The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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I Learned it in AFCA 02/01/07 – 02/07/07

Posted by thedarwinexception on February 9, 2007

I am all caught up in AFCA now! Woo-hoo! Wasn’t easy – those people are *chatty*!

YOU WILL LEARN STUFF HERE

William Calhoun served as VP to the Tory John Q. Adams and the Democrat Andrew Jackson.  The only man to serve as VP for two different parties.

The Vice Presidency was vacant for more than three years when Arthur became  president after Garfield’s death. So the country got by without a VP for more than six years out of an eight-year stretch.

the same company that makes Trojan condoms also makes First Response pregnancy tests .

Most countries prohibit the use of hand-held phones while driving. Drivers in the Czech Republic, France, the Netherlands and the United Kingdom may use cell phones but can be fined if they are involved in crashes while using the phone. Drivers in the United Kingdom and Germany also can lose insurance coverage if they are involved in a crash while talking on the phone.

A study released in April 2006 found that almost 80 percent of crashes and 65 percent of near-crashes involved some form of driver inattention within three seconds of the event.

there’s no law in Texas against shoving things up your butt.

Gout is caused by an excess of uric acid in the body. Uric acid results from the breakdown of purines. Purines are part of all human tissue and found in many foods. The excess can be caused by either an over-production of uric acid by the body or the under-elimination of uric acid by the kidneys. Also, the ingestion of foods high in purines can raise uric acid levels in the blood and precipitate gout attacks in some people.

the unofficial strategic motto of the Democratic Pary is, “Hey, We Know How to Be Stupid Too!”

“Because it uses electricity and contains small pieces, Lite-Brite is not recommended for children under the age of six, or adults in Boston”.

Accused mailbox bomber Lucas Helder told authorities he was planting pipe bombs in a pattern to show a happy face during his five-state weekend spree.

Assemblyman Joe Coto has a provocative proposal to increase voter participation among young people: He wants to require high school students to register to vote before they can receive a diploma….”

“Ever canny at turning a shilling since her debt-ridden divorce, Sarah Ferguson is planning to launch a range of branded luxury goods. The 47-year-old Duchess of York is “going into the lifestyle area – linens, spoons”, she says in an interview in next month’s edition of Good Housekeeping. They will be launched in the US, joining her Moissante jewellery and Bath & Body Works scented candles.

“Any commissioned officer who uses contemptuous words against the President, the Vice President, Congress, the Secretary of Defense, the Secretary of a military department, the Secretary of Transportation, or the Governor or legislature of any State, Territory, Commonwealth, or possession in which he is on duty or present shall be punished as a court-martial may direct.”

With the 1950s came a rise in the legal prescription of methamphetamine to the American public. According to the 1951 edition of Pharmacology and Therapeutics (by Arthur Grollman), it was to be prescribed for “narcolepsy, post-encephalitic Parkinsonism, alcoholism, … in certain depressive states… and in the treatment of obesity.” The 1960s saw the start of the significant use of clandestine manufacture and people creating methamphetamine in their homes for personal use. The recreational use of methamphetamine sky-rocketed in the 1980s. The December 2, 1989 edition of The Economist described San Diego, California as the “methamphetamine capital of North America.”

A satellite survey shows that between 1992 and 2003, the East Antarctic ice sheet gained about 45 billion tonnes of ice – enough to reduce the oceans’ rise by 0.12 millimetres per year. The ice sheets that cover Antarctica’s bedrock are several kilometres thick in places, and contain about 90% of the world’s ice. But scientists fear that if they melt in substantial quantities, this will swell the oceans and cause devastation on islands and coastal lands.

Since its debut in 1967 as a lopsided novelty game between rival pro football leagues, the Super Bowl has become an unofficial American holiday with its own set of rituals and its own unique economy. In recent years, companies that advertise male and female “strippers” or “exotic dancers” for private parties have joined caterers, beer vendors and pizza-delivery shops on the list of businesses that have to prepare for an onslaught of sales on game day.

Five Deer Park teens have been arrested since October for “fence plowing,” the latest rage among certain Long Island youths, according to Suffolk County police. The concept is simple: Pick out a fence, run toward it at high speed, and launch yourself like a missile to plow through the wood.

No part of the flag should ever be used as a costume or athletic uniform. However, a flag patch may be affixed to the uniform of military personnel, firemen, policemen, and members of patriotic organizations.

Transgender generally refers either to people who do not desire surgical/medical intervention to change sex but who prefer to live as the gender not assigned to them by their chromosomes, or to those who do not identify fully or strictly with one gender, whether or not they undertake any interventions to express this. “Transexual” is usually used to refer to the subgroup of transgendered people who are actively taking surgical/medical steps to change from one gender to another due to a belief that they were born the wrong sex.  That is, transsexuals are transgendered, but not all transgendered are transsexuals.

Repeated use of products containing lavender oil or tea tree oil may spur breast growth in prepubertal boys, experts report in The New England Journal of Medicine.

