angeles Zoo paid $4,500 to an expert in the ancient Chinese art of feng shui to ensure three endangered golden monkeys on loan from China can have a strong life force.”

STUFF THAT MADE ME LAUGH

I’m not where else she would have put them other than upfront.

I don’t know about you, but if Elton John reworks that song one more time, I’m going to kick his ass.

KCI, CI. What will be will be…..

Did it weigh 16 tons? What did you get?

Did you at least send a text message?

I heard that new evidence about the paternity issue has been announced apparently Anna Nicole was “so easy even a caveman could do her.”

Let’s ridicule her until she develops an acceptable body.

That was no Schnauzer; it was a hairless Chihuahua.

CONFESSIONS

McGyver is my bitch.

For a long time now I’ve felt that the animal kingdom isn’t treating me with the respect I deserve

I’m no Prince Charming.

I’m surprisingly light on my feet for such a big man.

I want to be gruntled as soon as I can figure out what that entails.

I suppose this is as good a time as any to tell everyone I have a fake ass.

I’d hate bugs in my lungs.

I’m having a hard time finding a good monkey census

I once accidentally touched the high-tension side of the coil on a 1947 BSA motorbike while revving it on the stand in the workshop. Before that, the ability to fly only happened to me in dreams.

That’s what I want for my motorcycle.  Something loud enough to make people lose control of bodily functions.

I used to cry because I had no director’s commentary, until I met a man who had no anamorphic 16:9 widescreen aspect ratio.

MOTTO’s

Basically, you get the same thing out of a Motel 6 as you do out of the Ritz. They’re both just places to crash.

Boy, you sure know how to kill a conversation.  What will we speculate wildly about now?

Never let facts get in the way of your position.

A poorly dressed man may try to steal the cash in your wallet.  The guys who wear expensive suits are after your bank account and the equity in your house.

I think the only conclusion that can be safely drawn from someone’s choice of clothing is that there is no accounting for taste.

I learn stuff here. Some of it more useful than others.

Really,  this probably isn’t anywhere near right. Forget you read it.

Well, you know how it is.  If you want economy, you gotta pay for it.

How I missed that when I checked it 3 times I’ll never know, especially since the result is completely unreasonable.

With all due apologies, the depth of your ignorance on this subject is so immense that I don’t know where to begin to correct you.

AFCAN ADVICE

I guess you need to spend more time looking at porn.

INNOCENT QUERIES

Would you settle for a T-shirt that says “I choked Linda Lovelace”?

where is this BJ store? And how much do they cost there?

How do I check for sores on my mouch?  Where the hell is my mouch!?

So how often do you go around with a bell and a cart and yell: “Bring out your dead!”

How do you fit the Canadians into the pie, Mr. Lechter?

Have you ever considered writing paranoid fiction professionally?

WTF? I thought you were from Michigan. Where’s the cherry?

aren’t you liable to be sued if someone drags their crotch across them and gets burned?

Okay, I have to ask…how can you spell irregardless and eschewed correctly…and make a typo on the word “up”?

Why does Phil Spector hate freedom?

SIMPLE TRUTHS

The words “Gone Wild” in a title always make the movie sound more exciting

You’d be surprised at how well embittered hooligans can rock a dinghy.

The Penguin giveth and The Penguin taketh away.

Our country does not give its citizens free DVDs.  And we have no shoes.

SIMPLE LAWS

1. Don’t trust anyone. (Also known as House’s Rule “Everybody lies”.)
2. Don’t trust anything. (Also known as House’s Rule “Sometimes the tests are wrong”.)
The corollary to #1 is, “Take care of number one, and the rest will take care of itself.”
The corollary to #2 is, “Never try to beat a cold deck.”

The three laws of Thermodynamics:
1. You can’t win.
2. You can’t break even.
3. You can’t get out of the game.

BAND NAMES

Low Slung Vaginas

hectoring the dog

shiny nipples

Squirrely Period

Snowbird homeless

Deep Shaft Stout

Lips of God

Fermi’s Crack

Peppercorns And Mortar

Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie

asshole infinity

Damn Repetitive

[Bonus!!!  Interview with Damn Repetitive:

Reporter: “Your recently released double album reportedly consists entirely of the E note over and over again.”
Band: “Well we are Damn Repetitive.”]

FORGOTTEN  VERSES

We have not any room for your dear granny
So we’d rather that you toasted her old fanny
We’re sorry but we’ve found
There’s no room in the ground
We’ve occupied near every nook and cranny

I see a Zoo with too much money on their hands,
Eager to host some simians on their lands
Keep them healthy, and let them play
With the ancient art of feng shui
Monkeys of LA

It seems a little odd, maybe a little funky,
But what’s good a human is good for monkey
I wish I didn’t smoke those cancer sticks,
But I needed my nicotine fix
Monkeys of LA

LES’S”BELIEVE IT OR DON’T!”

The French method for burial follows “French Planting” methods for agriculture. The method is described in several gardening web sites; just substitute the word “bodies” for “plants”:

“…. using the biodynamic/French Intensive method …. The method requires double-digging and adding compost or aged manure. Double-digging to two feet in depth [12 feet in the case of body burial] provides loose soil that roots easily penetrate. Plants are seeded or transplanted very close together and form a living mulch, shading roots, causing greater water retention, denying sunlight to weeds. Other aspects of the method are planting and transplanting by the phases of the moon and daily sprinkling rather than periodical flooding.”

HUEY’S PANTS GET IN A WAD

Now, I don’t mean to sound like I’m getting my panties all in a wad or anything, but Google suggests that we had this discussion last summer, and in January of 2004, and in February of 2002, and in December of 2001 (where you, Greg Goss, quoted Dana saying “Also, the diuretic effect of caffeine is insufficient to drive all the water consumed with it out of the body. You still get a net increase in hydration, even from caffeinated beverages.”) and in May of 2000, and May of 1999, and in January of 1999, and in May of 1998, and in September of 1996, and nobody told me that this whole “fighting ignorance” thing was going to be so damn repetitive. I mean, after you’ve fought the ignorance out of somebody, shouldn’t it stay out for some period of time longer than a year or two? Or can I just get a custom-made snowshovel with “WE TOLD YOU THIS ALREADY” carved into it, and thwack people upside the haid when they make the same wrong statements that were wrong last year, wrong three years ago, wrong five years ago, wrong three months before that, wrong seven years ago, wrong eight years ago, wrong five months before that, wrong nine years ago, and wrong ten and a half years ago? I guess the question I’m asking here is “How long are you prepared to be wrong?”

COMING SOON TO A CALENDAR NEAR YOU

National Crouch Behind Your Bed and Hope You Don’t Get Crushed By a Comet Day

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One Response to “I Learned it in AFCA 02/08/07 – 02/14/07”

  1. Randee said

    Keep up the good work, love the site — most especially your newspaper clippings comments.

    That said, shouldn’t it be “Mottos” or “Mottoes” not “Motto’s,” since the mottoes/mottos aren’t actually possessing anything?

    AFCA is a source of amazing things, though.

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