The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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More Stupid Christmas Stuff in the News

Posted by thedarwinexception on December 22, 2006

I hate when, as is the case this year, Christmas is on a weekday. I think that like Thanksgiving, which is always on a Thursday, Christmas should always be on a Sunday. I know that Christmas is supposed to be Baby Jesus’ birthday and all that, and birthdays aren’t supposed to change from year to year, but since we now kind of know that Jesus wasn’t born in December, anyway, and that Christmas was only set at that time of year to coincide with the pagan Winter Festivals, well, does it really matter if it’s December 25th? Can’t it just be “the Third Sunday in December?” And, judging by the ads we can find in the newspaper, Christmas isn’t really about Jesus’ birthday, anyway, is it?

I just think it’s kind of silly when Christmas falls on a weekday and the programming on TV includes all the regular “Days of Our Lives” and “Young and the Restless”  installments, and another marathon of Law & Order. On Christmas day A&E is airing a “Crossing Jordan” marathon – that’s festive! At least E! is thinking of the children – they are running installments of their “E! True Hollywood Stories” – all dedicated to former child stars. Good old TBS is running their “24 Hours of A Christmas Story”, so I applaud them for not giving in to some “Spend Christmas Day with Walker, Texas Ranger” bullshit. Hopefully I can watch it at least once, although TLC is running an “American
Chopper” marathon, and I won’t get to if Paul gets the remote at any point on Monday and finds this out.

Oh well. I can always just pore over newspapers looking for more stupid Christmas shit. And I can go through my email looking at all the stupid examples you guys have been sending me! You guys are great!

That’s how you know you’re getting old-  when your New Year’s Eve countdown
is at noon instead of midnight. Since Paul likes to fall asleep on the couch
about 8 o’clock at night, I think we’ll do the noon thing this year, too.

I guess that’s for when you’ve been REALLY Naughty.

The reason for the season? I didn’t get that version of the whole Christmas
story in my Bible – the one where Santa came from the North to kneel at baby
Jesus’ cradle. But you know, I’m thinking he could have picked up those three
other guys on the way in his sleigh – didn’t they have to walk? Maybe camels and
reindeers don’t “get along”.

 

Now see, I’d SO go to this. And I would demand to sit at Satan’s table, too.

Because *this* is what you want to wear when you go to Granny’s house Christmas
morning.

I hate the new Christmas carols

What the hell is Santa telling these kids that you have to be over 18 to call
him?

OK, there’s nothing Wrong with this product, it’s probably a fine, fine thing. I
just think that it’s a tad distasteful. Really, do you really want Santa’s face
as your toilet seat cover? I just think it’s dumb.

Don’t they say that more suicides happen at this time of the year than any
other? Well, here’s a reminder, get your headstone early, and beat the holiday
rush.

Everyone should blow their own balls during the holidays.

I guess the Mormon’s weren’t available, and this was the next best thing. I
wonder if you could take this show in right after your breakfast with Satan.

Looks like Santa is getting serious about this “naughty or nice” shit.

 

What the hell kind of bills is *she* getting?

What the hell is Mary doing with baby Jesus? This is why parenting classes
should be taught in High School.

And what says “Christmas fun” more than a box of suppositories?

 

What a lovely holiday table that will make.

 

And what a steal – 100 bucks? Well, you can’t go wrong.

 

I swear, if you put this on your Christmas tree, I will personally go to your
house and beat you senseless. Not that you had any sense to begin with if you
bought this.

 

You know, we never hear a lot of Jesus’ brother Jesse. And how would you like to
grow up always hearing “why can’t you be more like your brother Jesus? He always
makes more fish and bread when it runs out.” I feel for Jesse. I’m glad he got a
school named after him. You go, Jesse.

 

Well, that’s just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

and finally, my favorite. I just love this one so much, I’ve read it 100 times,
and I still fucking laugh my ass off every time. If anybody knows what card this
is, send it to me – I want to send one to the pregnant thief.

 

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4 Responses to “More Stupid Christmas Stuff in the News”

  1. OK – I added this lot to the site, too. http://extrapolater.com

    Thanks to you and your readers – these kill me every time!

  2. abcdefghijkmnopqrstuvwxyz said

    “Nowell” is an anglicization of the French “Noël”. It has been used in the English lyrics of that carol for a long, long time, since before John Freiler was not aborted.

  3. Greg Goss said

    – One of the bus routes in Vancouver goes to “Ladner Loop”. For the last half of December every year, the bus destination signs read “ADNER LOOP”. “no L”. Get it?

    – My mother had one of those Santa face toilet seat covers. When you lifted the seat, the other side has Santa with mitts covering his eyes. It was humour.

    – There’s a Canadian band that had a minor hit with “Jesus’ brother Bob”. James, one of Jesus’s younger brothers, was one of the disciples. Dunno who was older, Jesse or Bob. (Jesus is a Latin version of the name. Jesse is probably closer to the guy’s real name (Joshua) than Jesus is.)

  4. Hank said

    Some Hallmark shops can make personalized cards, so you could make a “keep your legs closed” one for the pregnant thief.

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