The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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UPDATE! Gary and the Thief Sighting!!

Posted by thedarwinexception on January 12, 2007

Oh Lord, where to begin? It’s been a busy 24 hours, let me tell you.

So, let’s begin where we left off…the landlord had imparted the information that the Police had warrants for Gary and the Thief, and Paul had a theory, which he couldn’t share because he was “busy”. Well, he finally came home and told me *his* theory, which was based on a conversation he had with Gary one day while they were riding out to the Mohawk reservation to get cheap cigarettes. And it’s a typical “Gary story”, full of implausibility’s, outlandish and bizarre circumstances, and leaves you scratching your head wondering where the fuck he comes up with this shit.

But the thing about “Gary stories” is that there’s always a kernel of truth in them somewhere, if you dig deep enough. They start out being true, it’s just that Gary adds so many layers of *untruth* onto them, it’s sometimes really hard to discern where the truth ends and the embellishments begin. And this story is no different.

So, it seems that “some time ago” [Paul wasn’t sure if Gary ever said when this happened], the new improved thief was talking online with “some guy”. “Some guy” happened to work for “a Government agency” [Paul said it also could have been an insurance agency – he doesn’t remember which – but it was some place that would routinely write out checks], and “some guy” told the thief that part of his job was to “write out checks” – and asked her if she would like one. So, of course, the thief (you know, being a thief and all), said “Sure! I’d like a check!” So, a few days later, they went to their mailbox, and Lo and Behold, there was a check from “some guy” – the check was for $5,000.

So, recognizing this miraculous windfall that had come upon them, they immediately went and cashed the check and went on a shopping spree – buying all sorts of stupid shit. [This is where Gary listed a bunch of shit that they bought – including a TV, clothes, stuff for the kids, etc. etc. etc.] They ended up spending about $2,000. And they had $3,000 left in the bank.

Now, this is where I, personally, can tell that the story is bullshit, because no way in fucking hell do the phrases “Gary the drug addict” and “has $3,000 in the bank” belong anywhere together in any rational person’s mind. Those two phrases being together is enough to set off my bullshit detector. Since Gary has been an addict I’ve never known him to have more than $3.00 let alone $3,000. And if he has $20.00 in his pocket it’s only because he hasn’t made it to the drug dealer’s house yet – but he’s on his way.

But, *anyway*, the way Gary tells the story is that they had $3,000 in the bank – and then the FBI came to the house. The FBI agent assured Gary and the twit that they weren’t “interested” in them – they wanted the guy who sent them the check because, apparently, he’s done this before. So they took Gary’s computer, took the $3,000 and left. I don’t know if *this* computer is the one the FBI took, and they got it back, or if this is some new computer. Of course, not that I believe the fucking story to begin with.

I asked Paul if he got the name or the email address of “some guy” because, you know, I wouldn’t mind a $5,000 check. And I’d spend the whole fucking thing before the FBI showed up, but Paul didn’t get the guy’s name.

But, Paul thought *that’s* why the police were snooping around. Of course, there’s a million fucking reasons why that *wouldn’t* be why they were snooping around, starting with, oh, I don’t know – because THE STORY IS FUCKING BULLSHIT??? I mean, really, every single one of you reading this is at least internet savvy enough to find Usenet or an obscure fucking blog out of Malone, New York. How many of you have had ANYONE offer to send you a $5,000 check for no apparent fucking reason – and then gotten an actual fucking check that cleared the fucking bank? Does this EVER fucking happen? I mean, I get Nigerian spam letters almost every fucking day – none of them came with a fucking check in the mail.

But – what the fuck ever.

So, after I busted a gut laughing over THAT story – I called my brother Randy to have him call the Jail and see if Gary was a guest there. He wasn’t. Now, this was quite disappointing, for many reasons. Not the least of which was I thought, “well, at least if he’s in jail, he’s not using – and he’s not dead.” But, no such luck. He’s not in jail. So, I figured we were back to square one, with no idea where to look or where he could be staying.

