The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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I Learned it in AFCA 12/21/06 – 12/27/06

Posted by thedarwinexception on December 28, 2006

YOU WILL LEARN STUFF HERE

To carry any concealed fixed blade knife with a blade over two inches in length is a felony in California.  A short steak knife in a pocket or in a brown paper bag or lunch box would suffice for a felony conviction; whether you’ll be lead to prison as the consequences under these circumstances is to the discretion of the District Attorney, etc.

There were once dozens of lazarettos (in the quarantine stations sense) up and down the Atlantic coast of the US. The only one that still survives is on the Delaware River, just downstream from Philadelphia International Airport. Shortly after it opened in 1800, it played host to 134 Africans who had been aboard two slave ships that the U.S. Navy captured off Cuba. After spending time in quarantine, the Africans became indentured servants in Pennsylvania and were given the surname Ganges, after the USS Ganges, the ship that escorted them to North America. Descendants of the original Gangesii live in various parts of the US today.

Having low levels of alcohol in the blood may protect the brain from the effects of a head injury, a study says.

Because the earth’s orbit is elliptical, the length of each day is not exactly 24 hours.    At this time of year, the day is about 24h and 30 seconds.  Local apparent noon (when the sun is due south) varies as much as 15 minutes over the course of a year.

Cooked potatoes make the best candidates for freezing. Raw potatoes can be frozen with mixed results, but may develop a watery or grainy texture during freezing. If freezing casseroles or dishes containing unbaked potatoes, it’s best to omit them during freezing and add them in fresh later. Cooked potatoes are excellent candidates for freezing and reheating.

All edible NaCl  salts are the result of sea water evaporation, whether it is done now or done millions of years ago and now mined as a mineral. Once it is obtained, there are differences in the trace minerals that it contains, how they are removed or if they are left in, what other additives are combined with it and what size it is offered up in that winds up putting it into categories, many of them arbitrary and few, if any, officially regulated in any way by legal definition.

“Campaigning in Texas where he needed to win the Mexican-American vote, Ford was presented with a traditional Mexican dish known as a tamale, which is served wrapped in an inedible corn husk. Clearly never having  sighted the dish before, Ford “proceeded with gusto to bite into the tamale,  corn husk and all”, Popkin writes. “Videotapes and still photos of this gastronomic gaffe were used throughout the country and on network news broadcasts.” When Ford was asked after he lost the election to Jimmy Carter to name the most important lesson from his campaign, he said: “Always shuck your tamales.”

STUFF THAT MADE ME LAUGH

They throw you out of the Safeway for that kind of stuff.

I wish the wall to be enlightened, too.

Don’t incorrige him

All I know about his bowel movements is that coal is somehow involved.

Take the pants off first.

Well, it’s Christmas.

The sequel is “Pop On Hop”.  It’s about drugs.

George is like Shawn Lite – he’s right so seldom that he has to announce how
many points he’s awarded himself.

They can have my bullet when they pry it from my cold, dead forehead.

James Brown actually died about six times Monday.  Two angels were leading
him into the light, but he kept breaking away and coming back.

However, all we’re getting is a horse’s ass.

If he hadn’t really wanted it, he wouldn’t have been dressed so
provocatively, walking through the parking lot at that hour of the night.

Those would be the bipolar bears.

CONFESSIONS

“If Bing Crosby were alive today I’d slap that bitch in the face”.

I wore a dalmatic last night.

It’s a beautiful day, and I think I’ll go find something else to fail at

In my house we’ve replaced that with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Spinal Cord.

My church had a serious fire, but it was a hundred and sixty-six years ago, and so far as I know “Silent Night” was not implicated.

So now I have to go bite all the heads off the animals, and have my annual headless-animal circus

In my church, we run with scissors.

I gave my girlfriend roses for her birthday, and then we had sex.

The only gay Gene I have is my uncle Eugene who lives with Uncle Manny in New Jersey.

You underestimate my ignorance

Even if I could, I don’t think I’d want to be able to get worked up about salt

MOTTO’s

Thank you all for making me feel even more inadequate.

Yes, we’re mad.  But it’s fun

Lulu’s perverse menagerie had started yodeling

Aunt Boo often has these hallucinations, honey, and we just ignore them.

People are way too scared of responsible oil use these days.

You are wrong to equate lack of knowledge with idiocy.

It’s not even Fuck-You February yet.

INNOCENT QUERIES

How did they measure the “genuine spiritual experience”?

Hokay, this is, what, four threads devoted to this?

Whaddaya, some kind of wacky Brit wannabe?

But do you stop when they mount you?

And what does it mean to be ritually clean in respect to your genitals?

Did your parents meet again?

COMPLIMENTS

Too bad you made yourself look foolish instead of making your point.

Yes, yes, you’re very smart.

