The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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General Stupidity at Home & In the News

Posted by thedarwinexception on February 7, 2007

OK – more general stupidity in the news today – and it was really, really hard for me to pick a favorite this time, because so many of them made me laugh hysterically. But, that could be just because I am *SO* tired. It’s all the woodstoves fault, too. Well, and Paul’s. And the plumbing’s.

I’m generally a night owl. I never go to bed before midnight, and we all know that Paul has to be in bed by 7:00 – because he “gets up all night” with the woodstove. Which isn’t true in the least, because once I go to bed at midnight or later – I haven’t seen his hairy ass get out of bed once. But, that’s his excuse and he’s sticking to it.

Well, the night before last, I went to bed at about 3 in the morning. Finally. I couldn’t sleep for some reason, so I stayed up all night watching all the shit I have Tivo’d but never got around to watching. Then yesterday morning, Paul starts making all this noise – stomping around, running up and down the stairs with his boots on – which is Paul’s way of saying “I want you to be awake, but I don’t necessarily want to like, actually, wake you up, because it’s only 5:00 in the morning”. So finally I get out of bed and go downstairs and ask Paul “What do you want?” He says “The pipes are frozen.”

OK – now, I don’t know what the hell he wants *me* to do about that – and why it merited waking me up when I had only gotten 2 hours sleep. I mean, if I was like some kind of fucking plumber – we’d have a kitchen sink. So I say to him “And you what, want me to call someone?” He says “No – I’ll fix it.” Ummmmm……OK. And what? He needs someone to hold his fucking hand?

And now comes the *other* problem I have – once I am awake, I can’t go back to sleep. I can’t “nap”, I can’t “lay down during the day”. Once I am up – I’m up.

So, Paul stays home from work to “unfreeze the pipes.” He never does. He did take a few naps, though. And I, of course, didn’t even try napping.  Even though I’m exhausted. That night I make it through Heroes – barely (and HA! I called the identity of Claire’s father a week ago!) and I fall asleep. Then, for some unknown reason, I wake up an hour later. Paul, of course, is already in bed. And now I can’t get back to sleep again. So, I fuck with the woodstove and stay up (again), until 3 in the morning.

This morning, I am in a dead sleep and I hear the dogs barking their fool asses off. Then I hear someone knocking at the door. Odd, since it’s barely after 6:00 am. So I go downstairs, and it’s Paul. Apparently, he went to work and was telling them about the frozen pipes. Someone told him “Oh, you better get that fixed – your water heater will explode!” (Which, BTW, I think is bullshit), So Paul came right back home to unfreeze the pipes. (Which he accomplished in less than an hour – apparently the threat of explosion makes him like actually fix shit). And, of course, he doesn’t have a key for the front door – necessitating waking me up to let him in.

He was very apologetic and very sorry, and told me a million times “I’ll stay up tonight so you can go to bed early.” I wasn’t as interested in that as finding out who told him the water heater would blow up if he didn’t fix it. I wonder how much money it would take to have him tell Paul that the house will explode if there’s no kitchen sink.

Anyway, in honor of exploding water heaters, here is some other general stupidity. And like I said, any of them could be my favorite today- I’m overtired and I laugh at everything when I’m overtired.

 

You know, they really didn’t have to include his picture – how will he ever face
the *other* search and rescue dogs at the meetings?

 

I’m using this name now on all my mail order stuff.

 

I don’t know which is worse, that they have to engage in cannibalism at the
morgue, or that someone thought a great outing for seniors would be the morgue
in the first place.

 

Yeah, I agree, he looks fucking ecstatic.

 

Awwww…what a heartwarming story! Hey! Wait a minute……..

 

You know, I haven’t had kids in quite a while, but is it possible to give birth
to 40 year old men now?

 

I know exactly what that kid is thinking.. .”Man, I hope this roller coaster has
some hills like that!”

 

What’s a “Christian Swinger”, anyway? Does he fuck you and then go to church?

 

Milo has a cross that says “Mother” on his ankle.

 

Because, really, who has a more romantic voice than Donald Duck?

 

This article has to be from Malone.

.

Well, if there were any in Wyoming, they had the good sense to keep it quiet.

 

June is my new BFF

 

It’s not kicking because of the NOISE, lady, it’s because he’s fucking CHOKING
TO DEATH.

 

Hey! Maybe this is that  woman up above who hadn’t seen her 6 year old kid
in 8 years!

 

OK – so if I have to pick a favorite, it will be this one. Not only because of
the animal stupidity that makes me laugh, but because the woman is described as
his “live in ex-wife.”

 

 

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9 Responses to “General Stupidity at Home & In the News”

  1. Oh, boy, do I ever know what you’re talking about with sleep. I don’t like to go to bed early, but I have to get up early to go to work, so I generally tend to be tired.

    Then when I finally get the opportunity to take a nap, it has to be dead quiet, or I wake back up and I’m done for. I rarely bother. Especially since we have a 4-year-old.

    However, nobody in my house goes to bed at 7pm.

  2. Back when all our friends were having babies, one of the bits of received wisdom was that it was a bad idea to keep the house really quiet while baby was napping, as this would make baby unable to sleep through even the slightest noise. I suspect that this was like a lot of other child-rearing advice, in that it ignored the differences between babies, but maybe there was some grain of truth in it.

    I’m a pretty good sleeper, but I can’t fall asleep without some sort of cover, even just a sheet. I’ve always assumed this is because my mother always covered me when I was a child. At least, that’s what my mother said, having compared notes with other mothers.

    I spent 3.5 decades getting up at 0545 every work day and even now, after three years of retirement I can’t break that habit. It’s not that I haven’t tried, but the best I can do is go back to sleep after waking up then. Of course, having an alarm collie with his furry little wrist watch set for 0530 hasn’t helped. It’s just taught me to go back to sleep after getting up and letting the dog out briefly.

  3. Greg Goss said

    Didn’t you already do the “dress up for WalMart one”? I’m sure I’ve seen it recently, and can’t visualize where ELSE I might have seen it.

  4. Charlie Pearce said

    This is *really* bugging me now – I could have sworn you’ve posted the dressing-up-for-Wal-Mart and smoking pregnant lady clips before, but I’ve just been through the entire archives and I’m mistaken.

    Have we been looking at the same websites?

  5. No – you and Greg aren’t crazy – someone posted a link in AFCA to some “hick” website that had those on there.

    If you Google the group and search on “hicK” – you might find it that way.

    Kim

  6. Charlie Pearce said

    Ah, thanks, that explains it. I’ll be able to sleep at night now. Oops, sore point…

  7. Bob Ward said

    About the romantic Donald Duck voice – I only have this to add – http://frogstar.soylentgeek.com/wav/duckjob.wav
    The only way I could get it to play was to rightclick and Save As, but you’ll want it on your drive in any case.

  8. paulydak said

    Here’s the directory page where you’ll find the above images and oh so much more! A veritable cornicopia of redneckishness. If ya drill up there’s more I haven’t explored. Good times. Sorta.

    http://www.tcnj.edu/~hofmann/humor/Misc/Redneck/

  9. Que Barbara said

    I haven’t seen people around here feel the need to dress up for Walmart; i.e. the lady I saw the other day wearing curlers and huge house slippers. Or, if that was her idea of dressing up, I hate to think what she wore to the dollar store.

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