But then my sister called.

Now, my sister NEVER calls me. She gave up a long time ago, once she realized that every time she did call me, she ended up crying because I ended up yelling at her. She’s another one with “issues” – no, she doesn’t have “issues” she has a whole fucking subscription. So when I saw her mother in law’s name and number on my caller ID, I knew it had to be her, and it had to be about Gary. There would be no other reason for her to call me.

Sure as shit, the first thing she said when I picked up was “Kim, has Gary made it over there yet?”

“Ummmmm……what? When? What do you mean has he made it over here?”

She says “Well, he’s been here for over a week and he owes me $300, and he left here this morning to go over there and get her checks and he was supposed to be right back and I haven’t seen him.”

OK – now, where do I start with this statement – where the fuck do I even start?

So, I cut to the chase. There was just TOO much I could go off on, and I didn’t even have the fucking energy, so I told her “Look, you’re fucked if you gave him money. He isn’t coming back to your house. I doubt you’ll ever see his ass again. He owes ME money, which is the only reason he went to your house to begin with, and he better not fucking come here because he’s homeless the minute he does. And yeah, she has two checks here – but since he owes ME money, and I got his checks, his computer, his clothes and all the rest of his fucking shit, guess who’s getting paid first?”

So then she told me the saga of what they’ve been doing for the past week, and it’s pretty much a sad tale of drugs, her loaning him money for more drugs, him promising her that he “had it covered – there are checks sitting right at Kim’s house waiting on me”, the New Improved Thief eating her out of house and home (I didn’t ask if she had Pop Tarts), Oh – and the funny little tale of him leaving their “car title” as collateral (told you Gary understands collateral), you know, just to show “good faith” that they WERE coming back with the money they owed her. The only problem with that was, as I pointed out to my sister, they don’t HAVE a title to that car. When she protested and said “Yes they DO, I have it right HERE“, I said “Whatever, but I’m telling you, that’s not the title to their car.” She pulled it out of the envelope, and sure as shit, it was the title to the old van they left somewhere along the side of the road when it broke down back in October. So much for “good faith”.

I think that’s when she finally started believing me that she was basically fucked. At least I think that’s why she started telling me some of the OTHER shit that’s been going on at her house the past week.

Like the little incident with her daughter, my baby niece, who I NAMED, by the way, and although I don’t like babies, and I’d never actually like take her for the weekend or anything, until she gets about 2 more years under her belt,  I still feel kind of protective about, only because, like I said, her mother has “issues”. Well, apparently the fucking twit bitch New Improved Thief and my asshole brother decided to take the baby to Wal-Mart. And, don’t get ahead of me here, because I know you already know how THIS is going to turn out. Why do you think they took a 1 year old kid to fucking Wal-Mart with them? Huh? To buy her something cute? Oh, no, that was for “sympathy” in case they got caught fucking thieving. And they did. Yup. They did. WITH MY BABY NIECE with them. Oh hell no. Now, you know when that thieving fucking bitch comes up onto my fucking porch she’s getting fucking punched right in the fucking mouth for this, right? You KNOW this is going to happen. I’m telling you all that right now. Oh, and my sister, too. She’s getting punched in the mouth just for letting that bitch take the kid in the first fucking place. And I told her that, so she’s expecting it.

So, I’m irate about that whole situation. Can you tell? Am I using the word “fucking” a lot? Because I do that when I’m pissed off. Well, OK, I do it a lot when I’m not pissed off, too, but I do it more when I’m pissed.

And there’s more.

So, my sister wakes up this morning, finds Gary and the twit gone, and figures “OK, they went to get my money – woohoo!” So, she goes in to clean up their room – they had been staying in the baby’s room – and as we know from the limited time they stayed with me – cleaning is not part of their routine. So, my sister starts to make the bed – and what does she find?? NEEDLES! and a TOURNIQUET!! In the baby’s room!! So, I’m thinking – well, there’s another punch in the fucking mouth – this time I’m getting Paul to punch Gary in the mouth. Because I think that’s worth it, the dumb fucking retarded motherfucker. I am so over him and his bullshit.

