The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Yu Hu! C’Mere!

Posted by thedarwinexception on December 1, 2006

I hate stupid names. I hate celebrities who name their daughters “Moxie Crimefighter” (Penn Jillette did that),  “Pilot Inspektor” (Jason Lee’s
son), or Kal_el (Nicholas Cage actually was stupid enough to do that to his son.) The trend with celebrity baby names is over the top, with each new celebrity birth trying to top the ridiculousness of the last big birth and stupid name. The New York Times, which recently wrote a piece exploring the issue, attributes the trend to a sort of an “insurance policy” – no matter how ordinary the kids turn out to be, they’ll always have something unique and special about them – their name. I think it’s kind of sad – “We named you Boxoffice Poison Seagal because, well, we just never expected anything out of you.” That’s a great message for a kid.

I was reminded of all this when Matt Lauer and his wife had a new son this week – and named him Thijs. Pronounced “Tice”. Which makes you wonder why they didn’t just name him “Tice”. Well, because Matt’s wife is Dutch, and apparently “Thijs” is a common Dutch name, and short for something that means “Matthew” in some Dutch language. But the problem with that is – well, you’re not in some Dutch fucking country, and we speak English, and the kid is now doomed to forever explain his fucked up name – and spell it every time someone else needs to write it down.

Even worse is the “original spelling” phenomenon – people will choose a beautiful name, then “jazz it up” so it’s “different” – so Crystal becomes Khrysstahl. Really, if you think your kid is going to thank you for forcing them into a life of always having to spell their name out to people, you’re deluded. And this is so prevalent, this “original spelling” that now people tend to ask “How do you spell that?” even when you have a simple name like “Kim” – I’ve had to say “ummmm…K-I-M”, only to hear people say “well, you never know, I’ve had it spelled C-Y-M or K-Y-M, or even K-Y-H-M”. So, thanks for that all you idiots that spell Amy “A-I-M-E-Y” You’ve now instilled idiocy into the world so deeply, even normal people have to put up with the inconvenience.

And it’s spilled over into my family – stupid naming practices. I’ll admit it, I have a niece named “Precious”, yes, “Precious”. I hate that fucking name so bad I even set up a trust fund for the baby when she was born. At her christening I handed my sister an envelope with a card inside and a bank passbook that had the baby’s stupid fucking name on it with mine. My sister asked “what’s this?”, and I told her “That’s a bank account for the baby. When she’s old enough to realize what a stupid fucking name she has and wants to
change it – she’ll have the money to do so.” My sister was pissed, but that’s what you get for giving your kid a stupid fucking name. Precious, for crying out fucking loud. Now, which of the following seems more likely to be true in the future?

“Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States – Precious!”

“Paging Doctor Precious! Paging Doctor Precious!”

“Now, for your viewing pleasure, here at Mons Venus, for one week only,
Precious!”

And what, pray tell, would my sister name her next daughter? “Not so fucking
Precious?” “Semi Precious?” She’s already set up a huge inferiority complex for the next one she spits out. “Mommy, how come she’s Precious, and I’m only Synthetic?”

Stupid fucking name. Stupid fucking sister.

But, at least she’s not alone. There’s lots of stupid names out there, I suppose, maybe some that are even worse. How about this one?

I’d like to hear this guy paged in the hospital “Dr. Yu Hu! Dr. Yu Hu!” That would be funny. And how did his mother call him to come in when he was a kid? Did she stand out on the porch yelling “YU HU! YU HU!”

But, better than this one, I suppose. “C’Mere”? Now, you know this is one of those people who saw the name “Khamir” and thought they would “jazz up” the spelling, and ended up with the fucked up name “C’Mere”. But, it makes it easier when you’re yelling to your kid – well, unless this kid belongs to “Yu Hu’s” family – then it’s “Yu Hu – C’Mere – Yu Hu, C’Mere!”

But, I hate stupid names – and the stupid people who name their kids with no thought or consideration to the future, and what the kid is going to have to go through in life until they get the funds to change their names to something more “normal”. But, if this trend continues, who knows? Tigerlily and Apple and Banjo may be the normal names, and Susan and Mary will be the “odd” ones.

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One Response to “Yu Hu! C’Mere!”

  1. So where do you suppose C’mere’s parents encountered the name Khamir? Say, maybe they were inspired instead by Cordwainer Smith.

    At least it’s not hard to spell Moxie Crimefighter.

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