Let’s see how well you can tell shit from Shinola.

What I can see is that you are becoming more incoherent as time passes.

SIMPLE TRUTHS

I know what it means when they get all vague like that. HE’S EATING THE MUSHROOMS!

There’s nothing like that excruciating little pause when you’ve hit a wrong note and you have to wait to hear it.

That’s a pretty sound sleep when you don’t hear a kid screaming as her toes are being bitten off.

Well, if you saw it on TV or on the Internet, it must be true.

People from other cultures are such morons.

But you have to know that any statement that begins “none of us are disputing Shawn’s claim…” can never be right.

There is no point in killfiling anyone who isn’t a regular.

Many clothing repairs can be made with a stapler

“Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana”.

The nice thing about a pink himalayan salt candleholder is you can lick it for fun

I have never seen a fat alcoholic.

Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while.

Sewing’s not easy for the thimble minded.

BAND NAMES

soupcon of slush

Bacteroidetes and the Firmicutes

FORGOTTEN  VERSES

And an angel came unto them, and said “Behold! I bring you tidings of great joy! …and an ENORMOUS FUCKING CAT…”

On the fifth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Five kangaroos,
Four koalas cuddling,
Three kookaburras laughing,
Two pink galahs,
And an emu up a gum tree.

O shibboleth, O shibboleth
Thy branches do ensnare us
O shibboleth, O shibboleth
Thy branches do ensnare us
Fom Austria to Canada
From Yorkshire to America
O shibboleth, O shibboleth
Thy branches do ensnare us

What a kick, what a dick
What an annoying little prick!
What a tosser full of nothing
But a stomachful of ick!
What a dope, what a goad
What a righteous little toad
Who thinks it’s writing English
But it’s in a different code!
What a joke falling flat
We should give it such a smack
But it’s smacked itself already
With a whack whack whack!
What a wanker what a wonker
Send it back to alt.flonker
Salt it liberally with toxins from the sea!
And keep the thing away from you and me!

FAVORITE GIFTS

anti-shawn directional radar

a Pomeranian chasing a tossed grenade

Spankmonkopaedia: the totally free encylcopaedia composed entirely of USENET
articles written by jerkoffs

the canine version of spotted dick…

a pot of pâté de fauxgroo

NEW OLYMPIC SPORTS

hand-made fleece throw

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8 Responses to “I Learned it in AFCA 12/21/06 – 12/27/06”

  1. darkon said

    Ooh, the Kimsum! Nice job.

  2. Lisa Ann said

    I’m so excited! I made it *twice*!

    I can once again look forward to weekends…

  3. Boron said

    Oh, this is just yummy. Thanks so much.

  4. darkon said

    Kim-kimmary, kim-kimmary, kim kim karoo!

  5. Que Barbara said

    darkon Says:
    December 28th, 2006 at 10:38 pm
    Kim-kimmary, kim-kimmary, kim kim karoo!

    Okay, dammit, that was really funny.

  6. Franz K. Afca said

    What is this “AFCA” of whom you speak. It sounds like a group, what used to be called a “BBS”. Where can I find it? Do I want to?

  7. Franz asked: “What is this “AFCA” of whom you speak. It sounds like a group, what used to be called a “BBS”. Where can I find it? Do I want to?”

    AFCA is a Usenet group called alt.fan.cecil-adams – you can access it in your regular newsreader or via Google Groups here:
    http://groups.google.com/group/alt.fan.cecil-adams?hl=en

    And yes, you *want* to find it. Within it’s confines you will find the smartest, funniest, cleverest group of people you could imagine, all there to carry on the tradition of Cecil Adams and his newspaper column, “The Straight Dope”, the purpose of which was to “stamp out ignorance”.

    Of course, that’s not all they do. They also engage in pun cascades, laugh at the word “taco”, debate whether or not glass flows, point out the murderers of unborn potential future Canadian babies, exchange Pink Himalayan Sea Salt, suggest what home appliances you should have, and whether or not you should have a washing machine in the kitchen, post pictures of cats, share random snippets of their lives and do each other’s children’s homework.

    Nothing is off topic (as you can probably tell from the summaries), and the group welcomes new members – especially those who have a “Cower Mortals!” subject – something you know all about and can be the local expert on. Of course, this can be anything from “I know all about Superman comic books” to “I used to be a aeronautics engineer”.

    Stop by, look around, introduce yourself, and jump in. But warning – it’s addictive and you’ll look up from reading realizing you just wasted 4 hours in AFCA.

    Kim

  8. Charlie Pearce said

    “And yes, you *want* to find it. Within it’s confines you will find the smartest, funniest, cleverest group of people you could imagine, all there to carry on the tradition of Cecil Adams and his newspaper column, “The Straight Dope”, the purpose of which was to “stamp out ignorance”.”

    Plus some guy named Ed.

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