So, anyway, my sister was under the impression that they were on their way here way back this morning. But I haven’t seen them. But they DO know that their checks are here. And they WERE on their way to get them. And they ARE out of money – and I hope they don’t expect me to just smile and hand their shit to them. Because I am *WAY* past that. At this point if they get away from here without me knocking the both of them out and calling the cops to come get their thieving drugging asses, they’ll be lucky.

Tomorrow should be quite interesting.

Anyone want to update their guesses as to when they will be here?


18 Responses to “UPDATE! Gary and the Thief Sighting!!”

  1. Gary Day said

    Holy crap Kim, that is to quote SLJ “some fucked up repugnant shit”..

    What you should do is lie in wait upstairs, when they knock at the door call the Police and tell them you have fugitives in your house and they should come immediately, then go downstairs let them in and make a nice cup of tea (yeah i’m british) and let them both know how fucked up and useless they are etc etc..

    Then let the police come and arrest them and then it’s their fucking problem, oh yeah report the twit to
    the state so she never gets cheques and check your caller id, find out where it was she called her kids around xmas and call her hubby then give him all the ammunition to make sure she *NEVER* sees her kids again, we can only hope that he’s not as fucked up as her – seeings as he’s no longer with her then you have to assume he is at least one grade further up the ladder! 🙂

    Honestly, I’d live to see a video blog of you punching the dumb bitch in the mouth, however i just fear that
    for some fucked up reason you’d end up in trouble, so it’d probably be not worth it..

    As for dealing with their belongings, you should say you had to have the room fumigated and the clothes burnt cos they were carrying the fucking plague or something and that you sold the PC to buy pop tarts and sugar!

    I just hope you didn’t give the fuckers a key, if you did get paul to change the locks!

  2. Amy said

    I agree 100% with what Gary said above. When they show up, call the police. I know Gary’s family, but you’re not dealing with Gary, you’re dealing with the heroin addiction, and it (and therefore he) could be dangerous. (I sound like Dr. Fucking Phil).

    Especially if he shows up while Paul’s at work, Kim. Please, please call the cops. Don’t try to deal with this by yourself. I don’t want to have to call the SWAT team again.

  3. groo said


    You said they got caught stealing at Wal*Mart. What happened? Did they call the police? One would think that these two might have an outstanding warrant or two, and that the police might notice such things.

  4. Well, according to my sister Erica, Gary got a “citation” – the New Improved Thief didn’t “because she was already in the car with the baby”. And Erica added “Thank God!” Which is when I told her *she* was getting punched in the mouth, too.

    I don’t know how Gary got away with just a ‘citation”, I’m not even sure the actual police were called – it may have been just a store security cop that gave him the “citation”, because Erica said “The citation said that he was banned from the store” – and I can’t see the regular old police just saying “OK – don’t go to Wal Mart anymore – run along now”.

    But I’m sure that was the purpose of the baby in the first place – so Gary could tell one of his tales and look sympathetic doing it. Gary is nothing if not slick.

    But that’s the only way I can reconcile them getting caught and not having a wants and warrant check – if they were only stopped by store security outside the store or something.

    But it still requires she be punched in the mouth – that’s my baby fucking niece, for Christ’s sake. What the fuck is wrong with people?


  5. Boron Elgar said

    Darlin, I am so very sorry we all encouraged you to get rid of the drug paraphernalia, becuase were it still there, I’d say you should call the cops now, BEFORE they show up. YOu have evidence, you have cause to fear, and you have reason to be upset that they are using your address what what is likely illegal activity…need I go on?

    Junkies do not care who they cheat and lie to…spouses, kids, other family, friends, causual acquaintances, Wal-Mart…(we are currently dealing with this in a very minor way with an ex-neighbor’s son)… the goal is get the money and get high.

