The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Not Your Mother’s Christmas Tree

Posted by thedarwinexception on December 11, 2006

Like I said, I don’t “do” Christmas anymore. I used to “do” Christmas, in fact, I used to *OVER* do Christmas. It wasn’t unheard of for me to spend $4,000 on presents for my kids. But, you  know, it wasn’t like we couldn’t afford it, I wasn’t charging a bunch of money on credit cards that I struggled to pay all year, my kids really didn’t get lots of “stuff” at other times during the year, and well, I *liked* Christmas. It was fun, and I enjoyed the shopping, the wrapping, the excitement, the cooking, the ornaments and decorations, and the trees. I really liked the trees.

When we lived in Vermont, we used to take the kids out every year on a big toboggan and cut down our own tree. We would wander around the tree farms, searching for the tree that was the perfect height, the perfect fullness, the perfect itchiness in the needles. We would cut it down, throw it on the toboggan and throw the kids on top of the tree and make our way out of the woods. Doesn’t that make for a lovely memory?

When we lived in Florida, well, it wasn’t so easy. If you went and cut your own tree, it was likely to be a slash pine. Not so good for a Christmas tree. They were rubbery and willowy and bendy. You couldn’t put ornaments on it. So we had to buy one. And when they are transporting Christmas trees from Vermont to
Florida, the prices go way up. Some years our tree would cost upwards of $100.

And now, well, now I have a fake one. In fact, I think we have two or three fake ones. They were my Aunt’s. I haven’t put a tree up in so long that I don’t even know if all the parts and pieces are there, and I’m not even sure I could figure out how to assemble it. And I have a bunch of those big Rubbermaid 50 gallon tubs full of decorations and ornaments. I just can’t be bothered to drag all that shit out, arrange it, put it all together, deal with the clutter and then take it all down and box it away again in a month. Too much trouble.

Besides, my fake 6 or 7 foot Christmas tree just isn’t “trendy” anymore. I’ve been seeing all these ads and sites advertising the new styles in Christmas trees. Have you seen some of these things? These aren’t you mother’s Christmas trees. Not even when she lost her mind in the 60’s and bought one of those silver trees with the color wheel. Which is probably so far out it’s back in again.

But I was surprised to see what people are doing with Christmas trees nowadays. Some of them are just —- well, bizarre! And these things aren’t cheap, either.

I guess one of the biggest trendy trees these days is the “upside down” tree. These are meant to be hung upside down from the ceiling – to save space.
I’m thinking who has a place so small that hanging a fucking tree from the ceiling is a reasonable alternative. Whatever happened to those little table top trees? Wouldn’t that be better than a 7 foot tree hanging off your ceiling.

And how the hell do you put ornaments on the tree? Do they just hang off the tree all pointing towards the floor? That’s nuts. If you have one of these trees with ornaments on it – send me a picture. I can’t find a picture of one with actual ornaments on it – only lights. Maybe you can’t put ornaments on it – it looks too stupid. Like a tree hanging from the ceiling doesn’t look stupid enough.

Oh – and if an upside down tree isn’t dumb and tacky enough looking for you – you can get an upside down tree in silver.

The next great “space saving” tree is the “half tree”. Do you have the perfect corner for a tree, but the tree is just too “full” to put it there? Cut the
fucker in half! No back on the tree means it fits just perfectly against the wall or in a corner. They also have these you can hang on the wall. So it’s a “wall half tree”. I guess if you only have 1/2 enough ornaments for a whole tree, this one would work for that, too.

Personally, I’d buy one of these trees and tell the kids “We’re cutting back this year – we’re only getting a half a tree and you are only getting half as many presents.” Then I’d buy the kids half a stocking – the top half. Or buy them half a Wiiiiiiii!

And see, when I see shit like this, I am only heartened by the fact that I don’t put up a tree at all. In this case, no tree is better than a half of one.

And there’s a new trend for “designer trees”. These whole tress that you actually don’t have to hang upside fucking down, but they’re still weird and stupid and nothing you’re going to find in the wild.

Here’s the “spiral tree”. It’s kind of half a tree – it’s just “spiral”. I think it looks fucking goofy. And it’s another one of those trees that I can’t figure out how the hell you put ornaments on it. Why would you want one of these? Just to be different? You know, people have to start learning that
“different’ doesn’t always mean “better”. I mean, having two noses would be “different’ – but I wouldn’t recommend it. You’d just look fucking weird

And take a look at this. What the fuck is this? Would you pay money for this? You know what this looks like – it looks like “Christmas trees for the Anorexic”. I’ll bet that Olsen twin probably has a bunch of these all through her house. And it’s nice that it comes in a nice shade of puke yellow. I’ll bet
Nicole Ritchie has one in “bile”.

If you aren’t quite ready to take the total plunge into “trendy” – you can always just dip your toe in the pool of bad taste and get a “designer color”. I recommend “lilac”. But they also are available in red, orange, gold, white and even “Black”. In case you are expecting Satan Claus.

I think I’ll stick with my policy of “No tree at all”. I’ll wait a few years for this “trendy” shit to die out, or maybe I’ll just buy one of these. A lot of sites have them available now for the low, low price of $24.99. I think it’s perfect. It just needs a little love, that’s all. I wonder if I can hang it upside down from the ceiling.

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2 Responses to “Not Your Mother’s Christmas Tree”

  1. One True Tree Fir said

    So, Saturday, we put up the tree — a 14′ artificial one. And we left off some of the longest, lowest branches from the back, so it would scrunch up against the wall a little bit closer. I torqued my back moving things to make room for it. No tobaggans were involved — just ten big Foreverware(TM) bins of fake evergreen boughs, hauled down from the attic.

    When we had a baby in the house, we hung a (real) tree from the ceiling, right-side-up though.

    I’ve always wanted one of those aluminium trees, with a color wheel, but certain *other people* in this house have always said that it’s not “traditional” enough, or something. Yeah, like this 14′ monstrosity of steel and plastic carries the true meaning of Jesus’ birth! The cat likes it, though, but she’d probably like an aluminum tree as well.

  2. I was an ornament nazi this year. Our tree was looking pretty trailer park like so this year, I discriminated against all ornaments that were not worthy of 2008 standards.

    Am upside down tree sounds very pagan to me.

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