The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Your Tax Dollars – Hard at Work

Posted by thedarwinexception on December 7, 2006

Things are going ok with the new houseguests, I suppose. Gary (my brother) has to go today for an interview at Kentucky Fried Chicken. Now, to me, anyway, this is one of the best jobs in the whole world. And if he can bring home chicken – or, even better, coleslaw – well, I’ll never let him leave and get his own apartment. Because KFC Coleslaw is some of the best shit in the whole world. And now I am craving KFC even more than Chinese. That’s saying a lot, because I’m always craving Chinese food. Paul hates Chinese food so we don’t have it very often. And he hates Chinese food because he “doesn’t like rice”. I’ve tried explaining to him that hating Chinese food because you don’t like rice is like hating American food because you hate hot dogs, but he doesn’t listen.

But everything is going OK. Gary and the girl went over to Vermont yesterday to get more stuff – they brought back a mattress and more books (because the one thing I really need in here is more books), some pots and pans – and a cat.

And more of their medications. See, the other thing is Gary is a recovering heroin addict. He spent many years off in the haze of “Get me a fix””, alienating most of his family members, losing most of whatever he had, and hitting what I would consider “rock bottom” more times than he had a “rock bottom”. Addiction is a nasty thing, and a stupid thing, and apparently something I can’t understand because I don’t do drugs, or so Gary tells me. Gary is now on some “bute”/Methadone treatment thing, which is the government’s way of saying “We are a business – we criminalize our competitor’s products and switch you to an addiction we can make money from.” At least, that’s the way I
see it.

I don’t understand the whole process. I think it’s hypocritical for the government to “switch addictions” rather than “treat addictions”. But, I guess they can’t make money with a cure, just with a “maintenance program”. But, I don’t understand a lot of what the government does with our money. Especially the “studies” – does anyone understand the “studies” – except for the people getting money to conduct the “studies”? Does anyone understand why we spent millions of dollars studying the effects of putting a dog in a microwave? Because you could have paid me $50 and I could have told you “The effects won’t be good.” Study over.

And how about these stupid fucking “studies”? Here are your tax dollars, hard at work. Is it any wonder we can’t cure AIDS or Cancer? Is it any wonder the government has to make money from the treatment of heroin addiction by switching addicts to a more “acceptable” and profitable (for the government) addiction?

1. Acute Management of the Zipper-Entrapped Penis (1990) 

Presented by J. F. Nolan, T. J. Stillwell, and J. P. Sands.

A quick, simple and non-traumatic approach to the zipper manipulation –the
paper says– is presented in which prepuce is instantly released by lateral
compression of the zip fastener, using a pliers.

2. Fragmentation of Rods by Cascading Cracks: Why Spaghetti Does Not Break in Half (2006)

Presented by B. Audoly and S. Neukirch (Université Pierre et Marie Curie, Paris).

It explains why, when you bend dry spaghetti, it often breaks into more than two pieces

3. Impact of Wet Underwear on Thermoregulatory Responses and Thermal
Comfort in the Cold (1994)

Presented by M. K. Bakkevig (Sintef Unimed in Trondheim, Norway) and R. Nielson (Technical University of Denmark).

Investigates the significance of wet underwear and compares any influence of fiber-type material and textile construction of underwear on thermoregulatory responses and thermal comfort of humans during rest in the cold. The tests showed that the thickness of the underwear has more of an influence on the thermoregulatory responses and thermal comfort, than the types of fibers tested.

4. On Human Odour, Malaria Mosquitoes, and Limburger Cheese» (1996)

Presented by B. Knols

It shows that the female malaria mosquito Anopheles gambiae is attracted equally to the smell of limburger cheese and to the smell of human feet.

5. Rectal Foreign Bodies: Case Reports and a Comprehensive Review of the
World’s Literature (1986) 

Presented by D. B. Busch and J. R. Starling (Wisconsin)

Includes reports of, among other items: seven light bulbs; a knife sharpener; two flashlights; a wire spring; a snuff box; an oil can with potato stopper; eleven different forms of fruits, vegetables and other foodstuffs; a jeweler’s saw; a frozen pig’s tail; a tin cup; a beer glass; and one patient’s remarkable ensemble collection consisting of spectacles, a suitcase key, a tobacco pouch and a magazine.

6. The Pitch Drop Experiment, (1984)

Presented by J. Mainstone and the late T. Parnell (University of Queensland, Australia

An experiment that began in the year 1927 — in which a glob of congealed black tar has been slowly, slowly dripping through a funnel, at a rate of approximately one drop every nine years.

7. The Relationship Among Height, Penile Length, and Foot Size (1993)

Presented by J. Bain (Mt. Sinai Hospital, Toronto) and K. Siminoski (University of Alberta).

While comparing height, foot size and penile length, Bain said the relationship was minimal. “We found a weak correlation,” he said and added this ratio should not be used by anyone to assess the size of a man’s penis.