    Right now you have the possessions and the checks and are standing between them and their high. You do not want to be there, unless Paul is beside you with the plasma cutter all warmed up and ready to go.

    Please be careful.


  6. Kim, I was talking with my sister-in-law, who recently retired as the chief dispatcher for a county in Iowa, and she offered a couple of suggestions. Naturally, her suggestions involve law enforcement officers.

    The first was that you have a chat with your county (Franklin) sheriff’s office (FCSO), preferably in person. The sheriffs have a communication network and they can find out if Gary or the twit is in custody anywhere in the state. Be sure to tell them about the police and warrants, too. It may be that the FCSO will start looking for them once you bring them to the FCSO’s attention, but it won’t be because you asked them to.

    The second was that you talk to the police or sheriff where they were living before. That may not accomplish much but you might get more information. You can also tell them who you talked with at the FCSO.

    And the third was to keep in touch with the FCSO to see if there’s any news. Since you’re Gary’s sister, they’ll tell you more than they’d tell just anyone, but don’t be surprised if they don’t tell you everything.

    Now, my S-I-L warns that she has no idea if any of this will do any good at all, but she thinks it won’t do any harm and it’ll help you knowing that you have someone else working on the problem.

    It occurs to me that you may meet a kindred spirit at the sheriff’s office, someone who holds the majority of the Malone population in the same high regard you do. Just keep in mind that these aren’t the guys who surrounded your house and held Paul at gunpoint and they don’t know about all your AFCA buddies. You may want to warn them.

    Have you considered getting a set of brass knuckles for all this mouth punching? They’ll keep you from bruising your hand. They’ll also put a little power behind the punch. Let’s face it, being slugged by an eight-seven pound woman isn’t likely to lay anyone out on the ground. I don’t know where you’d get them, though. Paul’s too law-abiding to have them, but maybe he knows someone….


  7. Mike said

    Kim, rather than typing “New Improved Thief” and “Twit” so often, I suggest shortening her title to NIT-twit. The caps aren’t even necessary: nit-twit will do nicely. This has the added advantage that it can also be double-hyphenated, as in nit-fucking-twit.

    Okay, more seriously, has Gary ever been violent before? What about the nit-twit? They both deserve a punch in the mouth, and then they deserve to get a swift kick in the ass as they get in the car to leave town. But… if either of them are the type to come back with a bat some time later and try to exact revenge, it’s probably better to just put them in a car and give them the nit-twit’s checks just before they drive away.

  8. Pattymac said

    I think you’ve been playing with us. You’re really a scriptwriter and this is gonna be one of those episodic tv shows like 24. Has it been cast yet? I can see Britney Spears as the pregnant thief. And how about Christian Slater as your brother? Just don’t let it be one of those that gets canceled before all the episodes are run.

  9. Dana said

    Kim, add me to the list of people who are scared for you. I think you should call the cops *now*, before Gary and the NIT-fucking-twit show up. As has been mentioned, you have her checks and their stuff, and he’s a goddamned junkie looking for a fix. That’s a very, very volatile situation. Call the cops, tell them the whole sad story – better yet, just give them your URL and let them read the whole story. Then tell them you’re afraid that the junkie may be headed your way, looking for money for a fix. Let them take it from there.

    And if you tell me you can’t turn him in because he’s your brother, I’m going to laugh at you every time you claim to be a bitch for the rest of your freaking life.

    C’mon, Kim, call the cops. Don’t make me do it for you. You *know* I will; I’ve done it before.

  10. If they come anywhere near my house when Paul isn’t here – I will call the cops before I even answer the door. But Paul was home today – and he’s home all weekend, so I’m not scared in the least. I did speak to one officer already – the one that I know and have dealt with before, so he is “aware” of the situation. I only did that because if Paul ends up kicking somebody’s ass I don’t want to have to backtrack and say “well, this is why the guy’s ass got kicked”, I’d rather that they know there was potential trouble brewing.