There are four distinct words here. When “affect” is accented on the final syllable (a-FECT), it is a verb meaning “have an influence on”: “The million-dollar donation from the industrialist did not affect my vote against the Clean Air Act.” A much rarer meaning is indicated when the word is accented on the first syllable (AFF-ect), meaning “emotion.” In this case the word is used mostly by psychiatrists and social scientists- people who normally know how to spell it. The real problem arises when people confuse the first spelling with the second: “effect.” This too can be two different words. The more common one is a noun: “When I left the stove on, the effect was that the house filled with smoke.” When you affect a situation, you have an effect on it. The less common is a verb meaning “to create”: “I’m trying to effect a change in the way we purchase widgets.” No wonder people are confused. Note especially that the proper expression is not “take affect” but “take effect”-become effective. Hey, nobody ever said English was logical: just memorize it and get on with your life. The stuff in your purse? Your personal effects.

a man’s age in years divided by his height in feet equals the number of times he has to pee each day.

The amount of potency a drug retains depends on the drug and the storage conditions, especially humidity. The Medical Letter reports that many drugs stored under reasonable conditions retain 90% of their potency for at least five years after the expiration date found on the label. And some drugs have been found to retain potency for 25 or 30 years!

Water was the most effective at removing stomach bug viruses from the hands, Emory University researchers find. They planted stomach bug viruses on volunteers’ fingers and allowed them to dry. The results, presented this week at the American Society for Microbiology Meeting in Orlando, Fla., showed the percentage of the viruses removed by water, hand soap, and alcohol-based hand sanitizer. Water removed 96 percent of the virus; liquid antibacterial soap removed 88 percent; and the hand sanitizer removed only 46 percent.

The laws of cricket are a set of rules framed by the Marylebone Cricket Club which serve to standardise the format of cricket matches across the world to ensure uniformity and fairness. There are currently 42 laws, which outline all aspects of how the game is played from how a team wins a game, how a batsman is dismissed, through to specifications on how the pitch is to be prepared and maintained.

The famous Newton quote, “If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants,” appeared originally in a letter to Hooke, and this has been interpreted as a sarcastic remark directed against Hooke. This is somewhat speculative: Hooke and Newton had exchanged many letters in tones of mutual regard, and Hooke was not of particularly short stature, although he was of slight build and had been afflicted from his youth with a severe stoop.

On January 8, 1998, New Jersey Governor Christine Todd Whitman signed into law Assembly Bill 2654, repealing that state’s anti-Roma law adopted in 1917. Governor Whitman’s signature effectively repealed the last anti-Roma law on the books of any American (USA) state.

“Under Proposition 13, the real estate tax on a parcel of residential property is limited to 1% of its assessed value, until the property is resold. This “assessed value”, however, may only be increased by a maximum of 2% per year. If the property’s market value increases rapidly (values of many detached dwellings in California have appreciated at annual rates averaging more than 10% over the course of several years) or if inflation exceeds 2% (common), the differential between the owner’s taxes and the taxes a new owner would have to pay can become quite large. The property may be reassessed under certain conditions, when additions or new construction occur; the assessed value is also subject to reduction if the value of the house declines, say during a real estate slump.”

The word “fundamentalism” was coined by Curtis Lee Laws in 1920 as a designation for his anti-modernist party in the Northern Baptist Convention. The term was soon used to describe a broad coalition of evangelical Protestants who fought militantly against modernist liberal theology and the secularization of modern culture.

STUFF THAT MADE ME LAUGH

Your wife sounds really hot.

If anyone is taking orders, I’d like to be resurrected with Beyonce’s body, please.

“Look out!!! He’s got a Spirograph!!”

Mmmmm, diced miced pie!

I thought that the plan was to slowly pull the chain out just before eruption….

I think I saw a wardrobe malfunction during the kitty half-time show. There was a little too much kitty if you know what I mean.

Asking anyone currently in the service how the war is going would be like Scarlett O’Hara asking Prissy if a new dress makes her look fat–ask her again AFTER emancipation and see if you get the same answer.

The cows are now asking for 20%

Behold, the power of baby toes.

It’s more of an aubergine, I think.

He will probably stay home and play with his breasts all day.

I’m sure you’re right, Mr. Dahmer.

CONFESSIONS

I’d work for pie.

When I was an adolescent I squeezed quite a few penguins.

At one time I was Adonis, nowadays I’m more like Jabba the Hut.

I’ve made arrangements to have my head kept alive in a jar.

I find that coating my hands with semen every morning protects me from these hazards.

I just can’t see where someone who’d pound decorative studs into their forehead wouldn’t be considered well educated and intelligent.

I hate it when my dates have singed off half their facial hair.

MOTTO’s

I don’t even know if I’m right, I just know that you’re wrong.

“We began to realize, as we plowed on with the destruction of New Jersey, that the extent of our American lunatic fringe had been underestimated.

You know, if the first response to a question is facts, we’re not going to get much further.

Named meat is extra

Because it’s easier to stick the rubber stopper in and pump a few times.

Army service isn’t a really good way to cure depression.