8. Elucidation of Chemical Compounds Responsible for Foot Malodour (1990)

Presented by F. Kanda and others five scientist (Shisedo Research Center, Yokohama).

It concluded that people who think they have foot odor do, and those who don’t, don’t

9. Navigation-Related Structural Change In the Hippocampi of Taxi Drivers

E. Maguire, and others (University College London

Presented evidence that the brains of London taxi drivers are more highly developed than those of their fellow citizens

10. Secret Life: Firsthand, Documented Accounts of UFO Abductions (1992)
Presented by J. Mack (Harvard Medical School) and D. Jacobs (Temple University).     

 Concluded that people who believe they were kidnapped by aliens from outer space, probably were, and that “the focus of the abduction is the production of children.”

11. Interim Report: Results of the National Demonstration Project To
Reduce Violent Crime and Improve Governmental Effectiveness In Washington, D.C., June 7 to July 30, 1993 (1993)

Presented by J. Hagelin (Maharishi University and The Institute of Science, Technology and Public Policy).

Concluded that 4,000 trained mediators caused an 18 percent decrease in violent crime in Washington, D.C.

12. Survey of Frog Odorous Secretions, Their Possible Functions and
Phylogenetic Significance (2004)

Presented by Benjamin Smith (University of Adelaide, Australia) and others.

It catalogs the peculiar odors produced by 131 different species of frogs when the frogs were feeling stressed.

13. Blink-Free Photos, Guaranteed (2006)

Presented by N. Svenson and P. Barnes (Australian Commonwealth Scientific and
Research Organization)

It calculated the number of photographs you must take to (almost) ensure that nobody in a group photo will have their eyes closed.

14, Transmission of Gonorrhea Through an Inflatable Doll (1993)

Presented by E. Kleist (Nuuk, Greenland) and H. Moi (Oslo, Norway).

Concluded that gonorrhea cannot be transmitted through the latex of an inflatable doll.

15. A Man Who Pricked His Finger and Smelled Putrid for 5 Years (1996)

Presented by C. Mills, M. Llewelyn, D. Kelly, and P/ Holt (Royal Gwent Hospital, Newport).

Concluded that a man who had an open wound for 5 years had a heightened odor of putrification from infection.

16. Chicken Plucking as Measure of Tornado Wind Speed (1975)

Presented by B. Vonnegut (State University of New York at Albany).

Concluded that feathers moved faster the higher the wind speeds were.

17. Ultrasonic Velocity in Cheddar Cheese as Affected by Temperature

Presented by A. Mulet, J. Benedito and J. Bon (Universidad Politécnica de Valencia, Spain) and C. Rosselló (Universitat de les Illes Balears).

Measured ultrasonic velocity in different states of cheese, from melted to frozen.

18. The Effect of Country Music on Suicide (1992) 

Presented by S. Stack (Wayne State University) and J. Gundlach (Auburn University).

I don’t know what this study concluded – but I love the study.

19. Chickens Prefer Beautiful Humans (2002)

S. Ghirlanda, L. Jansson, and M. Enquist (Stockholm University)

This is another study I couldn’t find the conclusions on – but I really want to know if they used live humans or pictures, and if the chickens preferred Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp – because I just can’t decide, and I’m willing to go with whoever the chickens chose.

20. Demonstration of the Exponential Decay Law Using Beer Froth» (2002)

Presented by A. Leike (University of Munich)

Demonstrated that beer froth obeys the mathematical Law of Exponential Decay.


5 Responses to “Your Tax Dollars – Hard at Work”

  1. Hank said

    “Acute Management of the Zipper-Entrapped Penis”

    If you had a penis and had ever got it caught in a zipper, you’d know that no amount of money is too much to spend on a study on how to gently release it.

    Some of the other “studies” look more like papers that were presented at conferences. Scientists have senses of humor too. I doubt any government money was spent on those.

  2. Excuse my ignorance – but how do you get your wee-wee stuck in your zipper, anyway? Doesn’t underwear cure that?


  3. Hank said

    Sometimes guys go “commando”. Or you can be doing your business on auto-pilot and not get the horse completely back in the stall.

    Actually, this hasn’t happened to me since I was a kid, but it’s a very embarrassing problem to have, since you need assistance, and typically only your mom is around.

  4. And when your mamma was around helping you get your wee-wee unstuck didn’t she *also* tell you – “Always wear clean underwear?”

    She wasn’t kidding.


  5. Greg Goss said

    I realized later that the whole “in case you have a car wreck and end up in the hospital” was bogus. She was just too shy to say “in case you meet this wonderful babe at the pub and end up back at her place, you don’t want her saying eeewww!”

    In a car wreck bad enough to send you to the hospital, you’ve probably added a new layer to the underwear and it is irrelevant how clean it was when you started.

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