UPDATE! Gary and the Thief Sighting!!
Posted by thedarwinexception on January 12, 2007
Oh Lord, where to begin? It’s been a busy 24 hours, let me tell you.
So, let’s begin where we left off…the landlord had imparted the information that the Police had warrants for Gary and the Thief, and Paul had a theory, which he couldn’t share because he was “busy”. Well, he finally came home and told me *his* theory, which was based on a conversation he had with Gary one day while they were riding out to the Mohawk reservation to get cheap cigarettes. And it’s a typical “Gary story”, full of implausibility’s, outlandish and bizarre circumstances, and leaves you scratching your head wondering where the fuck he comes up with this shit.
But the thing about “Gary stories” is that there’s always a kernel of truth in them somewhere, if you dig deep enough. They start out being true, it’s just that Gary adds so many layers of *untruth* onto them, it’s sometimes really hard to discern where the truth ends and the embellishments begin. And this story is no different.
So, it seems that “some time ago” [Paul wasn’t sure if Gary ever said when this happened], the new improved thief was talking online with “some guy”. “Some guy” happened to work for “a Government agency” [Paul said it also could have been an insurance agency – he doesn’t remember which – but it was some place that would routinely write out checks], and “some guy” told the thief that part of his job was to “write out checks” – and asked her if she would like one. So, of course, the thief (you know, being a thief and all), said “Sure! I’d like a check!” So, a few days later, they went to their mailbox, and Lo and Behold, there was a check from “some guy” – the check was for $5,000.
So, recognizing this miraculous windfall that had come upon them, they immediately went and cashed the check and went on a shopping spree – buying all sorts of stupid shit. [This is where Gary listed a bunch of shit that they bought – including a TV, clothes, stuff for the kids, etc. etc. etc.] They ended up spending about $2,000. And they had $3,000 left in the bank.
Now, this is where I, personally, can tell that the story is bullshit, because no way in fucking hell do the phrases “Gary the drug addict” and “has $3,000 in the bank” belong anywhere together in any rational person’s mind. Those two phrases being together is enough to set off my bullshit detector. Since Gary has been an addict I’ve never known him to have more than $3.00 let alone $3,000. And if he has $20.00 in his pocket it’s only because he hasn’t made it to the drug dealer’s house yet – but he’s on his way.
But, *anyway*, the way Gary tells the story is that they had $3,000 in the bank – and then the FBI came to the house. The FBI agent assured Gary and the twit that they weren’t “interested” in them – they wanted the guy who sent them the check because, apparently, he’s done this before. So they took Gary’s computer, took the $3,000 and left. I don’t know if *this* computer is the one the FBI took, and they got it back, or if this is some new computer. Of course, not that I believe the fucking story to begin with.
I asked Paul if he got the name or the email address of “some guy” because, you know, I wouldn’t mind a $5,000 check. And I’d spend the whole fucking thing before the FBI showed up, but Paul didn’t get the guy’s name.
But, Paul thought *that’s* why the police were snooping around. Of course, there’s a million fucking reasons why that *wouldn’t* be why they were snooping around, starting with, oh, I don’t know – because THE STORY IS FUCKING BULLSHIT??? I mean, really, every single one of you reading this is at least internet savvy enough to find Usenet or an obscure fucking blog out of Malone, New York. How many of you have had ANYONE offer to send you a $5,000 check for no apparent fucking reason – and then gotten an actual fucking check that cleared the fucking bank? Does this EVER fucking happen? I mean, I get Nigerian spam letters almost every fucking day – none of them came with a fucking check in the mail.
But – what the fuck ever.
So, after I busted a gut laughing over THAT story – I called my brother Randy to have him call the Jail and see if Gary was a guest there. He wasn’t. Now, this was quite disappointing, for many reasons. Not the least of which was I thought, “well, at least if he’s in jail, he’s not using – and he’s not dead.” But, no such luck. He’s not in jail. So, I figured we were back to square one, with no idea where to look or where he could be staying.
But then my sister called.
Now, my sister NEVER calls me. She gave up a long time ago, once she realized that every time she did call me, she ended up crying because I ended up yelling at her. She’s another one with “issues” – no, she doesn’t have “issues” she has a whole fucking subscription. So when I saw her mother in law’s name and number on my caller ID, I knew it had to be her, and it had to be about Gary. There would be no other reason for her to call me.
