The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Santa’s on a Lunch Break!

Posted by thedarwinexception on November 27, 2006

We went looking for a monitor yesterday. Oh – didn’t I tell you? My monitor is shitting the bed – rapidly. And I hate that. Not that I hate the fact that I get to buy another monitor, and since Paul is definitely an “upgrade” kind of guy, I’ll get a bigger, nicer monitor, it’s just that I hate change. I *Like* my monitor, and I’d be very happy to just keep this one – if it wasn’t shitting the bed.

Do you remember how old TV’s were when they had tubes? How when you turned them off they would collapse to horizontal or vertical lines, then turn off? Well, when I turn my computer off and then turn it on again, the monitor, when it comes back on, will display the picture of my desktop, but it’s in the background of the monitor turning on and off, on and off, on and off, and as it’s going on and off, it’s collapsing into lines. Once it “warms up” it stays on, but that’s taking longer and longer each time. I’ve resorted to not “hibernating” my computer at night, and simply having a screen saver come on, just so that I won’t lose the monitor altogether before I buy another one.

And the colors are funking out, too. I have too much green. Or not enough blue, I can’t figure out which one. But it’s one of them.

So, we went looking for a monitor yesterday. Not that there were a lot of places to look. We went to Wal-Mart, and I learned that the prices that are available on line don’t necessarily reflect the prices in the store. They had a monitor online for $169.00 – the same monitor in the store was $199.00. I asked the “sales associate” where the $169.00 monitor was and the sales associate went to the service desk for me to show him on their computer what monitor I was talking about. He said “Oh, that’s only online”. I pointed out that it doesn’t *say* “online only” – as some of the items clearly did, and he said “Well, really all the prices online are online only – we don’t match online prices – we don’t even match other Wal-Mart’s prices – our prices are different from Plattsburgh or Massena or Ogdensburg.” They only had one left of the $199.00 one, and Paul didn’t like “the way the box looked” – it looked like it was all beat up. I asked him if it really mattered, since if it didn’t work, I’d just bring the fucker back, but he didn’t like the box, and I had showed him some monitors on-line and he really preferred the wide screen ones, so we left.

Then we went to Radio Shack – and they had the wide screen ones, but the one they had was like $349.00, and the guy was really pushing us to get a Radio Shack Credit Card so we could take “10% off our purchase today” and I hate when sales associates do that, so we left.

Then we went to K-Mart, which was a joke. They didn’t have any computer monitors, and the 12 year old who was running the computer department tried to sell me a 36 inch HDTV as a viable alternative.

The best part of K-Mart, though, was Santa Claus. Santa Claus made it all worth going into K-Mart. Our K-Mart is strange in that we have a Little Caesar’s Pizza joint inside the front doors of our K-Mart. As we were walking out of the store, I heard a guy who had a couple of little kids with him say “There’s Santa!” We looked over, so we could see what the hell he was talking about, and there sat Santa, at a table, eating a piece of pizza in full Santa costume. The two little kids went running up to the table and were shouting “Santa! Santa!” Paul and I stopped to watch, independently of each other, we just stopped in our tracks to watch this little sideshow, and Santa turns to look at the approaching kids and he holds his hand up to stop then and says “Santa’s on his lunch break” as he wiped pizza sauce and cheese out of his beard. Paul looks at me and says “I hope that’s a real beard, because if it’s fake that fucker is going to stink.” The two little kids stop about a foot away from Santa, looking quite confused and scared as to what to do – and they just stand there, like they are going to wait for him to finish. For some reason, Santa found this quite unnerving, and he looks at the two little kids standing there staring at him, like they’ve never seen Santa eating a Little Caesar’s pizza before, and Santa says to them “Do you really need to stand there and frickin stare at me? Damn, go wait somewhere else for Christ’s Sake!”

