The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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100 Funniest Jokes of all Time

Posted by thedarwinexception on December 6, 2006

I love jokes – well, I love funny jokes and jokes I haven’t heard before. I used to be pretty good with jokes – I could remember them, tell them and always had a unending supply of them at hand. Nowadays, I don’t remember them as well, and there are so many that I hear about that everyone else has already heard, that I don’t bother to keep up with them. But I like to have a supply of jokes at hand, in one place and easily accessible. With this in mind, I am reprinting the 100 funniest jokes of all time, according to GQ magazine. Some of these are old, some I hadn’t heard before, and some of them are funny. Decide on your own which is which.


  1


  Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The
  mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. “I’ll have some fuckin’
  French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him,
  and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I
  guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me,” he says. She is livid,
  smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he
  wants for breakfast. “I don’t know,” he says meekly, “but I definitely don’t
  want the fuckin’ French toast.”


  2


  My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So
  one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my
  grandfather. (Jackie Mason)


  3


  Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
  locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.”
  He goes: “Not in a row!” (Steven Wright)


  4


  Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above:
  “Saul, sell your business.” He ignores it. It goes on for days. “Saul, sell
  your business for $3 million.” After weeks of this, he relents, sells his
  store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas.” He asks why. “Saul, take the
  $3 million to Las Vegas.” He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, “Saul , go
  to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand.” He hesitates but
  knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. “Saul, take a
  card.” What? The dealer has — “Take a card!” He tells the dealer to
  hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. “Saul, take another
  card.” What? “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” He asks for another card. It’s
  another ace. He has twenty. “Saul, take another card,” the voice commands.
  I have twenty! Saul shouts. “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!” booms the voice.
  Hit me
,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice
  goes: “un-fucking-believable!”


  5

A
  guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two
  words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him
  in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him
  away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two
  words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him
  away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,”
  he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but
  complain since you got here.”


  6

I
  was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going
  to hate yourself in the morning?” She said. “No. I hate myself now.” (Rodney
  Dangerfield)


  7

A
  Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a
  huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, “please God, save my
  only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.” And a big wave comes and
  washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and
  says: “He had a hat!” (Myron Cohen)


  8


  Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and
  demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin
  taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a
  bill. “Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says.


  9

I
  went to my doctor and told him “my penis is burning.” He said, “That means
  somebody is talking about it.” (Garry Shandling)


  10

A
  car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, “Are you
  comfortable?” The guy says: “I make a good living.” (Henny Youngman)
 


  11


  Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par
  three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up
  next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent
  street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the
  rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a
  lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops
  down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and
  drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated.
  “Are you gonna play golf?” he asks “Or are you just gonna fuck around?”
 


  12

A
  guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal.
  I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator
  will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit
  unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy
  drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes
  mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on
  the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals
  unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100
  who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back
  of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to
  promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”


  13

A
  guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a
  special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long
  as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull
  his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar
  bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”


  14


  At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his
  silence, and said “Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words
  out of you.” He replied: “You lose.”


  15


  L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack
  Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute
  wait. (Bill Maher)


  16

I
  went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney
  Dangerfield)


  17

A
  man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother’s crazy, he thinks
  he’s a chicken.” The doctor says, “Why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says,
  “We would. But we need the eggs.”


  18

I
  was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I’d go to confession, I’d say
  “Bless me, father, for I have sinned — and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen.”
  (Bill Maher)


  19

A
  guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three
  rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room,
  people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says “no, let me see
  the next room.” In the second room, people are standing with shit up to
  their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third
  room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and
  eating danish pastries. The guy says, “I pick this room.” Satan says okay
  and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On
  the way out Satan yells, “O.K., coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your
  heads!”


  20


  Jack Benny is walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun
  and says “Your money or your life!” An extremely long silence follows. “Your
  money or your life!” the thug repeats. Finally Benny says “I’m thinking!”
 


  21

A
  man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races
  in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. “Douchebag!” the
  father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and
  turns to face his son. “Your father just said a bad word,” he says. “I was
  angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong.
  But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want
  to hear you saying it. Is that clear?” His son looks at him and says: “Too
  late, douchebag.”


  22


  On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as
  usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be
  flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises
  them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the
  microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup
  of coffee and a blowjob.” All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess
  immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his
  slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says “Don’t forget the coffee!”
 


  23

I
  was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. (Henny Youngman)
 


  24


  Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly
  appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the
  campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack,
  digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The
  second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that
  bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need
  to outrun you.”


  25


  TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
  violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all
  over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. (Jerry Seinfeld)
 


  26

A
  guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. “This dog can speak
  English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says
  to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh,
  come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the
  guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog
  answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing
  his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He
  turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball
  player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scount, having
  seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns
  to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”


  27

A
  guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at
  8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”


  28


  When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me,
  according to the letter. (Emo Philips)


  29

A
  lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, “Sir, you are
  drunk.” Churchill replies, “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be
  sober.”


