The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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The Characters of Malone: The Party Goer’s

Posted by thedarwinexception on January 1, 2007

So, believe it or not, Paul talked me into going to a party last night. He bribed me. He bribed me with rum and eggnog. He said “I would like to stop by this guys house – he’s having a party. I really want you to come. If you *do* come, I will buy you rum and eggnog to bring over.” Now, I don’t drink. I never drink. But during the holiday season, I love rum and eggnog. I guess that makes me a seasonal drunk. But, the bribe worked. I went to the stupid fucking New Year’s party with Paul. Mostly because it would provide more fodder for you all. It seemed like a good way to get some pictures of some more of Malone’s finest characters.

So that’s what I did – went to the party, drank my rum and eggnog and took some pictures.

First off, we have Paul and the hosts of the little shindig, Ray and Lynn. Ray and Lynn are married, and Lynn has like 4 kids. Now, remember how we were talking in another post about how everyone is related to everyone else *somehow*? Well, get out your white boards and pens and try to follow along, because all of this gets a little complicated. Lynn is the grandmother of the pregnant thief’s older child. Not the cabbage kid – her other one. The pregnant thief used to be with one of Lynn’s sons, and she had his kid. Of course, the pregnant thief is no longer with him, he’s with someone else, and *that* girl is pregnant. Lynn is also the ex sister in law of the useless twins. Kenny, the first useless twin, was living with Ray and Lynn before he moved in with us. I still think Kenny had a little crush going on Lynn, but she’s a lot better off with Ray, that’s for sure.

Ray is a golfer. He likes to golf, which I think is funny because I hate golf.  One of Lynn’s daughters still lives at home with them. She’s like 14. And Danny, one of their sons lives with them, too, with his girlfriend. Lynn is a saint to put up with all of the people who move in and out of her house. But she’s one of those people who would never turn anyone away.

This is Lynn’s other daughter, Katie. She just moved out of Ray and Lynn’s and now lives in Plattsburgh with the guy in the picture, her boyfriend. She’s 16. Surprisingly she has no kids. Last year, before she was with this guy in the picture, she was with another kid named John. John and Katie lived together in Ray and Lynn’s house – for the better part of a year.  I liked Katie – she was one of the girls I was trying to counsel and explain “alternatives” to. You know, that the be all and end all isn’t finding a guy right quick to have kids with and then maximize your government benefits – that there were things like colleges and opportunities and careers
and a whole world full of exciting and amazing people. Katie’s smart but she doesn’t have a lot of ambition.

This is Lynn’s other son, Danny. He just moved back in with Lynn and Ray with his girlfriend. I like Danny. He works, he’s trying to save money to buy a house, and his girlfriend is kind of nice. At least she’s smart and funny and she has a job at the hospital as a physical therapist. That’s just not typical in Malone. It’s no wonder they are thinking of moving to North Carolina.

This is Dennis, with Paul. Dennis is one of Malone’s finest, finest characters. He is a deerjacker. That’s what he “does”. He jacks deer. All the time.
He doesn’t work, as far as I know, and he drinks a lot. A real lot. I’ve never seen Dennis when he wasn’t drunk and I’ve seen him quite a bit. Dennis has 6 kids with three different women. I’m quite sure he supports none of them. Although he did buy his youngest daughter a really cute little ring for
Christmas. He showed it to us last night, and he was quite proud of it.

Dennis and Ray are best friends. Apparently they have been for years. Shortly after midnight last night, Dennis was on his cell phone trying to call one of his “baby mama’s” to get her to come over to Lynn and Ray’s. That was amusing, as Dennis wasn’t really coherent or intelligible by that point. Dennis also has a brother that used to be a policeman. The brother was suspended from his duties as an officer for having a torrid love affair with an underage girl.

Oh, and this is Danny’s girlfriend, the one I like. She decided that the party at Lynn and Ray’s was a little tame for her tastes last night and she and Danny
went to a downtown bar for a while. This picture was taken when she came back. Danny was upset with her because she wanted to walk home, and it was freezing rain. But they walked home.

Tomorrow we will meet some of the other guests at the party. The ones I hadn’t known or met before we went to Lynn and Ray’s last night.

And I didn’t get drunk on the rum and eggnog, although I did finish the whole pint of rum and the quart of eggnog.


6 Responses to “The Characters of Malone: The Party Goer’s”

  1. ¡Que Barbara! said

    Paul looks like he’s lost a lot of weight.

  2. He has – he’s very proud of it.


  3. ¡Que Barbara! said

    Oh, good for him! I know so many people right now that have lost weight through illnesses that I was a little worried.

  4. No – he says that his problem is that now he has to share half his food with Milo. There is no eating around here without giving some to him. This has resulted in Paul having half the food intake he used to have, thus the weight loss.

    Oh, and then there’s the small matter of what I spend on food. Paul never really asked or noticed what the grocery bill was each week. Until one week he gave me cash instead of the debit card to buy groceries, since he hadn’t been to the bank to deposit his check and he didn’t want to carry around a lot of cash. He handed me $20 and I said “Ummm….what the fuck do you want me to do with *that*?” And he said “Buy groceries!” I laughed hysterically and said “PAUL! I spend like $60 a week on groceries!” And he looked absolutely STUNNED and said “SIXTY DOLLARS!?? What the hell are you buying???” I told him “Well fuck – all that fucking filet mignon you eat three times a day! What the hell do you think I’m buying? Gatorade, soda, dog food, hamburger, milk, bread, you know – the shit that’s in the cupboards!”

    He was shocked and horrified that I spend $60 a week on groceries, and he stuttered and mumbled and finally spewed out “Well, that shit’s going to stop!” I couldn’t explain to him that $60 a week for two people is *not* a lot of money – I think he still believes I’m hoarding half of it away in some “I’m running off for good” fund. But he’s much more aware now about standing in front of the cupboards eating boxes of Little Debbie snack cakes, and now when I ask him “is there anything special you want at the store – he’ll always make sure anything he adds to the list has the disclaimer “If it’s on sale…”

    Which is why supporting two MORE people really has him pissed – he was already thinking that $60 a week was too much money – feeding two more people has him over the edge.


  5. Charlie Pearce said

    ¡Que Barbara! Says:
    January 2nd, 2007 at 12:23 pm
    “Paul looks like he’s lost a lot of weight.”

    Oops. I was about to post asking whether the photos in your blog are in the correct aspect ratio…

  6. […] home, uploading some videos to the blog (suggestions of videos you want to see welcome), and the Annual New Year’s Eve party at Ray and Lynn’s. Last year I took pictures. This year I shall tape *and* take pictures. Should be good for a […]

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