The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Even More Stupid Criminals in the News

Posted by thedarwinexception on December 30, 2006

I’m working on my New Year’s resolutions. I have a bunch of things I need to improve in 2007. I need to start getting nastier with people, believe it or not. I know I’m anti-social, and I’m definitely not “friendly”, I hate “friendly” people. You know, the ones who make chit chat and smile too big and tell you “Have a Nice Day!” I hate those people.

But I need to get even tougher with my nastiness. I’m thinking I need to find a door that comes equipped with a sensor able to shoot anyone who knocks on it. That will cut down on my problems right there. And maybe after the door shoots you it can say something like “Have a Nice Day!”

The next thing I need to do is take up yoga or something. Isn’t it yoga that teaches you to “breathe through the stress?” Because that’s what I need to learn how to do. Then, every time I get all stressed out over people and their fucking stupidness, I can “breathe through the stress”. Are there health risks associated with an elevated breathing rate? Because I think I might be “breathing through the stress” an awful lot.

Which brings us to the shining examples of ignorance we have today. See, if I knew yoga, I could “breathe through the stress”…..

Now see, we can all breathe a sigh of relief that we aren’t police officers. Can
you imagine going to this woman’s house – with a gun? And *not* shooting her in
the fucking head?

 

This is how you know people watch too much TV – when they start including
product placements in their police reports.

 

You know, I’m just hoping that’s not that fence we paid like $50 million dollars
for. Because I’m thinking I could jump that fucker. I mean, check that fence
out! I wouldn’t think that’s an “obstacle” – that’s like a fucking minor
annoyance.

 

The funny part of this is, they needed a “blue light special”. And they got one.

 

I’m thinking “no”.

 

We just coddle kids too much. And you know, I’m betting these kids were thinking
“Gee, maybe if we shoot Dad, too, we could get extra credit!”

 

 

Yes, there are people this fucking dumb.

 

they could tell they were relaxed, they were all chilling, smokin a doob….

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

 

Because here in Northern New York, we don’t like our impartial juries.

You know, some people just shouldn’t be criminals. They just don’t have the
common sense for it.

This is why I hate CSI and all those shows – it makes people think that they
have these otherworldly detection and forensic abilities. “What do you think,
Joe? Look like pork chop marks?” “Ayup”.

Them there are some wimpy police.

 

 

Well, you knew it had to happen sooner or later.

I am *so* using this the next time I evade the police. “I thought you were
giving me an escort home!”

Because, again, people are just that dumb.

There’s a family you want to stay clear of on New Year’s Eve.

And my favorite. This makes me laugh, I don’t know why. Probably because I keep
wondering if their dog’s name is “Fire!”

 

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3 Responses to “Even More Stupid Criminals in the News”

  1. Jerry Randal Bauer said

    Kim, if you do manage to learn to “breathe through your stress”, your blog would suffer for it. Were you unstressed, your readers would be distressed.

    Even so, I wish for you a happy and less-stressed 2007, with fewer reasons to need to be nastier.

  2. You’re probably right. If I had the one superpower that I *really* want – the “ability to overlook ignorance”, my blood pressure would go down, but my sense of humor would be all fucked up. I don’t know if that would be all good.

    And a wonderful New Year to you, as well.

    Kim

  3. Estron said

    I’m sitting here on New Year’s Day, trying really hard not to laugh out loud, because my non-pregnant, non-thieving, gainfully-employed-for-longer-than-me girlfriend is still sleeping in the next room. The items are funny on their own and your comments make them hilarious.

    Thanks for everything, Kim, and Happy New Year.

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