  30

I
  was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will
  clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If
  I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on
  the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do
  something wrong. (Chris Rock)


  31

I
  worked some gigs in the Deep South…Alabama…You talk about Darwin’s waiting
  room. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father. (Dennis Miller)
 


  32


  In football you wear a helmet; in baseball you wear a cap. Football is
  concerned with downs; baseball is concerned with ups. In football you
  receive a penalty; in baseball you make an error. In football the specialist
  comes in to kick; in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
  (George Carlin)


  33

I
  want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me
  she was in labor for thirty six hours. I don’t even want to do anything that
  feels good for thirty-six hours. (Rita Rudner)


  34

A
  guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the
  synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the
  High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment
  comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird
  home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: “Schmuck! Think
  of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!”


  35


  At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn’t know gave me anything. Even
  the people I know don’t give me anything. (George Wallace)


  36

I
  always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and
  I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll
  regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)


  37


  If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me
  some coffee. (Abraham Lincoln)


  38

I
  celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my
  neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them
  and took their land. (Jon Stewart)


  39


  This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies
  in the pictures. (Richard Lewis)


  40


  There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says
  “Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight
  him.” As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old
  carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller)


  41


  Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a
  genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the
  island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says
  “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”


  42

I
  was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I
  looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. (Woody Allen)
 


  43

I
  know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said “Can I help
  you?” and he said “No, I’m just looking.” (George Miller)


  44


  Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a
  late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the
  point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other –
  they just need to refer to each joke by a number. “Number 37!” cracks the
  first comic, and the others break up. “”Number 53!” says the second guy, and
  they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. “44!” he quips. He gets
  nothing. Crickets. “What?” he asks, “Isn’t 44 funny?” “Sure, it’s usually
  hilarious,” they answer. “But the way you tell it…”


  45

A
  Jewish guy goes into a confession box. “Father O’Malley,” he says, “my name
  is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently
  involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old
  sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve
  never felt better.” “My good man,” says the priest, “I think you’ve come to
  the wrong place. Why are you telling me?” And the guy goes: “I’m telling
  everybody!”


  46


  Contrary to what most people would say, the most dangerous animal in the
  world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding
  on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see. (Jack
  Handey)


  47


  The only thing I know about Africa is that it’s far, far away. About a
  thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride’s so long, there are still slaves on
  their way here. (Chris Rock)


  48


  Last year, I deducted 10, 697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense.
  The tax man said, “Don’t ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your
  hand.” (Dick Gregory)


  49


  Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport.
  (Bobcat Goldthwait)


  50


  Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies
  first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid
  doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then
  one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. “So there is an afterlife! What’s it
  like?” Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast.
  Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch,
  have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go
  to sleep, and wake up the next day.” “Oh, my god,” says Sid “So that’s what
  heaven is like?” “Oh no,” says Irv. “I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in
  Yellowstone Park.”


  51

I
  knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could
  drive. (Steven Wright)


  52

I
  always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also
  keep handy. (W.C. Fields)


  53

I
  was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge,
  about to jump off. So I ran over and said “Stop! Don’t do it!” “Why
  shouldn’t I?” he said. “Well, there’s so much to live for!” “Like what?”
  “Well… are you religious?” He said yes. I said, “Me too! Are you Christian
  or Buddhist?” “Christian.” “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ?
  “Protestant.” “Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?” “Baptist” “Wow! Me
  too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?” “Baptist
  Church of God!” “Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you
  reformed Baptist Church of God?” “Reformed Baptist Church of God!” “Me too!
  Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed
  Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?” He said, “Reformed Baptist
  Church of God, reformation of 1915!” I said, “Die, heretic scum”, and pushed
  him off. (Emo Philips)


  54


  Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, “You know, the food here
  is just terrible.” The other shakes her head and adds, “And such small
  portions.” (Woody Allen)


  55

A
  father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business.
  “Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material.
  You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But
  as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now,
  here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your
  partner?” (Henny Youngman)


  56

I
  feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re
  going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why. (Redd Foxx)
 


  57

I
  failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I
  said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).
 


  58


  China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if
  you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others
  exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)


  59


  Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken,
  and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come
  up and say “Boy, we’re givin’ you fair warnin’. Anything you do to that
  chicken, we’re gonna do to you.” So I put down my knife and fork, and I
  picked up that chicken, and I kissed it. (Dick Gregory)


  60


  If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts. (Steven Wright)


  61

A
  Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing
  genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He
  says, “Peace in the Middle east, that’s my wish.” The genie looks concerned,
  then says “No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t
  be changed. Do you have another wish?” The guys says ‘Well…for my whole
  life I’ve never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish.” The
  genie pauses for another moment and then says “How would you define peace?”
 


  62


  Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to
  pay my check, theyd’ say “Thank you.” That graduated into “Have a nice day.”
  That’s now escalated into “You care care of yourself, now.” The other day I
  paid my check – the waiter said, “Don’t put off that mammogram.” (Rita
  Rudner)


  63

A
  lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer
  argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.” “Fifty five?” says
  Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.” “How’s
  you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: “We added up your time
  sheets.”