AFCAN ADVICE

If someone cleaned up an underpass so it wasn’t covered with signs and light sticks and graffiti and didn’t smell like urine… *that* would be completely out of place and something to worry about.

There’s just no fucking justice in this fucking world.  Fuck it!

The email is easy to filter, the crazy stalker who shows up on the front porch, less so.

You could get off your ass and run around too!

I love hair pie, but it’s so variable. You really want to check out the container first.

Don’t take drugs illegally.  Unless you really, really want to

When the sheet brushes your toe and you scream, that’s gout.

If you ever want to pull that sequoia out of your ass and stop by for anything other than Shawn baiting, feel free.

NEVER TRUST THE END-USERS, AND NEVER TRUST THE DATA. They will FUCK YOU EVERY TIME

INNOCENT QUERIES

All right, we’ve got two volunteers to Blow the President, any more?

How about a Very Special episode of Mr. Ed?

Was WC Fields known for pulling his pork?

Are you sure it’s not your emasculating little bike shorts?

PROUD AFCAN’S

I still get a compliment on my hot dog from time to time

I smell fine.

SIMPLE TRUTHS

Real men don’t outgrow Batman.

People find the weirdest shit to get hung up on.

I don’t know about hammering, but being able to write worth a shit doesn’t seem to be a requirement for blogging.

Nobody wants to be ‘Nana’, at least not until they’re 80-something and no longer give a shit.

Inside every fat person, screaming to get out is an even fatter person.

there’s a BIG difference between JERK and STUPID.

That’s what you get for letting accountants have guns.

There’s nothing that expresses a deep love of one’s country like a star-spangled toothpick!

BAND NAMES

the garnishing turds

frugal busting working bulbs

little magic terrorist garden

Celebrity tits

Mandatory Gravy

The Dessert Experience

Strippers In The Huddle

Giant Cluestick of Justice

self-destructing poop

69 counts of sodomy

Devil’s Avocado

FORGOTTEN  VERSES

‘Cos I’ve got a brand-new combine harvester
And I’ll give you the key.
Come on, let’s get together now,
In perfect harmony.
I’ve got 20 acres and you’ve got 43.
Now, I’ve got a brand-new combine harvester
And I’ll give you the key.

Hickory dickery dock
The Czech chick had a cock
Or rather, it’s
A guy with tits
Hickory dickery dock

LES’S “BELIEVE IT OR DON’T!”

The marker test is being used less than in previous years because of the new ink formulations in the latest U.S. currency series.  These new inks are virtually impossible to duplicate because they contain a complex additive that produces the distinctive odor of U.S. currency. It’s interesting how the smell has been used to intercept bogus bills.
When a particular area of a city has a run of counterfeit currency it is usually first detected by the neighborhood banks who receive the bad bills as deposits from the local customers.  The banks notify the Treasury Department, and the feds send in teams of very specially trained people to temporarily work at the banks, and in extreme cases to work as sales people in the stores in the target area.  These “Specials” are selected for their ability to distinguish subtle differences in ink odors.  They undergo rigourous nasal sensitivity training, and they have no other government function except to sniff suspect money.  They will do this for a couple of weeks at their bank assignment, and when a bad bill is smelled it is confiscated.  Once it become known that “smellers” are around the neighborhood, the counterfeit passers usually leave the area.

Smellers are hard to spot in the bank.  They usually circulate behind the line of tellers.  They look like bank officers but if you stay long enough you notice that they don’t have a desk.  You may catch one of them bringing the money up to his nose very quickly and sniffing for a fraction of a second (that’s how sensitive their noses are).  In the rare instances when they are assigned to work in a store, the smeller is usually the sales clerk standing near the register, and who looks like you bothered him/her by asking a question about an item. They say they will check the stock room for the item, and they never return.

DARKON CHANNELS JESUS

Whew.  I’m glad that’s over.  It’s nice and quiet here in the tomb. Dunno if I want to go back out there.  Those people are fucking crazy!  I thought it was bad when they all showed up to hear me talk and not a single one of those idiots had the sense to bring
their own lunch.  The beasts of the field have their grass, the birds have worms, but Jesus has to miracle up fish and bread for a bunch of fucktards.  Spend three years telling people, “Hey, how about we forget about all these silly rules about how many tassles we can wear and try being nice to each other for a while” and what do they do?  They fucking nail you to a couple of pieces of wood and hang you up to die!  Fuck ’em.  Fuck each and every one of them.  May their children wander the earth.  I’ll pop out of here tomorrow and go scare the shit out of a few of them, and then I’m fucking off back to Heaven and propositioning the first angel I see.  At least angels bathe more than once a year.

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3 Responses to “I Learned it in AFCA 02/01/07 – 02/07/07”

  1. groo said

    You’re caught up?! How the hell did you do that? I can’t keep caught up, and I wasn’t out of touch for 9 days.

  2. It’s easy! Skip all the political shit. And keep Shawn killfiled.

    Kim

  3. whalley said

    whalley

    Nearly my favorite blig post of the year, I said nearly, but its close.

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