As the year comes to a close, it’s time to take a look back at the biggest winners of the year – people, places and things that finally got their due in the year 2006.
1. Rehab Centers
Yes, rehab centers were big in 2006, with so many celebrities fucking up and deciding that “I don’t want to lose my career – I’ll go into rehab!” The public loves to cheer for the underdog, and who better to cheer for than a disgraced celebrity who obviously is taking responsibility and owning up to the fact that their career is in dire need of rehab. Rehab centers this year got to see Miss USA, who was partying so much that she “couldn’t carry out her official duties”. And you know, you really are a drunken ass when you can’t even wave anymore. Rehab centers also got Mel Gibson this year, who finally learned that when you get drunk, sometimes your perceptions get skewed and you say or do things you normally wouldn’t. Something most of us learned the first time we woke up next to someone who only looked good through the bottom of a shot glass. Rehab centers also got Michael Richards this year, who learned why most performers ask that patrons leave their cell phones at the door. And rehab centers were so hot in 2006, they even got Lindsay Lohan. She checked into rehab for alcohol abuse and she’s not even legally old enough to drink.
2. Britney Spears
Yes, she was a winner this year. Or maybe her kids were. She dropped K-Fed instead of dropping them again. She was smart to have the second kid, too. Less likely to trip and fall when you can balance out the weight with a kid on each hip. But at least she didn’t go into rehab. Do they even have a “pussy flashers anonymous?”
Kale had a great year after spinach was announced to be full of e-coli. The outbreak really didn’t bother me, I don’t eat spinach anyway. But I did feel bad for Popeye. Sucked to be him this year. I was really disappointed, though, when
Bush didn’t declare a war on E. Coli. I thought it would be really great to have him making speeches about how he was going to track down this elusive E. Coli
and kill him. I wonder if spinach went into rehab?
Dwarfs had a great year. Pluto was demoted and kicked out of the “Planet” club and demoted to “dwarf planet” status. Mostly because Pluto hadn’t “cleared it’s neighborhood”. Which I though was mean and derogatory to dwarfs. I mean, it takes dwarfs a little longer to get around, you know? They shouldn’t have penalized Pluto for not “clearing the neighborhood” in the same time as all the other planets, which are clearly bigger and faster. I mean, if a dwarf ran the NYC marathon, we’d be cheering if the dwarf even finished the race, not banning all future dwarfs because it took the dwarf longer. But, the dwarfs embraced their new dwarf member, and some dwarf clubs are thinking about using Pluto as their logo, so I guess it all worked out in the end. Besides, “Little People,
Big World”, that show on TLC, has made it cool to be a dwarf.
5. Oprah’s Friends
I want to be one of Oprah’s friends. Do you see what those fuckers get just by hanging around the bitch? Rachael Ray and Dr. Keith Ablow got their own TV shows by kissing her ass, and every week Oprah is showing film footage of her private parties where she invites all these people who have bowed down before her and then lavishes diamond earrings and shit on them. One nod of her head and you are like “made” – she’s like the ultimate fucking crime boss. I think Oprah
has too much fucking power. Not that I wouldn’t kiss her ass if she lived in my neighborhood. Why not? I could use my own TV show.
6. Good Taste
Good taste had a great year. Have you ever heard that phrase “I can’t even get arrested in this town”? OJ came up against that one when he tried to confess
in a “docu – novel”, but found that he couldn’t even get the book published. Then John Mark Carr tried to get his ass arrested for the murder of JonBenet Ramsey and couldn’t. But, you must admit, the Carr thing was a long shot, you know, since he wasn’t even in Boulder when the murder happened. But he may have
a comeback tour in 2007 – he is in negotiations now to write I book called “Well, If Anyone Had Believed that I did it – Here’s How I would have Done it.”
And, of course, we haven’t even scratched the surface of all the wonderful lunacy that was 2006. James Price and his “almost biographical” novel, the best mug shots of 2006, starting with Rip Torn (good God). The Borat movie and all the lawsuits it spawned, proving once again that people will do *anything* once they are in front of a camera, even allow people to bring dog shit to the dinner table. The Cincinnati Bengals and their problems, and the fact that they practically had to hold their practice sessions in the jailhouse exercise yard. New York State outlawing trans-fats, proving once again that anything that tastes good is probably bad for you. Yes, it was quite a year.
Here’s hoping that 2007 is just as entertaining, and here’s wishing all of you a Happy New Year.