  64


  Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of
  dinner he turned to me and said “Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?” (Gilbert
  Gottfried)


  65


  An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. “You have him in a brown
  suit and I wanted him in a blue suit” The mortician says “We’ll take care of
  it, ma’am” and yells back ‘”Ed, switch the heads on two and four!”
 


  66


  We had a depression fair in the back yard. A major game there was Pin the
  Blame on the Donkey. (Richard Lewis)


  67

I
  bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
  don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when
  somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was that?!”
  (Jack Handey)


  68


  New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number of people around
  whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move. (David Letterman)


  69


  Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them
  wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their
  antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when
  they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)


  70

I
  had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while
  getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse. (Dennis
  Miller)


  71


  Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a
  tribe and tied to stakes. The chief says to them, “You have a choice –
  death, or ugga bugga.” The first guy says, “Well, I guess ugga bugga.” The
  chief shouts “UGGA BUGGA!” and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize
  the first missionary. The chief then asks the second minister, “Now you have
  a choice, death or ugga bugga.” He says “well, my religion does not allow me
  to choose ugga bugga, so I suppose it must be death.” The chief says, “Very
  well,” and shouts “DEATH. But first, UGGA BUGGA!


  72

I
  was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks
  ‘Are you reading that?” I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood
  up, turned the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner).


  73


  These impossible women! How do they get around us! The poet was right: can’t
  live with them, or without them! (Aristophanes)


  74

I
  went to the psychiatrist, and he says “You’re crazy ” I tell him I want a
  second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you’re ugly too!” (Rodney Dangerfield)
 


  75


  Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a
  rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten
  miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a
  baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a
  knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on
  the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did
  the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”


  76


  Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing
  themselves. (Johnny Carson)


  77


  Take my wife…please (Henny Youngman)


  78

A
  guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. “I charge $50 for three questions,” the
  lawyer says. “That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?” the guy asks. “Yes,” the
  lawyer replies, “Now what’s your final question?”


  79


  My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s
  just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)


  80

I
  can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next
  to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why
  they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)


  81


  Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That’s a good thing. He’s
  getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon
  Stewart)


  82


  My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that.
  Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman)


  83

I
  have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over
  the world (Steven Wright)


  84

A
  guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door
  and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as
  he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees
  the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?”
 


  85


  Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. (George
  Burns)


  86


  After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears
  to my eyes.. He said, “No hablo ingles.” (Ronnie Shakes)


  87


  Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that
  he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out
  and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The
  genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy,
  “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss
  in the boat.”


  88


  My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him
  reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. (Brian Kiley)
 


  89

I
  would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for
  member. (Groucho Marx)


  90

A
  guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I
  wired my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport
  and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do
  this to me?” “Well,” says the psychiatrist. “Maybe she didn’t get your
  telegram.”


  91


  They say animal behavior can warm you when an earthquake is coming. Like the
  night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and
  drove to Arizona (Bob Hope/Gene Perret)


  92

A
  Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with
  a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who
  the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says. “Was it Mary Patricia, the
  butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.” “Was
  it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?” “No, and I still won’t tell!”
  ‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?” “No,” says the boy. ‘Well,
  son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six
  months.” Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I
  got six months, but three good leads.”


  93

I
  was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked “Do
  you have any firearms with you?” I said: “What do you need?’ (Steven Wright)
 


  94

A
  comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a
  beautiuful woman comes up to him and says “I saw you perform tonight, and
  you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you
  the hottest night of sex you’re ever had.” The comedian looks at her and
  says, “Did you see the first show or the second show?”


  95


  The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every
  year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he
  would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know?
  The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him. (Paula Poundstone)
 


  96


  Bob: “Emily, aren’t you afraid of death?” Emily: “I just think of it as a
  part of life.” Bob: “Yeah. The last part.” (Bob Newhart show/Sy Rosen)
 


  97

I
  believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide
  is our way of saying to God, “You can’t fire me. I quit.” (Bill Maher)
 


  98


  My father heard the story of the Menendez brothers. He quit playing the
  lottery. He said ‘Screw it, I’ve got twelve kids. Any one of them could
  snap.” (Paul Rodriguez)


  99

I
  bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is
  broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough… (Brian Kiley)
 


  100

I
  went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any
  time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)
 

 

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3 Responses to “100 Funniest Jokes of all Time”

  1. groo said

    The formatting on these causes words to be cut off on the right, at least as viewed by me using Firefox.

    And #71 is wrong. It should be “DEATH. BY UGGA BUGGA!”

  2. Well, you know the standard response to that! “GET A BETTER BROWSER – here’s the link to the one *I* use, which is far superior to yours, and here are all the reasons you are an idiot if you don’t use it.”

    I’ll spare the details.

    And I agree with you about # 71.

    And I’ve changed the margins – does that help or not?

    Kim

  3. Bob E. said

    Number 1 and number 100 are both about French Toast…it’s got to be a secret message or conspiracy, or something.

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