Now this was getting good, and I looked around to see if the father, or whoever the guy was that was with the kids, has heard this, because frankly, if it was my kids, I would have taken Santa’s diet coke and threw the shit at him. It didn’t take long to pinpoint the Dad, though, because he was apparently the one walking quickly towards the kids. He takes both kids by the hands and says “Go over in line and find Mommy.” I looked around, not even realizing Mommy was there, too, but the kids both head off in the general direction of lines, the older one starting to cry.

Paul is kind of pissed at this point, because Santa made the kid cry. Paul may be a rebel outlaw biker kind of dude, but he doesn’t like people who make kids cry, even if he is Santa Claus. He says, loud enough so that even the two women at the service desk look up “Well that was kind of fucking rude!” And now the service desk drones are aware that *something* must be going on, since during all this other people have stopped to watch the Santa encounter as well, and there’s now about 6 people all standing there looking into the Little Caesar’s, not just Paul and I, and the two service desk drones move to the other side of the desk to look in the general direction that we all seem to be looking in, just in time to see the Dad of the two kids punch Santa in the head.

Which made all hell break loose. Paul yelled out “Damn! He just punched Santa! That’s one bad motherfucker!”, I kind of gasped, because I really didn’t think he’d do that, and then started laughing at Paul, two other people who were standing there said “Good! He deserved that!” and one Service desk lady got on the phone, apparently to call 911, and the other got on the intercom to call for a “Manager to the service desk”. I was wondering what the one lady was going to tell the police “Ummm…..yes, can you come to K-Mart? Santa is in a brawl at the Little Caesar’s…”

The other diners in Little Caesar’s all sat there holding slices of pizza midair, and Santa started cursing up a blue streak. He must have gotten lots of practice at the North Pole when he was swearing at this elves to get the move on in making those fancy new Tickle Me Elmo’s quicker. I looked around quickly to make sure there weren’t any more kids nearby to witness the Santa meltdown, and that’s when Paul grabbed me and said “Let’s get the fuck out of here before the cops come.” I said “Don’t you want to see Santa in handcuffs?” as he led me towards the door. But the doors were locked. They wouldn’t let us out! So now Paul is really pissed, and he goes over to the service desk and says “What the hell?” and the lady tells us that we will have to stay until the cops come and “evaluate the situation” and Paul says “What situation? I didn’t punch the stupid fucker.” But she’s quite insistent that we can’t leave.

So, we wait, and the cops finally come, they asked us a few questions, and we told them what we saw happen, and they let us leave, and we go straight home, and I never did get a monitor. I looked online again, and I guess we’ll have to go to Best Buy in Plattsburgh to get one. They have the best deals. Hopefully they don’t have a Little Caesar’s, or a Santa, in the store.

And one of the best parts of the day was on the way home. Paul turned, looked at me, and said, with all seriousness, as if this might have *just* come to him, and said “You know, I think there’s something wrong with these fucking people.” I smiled at him and said “Welcome to Malone.”


6 Responses to “Santa’s on a Lunch Break!”

  1. Hatpin said

    Priceless, Kim – just priceless. I have nothing to add except laughs.

  2. I just want to know why this shit keeps happening to me. Am I destined to lead a life of bizarre Santa beat downs, oven fires, dead people next door, flaming hats in the oven, Pregnant thief neighbors and sinks that never actually work?

    I pray for the day I can come to my blog and say “well, nothing much happened today….” Is that so much to ask? Why is all the craziness in the world happening to me or in front of me? I don’t need to witness *all* of it, do I? Spread some of that shit around, that’s what *I* say!


  3. See, he just looks like a fuckerpuncher. He knew that, that’s why he wanted to leave before the cops got there.

  4. Bikers and cops don’t mix – or so I’ve been told!

  5. Greg Goss said

    A local used-computer-junk dealer I drove by today had a sign out — Free 17″ monitor with any purchase.

    The signboard didn’t say “computer purchase”. Or “Purchase over a hundred bucks”. I need a new mousepad.

  6. I’ll spring for a new keyboard if you get me a monitor!


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