Sure as shit, the first thing she said when I picked up was “Kim, has Gary made it over there yet?”
“Ummmmm……what? When? What do you mean has he made it over here?”
She says “Well, he’s been here for over a week and he owes me $300, and he left here this morning to go over there and get her checks and he was supposed to be right back and I haven’t seen him.”
OK – now, where do I start with this statement – where the fuck do I even start?
So, I cut to the chase. There was just TOO much I could go off on, and I didn’t even have the fucking energy, so I told her “Look, you’re fucked if you gave him money. He isn’t coming back to your house. I doubt you’ll ever see his ass again. He owes ME money, which is the only reason he went to your house to begin with, and he better not fucking come here because he’s homeless the minute he does. And yeah, she has two checks here – but since he owes ME money, and I got his checks, his computer, his clothes and all the rest of his fucking shit, guess who’s getting paid first?”
So then she told me the saga of what they’ve been doing for the past week, and it’s pretty much a sad tale of drugs, her loaning him money for more drugs, him promising her that he “had it covered – there are checks sitting right at Kim’s house waiting on me”, the New Improved Thief eating her out of house and home (I didn’t ask if she had Pop Tarts), Oh – and the funny little tale of him leaving their “car title” as collateral (told you Gary understands collateral), you know, just to show “good faith” that they WERE coming back with the money they owed her. The only problem with that was, as I pointed out to my sister, they don’t HAVE a title to that car. When she protested and said “Yes they DO, I have it right HERE“, I said “Whatever, but I’m telling you, that’s not the title to their car.” She pulled it out of the envelope, and sure as shit, it was the title to the old van they left somewhere along the side of the road when it broke down back in October. So much for “good faith”.
I think that’s when she finally started believing me that she was basically fucked. At least I think that’s why she started telling me some of the OTHER shit that’s been going on at her house the past week.
Like the little incident with her daughter, my baby niece, who I NAMED, by the way, and although I don’t like babies, and I’d never actually like take her for the weekend or anything, until she gets about 2 more years under her belt, I still feel kind of protective about, only because, like I said, her mother has “issues”. Well, apparently the fucking twit bitch New Improved Thief and my asshole brother decided to take the baby to Wal-Mart. And, don’t get ahead of me here, because I know you already know how THIS is going to turn out. Why do you think they took a 1 year old kid to fucking Wal-Mart with them? Huh? To buy her something cute? Oh, no, that was for “sympathy” in case they got caught fucking thieving. And they did. Yup. They did. WITH MY BABY NIECE with them. Oh hell no. Now, you know when that thieving fucking bitch comes up onto my fucking porch she’s getting fucking punched right in the fucking mouth for this, right? You KNOW this is going to happen. I’m telling you all that right now. Oh, and my sister, too. She’s getting punched in the mouth just for letting that bitch take the kid in the first fucking place. And I told her that, so she’s expecting it.
So, I’m irate about that whole situation. Can you tell? Am I using the word “fucking” a lot? Because I do that when I’m pissed off. Well, OK, I do it a lot when I’m not pissed off, too, but I do it more when I’m pissed.
And there’s more.
So, my sister wakes up this morning, finds Gary and the twit gone, and figures “OK, they went to get my money – woohoo!” So, she goes in to clean up their room – they had been staying in the baby’s room – and as we know from the limited time they stayed with me – cleaning is not part of their routine. So, my sister starts to make the bed – and what does she find?? NEEDLES! and a TOURNIQUET!! In the baby’s room!! So, I’m thinking – well, there’s another punch in the fucking mouth – this time I’m getting Paul to punch Gary in the mouth. Because I think that’s worth it, the dumb fucking retarded motherfucker. I am so over him and his bullshit.
So, anyway, my sister was under the impression that they were on their way here way back this morning. But I haven’t seen them. But they DO know that their checks are here. And they WERE on their way to get them. And they ARE out of money – and I hope they don’t expect me to just smile and hand their shit to them. Because I am *WAY* past that. At this point if they get away from here without me knocking the both of them out and calling the cops to come get their thieving drugging asses, they’ll be lucky.
Tomorrow should be quite interesting.
Anyone want to update their guesses as to when they will be here?