The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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God Talks To Pat Robertson – and AFCA

Posted by thedarwinexception on January 3, 2007

Well, Pat Robertson is at it again. He is talking to God. And I don’t understand why he gets to talk to God. I mean, God doesn’t talk to just “anyone”. Face it, God didn’t even appear to Mary to let her in on the little joyous news that he had impregnated her with his holy sperm – he sent an angel to do that. But when he wants to destroy the world, well, he goes straight to Pat Robertson to let him know.

We are going to experience a nuclear attack in 2007, according to God and Pat Robertson. Well, let me clarify that, as Robertson did, he said “God didn’t say ‘nuclear’.” But, you know, that could be because God pronounces it funny, like George Bush, and he didn’t want to look uneducated in front of Pat Robertson, of all people. So, God didn’t actually *say* nuclear, he just said “mass killings in major US cities”, Which Robertson interpreted as “nuclear”. And you know, Thank God we have Pat Robertson to interpret the word of God for us. But, Robertson has been interpreting God’s word for years, so he has lots of practice.

So, most likely this latest warning will come with appeals from Robertson for “mass prayers”, like he did to single handedly reverse the course of those hurricanes- although I don’t know who he wants us to pray to. Robertson believes that we have all turned away from God, what with our wanton homosexuality, and feminism, and liberalism. As he told the people of Pennsylvania “Don’t go crying to God when you all get some disaster – you’re all freaks and God hates you”. 

I just don’t know why God doesn’t tell this guy “Look, Pat, you’re a fucking lunatic”. Oh but then again, probably God doesn’t swear. And he probably still talks like he did in the Bible, so God would say “Look-eth, Pat, you are not-eth to interpret-eth my words anymore-eth. Stop telling the Episcopalians that they harbor the spirit of the Anti Christ – what the hell did the Episcopalians ever do to anybody? And don’t tell people that “you” steered the course of Hurricane Gloria, I don’t like it when people take credit for my work – and that was all ME, bud. And gays and lesbians had NOTHING to do with the attacks of September 11th – and tell your President it wasn’t Iraq or Saddam Hussein, either – don’t you people read USA Today?” But, then again, maybe God is just letting the guy spout his inane bullshit so that God can smote him – right on the airwaves. Wouldn’t *that* be cool? Because that’s what I would do if I was God – I’d smote him live on the 700 Club. Although God would probably have to smote him twice, since Pat Robertson drinks that super-duper energy shake and can leg press 2,000 pounds. Maybe that’s why God hasn’t smoted him yet – he has to work up to it.

But, Pat Robertson isn’t the only one God appears to – he appears to AFCA members, as well. So there, Pat Robertson. And here is what God has told AFCAN’s is going to happen in 2007: And I will update this list as more AFCAn’s weigh in – God can’t appear to everyone in one night – he’s not Santa Claus or anything.

The Cubs will not suck as badly as they did last year.–arty

Judy Dench will win an Oscar (I haven’t seen either of those movies).—arty

Mel Gibson will announce that his next film will be an uplifting tale for the whole family about the siege of Leningrad.–Dave T

Saints will win the superbowl.–Dilbert Firestorm

There will be a rise in right-wing terrorism a la Eric Rudolph, Tim McVeigh as the would be-theocrats see their chance slipping down the rat-hole of Bush’s Iraq war.–Lars

I won’t get laid.— Bill

There will be bad music on the charts.— Nostradamus
(no, not that one, the AFCA one)

Bush will tell lies. — Nostradamus

People will wonder why the Democrats haven’t been more successful.— Nostradamus

The stock market will go down.— Nostradamus

There will be a scandal in Washington.— Nostradamus

There will be an amazing medical breaktrhrough.— Nostradamus

A lot of people will die in Iraq.— Nostradamus

Things will get worse in Somalia.— Nostradamus

A celebrity will exhibit shockingly bad taste in public.— Nostradamus

Donald Trump will act like an a$$hole.— Nostradamus

Rose O’Donnell will leave The View.— Nostradamus

There will be a great victory in November.— Nostradamus

Security flaws will be found in Microsoft products –Cindbear

Dubya will make a gaffe on camera–Cindbear

A new study will show that a common food causes cancer–Cindbear

A new study will show that a common food prevents cancer–Cindbear

The RIAA will sue someone–Cindbear

A new fashion style will come from the streets–Cindbear

A film with little artisitic merit will win an Oscar–Cindbear

Sales of foreign cars increase–Cindbear

A large company will post misleading financial reports–Cindbear


People will be ripped off on Ebay–Cindbear




Terrorist attack in the US. –raven


People will bitch and moan about Windows Vista and then use it anyway. –darkon

Bill will not get laid, but he will get screwed –Neal

I predict that by the end of 2007, Kim will have a working kitchen sink, or that Paul will have died due to a suspicious cheeseburger accident. –groo

Cindbear and Nostradamus will go into the predicting business together.–Charlie

Someone from AFCA will tell us all to FOAD, leave in a huff, and return a short time later.–Que Barbara



7 Responses to “God Talks To Pat Robertson – and AFCA”

  1. Pat Robertson makes me laugh just thinking about him. Do you have any links to his track record as a prophet? Has anything he predicted in the past come true? I wonder what his prophet “batting average” is.

    Also, the predictions you compiled for the New Year are hilarious (though I think Helen Mirren will beat out Judi Dench for the Oscar)!

  2. So glad to see you caught this, too. I jumped all over it when I saw it on CNN. I knew it had to be my post for the day.

  3. hey–great post and awesome blog! I stumbled across it via my wordpress acct. actually posted something today, too, about Pat’s moment of divine revelation! here’s a link to it:

  4. Cagrubber said

    Pat is one gene above a monkey.

  5. Your comment is offensive to monkeys.


  6. “hoo hoo ha ha” (offended monkey)


    (Pat Robertson, looking at hand, missing prehensile thumb)

  7. The Rebel said

    EMP (Even More Predictions!) by Pat Robertson (#001 in a continuing series. Clip-and-Save!!):

    “I guarantee you, by the end of 1982 there is going to be a judgment on the world.” –Pat Robertson, May, 1980

    “…Russia will invade Israel…[this will eventually cause]…Nuclear Armageddon!!” –Pat Robertson, May, 1980

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