    But basically, the officer told me “well, if he shows up – call us!” Oh – butn they do have a description of the illegal car with the illegal plates, expired inspection sticker, no insurance and unlicensed drivers. So, if the cops happen to see the car, Gary and the NIT twit have a distinct possibility of being pulled over before they ever get to my house.


  11. Lisa said

    I found this website while looking for “bute” whatever that is only knowing it is connected to methadone somehow for a dear friend who’s daughter…and her husband Gary relocated to NY on Dec 2nd and deserted her 3 children. The amazing check that appeared and other things on your site are really close to home for what is going on with my friend but I can not seem to find your beginning to figure out if this is the same person. I am only getting a very small blury print and am trying very hard to read it maybe it is my computer. You have my email, they may or not be the same people but if they are maybe we can help each other. If not, bless you all!

  12. Just a quick follow-up to agree with everyone about not handling this alone.

    I also needed to correct my website address, which lost the “com” on my previous comment.


  13. Rick B. said

    Kim, are you sure you weren’t adopted, or bought from the gypsies, or something?

  14. Lisa –

    You say “I found this website while looking for “bute” for a dear friend who’s daughter…” What does that mean? Is the twit’s mother a junkie, too? Why was she looking for bute?

    You also mention: “who’s daughter…and her husband Gary…” Ummm…no, no a thousand times NO – they are NOT married. She is not related to me in any fucking way. You know how I know they aren’t married? Because while she was here she STOLE a pattern for a wedding dress. And how fucked up is that?? Do you know how you can tell you can’t afford to get married? When you have to steal a pattern for your fucking wedding dress. I mean, they cost all of what – a buck at Wal Mart?

    And you know, if I stole a fucking pattern to make my wedding dress, I sure as hell wouldn’t get married in a church. I’d be afraid I’d walk down the aisle and my shit would like burst into fucking flames or something.

    That is one pathetic fucking bitch. And she is *NOT* married to my brother.

    But, see, people? This proves if I’m lying, I’m dying. A third party verifying that what I’m saying is so. Not a script, not an episodic TV show, the God’s honest fucking truth. Really – could I *MAKE* this shit up?

    And look, You have to know now that what I said about Gary and the way he can charm people is true – he even has this chick believing that check story.

    Raise your hand if you believe the FBI came to their house and said “Oh – you spent half the money – OK no biggie.” Anyone? Anyone? Bueller??

    Oh, BTW Lisa, when you do see my brother and the NIT Twit again, remember to punch her in the mouth for me for taking my baby niece on one of her shoplifting sprees. She may find that a cute mother/daughter outing with her own kids, but I don’t appreciate it.


  15. Lisa said

    Last I knew about 2 months ago they were suposed to get married a week or 2 b4 they disappeared. So wonderful they didn’t actually do it.

    No her mother is most definately not an addict, she had me looking after finding things in the twits trailor that she didn’t understand.

    I will not see them, I haven’t seen her in years she doesn’t like me and vice versa everytime she reappears in her mothers life again I am happy for her because she is so excited but know it is only a matter of time before she’s gone again. I try to pick up the peices when she is gone. Her Mom loves me therefore the twit hates me.

    No you are most definately not lying about this, if you only knew the rest your head would spin!

  16. rather not said

    The Twit is a cousin of mine and im truely sorry you had to deal with that bullshit.She will never change and will always be a taker and a thief and a junkie and a tramp and etc….. Your best bet is to kick the fuckin losers to the curb where the garbage goes.She cares for NO ONE ( not even her own kids that she dumped and left behind) but herself. If she got cought for stealin makeup, she should of USED IT. YUCKERS Anyways i hope you take this advice seriously because shes a user now and always

  17. Contact me via email if u want more info said

    They are at her mothers and it’s not pretty. Mom took her purse and won’t give her the car keys. Cops have been called but no warrants out for them so they can’t do anything.

  18. Gary Day said

    Please .. We want more info!

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